Oh let's go back to the start.

No one ever says how hard it'll be to get over something. No one explains the self hatred that will flow through your blood and come out as tears.

No one believes it when you don't survive.

No one understands that I'm tired. Im much too tired and no one told me it was going to be so hard.

I believed Harry was everything. I still do. I think he is my person. I think he'll be the only boy I ever love. And that makes me so sad because it's not fair. It's cruel how I only got this one chance. It's a shame that it has never been easy for me.

"It'll get better, Pj."

I look at Gemma and watch in amazement as her face crumbles the same way everyone else's does after they meet my eyes. Her light eyes aren't shinning the way they usually do and I know she can see how tired I am.

"Will it?"

I hope she is honest with me because I don't want anymore false hope. I won't survive it. I am too battered and bruised as it is already.

She shrugs licking her lips, "He loves you." Anytime she mentions her brother her voice gets softer. Almost like she's afraid of setting me off... She should be. "He's going to kill himself without you. He loves you."

I look at Gemma and know she's just an older sister afraid for her brother. I know she loves Harry so much and I'm so happy she does but it doesn't stop the anger from rushing through me.

"Get out," her eyes widen and she scoots back. "Get out," I repeat. This time harder. "You need to leave. I need you to go."

"Presley--"

"I don't know what you want from me!" I don't mean to shout and my head begins to pound slightly with the loud volume of my voice. "I am losing my mind Gemma. Get out."

"Please, Presley, just talk to him," her voice comes out desperate and soft. She is afraid for her brother and I'm afraid of hating her. "I know he doesn't deserve it but--"

"But what?!" I am taking my anger out on the poor girl but I can't stop. I don't want to. "You think I wanted this to happen? That I want him to hurt?"

"No but--"

"He never loved me!" Saying that is what I imagine cigarette burns feel like. What getting shot in the chest is like. It hurts. It stings and it won't go away. "And if he ever did love me it was never the way I love him. I love him and he didn't care. He never did."

"Yes he did," she says fiercely. She scoots close again and brushes the hair from my wet face. "He's always loved you. He still does. He just-- PJ. you both lost your child in the car accident last year. That's all he's ever wanted. A family of his own with you and it fucked him up when he lost it."

That accident replays in my head every night. I can still feel the glass in my arms and the searing pain in my stomach. I can still see Harry's eyes, the devastation in them when they told us the baby didn't survive. I can still hear his sobs.

I feel everything I felt that day every fucking day. Every fucking hour.

It may have fucked Harry up but it killed me.

It kills me every day.

I push her hands away and run my hand through my hair. "Just go. Please, go and tell your mom to stop calling me if she's only going to remind me that Harry's sad. Please, leave me alone."

She sighs solemnly and defeated. "I love you Pj." She walks out and I don't look up until I hear the door click shut.

I cry in relief when I'm alone. My body shakes and my hands tremble. I am not me anymore. Harry ruined me. He tore me up and left me alone so fucked up that I'll never be good enough for someone else.

He left me unrecognizable.

I wish someone had told me how hard it was going to be.

That your person would have the power to kill you.

I wish this accident had killed me because I feel dead. I hurt every day. I feel alone and angry. I feel cheated and destroyed. I have nothing left to offer. I am nothing.

I lay down on Harry's side and try not to crumble again when I remember this isn't his side anymore. I close my eyes and just lay there. In the darkness. I'm praying for an escape.

I want to be put out of my misery. I want to be put down as easily as dogs are.

Before sleep takes me away completely I faintly hear the door open and I hope it's Gemma so I can apologize.

It's not.

I look up and when I see Harry my shoulders hunch down and I give up. I didn't know he was here. It was safer when I was clueless.

"Presley," Harry says slowly. He moves away from the door and closer to the bed. "How are yo--"

I shake my head and he stops talking instantly. I stretch my hand out and wait until it clicks for him and he grabs it letting me pull him onto the bed with me. He lays down and I get on top of him laying over his front. His arms go around me instantly and his body lets go of all the tension.

"Baby--"

"Sleep." I mumble cutting him off. I don't want to talk now. It won't be fair. I don't want to talk ever. It'll never be fair. "Just give me this." I plead.

He kisses my head, "I'd give you anything." His arms tighten around me and his hands go underneath my shirt. "Sleep, baby, I love you."

So I do.

Notes

And that's it.