Maps Of Our Hearts

It was a strange feeling, waking up.

I knew I had died, felt my bones splinter and my skull crack as I plummeted to my certain demise. Yet somehow, I was very much alive. My pulse wasn’t there, sure, and I didn’t breathe.

But I was there all the same.

It was a shock to look in the mirror for the very first time. You’d have thought I would have been a bloody mess, half my face lost to the ocean’s surf and one leg at an awkward angle. But none of that happened. In fact, all that I saw was who I was before Drake had shoved me off that cliff. Except my hair had returned to the nasty blonde it once was and my eyes were now the same colour as a cloudy, grey sky. But it was still me.

Of course, I had been wandering in the woods for a while before I even got to a mirror. And even then that mirror was in the gross toilets of a loud, sweaty nightclub. It was out of sheer desperation that I had run in there- I couldn’t stay in the cold any longer.

That was four years ago.

And if what that guy who appeared to me when I died said was true, then my time on this earth was nearly up. Where the hell was the man I was supposed to fall for?

I pulled myself from my bed. It was shoved in the dankest corner of my flat but still managed to be the nicest place I could think of being right now. My alarm clock was going wild, trying to stir me from my deep sleep but, since I couldn’t think straight with its blaring noise, I slammed my hand down on top of it and rubbed my eyes.

I was due at the hospital in two hours since Pattie had covered my night shift but I couldn’t bring myself to open the wardrobe doors and get my uniform out. I loved the scrubs all of the nurses wore, much to the confusion of Maisy and Pat. They were a deep blue and were made from cotton, making them probably the most comfy clothes I wore. I usually also donned a floral, long sleeved t-shirt beneath it but I couldn’t be bothered to pull one on today.

I flipped my mobile open and dashed a quick text off to my mum.

It was two years ago that I’d moved out, unable to keep the secret any longer that I was dead. I mean, I was walking around and acting as if everything was okay and the reality was that it wasn’t. Mum didn’t have to know that, this time next year, I wouldn’t be around to talk to. And I couldn’t take seeing her face every day and knowing what I did. So, like the coward I am, I took my medical training to finish in London. Nearly 200 miles away from the Scottish provinces where I was raised.

23, dead and training to be a doctor.

That probably sums up my life in a sentence. If I can call it that, of course.

I threw the flat door open and marched down the stairs to the reception, ensuring I locked the door behind me as I really didn’t need a repeat of yesterday. I bounded downstairs, waving at the receptionist, Alex.

“You alright Alex?” I called to her, racing over and grinning at her.

“I’m fine, Eddie. Jesus, I really don’t know how you have so much energy in the morning! I just woke up and feel like crap!” Alex rolled her eyes playfully, typing into her system that flat owner number six was leaving for work.

“Why do you do that? It’s a bit like Big Brother- does Jim have to know where we are at all times?” I questioned her, frowning.

“It’s in case there’s a fire, Ed. You know this. And besides, you’re twenty three. How the hell did you not work this out already?” Alex squinted at me.

“Because I never bother to pay attention to most things.”

“And you wonder why your teacher hasn’t given you the go-ahead for sitting in on an operation yet.”

“Don’t go there. Anyway, whatcha doing tonight? I’ve got Maisy coming over after work – we could have a girl’s night in if you’re not busy.”

“Sorry Eddie. I have plans with Zach. He’s taking me out to dinner tonight- can we do it another time?” Alex apologised, grimacing.

“Yeah sure! No worries! I have to get going now or the boss will kill…..” I spluttered a little, stumbling over my choice of words. “I mean shout at me.” I hastily corrected my blunder.

“Whatever Eddie. I’ll see you later okay?”

“See ya!” I called, dashing out of the door and sprinting towards the bus stop.

The bus was just pulling in when I reached the shelter and I mentally thanked God for not making me or the bus late. I couldn’t deal with it this morning.
I flashed Cindy, the bus driver, my pass and clambered to the back row, pulling out my ear buds and hitting play. I laughed a little when I saw that Alex had loaded Nickelback onto my phone when she borrowed it last week. That girl has an obsession with them and keeps trying to turn me to her ‘fandom’ as she likes to say. I’m more of a country fan myself.

Six songs and three Belvita bars later, the bus decided to show up at St Luke’s Hospital and opened its doors for myself and an elderly lady. I recognised her as a cancer patient who’d started coming in last week for treatment. Her name was Muriel, if I remembered correctly, and she was sweet enough when she wasn’t having that aggressive chemotherapy.

I’m just glad I’m training to be a paediatrician because I couldn’t bear seeing her go through it knowing that the reason she was having it was because she was slowly dying. Then again, it was like that with children too.

As I passed through the double glass doors onto the ward, I waved to Pattie who looked dead on her feet. She was slumped over the desk with black rings beneath her blue eyes and her red hair practically standing up by itself. I giggled when I noticed the eye mask atop of her head and teasingly asked her if I should tell our boss.

“Don’t.” She rolled her eyes in reply. “I had a run in with her at two am this morning for not folding the sheets correctly in the linen cupboard- I really can’t be doing with a lecture on why wearing an eye mask in front of the children is inappropriate.”

“Don’t sweat it Pats. Head home to my place, take a shower and for just get some sleep. You look horrible.” I gave her a small, sympathetic smile and rubbed her arm. “Any visitors for anybody today? I overheard Ginny discussing on the phone with some celebrity group. I know Luke Friend is supposed to be here next month but do we know who she was talking about?”

“I have been on this shift for nearly twenty four hours. I have not had time to listen in to the boss’s phone conversations.” Pattie laughed slightly.

“Ah! Okay, never mind. I was just wondering if she’d said anything. You head home and I’ll go start with AJ. He came in two days ago, correct?”

“Yep. He did. I’ll see you later. Maisy’s coming at six tonight so I’ll see you then.” Pattie grinned and left, as I picked up AJ’s file and wandered into the ward to say hi to the little guy.

I found his bed easily, it being one of the only occupied on the ward. I grinned at him as he took in my appearance, knowing that I shocked the little ones rather than scared them. Most of them liked my blue hair and yellow eyes. Except one, though she was older and rarely visited anymore. Lottie I believe her name was.

“Hey AJ! My name’s Eddie! How old are you?” I asked him, sitting down in the chair beside him.

“Six.” He smiled at me, reaching towards my hair. “Your hair’s blue.” I let out a quiet chuckle and spread a grin across my face - it will never cease to amaze me how blunt children are.

“Yes, it is. Do you like it?” I asked him, realising now how he could see me. All females could see me, it was just those men over eighteen who couldn’t. That made it especially hard for me to operate seeing as I couldn’t reveal to the people I knew that grown men couldn’t see me- so I was subjected to only going to places where girls worked or partied. That was also the reason I was single. Because most guys who were age appropriate couldn’t see me.

“It makes you look like a fairy.” AJ whispered in reply, tugging at it a little. “Why is it there?”
I smiled at the innocent little boy, wondering what I should tell him. In the end I told him the truth.

“The same reason my eyes are yellow. Because then people notice me.”

“Can’t they see you then? Because I can see you.” AJ giggled and I drew in a sharp intake of breath. He had hit the nail on the head and didn’t even know it.

I smiled mildly at him, talking a little more and learning when his parents planned on visiting. I was not going to let a grown man not see me and think he’s crazy when both his wife and child could see me. Not happening, ever.
I sighed as I waved goodbye to AJ, wandering back to my desk to finish some paperwork. I had to write up my conversation with him and enter his details that his parents had provided into the system. It was a boring task but a necessary one and I managed to calm myself down by snooping around the calendar for information about the supposed celebrity group that was visiting this week.

I scanned the week’s events, making a mental note to call in sick on Wednesday when The International Association for Male Businessmen came for a conference on what to do if someone was seriously ill at work.

The only clues I could identify that might possibly tell me who was coming were four initials and VISIT written below them, scheduled tomorrow.

I grimaced and bit my lip. If I couldn't work out who these people were, I'd be in real trouble. Especially if they were guys.

I shoved my hands into my hair and closed my eyes. I'd say the panic was killing me, but that'd be too ironic.

Notes

The lyrics I chose for the description of this chapter are from Begin Again, by Taylor Swift.

I think they fit quite well :)

What do you guys think of this chapter? Future ones won't be so long, I just thought it'd be good to get some background going!

xoxoxoxo