“I don’t know if I can do it.” I admitted to Luke. He and I were still sitting in the private room, playing with a deck of cards we had found, and waiting for my mum. “See my mum.” I clarified to diminish his confused look. “I-I just… I don’t know. I haven’t seen her since year eight and what if she’s different? What if she’s horrible? Luke, I don’t know what to do! My best friend is pregnant, I’ve just taken a rape kit, dads going to jail, everything is just fucked up and different! And… And you’re the only stable thing I have right now, and I don’t think you want to stay with me because everything is shit and it’s so stressful. You deserve so much more than me, you deserve someone without so much baggage and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry you have to be with me.” Luke’s eyes looked up at me as he set his cards face down and met his blue eyes with my brown ones. He opened his mouth to speak, running his hand through his quiff.

“Romy?” He asked, in response to my rant. “Is this your way of trying to break up with me?” His eyes watered as he blinked frequently in attempt to brush the tears away.
“No.” I rasped. “No, Luke it isn’t.” He nodded slowly, wiping a fallen tear quickly. I had assumed he prayed I didn’t see it, because he was now intently staring at the floor.
“Good.” Leaning over the small table, I pulled his face up to look at me. “I thought you were leaving me.” He let out a dry, fake laugh. The way his lip quivered broke my heart and motivated me to stand, sitting on his lap and hugging him.
“Never.” I promised, setting my head on his shoulder. Luke sniffled quietly, taking a sharp breath in. “Hey.” I cooed, hiding my hands in his hair as I forced myself to look at him. “Don’t cry for me.” I whispered. “Please, don’t.” Luke rubbed his eyes, burying his face in my neck.
“I can’t help it.” He whispered against my skin. “I care about you so much, just the thought tears me up.” I kissed him quickly.
“I’m not worth it.” I argued quietly.
“Don’t you dare cry for me. Ever.” He traced circles in my back. I bit my lip, nodding although I knew at some point I would.

“You’re all I ever wanted.” He whispered. “Do you know how dangerous that is?” I shook my head. “You are so perfect. You’re so lovely, Romy. I know you don’t think that you are worth it, but trust me, you are enough. I hope you never regret me, I just… I promise I’ll protect you, always. I promise I’ll never hurt you.” I curled into him, closing my eyes.
“Lukey?” I asked, earning a small smile.
“Hmm?” He hummed.
“Thank you.” It was all I could think to say.

“Do you know what I love about you?” He asked, continuing without an answer from me. “I love how messy your hair gets, and how cute your little nose is—oh, and how when you get cold it gets so red. I love how soft your hands are, how your nails are always painted, how your lips are almost as soft as your hands. You’re beautiful, sweet, funny, caring… You are home, Romy. You’re my home. You’re the reason I’ve stopped cutting.” I stared at him, blushing madly as I soaked his features in.
“I love your lips and your piercing.” I giggled, poking it gently. “I love how you hold me, and how you hold my hand in the car, and let me sit in the middle council. I love how you respect me and how you understand everything. I love how you keep me strong.” He kissed my nose, smiling at me.
“I’m in love with you, Romy.” He rasped, playing with his lip ring. “I know you aren’t sure yet, but I just had to tell you.”
“I’m in like with you.” I poked his dimple, earning a laugh as he pressed his lips to mine. After wrapping his arms around my small body, he pulled his phone out, opening the camera and snapping a few pictures of us. One of us cuddling, one of us kissing, and one of us laughing.
“I’ve decided to make it my priority to take pictures of you at every second possible.” He declared. “I already have like one hundred of you sleeping.” My face turned bright red.
“You do not!” I laughed, only for him to pull up his gallery and scrolling quickly through the pictures of me sleeping. Shaking my head while giggling, I kissed him.

***

Mum finally came in the room, a man trailing after her.
“Romina.” She gushed, rushing up to me and hugging me. I stared at Luke, not hugging her back. She hesitantly pulled back. “You are so beautiful.” She whispered, her voice cracking as she sniffled, smiling politely at Luke. “Lucas, you haven’t changed a bit.” She recalled. “This is your step dad, Owen.” She told me, I was completely shocked. Anger settling in. She started a new family while I was with dad, alone. “Well, we should get home.” She broke the awkward glances between Owen and I. “You’re probably very tired.” I nodded slowly, unsure how to handle everything.
“Can Luke drive me?” I asked. “I-I have things at Kaylee’s, and-” She cut me off, sighing quietly.
“I guess.” She frowned, signing a release form the police brought and heading out of the hospital with Luke and I following after her.

“I don’t want to go home with her.” I whispered once I got in his car. “Luke, I can’t do this.” I was close to tears, chewing my lip roughly. He started up the old truck and began driving
“Yes you can.” He assured, reaching over and grabbing my hand and kissing the top of it. “I know you can, and if it all gets too much, you can always come to me.” I looked out the window, sighing deeply as I tightened my grip on him.

***

“Are you ready?” Kaylee asked as I got in her car after school on Monday.
“Are you?” I shot back at her.
“I don’t know.” She rasped, biting her lip as she drove. “I’m so nervous.” She admitted. “What if it hurts? Or if the baby feels it? Do you think this is the right decision? Is it a bad idea to get an abortion?”
“I think that no matter what you do, it’s a permanent solution. It’s now, or never. Whatever you decide to do, you know we will all be here for you.” Reaching over, I held her hand, hoping to calm her down. She took a shaky breath and continued driving, soon changing the subject.

“Romy?” She asked.
“Yeah?”
“Is there—never mind.” she shook her head.
“No.” I urged. “Tell me.” Part of me feared she would ask about my mum or dad, considering the whole group knew, but no one said anything.
“Is there something going on between you and Luke?” I was dead wrong.
“No.” I lied immediately. “What makes you think that?” She shrugged, sighing as she pulled into the Women’s Clinic.
“Nothing.” She diminished. “Just a feeling.” I smiled at her, going inside and being directed to a room with her for the scheduled appointment.

She held my hand so tight I could have sworn I was going to lose circulation, we waited for the doctor to come in, and Kaylee was in tears. At first, I thought it was the nerves, or the screaming crowd of protesters we’d ignored, but when I asked about it, I was surprised.
“I-I don’t think I can do this.” She stuttered, standing quickly as tears fell out of her eyes. “Romy, I can’t kill it.” She sobbed. “It’s… It’s mine.” Her voice cracked.
“You don’t have to.” I assured, pulling her into a hug. She pulled away as soon as the doctor came in and looked her dead in the eye. “I changed my mind, I’m going to keep it.” Understandably, the doctor let us aside and Kaylee pulled me quickly to her car, speeding down the road in tears. “Don’t tell anyone.” She whispered while we were on the road. “I-I have to keep the baby.” I promised her my lips were sealed.

***

Mum had asked Luke and I to clean the attic out. Tuesday night, a night Luke came over for movies, sweatpants, and cuddles, we were now locked away in the hottest part of the house, sorting through boxes and slacking off, pretending to be getting work done, when really we were finding the most ridiculous things mum wanted me to get rid of. Everything up here was from her childhood, things from when she and dad were teenagers and in love. Back when dad wasn’t an abusive drunk.

“Look at this!” Luke laughed, holding up a shoebox of old records.
“You’re a dork.” I giggled, turning back to the box I was going through.
“It’s vintage!” He set them down, pulling another small box out. I watched as he picked up a folded paper note, reading it aloud. “Dear Martha.” He started. “I can’t believe we’re having a baby girl. And if something ever happens, I want you to tell her the sixteen things her daddy should have taught her. 1. The boy who takes your virginity is only going to love you long enough for you to stay in his bed. 2. Your first job is never the best job. But you’ll meet some of your best friends there. 3. Sometimes things don’t go the way you expect them to at all. 4. People are usually never who they say they are. 5. If you love someone, you need to tell them. Nobody is good at the guessing game. 6. If your best friends don’t like the boy you’re involving yourself with, chances are he’s bad news. 7. If a boy starts an invitation with, ‘Are you home alone’/’I’ll be home alone’, say no. You are a human being, not a toy to be played with. 8. If some boy invites you to ‘the backseat of his truck’, he’s a piece of shit. Tell him to fuck himself. 9. ‘Sorry’ doesn’t always fix what you messed up. 10. Stop wasting time wishing you could take back what you already did. 11. You are at fault sometimes. 12. There’s going to be a boy that you let get away. Yes, you loved him. It’s for the best, though. 13. Toxic people hardly ever start off toxic. 14. It’s always nice to make new friends, but never forget who your real friends are. 15. Never lose the friends that would answer their phone at 3am if you called. 16. Never lose sight of who you are because of a boy. Love always, your husband—best friend—father of your child, Joseph.” Luke’s eyes met mine. “He sounds like a poet.” Folding the note back up, he tossed it in the box and stood, looking for something else to mess around with.

“Luke, look!” His head snapped to me as he made his way over, taking the video I had in my hand.
“Memories.” He read aloud. “Is there a VHS player in here? We can watch it.” I pointed to the corner, my eyes following Luke as he set it up to the small, ancient telly, and popped the tape in, sitting on the hard floor. “Come here.” He urged. Slowly walking over, I was pulled to sit on his lap. The video started playing. Despite the horrible quality and the roughness of the sound, I was completely interested, Luke’s arms wrapping around me.

Dad laughed behind the camera as mum marvelled at her hand.
“Tell us what happened!” Dad said.
“We’re getting married!” Mum squealed, jumping up and down, blowing a kiss before running to the camera and tackling dad, turning it before pressing a kiss onto dads cheek. The scene changed.

Mum was speaking into the camera, focusing it up at the house. “This is our new home!” She exclaimed. “Here we have our living room, kitchen, bathroom, and here’s the stairs.” Shje carried herself up. “This is the master bedroom, with it’s own bathroom, the guest room—which has a connecting bathroom to our baby;’s new room!” The video switched off.

Dad was sitting on the couch with a crying mum. Her belly was huge, he was holding her hand. He began singing to her.
“Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...
If you smile
With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...
Smile.”

As soon as the video began, it ended and I was sniffling, wiping my tears away.
“Why are you crying?” Luke asked quietly, setting his head on my back and allowed the white noise to fill the attic.
“He used to be so sweet.” I rasped. “He cared so much and he was the nicest boy. And… And then he started drinking.” Luke spun my body around so I was facing him, wiping my tears away. “He used to sing that song. Whenever mum and I were crying. No matter what time it was.” I let out a dry laugh. “He was such a horrible singer.” I smiled in fond memory. “He stopped singing, though.” I told Luke, his arms tightly wrapping around me as I set my head on his shoulder. “You’re a good singer.” I mumbled. “Will you sing to me?” He was silent for a long while, his breathing slow.

“Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...
If you smile
With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...
Smile.”

I hadn’t expected him to sing the song my father used to, but when he did, I instantly felt better, kissing him gently. His gaze falling around the attic and stopping to the left of us.
“What’s that?” He asked, pointing. I stood, walking over to the item and picking it up, bringing it to Luke.
“It’s a polaroid camera.” I told him. “Say cheese!” Laughing, he obliged, giving me a silly smile. I snapped a picture, waiting for it to print. I giggled, holding it up to show him.
“Let me see.” He laughed, standing up as I handed him the camera. “Smile, baby!”He exclaimed, as I stuck my tongue out and crinkled my nose, he snapped a picture. “That’s… Beautiful.” He laughed as it printed, showing me.
“Keep it forever!” I joked. Luke nodded, smiling at he pulled out his wallet and put it in one of the folds.
“Keep yours forever, too.”
“I will.” I promised, leaning up to kiss him, pulling away when I heard the familiar click. “Hey!” I laughed, only to be pulled close to his chest while a picture was snapped of him kissing my forehead. The printed pictures fell to the floor as we continued to take them. Mostly silly, and a few romantic. After sorting out what pictures each of us wanted, we decided it was time for a nap and filed back downstairs.

Notes

COMMENT WHAT YOUR FAVORITE SONG IS!!!

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