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THE DEATH OF ME

For who I am

I don't sleep well that night. It took me a while until I fall asleep. Once I did my sleep was restless, keep waking up from nightmare after nightmare, Nan, Nick and Harry hunting my dreams. At 4 am I give up and sit up in bed, putting the bed light on. I am covered in sweat and my hands are shaking like mad.
I remember then I am in Harry's childhood bedroom. I am too embarrassed to head downstairs to the kitchen and help myself to a cup of tea, so I decide to wake Ed, not wanting to sit alone.
I creep out and open the door to his room, stepping in silently, keeping the door open so the light from the hallway can guide my way to Ed's side.
"Ed," I whisper. He doesn't move.
"Ed," I try again, this time touching his arm.
"Cassie? What's wrong?" He sits up suddenly making me jump back, and nearly falling over.
"Gosh- you gave me a fright! Nothing- well- I can't sleep," I say, my hand resting on my chest, soothing my heartbeat, trying to calm it down.
"Sorry, come sit, are you feeling alright?" Ed moves making me room next to him, studying my face with concern. I sit down beside him and look at my hands.
"Why can't you sleep?"
"I keep having nightmares.. First it's Nick.. and then Nan.. and then they collide together.. and Harry is there.. Everytime I shut my eyes the flashing of the lights play and I am scared," I mumble honestly. I learned that I can be truthful with Ed, no matter how crazy I will sound he will listen, no judging in his eyes.
"When did this start?" He questions softly.
"I am not sure.. If I had them before I don't remember," I sigh.
"Did you take any of those pills?" He asks.
"No.. I left them at home.. I wanted a fresh start- but I can't stop shaking and I.. I just umm.." My voice cracks then and I stop talking. I have never cried as much as I did these past few weeks, and I am sick of it, never being the type of person to shed so much tears.
"Come here," Ed pulls me into a hug, my breath catches, coming out wobbly as I try my best not to cry.
"It's alright, it's a side effect.. It will wear off in a few days..." He rubs my back.
"I'm scared Ed.. Why didn't you tell me this is Harry's family's home? Does he know I’m here? Did he tell you to bring me here?" I wipe my eyes, catching the tears before they fall, changing the subject, hoping it will help calm me down.
"No- he didn’t- he doesn’t know you’re here.. I thought that if I did you wouldn't want to come here... But this is the best place for you- even if you didn't date Harry.. When I was going through a rough time I came here too.. Anne is the best.. She makes you feel at home, and loved and cared for, just like a mum would do, I truly believe this is what you need," He finishes. His cheek is still laying on top of my head, his hand rubbing my back up and down.
I keep quiet, not having a comment for what he just said.
"Would you like a cup of tea? It might help you sleep?" He asks.
"Would you come with me?" I question.
"Sure," He offers me a smile, and we both get up.
I can tell Ed used to spend time here, the way he knows his way around, feeling at home. I take a seat at the kitchen table, sitting on my hands trying to get them to stop shaking.
"here you go," Ed sits a cup in front of me.
I whisper back a thank you and wrap my fingers around it, feeling the hotness to my skin.
"You know," Ed starts sitting in front of me with a cup of his own, "It will get worse before it gets better."
"Are you leaving in the morning?" I inquire, not wanting him to go, but knowing he probably must.
"I need to get back, but I will stay until late morning," He decides.
"I'm sorry I'm like this.. that I call you and burden you with my problems.. It’s just you're the only one that understands- the only one that doesn't judge me," I stop with the shake of Ed's head.
"Don't Cass-I told you to do so- You are like a sister to me, and I will do all in my power to help you, do never apologize for calling me."
"Thank you Ed, It really means a lot to me," I state.
We sit in silent sipping our tea.
"Are you ready to go back to sleep?" Ed questions when we are finished with our drinks. I look up at him, wide eyed. I am too scared to close my eyes, afraid of the faces that might haunt my dreams.
“Would you want me to stay with you until you fall asleep?” He questions seeing the fright in my eyes.
“Would you mind?”
“Not at all, come on,” He gets up, putting our cups in the sink.
We creep back up into the room, and Ed leaves the door slightly open so light will shine in.
I get under the duvet and Ed sits up next to me, wrapping the blanket over his legs.
I find it slightly awkward being sat in a bed with Ed, but before I have a chance to think it through some more Ed starts to sing softly, and I find it to be soothing. IT’s not long when I start to feel sleepy.

When I wake up a few hours later I am sweating and shaking again. Ed is not in the room, and I find myself fighting off a panic attack, sitting up abruptly trying to clench onto the duvet to make my hands stop from shaking. My breathing quickens and I have a hard time controlling it. I push out of bed and storm into Ed’s room for help. However, the room is empty which sends me further down my meltdown.
“Ed?” I call his name out in trembling voice, not sure where he has gone to. Has he left?
“Ed!” I shout out my voice catching.
“Cass!? What’s wrong? “ Ed climbs two steps at a time to get to me, followed by Anne Harry’s mum. Under other circumstances I would be embarrassed of her seeing me in such a state, though I was so scared of my situation I didn’t have the time to feel self conscience.
“I- I can’t make it stop,” I hold up my hands, my eyes filling up with fresh tears.
“Oh Cassie, don’t worry- it’s because of the withdrawal, it will get better, I promise,” Ed hurries to cover my palms with his, holding both of my hands between his own.
“How long will this take? I can’t deal with it- the shaking, the dreams they are all there- I need to make it stop,” I whine tears falling down my cheeks as I shakingly look up at Ed.
“I can help you with that love,” Anne comes closer.
“You can? You can make it stop?” I glance over at her with hope- not caring how crazy I might sound and look, the only thing catching my attention is her saying she can help.
“Indeed, why don’t we start with a hot bath? Gemma loves those soaps that dissolve in the water and leaves them all colourful and smelling fabulous- let’s pick out a smell you might like,” Anne smiles at me, pulling my hands out of Ed’s and wrapping an arm around my shoulders walking me to the bathroom.
She sits me on a closed toilet seat while she got the hot water going, filling up the bath.
“Let me see.. this is quite nice- do you like it?” She hands over a funny looking thing that is full of colours and smells amazing. I nod and give it back to her, the tears on my face starting to dry.
“She buys them from Lush- have you heard of that store? Gem lives there almost,” Anne laughs.
Watch this,” She winks and tosses it into the bath. I watch as it fizzes in the water dying it in purple green and red. The smell of the soap gets stronger and fills the little room up.
“Now, here is a towel, and a robe you might like to use- it makes coming out of a bath so much better,” She hands them over.
“Oh and this, this is a life saver- both Ed and Gemma took this a while back.”
Anne opens up the medicine cabinet which has no medicine in it besides toothpaste, toothbrushes and a little battle with a yellow label.
“Rescue- this is a life saver- and it’s all natural,” Anne hands it over for me to inspect.
“You put a few drops on your tongue and it should help calm you down,” She says opening it up for me to see.
“Does it work?” I ask.
“It helped Ed and Gemma so I reckon it does.. Would you like to try it?”
“Would you mind?” I question.
“Not at all darling, let me help you,” Anne squeezes a few drops on my tongue. The taste is slightly sweet, and I thank her.
“Oh sweetie, don’t thank me,” She sighs, and wraps her arms around me pulling me in for a hug. At first I am slightly taken aback but then I bring my arms around her and take a deep breath.
“Continue with deep breaths as you bath, you will be surprised how much they help.” Anne gives one last smile before walking out and shutting the door after her.
I strip off my clothes and hold my breath as I step into the hot soapy water.
I let my skin grow tolerant to the water and let myself lay back. Once I am lying down I do as Anne told me and take deep breaths. It helps to open the knot in my chest and I let my body relax for the first time since the accident.
I can’t believe I am in Harry’s childhood home, with his mum and sister, which I have yet to meet.
I feel the rescue taking over, can’t help but feel calmer. Even my hands are less shaky and my heart isn’t racing like it did these past couple of days.
I can’t help but let my mind go to Harry.. What is he up to? Does he know I’m not at Watford anymore? Does he care? I start missing him, but I make up my mind not to call him. His family or Ed will probably tell him I’m here anyway and it will be up to him if he ignores it or joins. I wonder if he would.. After how we left things.
One thing I know now for sure, Ed was right by bringing me here. For the first time in weeks I feel I can get through this. I can get better, I can heal and start putting myself back together again.. Piece by piece, slowly but surely.. And I don’t think I would be able to without someone like Anne. Everything about her is a loving mum. I felt it in her hug, her whole heart was in it, she wasn’t judging. Not about why I am at her home, or why I am so shaky. She just loves me for who I am, and that- that was what touched me most.

Notes

Not long now until the end...
A few more chapters to go...

PLEASE READ!

So I don't know how many of you read my other stories, but I know I have promise a sequel to one and continue the others, so I wanted to give you lot a short update of my plans.

Once I finish writing this story I will go back to finish 'The Hitchhiker'.

Instead of a long sequel to 'The mentally brave' I will be posting a short story sequel.
Since I have a bunch of short stories I have written and still waiting to write, I've decided to start a short stories fanfic. It will contain my short stories I have never published and some short spin offs and continuations from stories I have finished. So if any of you have a request
about wanting to know something in one of my older stories or an Idea you would really want to see written you can comment it down below or you're more then welcome to contact me via the privet messages.

Thanks for reading x

Comments

@Allie Miller
Wow! Thank you for reading poppet! you're the best!
Hope you're enjoying it xx

@raylee
I finished it and starting sequel yay

@Allie Miller
Glad you're enjoying it xx there is a sequl out too when you're ready =))

Oh Em Gee!!! Absolutely love this

I'm only on chapter 2 and already loving it!!!!