THE DEATH OF ME

I am standing by Eleanor watching as Harry and Ben get into their cars. I know Harry has seen me even though the helmet covering his face. It was a mistake to come, I know it. But I didn't know what to do. When I woke up this morning my pills were gone. I had such a fit screaming at Sam and Sarah but they said they haven't touched them. I had to find Michael but I don't have his number and since it's a Saturday there is no school. So I had to get my mind off of those pills. As my last resort I called El, telling her I want to come to the race with her. I think she was quite surprise to hear from me but either way she was happy to take me.
However I am now standing here with Harry's beanie on my head wrapped up in my jacket and wishing I was anywhere but here. Perrie hasn't come to the race but Zayn, Louis and Ed did. None of them spoke to me though which I am grateful for.

My hands are shaking and I can feel my nerves getting the best of me. I'm about to turn and walk off when Eleanor takes hold of my arm.
"Are you alright?" She questions with concern.
"Err, yeah, I'm just going to wee," I shrug her hand away.
"Fine," She turns back to the race. I walk away pacing slowly making my way through the people, when I feel someone grab my arm and pull hard. I nearly fall over but whoever grabbed me stops my fall by taking hold of my other hand and steadying me.
"Didn't think you'll fall so easily Bambi."
Even though he used Michael's nickname for me it was not Michael's voice.
"What are you doing here?" I ask Nick once I was steady on my feet and facing him.
"I could ask you the same thing love, I thought you and lover boy over there weren't together anymore," He smirks.
"We aren't, but someone stole my pills so I had to take my mind off of it, this was the only thing I could think of," I say through clenched teeth. My hands were shaking again and I close them into fists by the side of my legs.
"Come with me love, I might be able to help you out," He holds out his arm for me to link my own with. I don't trust him one bit, but I need pills, I really do so I pinch my lips together and link our arms, letting him lead the way.
We reach a clear spot and Nick lets go of me, leaning against the wall.
He lights up a cig and offers it to me.
"Take it Bambi it will do you good," He winks.
I take it without another word and put it between my lips. This time I don't chock on it, but it still taste terrible. I don't get the reason for smoking, I mean it makes no sense- why drag smoke into you? What good does it do? But I smoke it anyway, just so my hands will have what to do, and to put my mind to something other than reminding me I’m out of pills.
"It calms doesn't it?" He blows out smoke with a smile. I shrug and copy him.
"I came to see Ben you know? He's not as good as Harry but I like him anyway," He blows out some more smoke.
"I hate Ben he's a sleazeball," I remark, making Nick chuckle.
"He is isn't he.. oh I just remembered- take," He hands me a small bottle of pills.
"What do you want for this?" I narrow my eyes at him, knowing for a fact he isn't nice as Michael and this bottle probably comes with a price.
"You're cute you know that?" He grins, taking a drag on his cig.
"How much money do you want for this?" I try again.
"One day I’ll need something from you, until then enjoy it," He laughs softly. I'm about to answer that I don't like owing people things when Ed approaches us.
"Cassie!" He smiles, leaning in to kiss my cheek.
"Hi Ed," I smile back, though my smile is slightly stiff.
"God- please tell me you have another one of those? I forgot mine in the car," He points at the cigarette in my hand.
"Here mate, I'm Nick by the way," Nick hands over a smoker to Ed. Once Ed takes it they shake hands.
"Nice to meet you, I'm Ed- Cassie's friend," Ed smiles at him.
"Lovely, I need to run, it was nice meeting you- Come visit Bambi," He winks and with a wave he hurries off.
"Bambi?" Ed asks raising a brow while taking a drag on the cig.
"Long story," I shrug. "The race over?"
"Yep, Harry won, no shocker there," He smirks.
"Yeah.." I let my voice trail and decide to take a pill now that Nick is away. If Ed isn't fazed by my cigarette then he shouldn't be by my pills.
I pop a pill into my mouth and swallow, putting the bottle back into my pocket.
“What the fuck!?” Harry’s voice booms.
“What?” I raise a brow, holding myself not to roll my eyes at him.
“You got more?” He snatches the pills out of my hands.
“What do you mean? Give them back!” I demand angrily. Is Harry the reason my pills went missing today?
“What is wrong with you?” He yells.
“I came to see you race and all you do is yell at me?! Why did I bother coming?” I snap.
“You’re getting high with potheads- not watching the race!” He shouts.
“I’m not doing drugs dickhead!” I spit, hurt by his accusations.
“So what would you call those pills then?” Harry demands an answer. But I don’t answer. I don’t have one to give, and I don’t care to answer anyway.
“Screw it Cassie! You want to smoke? Take your fucking pills? Fine but I promise you! I’ll be there everytime to ruin your buzz!” He promises.
“Ed- please take me home- and Harry? You can fuck off!”
I turn away, knowing Ed will fallow. you see, the thing about Harry that I’ve learned is that no matter how cross he will be he will still make sure I am taken care of, and maybe I'm taking it for granted right now, but truth is I don't really care, not now. I'm on my own time, my own person, and maybe it will be the death of me in a few months from now, but that's a problem for tomorrow's Cassie, today I'm just going to walk away.

"Wait up," Ed calls after me.
I stop in place without turning waiting for him to fall into step.
"Drama," He sighs.
"I don't get what his problem is! We aren't together, he cannot tell me what to do!" I exclaim.
"You know why that is though," Ed answers softly, directing us to his car.
"No- I don't!" I snap.
Ed unlocks the car doors and we get in.
"I can let you in on what I think, but you have to promise you don't get cross with me.. deal?" He questions with a slight smile on his lips. No matter how upset I am with Harry, I cannot master the anger at Ed. Not with that ginger hair of his falling into those happy eyes. For some reason Ed made my annoyance disappear.
"I promise," I sigh.
"Very well, but answer this one question before- do you still love Harry? Be completely honest with me though," He adds.
"What does that have to do with it?" I stall.
"It has everything to do with it trust me," he smirks.
I exhale and look down at my hands.
"Of course I do, gosh I don't know where I would have been without Harry right now, I love him more than anything," I sigh.
"So why push him away may I ask?"
"Because.. I'm broken Ed, and everyone I love gets hurt around me, so I am better off alone," I mumble.
"Cassie, look at me- you are not broken- maybe you feel that way right now, but I promise you're not- you get up every morning and you left the house today and came to the race- does that seem like a broken person to you?" He asks softly.
"Not everything that's broken seems broken," I reply. "I had a reason for leaving the house today, and believe me it wasn't to see Harry."

Ed keeps quite for a moment. He starts the car and pulls out of the car park.
"Cassie, the reason Harry keeps pushing and following your every move, is not only because he's an obsessive dick, he truly loves you with all his heart, and he needs to make sure you're alright, and I reckon it's not only for you, but for himself too.. I mean, he's my best mate so I know him pretty well, and I can tell you he never acted this way with any other girl he dated. Sure he did with his friends when it comes to Eleanor, Louis, Niall or me, but not any other girl he has ever been with. He wouldn't go out of his way for them like he does for you, and I know how annoying that could be, but it's all out of love and care for your well being he's neurotic that way, but it's all out of the goodness of his heart, I promise you," He remarks.
"I know.. I know that.. I just.. I'm in a bad place right now, and I need to be there, I know I'm being a twat but I need to be in this dark hole right now, and I need to get out of it on my own time, and I guess I need Harry to understand that, and until he gets it I can't be with him," I reply.
"I get that," Ed agrees with me.
"You do?" I inquire surprised.
"Yes, I’ve been there myself so yes.. You know what helped me though? Aside from smoking? Music," He winks.
"Well that is because you're amazing with it," I giggle, and for a moment my pain is gone.
"Believe me I thought I was shit back then, but it helped," He chuckled.
The pain is back, and I take another pill. Ed notices but he keeps quiet.
"Tell you what, take my guitar with you, play it when you feel like it or don't whatever, I have another one so it's alright," He stops outside my house.
"Really?"
"Sure, and I need you to promise me one last thing," He goes on. "I understand you alright? And I'm on your side, so I won't pest you into going back out and talking to Harry or going to school, damn you can even smoke if you feel like it- but please please please, cut down with the pills.. I was there too taking them every hour, believe me it will do you good to stop.. And I'm not telling you to stop, take one in the morning and one at night, not all the fucking time."
I watch him and his concern, and for some reason for the first time since everything that has happened, I want to make him happy, I want to try harder.. Not for me, but for Ed. I want to do it for him, maybe because he understands, maybe because he isn't judging.
"Very well," I agree.
"Really?" It's his turn to be surprised.
"Yes, but can I ask you something? When I am hurting, can.. can I call you?"
"You call me anytime Cass, even if it's in the middle of the night- and if you need me to come over then I will, I'm just a phone call away," He promises.
"Thank you Ed, for understanding me," I lean in to hug him.
"Anytime kid," He kisses my cheek. "Don't forget the guitar,"

Notes

Hello guys!
Sunday is here which means an update!!
I also would like to say hello to all my lovely new readers! Hope you are enjoying this story just as much as I am enjoying writing it!

What do you think about this Cassie and Ed friendship?
What do you think about Nick? Do you trust him? Does he seem as nice as Michael or should Cassie stay away?
Let me know! Let me know!!!
Wish you all a lovely week full of smilies xxx