THE DEATH OF ME

“Harry” I look up at him. It hits me that it has been a few weeks since the last time I’ve seen him, and that last time ended in a scream match, and the time before that- I can’t even remember when that was. His eyes are a hard green and there is a light trace of his dimples as he bites his lower lip. He is beautiful. The most beautiful human being I have ever seen.
Without another word I do what I have longed to do for such a long time. I take a step towards him and bury my face in his chest, breathing in his scent as my fingers clench the fabric of his black shirt. I feel the sharp take of his breath as my hands touch him, and feel his touch as he brings his arms around me.
I can’t start to explain this feeling his hug gave me. It’s the same feeling as when you get home after months of being away. Feeling safe again, and whole.
Then I remember our last fight, and the hurtful things I have said to him. I let go of him and take a step back, feeling his hands leave me. I glance up at him and then sideways at Liam.
“I er.. food is ready, I came to call you down,” Harry mumbles. I nod and start my way downstairs passing him, Liam right behind me, followed by Harry.
“You must be Liam,” Gemma smiles when we appear, and I am glad she is here, maybe she’ll be able to make this whole thing less awkward.
“I am, pleaser to meet you,” He smiles back offering his hand to her.
“So are you going to help Cass here catch up on her school work or are you going to leave the hard work for me?” She jokes.
“I might stay just so she could help me,” Liam chuckles. “It’s been bloody hard without her.”
“I didn’t take you as a geek,” Gemma raises her brows.
“It’s more of a loner thing.. Nothing else to do but study,” I shrug at her.
“Pretty thing like you- a loner? You’re joking! Are all the boys in your school blind?”
“Alright Gem.. That’s enough,” Harry says, I reckon not liking where this conversation is going.
“Come on, I’m just having a little fun here,” She waves him off.
“Cassie, I just got off the phone with your school,” Anne joins us.
“Sam and I both spoke to them awhile ago, and just got the follow up, they understand your situation, they are willing to let you take the tests, but they start next month,” Anne states.
“Does that mean I need to go back?” I look up at her afraid of her answer. I am not ready to go back just yet.
“Well, Sam and I both feel it is better to give you space and let you go on in your own pace, and the guiding councilor agrees with us, so as long as you catch up from home and give in the papers the rest of the class does, and pass your test you don’t need to attend classes.”
Relief washes over me, and I think it is shown on my face.
“I thought you’d like that, but Cassie, you need to study, and you need to go back to take your finals if you want to graduate,” Anne remarks.
“I will, I promise,” I rush to reply.
“I can’t believe I have to go on a month without you,” Liam pouts.
“You have Calum and Danielle, you’ll be fine- and you can come and visit me,” I shove him playfully.
After we eat we continue sitting at the table talking. Harry is mostly quiet, but when addressed speaks, and makes his sister or mother laugh. I glance up at him and I catch him staring at me. He signals me to follow him and pushes away from the table. I do as I’m told and get up too, without another word. I know for a fact it was noticed by the others, though I guess they knew we need to talk our problems through.
“I see you’re doing better,” Harry closes the sliding doors after we step out to the garden. It’s chilly so I pull my sleeves over my hands to keep them warm.
“I guess I am.. How about yourself?”
“I’m alright,” Harry shrugs.
“I’m sorry Harry,” I blurt out.
“For what?” He questions.
“For getting you locked up.”
“It wasn’t your fault, it was mine, I couldn’t control my temper, which sent that wanker after you,” He says in a pained voice.
“If I ever see him near you again I swear to god I’ll kill him,” He says through clenched teeth.
“How are Perrie? And El? Everyone really?” I ask wanting to change the subject.
Truth is, since I didn’t have my phone with me I haven’t spoken to anyone. I spoke to Ed once since he left me here, when he called the house to see how I am doing.
“They are good.. Demi and Niall asked after you the other day,” Harry kicked at a pebble.
“Oh..” Is all I can think to say. I have so much I want to say to him and yet standing here like this- I just can’t.
“Harry? I’m sorry, but we really need to get going if I want to be back in time for work,” Liam peeks out.
“Right, I need to go.. So..” Harry turns back to me. I can feel my face fall hearing his words.
“Thanks for coming,” I mumble, sadness taking over me. I walk Harry and Liam into the house and to the front door. Followed by Anne and Gemma thanking them for coming and asking Harry when they will see him again.
I hug Liam goodbye, and then turn to Harry. I know everyone is watching us, so I hug him swiftly and let go.
“Bye! Safe drive,” Anne and Gemma wave, and they are off.
I think Gemma and Anne knew Harry and I didn’t resolve much and that is the reason for my bad mood, which is probably why they gave me space the rest of the day. I sit in my room. How could he? How could he drive all the way and only say two words to me and then just leave? Leaving me so empty.

I don’t remember my dream, I can’t recall if Nick was in it or Nan.. Maybe both.. But I jump up sweaty and shaky to find someone sitting on the end of the bed leaning over me. I am ready to scream out when a hand is clasped over my mouth and a shushing noise is sound. The little bed light goes on and green eyes covered by dark curls are watching me closely. I stop fighting, and Harry takes his hand away from my mouth, sitting back. I push myself up and stare back at him.
“What was your nightmare about?” He inquires in a soft voice.
“I can’t remember.. I just know it was bad,” I whisper. Harry nods and shifts closer to me.
“I was about to wake you, but I reckon the dream was bad enough it woke you before I had a chance,” He explains.
“You came back,” I state.
“I did.. I couldn’t- I couldn’t leave things the way we left it- I had to come back.. I took Liam home and then drove back to the flat to get some of my things and drove right back.. I got in a few minutes ago, put my bag down in the spare room,” He tells me.
I am not sure what to say so I keep quiet. Truth is I am glad he came back especially after not resolving anything, I can’t explain the feeling of having him so close to me again, like finding a long lost piece of me or something. Like taking a deep breath after a long time under water.
“Cassie.. do you even want me here?” He questions in a pained voice taking my silence the wrong way.
“Of course I do Harry- I’ve missed you,” without thinking I reach out and pull him to me. Harry shifts again, laying himself next to me, his cheek to my chest as I hold his head between my arms.
“I’ve missed you so much,” I whisper to him.
“So why did you push me away Cass? Why did you leave me?” I think I hear his voice crack but I’m not sure.
I let go of him and he moves away from me. We are both lying on the bed, facing each other. His eyes study me waiting for an answer, an explanation for why I put him through so much pain.
“I wasn’t me Harry.. I was broken and lost, and I couldn’t handle putting the pieces back together- I didn’t want to,” I try to explain.
“But I was there I would have helped with anything you know that- but you pushed me away,” He accused me.
“I know Harry- and I’m sorry- I’m so sorry but I had to,” Tears start falling from my eyes, but Harry doesn’t wipe them away like he would usually do, he lets them fall and so do I.
“Harry, I love you with all my heart, and I lost someone I loved with all my heart too, and I couldn’t handle it.. I wanted your help to pull me up, but I also wanted to die..”
“NO- don’t say that,” Harry touches my cheek.
“I was going through so much and so much thinking- even when I wanted to turn it off I couldn’t- only the pills would, and I’m not sure when it happened.. maybe after talking to Ed I understood something,” I whisper.
“I knew I loved you so much I would die for you, but I couldn’t live for you.. Not even if I wanted to.. I had to live for myself.. and I had to find the reasons to want to get better, so I asked him to take me away, because if I’d see you so soon I won’t be able to fix myself, I would just go back for you and try to pretend and that isn’t fair to anyone, you shouldn’t be the one to look after me all the time, I need to be able to look after myself and I needed to fined the reasons to want that,” I explain.
“Did you find them?” Harry asks.
“Some.. I’m still finding more though,” I smile softly.
“Tell me about you reasons,” He asks, not in the demanding way I am so used to hearing from him, but in that way of someone who really wants to know, because he cares, because he wants me to share it with him.
“One is I want to do so many things, and learn more, I want to help children who went through the same things I have, I think I can help since I understand, and I want to visit places- see the world, and I want to grow old and have a family. I want to be a mum and love children of my own, and give them a home and I want you,” I hold my breath scared of his reaction.
“I want you too- always,” He sighs, “And I like your reasons, and I think you are right, I think you can help those kids, and you will be good at it,” He inches closer, and so do I. We aren’t touching but almost. I can smell his scent which is sweet and cool, the way I remember him, and my heart sings with joy that he is here, and we are alright and that he still wants me, and that he is here with me so close, that we can make it work, that he wants it work, that we are alright… We are alright… everything is alright.

Notes

Two more chapters to go until the end guys..
It's quite sad when I come to think of it.. I think this is the first story I wrote where I didn't get sick of it in the middle- which is why it must come to an end so it doesn't happen!

I do have something up my sleeve for after this story- would you like to know what it is?

Let me know what you think of this story- how do you think it should end?
what you liked most about it- who is your favourite (besides Harry who is the reason most of us are here)

Waiting to hear your thoughts..

ALSO!! Thank you to all the people who voted- the ones who voted straight ahead from the beginning, the ones who waited to see if they like the story and like the way it developed before voting, and the new comers who just started reading and voted now! Thank you! It means so much to me- since every vote is a person who takes the time to read and loves it just as much as I love writing it, and got to know the characters and their story and I'm just babbling now so yeah.. thank you! It means a lot!

I truly love you guys and your comments- some of you are regulars that just feel like friends to me and put a wide smile on my face and a warm feeling of love in my stomach so thank you for taking the time xxx
This kind of feels to me now like a goodbye but it's so not! There are two more chapters and there is something coming after so we still have time! x