THE DEATH OF ME

It has been 3 days since I broke up with Harry, three days since I left my house, left my room. Three days since I got out of bed if you don't count bathroom breaks. I would wake up take a pill cry some and then go back to bed.
Today though it is different, and not because I feel any better, today is different since I ran out of pills again, and the shaking of my hands is much stronger and it takes much longer for them to stop.
I get up and go to the bathroom to check and see if there is anything there I can take.
I ignored all of Sam's calls and all of Harry's phone calls. Eleanor and Perrie came to visit, but when they would peek into my room I would make myself appear asleep. I didn't want to talk about how I felt or about my break up with Harry. I wanted to sleep, and keep sleeping. I wanted my hands to stop shaking. I wanted everything to go away.
There is nothing in the bathroom for me to take so I go into Nan's room. I start going through drawers and boxes to see if there is anything there.
"You look like shit," Sarah's voice is sound behind me.
I ignore her. It got so much easier to ignore people, shut them out as if there is no one there.
"What are you looking for?" She asks.
I give up on Nan's room. I should have known better. Nan was so tidy with her things, that all of the pills are placed in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom.
I turn to pass Sarah but am stopped by her placing a hand on my shoulder. She scans my face and I watch as her eyes go from my face down my arms to my palms. I squeeze them closed and move them in bake of me.
She lets go of me and moves aside without another word.
I walk passed her and back to my room. I change into jeans and a jumper, sliding a beanie over my head. I find some money thrown on my dresser and slid it into my pocket.
When I reach the living room, Sam and Sarah are already there waiting for me.
"Where are you going?" Sam questions.
"Out," I sigh and make my way to the front door.
"To get more pills?" He asks, making me freeze in place.
"You think we haven't noticed? You need to get help Cassie," Sam shifts over to me.
"What would you know about help?" I bite.
"Please Cassie, your hands are shaking and you look like the walking dead," Sarah speaks up.
"Don't act like you know me or what I am going through!" I hiss and with that open the door and walk out, making sure to slam it after me.
I need Michael. He can get me more pills. He will give them to me like he did last time, I am even willing to pay for it.
I hurry to school hoping he showed up today. When I reach the premises I stop, not sure where to go from here.
Then I decide to look for him at the back where we sat last time.
I pace around the school making my way to where I hope Michael is.
"Well hello there love," Nick greats me. He is sat on a chair next to Ashton who seems high out of his wits.
"I need Michael," I cut to the chase.
"Of course you do, and Zoe said you’re not a junky like the rest of us," Ashton giggles.
"Sit down love, he should get here any minute now, why don't you take a smoke?" Nick offers me a cig.
I take in a sharp breath and take it from him. He hands me a lighter and I set it to the cigarette, lighting it up.
"Have you ever smoked before?" Ashton giggled from his spot.. I shake my head watching the cig in my hand.
"Come on love, let me teach you. put it between your lips- but make sure they're dry- you don't want to get it wet you see-"
"Yeah it's not like kissing your boytoy," Ashton cuts in laughing.
"Suck in now," Nick continues.
I do as I'm told. My lungs get filled with smoke making me choke and I start coughing, sending both boys into laughing fits.
"You'll get the hang of it love," Nick chuckles. When I stop coughing, I try again. I don't cough as much this time, but the smoke burns my throat.
"There you go.." Nick smiles at me.
"Bambi! You're back!" Michael calls out. When he sees the cig in my hand his smile fades and a frown takes its place.
"I didn't make you out to be a smoker," He comments.
"Well I am today," I shrug.
He eyes the boys and then looks back at me.
"No school uniform today," He notes looking at me.
"I must say love, you look like a zombie," Nick remarks.
"I need more pills," I spit out, wanting to get my pills and go.
"Out of them already?" Ashton smirks.
"I told you they are stronger then what you had, how is it they're all gone?" Michael crinkles his forehead.
"They just did, can you get me more? I have money," I take out the bills from my pocket.
"I don't know Cassie, I think you need to see your doctor," He says softly.
"God Mike- who are you? Dr. Phil? Give her the pills and let her get on with her life," Nick rolls his eyes.
"Fine, but for the record I think this is a mistake," Michael fishes out a new bag out of his pocket.
"How much do you want for them?" I ask.
"Just take them, but this is the last time Bambi, don't come back for more," He tells me, "Come back if you feel like talking or hanging out, but I am not giving you anymore."
"I will, come look for me," Nick winks.
I nod and turn to walk away leaving the boys with their bickering.
When I am out of Michael's view, I pop a pill into my mouth.
"Cassie?" Danielle is stood in front of me and I pinch my lips. I need to talk to her for only a moment and then I can go back home.
"Hi Danielle, how are you?" I try and offer her a smile.
"How am I? How are you? Are you still on pain killers?" She question. I shrug, since I know she has seen me so there is no point on lying.
"What are you doing with that crowd?" She question nodding towards Michael and his friends.
"Just saying hello to Michael, he's a mate of mine," I sigh," I need to go, nice seeing you."
I stride away and out of school, happy to be away from all of the questions.
As I come on to Sixth street I can't help but stop at Harry's and I lamp post. Are names well noticed where Harry stylus our names. It has been quite long since I've last spoke or seen him. It will be a lie saying I don't miss him. I do, and I think of calling him a lot, but I hold myself back. It won't do neither of us any good. I shake my head to get Harry out of my mind and continue on my walk home.
Once home I pace to the fridge and take out one of the million dishes in it to heat up and eat. Sam is nowhere to be seen and I can hear music playing up stairs so I reckon it's Sarah and ignore it.
When my food is hot enough, I take the dish up to my room, not feeling up to running in to Sam or Sarah.
I climb the stairs slowly and make my way to my room. I stop at the entrance noticing the music in fact is from my room, where the door is wide open and Eleanor is peeling the sheets off my bed.
"What are you doing?" I question, taking a step into my room and putting my plat down on the dresser.
"Airing this place up and giving it a clean," She answers turning back to my bed.
She doesn't ask me for my well being, or adds anything else, so I sit down and play with my food, not feeling hungry anymore.
I take a pill and swallow it instead, thinking maybe I'll just go back to bed.
"Is this going to take any longer?" I question her, wanting to know when she is planning to leave.
"Cassie! I feel like slapping your face!" Eleanor turns to me in an angry manner, hands on hips and a scowl on her face.
"No one asked you to come here," I roll my eyes at her.
"Yes and no.. I was asked, but I was planning on popping in anyway since I wanted to see how you're doing, but after calls from both Sam and Harry I came earlier," She sighs.
"Harry and I are no longer together so he should not be asking those thing of you, and a reminder that you're not my mum or Nan so you don't need to check up on me," I snort.
"I am not your mum or Nan thank god- I'm your friend- and this is what friends do- we look out for each other! I don't know what is going on with you but I've heard enough to know that whatever it is, it's not doing you any good," She says sharply.
"Who told you? Sam? He knows nothing- he doesn't even know me to come up with tales about me," I scoff.
"Cassie, I'm your friend and I care about you, talk to me- let me help you- this is what friends are for, you don't have to hurt on your own," She tells me in a softer voice.
I know she is right, but I want to be alone, I don't want her help.
"Very well Cassie, just promise me when you're ready to talk or when it gets too much for you, you will call me- I will be over at the speed of light," She sighs in defeat.
I nod and stare at the floor, not wanting to look her in the eye.
She finishes setting my bed and then makes her way to the door.
"Also, Harry wanted me to invite you to his last race- the one against Ben.. It's the rematch, I know you two aren't together anymore, but we are all still friends, and it would be nice if you'd show up for some support.. it's tomorrow at 10:00," And with that she is out the door. I am left alone with music still playing in the background. I turn it off and climb into bed. I take another pill and close my eyes, hoping to forget Eleanor was here and what she said, maybe the shameful feeling will disappear.

Notes

Sunday is here again and so I am updating!!!!
I guess Harry and Cassie are really over.. For now at least... What do you think about Cassie and Michael? Massie? Or Hassie?
Let me know down below..

Shout to lovely @elle and good luck @crushingonniall xx