But darling, I'm a monster and you're just a scared little girl.

"I'm sorry Presley," Ben came over-- much to my surprise this morning. Harry and I were trying to cook, and I use the terms lightly because together we're absolute fucks at cooking. Ben rushed in and hugged me like he hasn't seen me in months. "I didn't want you to leave! I was mad and-- I'm sorry!"

Harry had awkwardly mumbled in excuse and left three minuets ago and now I'm staring at Ben, frantically confused and bit wary.

"Presley I didn't mean anything I said. I don't want you here without me," I pat his back and relax into his hug, "you're my best friend and I forgot."

"Ben," I start, "I'm glad you're here," I really am. With everything that has happened I'm beyond confused. I feel as if my feet are confused and I'm stumbling. "I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have agreed to this without asking you first."

"You shouldn't have to ask me for permission," Ben sighs.

"No but I should have asked what your opinion was. It was inconsiderate and you didn't deserve that."

"I didn't," Ben agrees walking us over to the living room so we could sit. "Presley can I be real with you? And I mean brutally honest."

"I-- um. Okay, if you want?" I'm nervous about this. I really am. Ben has a twinkle in his eyes and his hands are fumbling in his lap.

"Why are you here? Why did you put yourself through this after everything that happened?"

"Those are questions."

"Answer them you bitch," Ben grumbles with a familiar eye roll.

It's not that simple. I don't know why I'm here or why I decided to put myself through this. In a way something in my head clicked and I just wanted to be near Harry. It's pathetic and contradicting everything I said I wouldn't do. So instead of saying this I shrug and mumbled, "I don't know," low and sadly.

"Do you see why I'm frustrated?" Ben rumbles, voice higher, "I've tried to help you and for a minuet I really thought I had. But then you go and agree to come here."

All I can do is nod because he's right. I was doing well and then they come and try to be a part of my life again and because I'm fairly stupid I allowed it and in the process I told Ben to fuck off.

"Presley, Harry's engaged! I don't know how many times or how many ways I can say that. Do I have to learn a new language? Get Jasmine to show you her ring? Please tell me what I have to do and I'll do it."

"Ben," my voice comes out half a whimper and I think I'm losing my vision.

"Presley," Ben sighs tiredly, "help me understand. Help me see your fucked ways of thinking."

I wipe under my eyes and huff out two breaths. I shuffle in my seat and blink the moisture in my eyes away. "How?"

"Tell me what happened between you and Harry. Why you broke up and why he up and left for an entire year always managing to be gone before you found him. He's a fucking celebrity for fucks sake!"

I look up startled, my heart thumping and my mind going blank. "It was a bad break up--"

"Don't you fucking dare!" Ben roars, causing me to flinch. He ran an angry hand over his hair, nostrils flaring, eyes dark and angry. "You're making this really hard Presley."

I rub at my lips and nod, "I--," I furiously wipe my cheeks, and breathe a sense of calm into my lungs. Ben deserves to know and he should have been informed and let in from the first sober morning I had thanks to him. I should have been willing to open up and if I were a good friend I would have.

But I'm not. I don't know how to be.

So I do what he asks and I tell him everything. Absolutely everything. From the day Harry and I met, to the day I found out he left. From traveling to every fucking place I saw him on tv and where I thought he'd be staying.

To our last fight.

"I don't want to keep doing this, Harry," I throw my hands in my hair and look down. "You've been acting this way since I came back." I know Harry hadn't been happy about me traveling with Caleb. But it was business and I couldn't let Caleb down when's he's never let me down.

"What do you mean you don't want to keep doing this?!"

"This!" I motion between us, "what did I fucking do to you?!"

"Nothing!" He roars. It's the same answer he's been giving me for the last month. In the exact way. Shoulders slumped and eyes blank. It's the same answer and every time I believe it less and less. I obviously did something for him to be so fed up.

I don't know what I did and judging by his actions I don't know if I can take it back.

"You can't keep saying that and expect me to magically believe it." I've grown desperate by this point. I don't know what's happening. Why Harry seems to hate me most of the time. It has never been this way. Not on my side at least. "Please tell me what I did wrong."

"Nothing!" There it is again. His voice loud and raspy. His neck vanes are out and one fist is clenched tightly. "Is your self esteem really that low? Fuck, how many times do I have to say it's not you!"

I drop my head into my hands and will myself not to cry, "I can't be the only one trying, Harry. A marriage is a partnership." I say quietly. The ring weighs ridiculously on my finger and it's all slowly crashing down.

Like, the apocalypse.

"So now I'm not trying?! What the fuck do you want me to do?! I've already said it's not you! Why can't you leave it at that?!"

"Then what is it?!" My voice rumbles in my chest and this is the first time I've ever yelled back. Harry knows it too, because his eyes flickered with surprise and his mouth has curved into a small circle.

Harry narrows his eyes and stands, "I can't fucking believe you right now," he seethes in a low dangerous whisper. "I fucking proposed! I proposed because I love you! Because I'm fucking head over heals for you and you're questioning if I'm trying?! Fuck you!"

The ringing in my ears stopped and at the same time so did my already shattered heart, "I don't... Fuck I'm going to leave for a bit-- and um you can--" I stutter helplessly, already walking towards the door, "you can cool off and we can talk when we're not so--"

"Walk out that door and you better not come back."

My grip on the doorknob ceased, and when I turned back to Harry, he blankly looked back. "What?" I whispered, soft and surprised. It was quiet and I don't know if Harry even heard me.

"You heard me," he spoke evenly. "I don't know what you want from me. I'm not your babysitter. I can't keep making sure you're happy and okay. I have a life."

"I know I've been emotion--what are you saying?" I cut off one of my sentences and ask another.

"Let me be clear with you, Presley. We're done. It's over. From this moment on,--"

"You don't mean that. Shut up, you don't mean that--"

"I meant everything I just said!" Harry grits between clenched teeth and fist.

"No," I laughed, my face wounded as I made my way over to him. "No. Don't say that. I'm sorry, I am. I'm trying Harry. I'll try harder--"

"Just go."

"Harry I'll get better! I promise. It's you. Only you!"

"There is no only you!" he spat, because if there was a part of me left unharmed it was gone for good. He was brutal and vicious and I'm losing it. "There's no forever, Presley. There never was."

If I had looked hurt before, I most likely looked deranged now, verging on desperate.

"Presley," Harry's voice echo's in my ears and my head tilts. Ben grabs my hand and squeezes tightly while glaring at Harry. I'm not crying (luckily) my hands are shaking though and I've managed not to fall apart at the way Harry's eyes seem dangerously sad, obviously hearing everything I've been saying, "I'm-- fuck, I was selfish and--"

"Honest," I say, standing with a heavy chest, "I did come back. You always said things like that Harry. Always said if I left I better not come back, and I always would. You always hugged me and told me you were happy I didn't believe you."

"I know you did," he musters sadly waking towards me, "but I had to leave brown eyes," I flinch at the nickname. It used to spread warmth and joy through me now it feels like knives, "I did it for you."

"I came back and you were gone," I whisper looking down. "All of your things were gone and you left this fucking note. I was only worth eight words to you?"

"I-- no Presley, I--"

"Keep the ring. Sell it. I don't care," I remember these words like they were tattooed on me. They tore everything up inside. A fire out of control and on a rampage, "I couldn't sell it."

"I knew you wouldn't," Harry has his hands on my arms, gripping at my skin, "I had to give you up, brown eyes. Had to do what was--"

"Shut up," I shake my head and I can feel my body shutting down. Everything feels harder now. To breathe. To focus. It's all so much right now. I can't get enough air and I can't concentrate. I can't-- Caleb's dead and I can't go back to our apartment. I can't write because Caleb doesn't get to anymore. Louis' here, Harry's back and standing in front of me.

I don't want this. I don't want any of this.

"She's having an attack!" Ben yells and I try to say 'I'm not' but instead I mumble 'stop'. A weak attempt to salvage any honor I had left.

"L-let me g-go." Harry's grip tightens instead and I'm being crushed inside his arms. His hand cups the back of my head as he begins to coo and shh me. "L-let m-me--" I try again but fail. I shove weakly against the arms holding me as Ben instructs Harry on what to do. My eyes drop and are suddenly heavier than usual. My legs have stopped working and my arms are trying to work desperately. "There's no forever."

"Shh baby. I lied. I lied, brown eyes. It's only you. Always you. Only you. For--"

I don't know if he meant forever or if he was trying to say something else. I don't know because my mind gives up and my body sags.

I'm a monster and you'll always be a scared, scared, scared, little girl.

Notes

I'm sobbing while drinking buckets of coffee dusted with spoonfuls of cinnamon. /).(\