Its up to you!

How do you know when something bad in your life is going to happen? Do you get a tingling feeling? Do the hairs on the back of your neck stand up? When you are standing in your bedroom, looking in your mirror, do you feel fear? Why is it that when we as humans sense things that scare us we continue our day and continue on the path that we have been warned not to go on. Our bodies send us warnings that let us know something is wrong, or that something unexpected is going to happen, but do we as humans ignore these signs? Could you have avoided every bad, unexplainable thing that has happened to you?
You’d like to think that was possible because you don’t want to face the fact that everything that has happened in the past few weeks could be your fault. You know that if things had gone differently you wouldn’t be standing in your living room alone. You know that if you would have just listened to yourself and noticed the signs then he would still be here right now. He would be wrapping his arms around your waist, whispering in your ear and even kissing the spot on your neck that he knows drives you crazy. He would be here pulling on your hand begging you to sit on the couch and watch Netflix with him, he’d even let you pick gossip girls which he knows you love, and he wouldn’t complain one bit. And when you get so caught up in the show but your tummy grumbles he would slowly get up and fetch you a snack, fruits and veggies with a bit of greek yogurt just like you always ask. Yep if you had just seen the signs everything would be normal.
But you looked past them; you believed that everything was going to be ok and that every gut wrenching feeling that you had was just “gas”. Now that you are standing alone you know how stupid that sounds. And that’s exactly what you are right now, alone……….
You sit down feeling over whelmed and you pick up your phone, you pause and just look at it for a second. He bought you this phone; last month actually, it was a birthday present. You had wanted a new one forever and he finally gave in, even though you won’t admit to actually asking him for it. When he asked you what you wanted for your birthday you just said you wanted to have a nice night in, just you and him. You didn’t want to open the gift when he gave it to you because it was a month early, you knew what it was as soon as he handed the brightly wrapped box in your hands. You knew you wanted to just tear right into it but you also wanted to wait, no matter if you had just flushed yours down the toilet a week ago. He knew you so well, he got the exact color you wanted as well as the case that would just make that phone pop. He loved you. And now, exactly a month after that encounter, the night where all you wanted was a night with him you are alone. So you just stare.
You want so badly to unlock your phone and go to his number in your contacts and just call him. Tell him that you are so excited for him to get there and that you don’t want him to stop anywhere and buy any of that mushy stuff he likes to get you, like flowers or chocolates. Because you will only be happy when he gets here and if he stops it will only take him longer. You just wanted to call and here his laugh telling you he would be there soon and you would automatically know he was already in the store buying these things for you, you wouldn’t be able to help the smile that would form on your face. He made you the happiest woman in the world. You could never question your love for him. You never thought about cheating or being with another man because when you first laid your eyes on him you knew that the two of you would be married. You have never had a doubt about it and you never will.
You finally gain the courage to unlock your phone and go to your photos; you can’t help but shed a tear when you see his smiling face next to yours. His grin is so wide in every single photo, no matter the occasion. After you finish admiring how handsome he is you go to your contacts. Of course you know he’s going to be on the recently called list but for some reason you feel the need to scroll through ever single name until you get to his. As if seeing all of the people you have on your phone and knowing he is the only one you will ever truly want to talk to will change something. You click on his name and just stare at the profile picture you have set for him. And then as if it just happened on its own the phone starts to dial out. You’re calling him, but of course the call goes to voicemail, you knew it would. You knew he wouldn’t pick up but you still just wanted to hear his voice on the answering machine, and god you know his voice sounds exactly the same as it always does.
You can’t stop yourself, you’re crying again and it feels like nothing will ever stop the tears, nothing will ever stop the pain. If only you had listened to the gut pounding feeling that was telling you to keep him bed with you all day. That as long as you just stayed inside everything would be ok. If only you hadn’t told him that you forgot to pick up your vitamins. If only you would have slept a little longer. If only it wasn’t raining. If only a lot of things really. All you want is for him to be there with you, putting his ear against your tummy and listening to the growing heartbeat. All you want is for him to be there helping you pick out baby names. But he won’t be.
The reason is because just before you were going to make that phone call to him, the one where he would tell you he would be home soon, you received a call. It was the local police department calling and letting you know there had been an accident. That on his way home Niall had been hit by a drunk driver. He wouldn’t be coming home to you because you would have to drive down to the hospital and identify the body. The man you thought you were going to be spending the rest of your life with was no longer in your life. Your child won’t get to hear the laugh that you longed to hear.
You were now alone……….

Notes