Time, its all we have, but never enough. We live on borrowed time and spend it like there's no tomorrow. Its just time. We waste it, we wish it away, we look back on it, and we look forward to it.
So I stopped it.
I did what I had to do, fulfilled my responsibilities, and stopped time.
I had just mutually ended a whirlwind romance with one of the most famous men in the world. I would have considered him, up to this point in my life, the love of my life. He made me feel unbridled love, a feeling I never knew existed.
We got up and walked away from it literally. I left my heart in Germany, and that too, feels literal.
Time feels as though it has stopped. My heart feels like it stopped beating. Crushed. I'm not hurt, he did not hurt me. He brought me into a world I would have never known existed. My happiness was his happiness.
Some will tell you not to dwell on it and just move on. There is no possible way. I think I could recover from a death better than I can or could recover from this. He is alive and my heart is alive in him.
Two weeks. I have taken two weeks off from my life. I have two weeks to gain control of my life. No, not my life, but my love for life. My life was measured in weeks, days, hours and minutes until I would see him next. Two weeks.
I wouldn't say that I'm depressed, the wind has just been knocked out me and I cant seem to catch my breath. The only thing I can relate to this is one time as a child my friends and I were swinging on a swing set at the local park. Each of us taking turns to see who could jump this furthest. When it came my time I let go too early, I fell backward out of the swing and landed flat on my back. It didn't knock me out or do any damage, it just knocked the breath out of me. I remember that feeling. That is how I feel.
So, I lay here in my bed in my condo pondering what to do. I have taken two weeks off to get myself together, to make myself presentable.
I don't want to call and tell anyone. I don't feel like its their place to know, almost as if its too private. Well, if the press gets hold of this it will not be private anymore. We were very careful about being seen in public and our private life, so assumptions will be made.
I decide I will turn on the TV and see what is on during the day and decide on the travel channel. This show is featuring "the best money can afford" spas. I sit and watch and decide that is what I'm going to do this week, rejuvenate myself, mind, body and, soul at a spa in Hawaii. I pick up the phone, reservations made, I leave tomorrow.
On the plane I decide what luxuries I will envelope myself into. Deep tissue massage, facials with pectin from different tropical fruits, manicure and pedicure, hiking into the forests for tranquility and last but not least days by the pool or at the beach just relaxing.
I get off the plane and step into warm air that invigorates me. I take a cab to the hotel which is beyond my expectations. Pictures did not do it justice. Food is served pretty much around the clock. I could live off the fresh fruit alone.
I call ahead and get my appointments set up for my indulgences, but today I'm going to walk around and get myself acquainted with the hotel and where everything is located.
For dinner I eat at the hotel grill and watch karaoke. I return to my room and decide to retire early. I sit on the edge of the bed and my phone rings. Caller ID, its Liam.
"Hello"
"Hello Love. Did you get the package?"
"Yes, I did, its lovely, but you didn't have to and you shouldn't have."
"But I wanted to. Where are you? Those aren't your usual background noises."
"Hawaii."
"Hawaii? What are you doing there? I don't recall you telling me you had business there."
"I don't. I'm here to unwind and relax."
I don't want to make myself seem heartbroken and lovesick. I don't want him to feel bad.
"Oh, all right. So are you relaxing? "
"I just arrived today, call me in a day or two and I'll let you know. How's your time off been going?"
"Going good. Doing the same, relaxing, seeing family, spending time with friends."
"Good. You need to take it easy, you're going to need it for you upcoming schedule."
"Yes, yes, I will."
There's a bit of awkward silence. I want to scream 'I love you Liam' but decide it would be best not to. My heart starts to hurt.
"You don't leave my mind. I really miss you."
"I feel the same. I would invite you to Hawaii but . . ."
"Yeah, I know. I just wanted to hear your voice, I'll let you go relax."
"Thanks for calling, it was good hearing your voice."
"Bye Love"
Why must he call me that? Why does he have to have a British accent? Why?
"Bye"
Our call disconnects, I smile. I truly loved him. Past and present tense.
The rest of my week goes as planned. Such is my life. Schedules.
I enjoy every minute of every massage, facial and mud bath. I even enjoyed pushing my limits on the hike. By the end of the week. I feel like a new woman. I decide when I get back in town to join a gym. Something to help relieve stress not only from work but my mind.
Week one is on the books. I survived it. I overcame it. No, it didn't not cure my broken heart but gave me that breath that was stuck in my chest. I can breathe.

Notes

Can you feel her pain? Have you ever felt that pain. I have.
I hope I have put into words the best way I know how to make her heart hurting pain become real.