You Have Me

"This is so fucked up," I mumble. "I'm so fucking done with everything. I'm so done, that if a car was coming towards me I don't think I'd move out of the way." I probably wouldn't. Why would I? I have no family, I don't know who my dad is and I've lost my little person.

I just lost my son. And I have a strange desire to jump off of the balcony.

"Bab-"

"I read about this, you know," Harry's red eyes move up and connect with mine. He stays quiet waiting for me to continue. "It's common, that forty-five percent of first time moms will experience this." Harry's hand is tangled up with mine and I wish I could save Harry from this type of pain. I wish he didn't have to feel this way, because if he's feeling what I'm feeling then I know it's excruciating. "One paragraph. Four sentences. A few measly fucking words, that had no meaning whatsoever, because I thought..I fucking thought it would never in a million years happen to me."

"Beth-"

"But it did. Of course it did," This is the one time I wish I would stop feeling, but right now I'm feeling enough to kill me. And I half wish it would. "I'm sorry Harry. I'm really fucking sorry."

Harry sniffles and shakes his head. "No Beth, don't apolgise. It wasn't you, it's just a fucked situation. It wasn't you." But it was me. I was too unstable. I should have dealt with everything instead of pushing it all back. "How do you feel? Are you okay?"

"How am I supposed to be okay?"

Harry let's out a shaky breath. "Physically are you alright?" No. I'm just really tired.

"Harry, I haven't felt alright in a long time."

"Then cry, scream, do something," Harry stands up and pins me down with his stare. "You're miserable and I can't help you unless you help yourself."

"Eh, I would rather take a nap." I'm being difficult, I know. I'm a mess. Harry is completely right about me needing to feel and letting it out. I just don't want to. I don't want to cry, and scream because I know it won't fix anything. It won't bring back my son and it sure as fuck won't help me forget.

"I can't...I'm going for a walk." Harry mumbles. My back was to the door and the only thing I heard was the door jutting closed and Harry's footsteps walking down the hall.

I think I'm fucked beyond repair.

****
"Beth.....oh Bethany." Louis voice sounds even louder at this moment. Louis should really know that all I want to do is sleep for a few days. Actually I want to sleep forever.

"Lou not now." I mumble, with my face half under the covers. I wonder if Louis would forgive me for kicking him.

Probably not.

"But there's people here to see you," oh god, the last thing I want to do is see people. I barley want to see Harry, and that right there is a red flag because I fucking adore Harry. But seeing his face right now kills me. "Come on babe, let's get you dressed so you can meet Harry's Mum...for the second time."

I actually rather not.

"No, I just want to sleep."

"Beth you've been sleeping for three days now. You haven't even seen the lads, and they've been bugging the shit out of me. Especially Niall."

"Nialls' here?" I ask and despite being terribly sore, I manage to sit up. Louis face a mix of surprise and a tiny bit hurt. And fuck me. He nods silently. "Okay, help me get dressed."

"All this cause Niall's here.....stupid little Irish shit..." Louis mumbles as he helps me stand and then sits me on the edge of the bed. I know it sounds strange. But after I trusted Niall before, I just...I don't know. Niall helps calm me. Even if it's only a little bit. "So what jumper?" He holds up two options and honestly the pink knit one is too preppy and happy. So the mint green one it is. I point to his left hand and a smirk is visible. "I was secretly voting for that one."

****
"Oh dear, I'm so sorry we have to meet under these circumstances," Harry's mom is nice woman. Strong with the same adoring smile as her son. Her hug is nice and I haven't had a motherly hug like this since...well never. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine," I'm actually miserable and I think I've hurt your son by not showing it. "It's all overwhelming."
She nods but never loses contact with me. Her hand always staying on my shoulder.

"It's normal love, with time, hopefully you'll hea-"

"Beth!"

I turn around and breathe out relieved when I see Niall. He runs over to me and hugs me a bit too tight. His arms lifting me off of the ground, "ow, hi Niall." My voice sounds ridiculous, and I blame Niall's hoodie.
"I've missed you."

"I missed you. The lads and I came down as soon as we heard," and theres the detestable pity lacing his voice. His hand cups my cheek and my eyes suddenly sting. "You look terrible."

"Always were a charmer weren't you Niall." Niall's gaze doesn't stop searching my face for something, but he smiles and I'm grateful. Niall gets it.

He gets it without having to explain anything.

Niall comes in close and wraps his arms around me. "We'll talk later." He whispers. I pull back and nod. Although I doubt we'll actually talk. I don't really feel like talking.

"Where's my boy? Haven't seen him in ages."

"Went for a walk. Should be back soon." Louis answers and I sigh. It's a bit depressing because I'm the reason Harry left.

"Okay," she turns towards me and smiles softly. "Let's go chat sweetheart. I'm sure a bit of girl time will do you well." With out an answer I walk towards her and accept her hand. She leads us back inside my room and I'm a bit afraid she's going to yell at me. Because that's what boyfriends mothers do right? They yell at the girlfriends for hurting their sons. And I think I've hurt Harry enough to deserve the death penalty. She must sense my nerves, because she smiles at me and pats the seat next to her. "Don't be afraid love. I just want to make sure you're okay from a mums' point of view."

That's so nice. It really is.

"Now, are you okay? Harry's mentioned you've been a bit...somber the last few weeks..."

"It's been hard these last few weeks." I dismiss. I don't want to worry her. She doesn't owe me anything. She definitely doesn't need to spend her time worrying about me.

"Sweetheart it's been hell for you. Don't play it down," She wraps her arm over my shoulders and brings me in towards her side. Her hand begins to rub against my arm. "I can't imagine going through something like this let alone at such a young age. And I know you don't have a mum or a dad but I'm here and I'll be your mum if you'd like."

"Thank you," My heart flutters and it's so wonderful that she'd do this, but it's not necessary. I'm a lost cause. "But I'd rather just....I don't want to deal with it. I don't think I can."

"Oh huny just tell mumma what she can do."

"Mrs.Style-"

"Anne, love. Call me Anne."

I nod. "Anne I don't want to worry you. I appreciate your concern but I'm a bit of a mess."

"Beth you've been through more, than people twice your age have. More than they'll ever go through. You have every right to be a mess." And I don't think I do. I don't think I have any right to ruin her son.

None at all.

"Thank you, this is incredibly nice of you but for now, I think there's nothing I'm ready to share, but when I am-and I hope I will be soon-I promise I'll come find you momma Styles." She squeezes my shoulder in a thank you and I nuzzle my face against her arm.

"I hope so love, you've done so much for my boy that this would be the least I could do." She kisses the top of my head.

"I haven't done anything for Harry. I think I'm the reason he's quite miserable actually." It's true as it is sad. I hate myself for doing this to the only man I've ever loved (aside from the guys, but I love them in different ways) I haven't been able to love him like I should.

"What? Beth, sweetheart, before you, my Harry didn't even bother to remember a girls' name. You made him love someone other than his family for the first time. You are the first girl he's ever loved, and I think you're going to be the only girl he'll ever love."

I really hope Harry's not that unfortunate.

"Harry doesn't deserves this." I say quietly. I can feel Anne's head nodding and her hand squeezes my arm.

"You both don't deserve this," she sighs and pulls away, forcing me to meet her gaze. "Just because the baby was inside of you, doesn't mean it was your fault. These things happen and sometimes they happen to the best-most deserving people." Her hand slides up and down my arm slowly." Harry's right love. In order for you to start feeling better, you're going to have to let yourself feel."

And what's with people and wanting me to feel this.

This is something no one should feel. Not even Lilly. And I hate Lilly.

There's a knock on the door before it opens slowly. We both turn and see Harry's head popping through the small opening, his eyes noticeably puffy and pink. He's got a small smile on his face.

"Hi mum."

Anne coos before standing and holding her arms open. Harry walks in to her embrace without a peep. His head rests on her shoulder, as his arms go around her shoulders and hers drop to his waist.

"It's okay baby boy. Mummas here now."

It's all a bit too much and it hurts to see a mother mothering her child. So I walk out slowly and close the door behind me. I don't know if I'm grateful for Harry's timely appearance or if I'm sad that my first moment with a makeshift motherly figure was cut short.

I think I'm both.

Walking out I see Louis and Niall in a intense conversation. "Guys?" They break apart and Louis smiles tightly at me. And something's going on. It's not something good either.

"Hey love, how you feeling?" Louis ask walking over to me and curling his arms around me.

"Tired...and...tired.."

"Hmm," Louis hums against my ear. The radios playing in the back ground. "Would you like to take a nap? I'm sure Harry would love a good cuddle."

"Maybe later. Harry should probably spend some time with his mom first. What station is the radio on?" It sounds like and old song is quietly playing.

"It's one of those old school stations where they play 'vintage' songs or something." Niall calls out. I nod against Louis chest, the fatigue trying to take over.

"If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done."

Oh god, no. Please no. I pull away from Louis and walk closer to the radio. The melody of the song hitting me straight in the heart. Oh god, no. I'm not ready for this.

"Beth?" Louis says my name confused.

But I can't respond. Because something's pounding in my chest and it hurts. Oh fuck it's hurts so bad.

"Feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong."

"Shit! Niall go get Harry!" There are words flying around me. And there's movement happening. But I can't focus. This song. This fucking song hurts. "Hey Beth, swee-"

"S-shut u-up." my voice is shaking and I feel like everything's coming down at me. Everything I've been trying so hard not to feel. Everything I've been praying I wouldn't feel.

But I do. And it...it's too much.

"Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much."

"Baby? Hey Beth it's me." I turn my body towards Harry's voice. I can see everyone there. Looking at me with worried filled eyes. Harry runs towards me and places both hands on both of my arms. "Hey, hey, hey look at me baby. Focus on me."

My head shakes and my body quivers. My eyes are wide and are quickly filled with water.

I think I'm going to loose it.

"It feels like home to me. It feels like
I'm all the way back where I belong."

The first sob rips through my throat painfully and my body slowly falls to the ground. Harry goes down with me as he pulls me against his chest and cradles me in his lap. The second sob is devastating and incredibly loud. Harry's clutching me tightly and my eyes are spilling tears like my life depended on it. My chest heaves and the sobs feel like they're never going to end. Everyone is mumbling around us and it just makes it worse. Everything is on fire and everything feels like its coming at me.

When Louis rushes towards us, tear filled eyes, Harry curls around me tighter, like he wants to hide me away and keep me safe as the sobs escape my shaking body.

"Get out,” Harry says in a tone I don't recognize, low and rough.

But Louis just stands there, staring at me crumpled in Harry's arms, crying my heart out.

"Should we call someone?!" He asks frantically, confused.

“Get out,” Harry says louder, eyes flashing threateningly.

“H-home," I whimper around my sobs, clawing at Harry's shirt.

Harry lowers his voice to tell me I'm okay, that I need to get everything out, then he looks back up, and at everyone.

“Get out or so help me,” Harry threatens and I hope everyone leaves, because this is embarrassing and it hurts too much. It really does. It hurts worse than I ever thought it would. I think everyone understands though, because Louis nods dumbly before moving away and shooing everyone out with him.
Once we're left alone Harry peppers kisses to the top of my head as his arms hold me to him.

"It's okay, baby. Baby, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay." Harry croons, voice thick and sad.

But it's not okay. It's never okay.

"It h-hurts. It h-h-hurts." I chant.

"I know, baby." He whispers against my head. "Just close your eyes. You'll be alright. I won't let anyone hurt you. I'm going to protect you." Harry sits there with numb legs as I cry and shake.

Every thought is a battle, every breath is war, and I don't think I'm winning anymore.

Notes

#imsosad