Coming Home

"You look better," Ben grins.

He's been smiling more. Says it's because I seem clam and relaxed. And in a way, I am. Even if it's only because I refuse to even think about anyone. Every time my brain turns and Ha-- no. I'm weak and smart enough to know I can't even begin to finish the name.

Because the name itself feels like a curse.

"You're a gem," he's actually a bit annoying. But I don't want to tell him that.

"Pj," Jesse's leaving today. Luckily it's only for two weeks, but nonetheless Jesse's leaving and my heart frowns at the thought. "Okay, I'll see you in two weeks? I'll make dinner again?"

"No," Ben exclaims with waving hands. "No! Presley's stomach is still recovering and the stain on the rug refuses to go away. The only thing you're making is cereal and that's while being watched."

"I didn't know I was supposed to keep the fish cool. I'm not a professional."

"Yeah, we got that," Ben says with a distinctive eye roll. "Come hug me and then go away. I have to burn my rug."

"Don't be a dick. Stay nice and--" that's when Jesse leans in and whispers in Ben's ears. I can't hear and half of me is okay with that, because I don't want to deal with anymore. I don't think I have the capability to.

Jesse turns to me, with soft eyes and a lazy smile, "I'm going to miss you," he says, wrapping his arms around my lower back. "Stay like this, okay? Relaxed and, like, just stay like this, okay?"

"I'm a bit stupid, but okay." My mouth is trapped between his neck and shoulder. "You'll call?"

"I'll even email." Jesse chuckles and kisses the top of my head. We pull away, and I've never noticed Jesse's eyes before. Well, I have. But they've never seemed to sparkle quite as much as they do now. And they're getting closer, or maybe that's because my face is leaning in and before I can comprehend anything, my mouth is connected to his and my head is fuzzy.

"Pres-- woah, okay. Never mind." Ben has always been able to kill a moment.

My face is most likely Crimson and I must look ridiculous, because I expected to self loath and stuff my face, but kissing Jesse was never intended to be on that list. "I, um, m-my cabs here-- I um, I'll call." Jesse almost runs out and thankfully he's out before I evaporate in embarrassment and humiliation.

"You and my brother just made out," Ben teases and bumps our shoulders together. "Despite how gross that was, I'm excited! You two were always cute."

"I-- I don't... I swear-- I'm going to bed..."

"No, let's plan your wedding!"

"Oh, shut up." Ben laughs and I can only hear him until the door shuts and his laugh luckily drowns out.

****
"Presley... rug killer...." My shoulder is being attacked and my body is moving from side to side. I don't remember falling asleep, but then again I don't remember what happy feels like, so...

"What? Are you dying? Is something on fire?"

"No, but someone's here to see you," Ben says with a light chuckle. "Get up and come to the living room."

Only I have the sheer luck of having someone come over at this time. Only I would get woken up. My clothes are fine. I fell asleep in my jeans (because I'm me) and I'm not worthy enough to fix my make up. So whoever's out there is just going to have to deal with me and my average face.

I can hear them talking. That's how I know it's a man.

It's someone familiar and my stomach is doing flips. But it must not be bad if Ben had let them in.

And it's not bad. Not at all.

"Niall!" I sound five and I look three as I run towards the Irish man, throwing my arms around him, as he laughs and picks me up from the ground.

"Pj!" He's the second and only other man that calls me Pj. The only other one who's allowed to anyway. "Missed you!"

"Where have you been all my life?!"

"Breaks over and work begins again. Just thought I'd come back a bit earlier." And I tend to forget that being a pop star is completely different from any job I've ever had. "Let me see you." Niall coos, pushing me away. "You're gorgeous."

"I believe it." I laugh. "What are you doing here?" Niall and I weren't close- close. We were friends, and I loved him, and his ability to laugh at anything. He was happiness and it was refreshing. But we were never best friend close. Louis had taken that spot.

"Can't a lad visit his mate with no question?"

"I don't know? What's a mate?" The only mate I know is the one animals find and then couple up with.

"It's what they call friends," Ben tuts, laughing.

"Oh." I mumble with scarlet cheeks.

"So," Niall breathes, flopping onto our couch with a sigh. "How have you been? Kinda lost communication since the whole, um yeah.... Where's your brother? Loved that lad. Always smiling."

"You're always smiling," even though Caleb has a relatively nice smile, it's still unnerving to see it so often. "One day they're going to tell you your dog died and you're just going to smile and make someone punch you for being insensitive."

"Don't beat on me because you're ass is sad." Caleb squeezes my arm and laughs. "Lighten up kid. Smiling is free and you never know. Someone could be particularly fond of it."

"Pj? Are you-- did I say something?"

"N-no," because even though it's been nine months, someone still asking about Caleb gets worse and worse.

"Why are you crying?" Niall asks confused and rushed. He scoots closer and wraps an arm around me.

"I'm sorry," I sniffle, pulling away and shaking my head. "Caleb's not here Niall."

Niall looks lost and thrown off. He looks at Ben and then back at me, "where is he?" He asks carefully.

"He died," I hate saying that. Hate knowing I can't simply say, 'just kidding' no matter how mean that sounds. "Lost control of the car. Died on impact."

"What?" Niall gasps. "When? Does Louis-- Harry! Now it makes sense."

"What makes sense? Niall?"

"Nothing-- I'm so sorry--"

"It's fine," I rush before he can finish. Niall deflates and nods. An apology won't change it and I wish people would just get that. "So, how are you?"

A change in this morbid subject would be best. Stop me from flinging myself off a bridge.

"I'll get right down to it," Niall says bold, sitting up, "now don't think I'm just here to complete a mission-- that's only half of it. I really did want to see you." He says, as I tilt my head and bite the inside of my cheek. "El-bell rang, says Louis' depressed and shit. Harry's getting lost, fighting with Jasmine-- though that's not hard to believe, she's a slag-- but she says you can fix it, but doesn't feel right asking you to fix it. Says she's caused enough problems?"

I wouldn't know how Louis' feeling. After I walked out I didn't even look back. Couldn't see Louis' face or his expression. I didn't even want Ben to tell me what happened after I left. It feels to complicated. Harry. When it comes to Harry it becomes rigid and I want to cry. I want to scream, I want to punch him and tell Jasmine (I don't think I like her) what happened at Eleanor's party.

I have so many feelings when it comes to them, and I hate it.

"I, uh, I don't know what to say," I start carefully. "I don't want to complicate things, Niall." That's been my plan all along. That's why I had booked my plane ticket home a week before they were supposed to return.

"Just talk to them. Set it straight."

"They'll get over it," Ben says stepping closer to us. "They were the ones that left. They were the ones who pushed and started things. They fucked up and now because they're sad, Presley's supposed to fix it? That's shit."

"I know you want to protect her, and I understand you don't trust them. I wouldn't either. They were shit at handling things. But I think they really want to patch things up. I know Louis does for sure. Harry's a bit... Yeah, Harry's, Harry."

"They completely fucked he-- never mind," Ben sighs and scratches at his scalp. "If you want her to talk to them, I get to be there." I don't know when I agreed to speak with them, and then again I don't think I even had a choice.

"Don't you think we should let them--"

"No, Ben's right," I take Ben's hand and breathe. "I owe Ben that at least. Considering everything else. I'll do this how Ben thinks is best."

Niall frowns and his brows droop. "Okay. Your choice." He says, standing and stretching. "Tomorrow. I'll have them both at Louis' ready and civil. Well, as civil as those two can be."

Tomorrow is a few hours away. I have a few fucking hours to get my shit together and my words organized. Tomorrow's Sunday and Sunday's tend to be the day's most fucked and deranged. It only makes sense this conversation happens on a Sunday.

"I really did want to come see you," Niall smiles. He nods at Ben from the door and leans close to my ear. "Seeing someone decide for you is weird." He kisses my cheek and walks out.

Niall is happiness and right now he's a bit cloudy if he thinks Ben's deciding anything for me. Ben only does it because he cares. Because he doesn't want me to get bad again. Ben is my friend.

Ben wants to help. Because Ben knows best and he's always saying "Sometimes, you have to lose everything to truly find yourself." And I've lost everything.

I'm just waiting to figure out who I am without Caleb and Louis. Waiting to see if I can be okay without Harry.

Notes

Life is complicated and messy. Xx