I love you right but I show it wrong.

All my life I've never been really good at anything, except being alone.

I didn't mind it. It was all I was used too.

I could go days without a conversation, and I didn't depend on anyone because I didn't need anyone.

Now-- now that doesn't even sound like me. It sounds like a whole different person. Someone who doesn't panick, who doesn't know the feeling of a palpitating heart, and clammy hands.

I envy that person. I wish I was still that person who didn't know what it was like to constantly be on the verge of panicking while ordering coffee.

"I look at you, and," Louis looks down, his words struggling to come out. "I swear I don't even recognize you sometimes."

I nod, "It happens to me too."

I get really sad when it does. I get scared too.

"I miss you." He says slowly. He grabs my hand gently and shrugs.

"I'm here."

"But you're not. Not all the way. It's like you're scared."

It's my turn to shrug. "I was always scared, Lou. Even before I was a mess."

"No--"

"Yes, I was just better at hiding it then. I don't have the energy anymore."

Louis refuses to leave me alone. Says it makes him fidget knowing I panic. That he can't bare to think I'll be alone for one of my episodes.

Louis needs a drink. I need a drink.

Louis licks his lips, "Muppet, you don't have to be scared of anything." His smile is small and tired. "Listen, Presley, I know you're feeling a lot of things right now, what with your dad, and Harry, and the whole Jesse thing, but, refusing to leave your room isn't helping anyone."

"It's helping me," I snap unintentionally. "Let me do what I have to do, Louis. I need a bit of breathing room."

"No you need--"

"How the fuck would you know what I need?!"

Louis is taken back by my outburst. His face swells with hurt, and his brows furrow. "I'm only-- Presley--"

"Everyone always does this," I'm going on a tangent right now. I won't stop. Even for Louis, or Harry. "They think they know why I suddenly panic and why it's best for me to leave my room. They don't get that I can't. Fuck, Louis, I can't leave my fucking room right now. I want to, I want to do what you tell me because I know you're trying to help me but I can't, and. Fuck, I can't do it, Louis."

"Okay," he shushes my quietly and soft. "Sweetheart, can I-- hell, Presley, can I hold you?" I nod silently and let Louis wrap himself around me. It's nice. Warm. Comforting. I like it. I need it right now. "You don't have to leave your room, darlin'. You don't." He promises rocking us slowly.

Louis' may be having an attack and he's lucky I'm an expert.

"Thank you," I squeak out pathetic and small.

"What does it feel like?" Louis mutters against my head. "Your episodes. What're they like?"

They hurt. They suck. "I feel fuzzy. Like,I don't know. My breath gets stuck in my throat and everything I've ever been afraid of will flash before my eyes, and Usually it's not so bad. Like this one was small. It was fine... Other times, I can't snap out of it, those scare Ben."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know," I sigh against his tattooed arm. "Every time I came back from it, I see Ben with red eyes.
He tries not to show it, but, I know he's been crying."

"I'm here, Presley. I won't leave you." Ben's upset because i can't focus. I'm trying to, and I can't do it.
I don't want to wake up, but. Ben's upset and he needs me too.

"I know you're sad, and you feel alone, but, you're not." Ben cries and I can feel his tears on my shoulder.
I'm almost back, Ben. I'm sorry I've done you so wrong you cry.

"You don't have too come back if you're not ready." I can feel his fingers wiping under my eyes. I'm sorry you have too see this Ben. "Take you're time, okay? I'll still be here, and-- fuck, it's been hours, Presley. I miss you."

Yeah, I miss me too.

"I'm sorry," Louis whispers behind me. He says it in a way that stabs my chest and brings this immense guilt over me. "I'm such shit for this, Presley. I'm sorry."

I pull back surprised, "What? Louis', no, it's not your fault. Fuck, I didn't mean to make it seem like that. It's not your fault it's the way my mind is. All the chemicals in it. I'm glitchy."

Louis doesn't believe me. I know this because the sad tint hasn't left his eyes. "We both know it was me and Harry, Presley. Us thinking we were helping you by just leaving. It was us, and you have to let us feel the guilt."

"But it wasn't just you two." I wish they understood that. "My brother died, and Russell came back. I haven't had a very good year, Lou."

"I know and that makes me fucking miserable."

Me too.
****
"She's not ready to come out," I can hear Louis through my door. He has this distinct accent that makes me laugh when he says certain words.

"I have to see her," fuck.

"Harry, I know. But not yet." Louis' a good person who shouldn't feel any sort of responsibility for me. I need to fix that. "You have to be patient, H. At least until I can be sure she's okay."

There's quiet mumbling and I can't hear much of anything until Ben pokes his head through. His eyes are the color that destroy me. The pink and puffy color that I'm too familiar with.

"My little baby is awake I see," he smiles despite his true state. Ben's much too giving. "How are you feeling?" He asks settling on my bed hand cupping my cheek. "Did you have a nice sleep?"

"I'm sorry," I mutter. "I tried to come back faster, I swear I did, Ben."

"Hey, no, Presley, it's okay. I know you're trying, I know, I promise. I'm okay."

"You've been crying."

He shrugs and his smile returns. Small but it's there. "I learned something new today."

"What?"

He presses a kiss on my hair, "That not only are you the love of mine and Louis' life, but your Harry's too."
I really hope so. I don't know what I'm supposed to do if I'm not.

"Ben, I can't break up with him," I swallow thick. "I really need to see him."

His face softens and I know Ben understands."I know you can't. He really needs to see you too." With a final kiss, he helps me off my bed and let's me go through first.

I squeeze Louis' hand as I pass him. He gives me a worried look so I kiss his cheek hoping to calm him down. Hoping he won't ever feel what I do at times.

I stand facing Harry's back as he looks at the pictures Ben has above his fire place.

Harry is a volcano and I'm a hurricane.

I don't think we go together and somehow we do. Whether I think we do or don't. It's inconvenient. Feeling this way about Harry is inconvenient and it's never going to be organized. I have to get used to that. I have to somehow believe he's going to stay because if he doesn't...I don't know what I'll do. I don't know what Ben will do.

"Hi Harry."

He spins with wide and distressed eyes. "Baby," he says before rushing towards me and enveloping me in a hug. Louis and Ben slowly disappear into the hallway and back to Ben's room. "My baby, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

My hands are on the back of his neck and in his hair. "Please don't cry. I can't take it when you cry." I really can't. It hurts more than any mean word I've ever been called.

"I should have been here. I shouldn't have said--"

"I shouldn't have lied." I cut him off. This all started with me. It's hard to admit it and easy to see. "I didn't want to hurt you, Harry and I thought that by not telling you...it was stupid, I'm sorry."

His arms tighten around me, "I didn't give you another choice." Harry kisses along my head. Like he's trying to keep me calm. "I know you want to--...you want us,... Fuck, I can't say it," he whimpers and his arms don't loosen and mine only tighten.

"Me either."

"But if it's what you want."

"I just," my shoulders drop and there's a sudden pressure on them. "I want everything to stop. I want to stop being so sensitive. I want my dad to be okay, and holly shit, I really want it all to slow down." I hide my face and hope Harry doesn't mind the water coming from my eyes. "I'm in this cycle and I can't get out."

I don't mean to sob, and when I said I wanted to stop being so sensitive I was hoping I'd start now.

"Hey, baby, it's okay, love. It's okay, don't cry. I'm here, it's okay." I feel Harry rummage through his pockets for a few seconds before he stops and gently pushes me back. I take in his face and wonder what he's thinking. If he's as afraid of life as I am, and if he thinks he's bad at it too. If he thinks love isn't all that it seems because I did him wrong.

He brushes under my lashes with his thumbs and kisses me quick. "I need you to be selfish, baby. I need you to do what's best for you. Fuck what I need, and do what you need, if not for you then for me."

And that's when it hits me. Like a gush of cold air. Like stepping in water with sock covered feet. it hits me so suddenly it almost knocks me down.

"You know," I don't really have to ask this. I already know.

"I need it too. I think I need it more than you do."

Notes

In times like these we must not cower but roar. Even if we are tiny and shaking. All for one and one for all.
#prayforparis