Beneath Your Perfect

It was warmer now. The park was filled with more children, happy and energetic. The sun soaked through my skin and filled me up. It was a beautiful day and I hated the fact that I was having trouble enjoying it.

How r u feeelin???

Liam’s text had come early this morning while I was still at Aria’s. Sarah had come over last night and together they had calmed me down enough to get food in my system before the alcohol repeated itself. I had fallen asleep not long after, squished between them both but it hadn’t lasted long. Too many thoughts were running through my head and I couldn’t sleep; I could barely focus on anything except texting him back.

Can I come see you?

Liam’s reply had come almost instantly, telling me he was at home.

I pushed myself up from the bench before slowly moving out of the park and hailing a cab. I could feel my breakfast moving nervously through my stomach. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling.

I climbed out of the cab and glanced up at the building in front of me. Every part of my body was trying to push me away from this place; it was starting to hurt.

I chose the stairs instead of the elevator. I needed to keep moving in case I decided to stop altogether.

The knock at the door was barely audible and I worried for a moment that I would have to find the strength to do it again, but suddenly it was opening. I was being ushered inside, Liam’s warm words of welcome seeming to sap the rest of my strength.

I fell down onto his couch; the spot was warm like he had just been sitting here. I heard him busy himself in the kitchen, presumably getting tea or coffee. I hadn’t heard what he said.

Tea. He placed my cup down on the coffee table in front of me before taking the seat next to me. His warm hand reach up and touched my face, I tried not to flinch from him but it was also hard not to melt against him.

“Are you okay? You still look really pale. Maybe you should have just stayed in bed.” His eyes held concern, his eyebrows scrunching together to create lines around them. I reached forward to touch them gently, wanting to smooth them out. My gesture must have seemed odd to Liam because he only squeezed them together more.

“Jade?” His voice whispered softly and my eyes moved to look at his eyes. His warm brown eyes, I knew I would miss. Even when they were cold they still held something there. But I would miss them when they were like this. When they still had life in them.

“We have to talk.” I croaked out. My voice sounded like I had screamed its strength out last night. I guess the crying would have left my throat scratched and sore.

“I know. But we can do that another day. You’re ill.” He pressed a small kiss to my brow and rested his forehead to mine. His eyes held worry for me.

I pulled back, needing to breathe my own air, needing to tell him.

“I’m going to America.” It wasn’t how I wanted to tell him. It was not how I wanted to start this conversation. But it had already been said and I barely had the strength to take it back, to fix it. Liam just looked confuse, hands falling from my face to settle in my lap.

“On holiday?” He questioned. “To visit your sister?” I shook my head at him.

“To promo my book.” I told him, I watched his eyes darken before he seemed to force his face into a cool exterior.

“Oh, well how long for?”

“The tour goes for six months.” I heard Liam’s sharp intake of breath. “But I might stay for longer. I haven’t decided yet.”

“Okay. I’m confused Jade. I don’t really get what you’re saying.” His voice was low but strong.

“I can’t do this anymore Liam.” My voice cracked, I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be emotionless around Liam. I wanted him to know this hurt me, that I wasn’t doing this because I didn’t care anymore. “I have to leave.”

“Leave London or leave me?” His voice turned dangerous. His body was stiff; hands were no longer touching me.

“Both.” I forced out, raising my head to look at him. His eyes were staring blankly at the TV, his jaw locked tight.

“Is this because I left? Because I’m sorry and I thought we could work it out.” His voice was like stone, no emotion.

“We can’t work it out Liam. I can’t help you and you can’t help me anymore. We’re not good together.” I told him, he needed to understand. He had to already know that we were horrible for each other. He didn’t say anything, his eyes not meeting mine.

“You need help Liam.” His eyes turned sharply to meet mine, the coldness making goosebumps rise up my arms. “You’re an alcoholic. You’ve practically drunk a whole freaking liquor store since our fight.” His eyes lit up like fire and his mouth opened as if to say something before shutting again.

“What do you want from me?” His voice croaked slightly, showing me how close his emotions were to coming through.

“I want you to be okay Liam. I want you to be healthy and to be okay and for that to happen you need to see someone.” His hands shook before he stood up and moved away, his face wildly moving around the room like he was a caged animal.

“I thought you would be there for me?” His voice broke through the silence and I had to hold in the sob that rose up my throat. My cheeks were already wet.

“I am Li. I am. I love you okay I really fucking love you and it hurts to see you like this. But it hurt even more when you left. You left and ran away to Australia and when I see you again you’re passed out with empty bottles scattered all over you flat. You could have died.” I could hear the anger in my voice but I didn’t want to be angry with him for this.

“I won’t do it again.” He said softly, his eyes turning to mine. Searching.

“You can’t promise me that. You don’t know that.” I shook my head and stood up. His eyes grew frantic as he moved forward towards me.

“I’ll get the help if you stay. I’ll put myself into rehab if you stay. Please.” His voice pleaded with me and I had to close my eyes for a moment to take away the intensity of his. His emotions were breaking through his cold exterior and they were heartbreaking.

“See Liam. This isn’t healthy. We’re not healthy. You can’t get better for me. What if we have another fight and I’m not around? Are you just going to go back to drinking until we fix us again? That’s not going to work Liam. You need to get better for you.” There were tears filling up his eyes and I could feel my lower lip tremble. Why did he have to make this so hard? Why did he have to let his emotions play now? It would be so much easier if I had the cold hard Liam in front of me, not the broken one.

“I can’t put you back together Liam when I’m not completely okay either. I’m broken too and two broken people can’t put each other together. It’s unhealthy and it won’t work.” My hand reached out but I stopped it before it could make contact. I needed to let him go and reaching for him and comforting him wouldn’t help that.

He stayed silent, his eyes downcast. I tried to ignore the tears tracks forming their way down his cheeks as I turned to leave the flat. I had said all I had planned to say.

“I finished the book.” I hadn’t ever expected those words to come from him. I couldn’t help but freeze in my steps, turning to look back at him. His face was raised now; his eyes red and slowly swelling, lips were formed into a hard line. His whole face contrasted together into too many contradictions. Emotions crawling across his face before he pushed them away.

“Did you?” I couldn’t think of anything else to say. I didn’t know what he wanted me to say.

“He died. Your main character died.” Eyebrows rising together in confusion. He didn’t understand it. “Why did you want me to read that? What was so important about me reading that ending?”

I could see him growing angry, the frustration bubbling up and over onto his features. He didn’t understand and I needed him too, he had to see what it meant.

“It was a fucking depressing ending and I don’t see what you were trying to do with it.” His voice broke again and I could see the desperation in his eyes.

“It’s not about him dying Li. He doesn’t die straight away, he gets to live for a long time and then he dies. He’s free. He get’s free. He leaves everything and he’s finally free.”

“Is that ending for me or for you?” Liam’s response came without hesitation. Almost like he was expecting me to say that, like he had had this question ready for a while.

“Does it matter?” I questioned him softly. He nodded his head in response, taking a step forward. I took one back, we both paused.

“I do love you despite what’s happened. But we, we just met at the wrong time.” I took further steps backwards, towards the door. Not moving my eyes from his.

“We would have been good together.” He said softly, his shoulders slumped forward as if he’s finally accepted what’s happening.

“We were Li. And you’re going to be fine without me. Just don’t push people away anymore. Those boys are amazing and they love you a lot. Don’t push them away anymore okay? It’s killing them.” My hand found the doorknob as Liam nodded, his eyes not breaking from mine as if trying to capture me in them; to make me stay.

“I love you too.” He said, his eyes showing me how much he meant those words.

A noise fell from my mouth instantly and I couldn’t hold it. Liam’s eyes widened in response; he took a step forward at the broken sound. I shook my head quickly and pushed the door open. I stepped through and closed it instantly. More noises rose up through my throat hurting the dry scratchiness of it. Tears fell as I took a few steps backwards from the door before rushing towards the stairs. I finally gave into my bodies need to get out of this place.

I let myself move down the stairs refraining from looking back to see if he was following. My own blood was pounding in my ears and I couldn’t hear a thing. My walking was off slightly as I stumbled to the sun outside. A few clouds had shown up and were slowly moving their way towards the sun as if hunting pray. It would be raining soon. I had to get home.

I blindly moved towards the street, moving my hand frantically for a cab. Needing to be out of this place and back home.

A cab stopped and I threw myself inside, choking out the words to where I lived. I ignored the look from the cab driver and the questions that followed. My eyes unwillingly looked back towards the large building. The car moved onto the street as my body twisted staring out the back window, part of me almost wishing he would show up. Run down those stairs and onto the road chasing the car and yelling my name.

That’s what would happen in a movie, that’s what would happen in books, I would write that. But I couldn’t write this, I couldn’t decide what would happen here and Liam was definitely no character. He was definitely no fairy tale and he didn’t come running down those stairs back into my life.

I didn’t stop the cab and run back to him. We didn’t fall into each other’s arms and cry tears of sorrow and joy. We didn’t tell each other we loved each other and that we would be better together. This wasn’t a Hollywood movie or some cheap TV drama.

Liam and I were over.

Notes

Finally updated! Sorry I way overloaded myself in December but it won't happen again!

Hope you can all see where Jade was coming from. I didn't want to make this all fairytale when in reality Liam would actually need professional help.


Oh and Happy New Year!! xx