Fucked Up.

Do you know that feeling?
When your just waiting.
Waiting to get home, into your room,
Close the door and fall into your bed,
And just let everything out that you kept in all day.
The feeling of both relief and desperation.
Nothing is wrong.
But nothing is right either.
And your tired.
Tired of everything, tired of nothing.
And you just want someone to
be there and tell you it's okay.
But no ones going to be there.
And you know you have to be strong
for yourself, because no one can fix you.
But your tired of waiting.
Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else.
Tired of being strong.
And for once, you just want it to be easy.
To be simple. To be helped. To be saved.
But you know you won't be.
But your still hoping.
And your still wishing.
And your still staying strong and fighting,
with the tears in your eyes.
Your fighting.
Fighting a battle that you can't win.
That your destined to lose,
But you try anyway.

That feeling.
That's how I'm feeling.
I feel homesick for a place that isn't home.
I want to finally be good enough for someone, I want someone to finally notice me.
And want me.
But I know that won't ever happen.
Ever.

I'm sitting in a crowded class room, with 23 pupils and one teacher.
Yet I still feel as if I'm alone, as if I'm sitting here in the dark with nothing but complete silence.
I can't hear the chattering of children,
Or the moans from the teacher all I hear are my thoughts.
They're speaking to me.
Telling me things I don't want to hear.
I want it all to go away,
I want all the pain to end, but it never does.
Never.
I'm stuck here breathing but not living.
My body's some how managed to survive all the heartbreak and pain,
some how it's still living.
But my soul,
Its empty,
It feels nothing.
Its dead.

"Class dismissed."
Is the only words I hear the teacher say.
She sounds exhausted.
Like she can't wait to get home and have a glass of champagne with her husband while watching the latest soap on television.

I take a sigh in and then let it escape again.
I tuck my books into my bag, forcefully.
I clip it shut and head for the door.

I feel a hand,
A warm hand, touch my shoulder.
I spin my head like an owl hunting for it's pray in the cold depth of midnight.
A happy face awaits the other side.
But in they're eyes there is sorrow,
an untold story to be told.

I recognise her crystal blue eyes, and her thick brown hair.
The dead ends of her hair cut to her boobs as she shows her pearly white teeth at me.


"Chantelle?"
She says in a soft gentle voice.
I haven't heard a voice like that in a while.
The voices I hear are rough and loud.
And scary, don't forget scary.

I turned around and completely ignored her.
I ran as fast as I could out of that school,
that nightmare.

I got a couple Strange glances, but who cares to be honest,
I don't have anyone to impress anyways.
I don't have friends.

As I ran I could feel something break inside of me.
Sonething I hadn't felt in a while.
And as I reached my door the first couple of tears scrambled down my cheeks.

Notes

Like?