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Mibba

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THE DEATH OF ME

What I want

"Err.. What are you doing here?" I ask as I step down from the last step.
"I said I would be stopping by to see how you are," Olivia answers.
"Well, I just berried my Nan so as you see I am super," I storm passed her and make my way to the kitchen.
"Cassie, don't be rude, I heard of you Nan's death, this is why I am here, to make sure you are taken care of," She follows me.
"Who let you in? This is a family and friends gathering," I snap over my shoulder.
"You're cousin," She replies.
So now Sarah is letting whoever wants into the house?
"Sorry, what is going on here? Can I help?" Eleanor shifts over to us.
"I am Olivia Brown and I am-"
"Just leaving," Harry appears behind her, his eyes cold and demanding.
"Mr. Styles, nice of you to join, where can I find Mr. Teasdale?" Olivia inquires.
"He is with friends in the lounge," Eleanor answers.
"Well then, would you mind if I look around?" Olivia asks and steps to the fridge.
She opens it without waiting for an answer. The fridge is packed with foods, everything from homemade pies and chickens to fruit and vegetables.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" Harry pushes the door closed, standing right on top of Olivia with hands folded and a face full of rage.
"My job, please move out of my way," Olivia answers coldly.
"Your job is to storm into someone's house and go through their shit without getting permission? This is a mourning home and you are not welcomed!" Harry booms at her.
"Keep your voice down! I know this is slightly inconvenient for you but-"
"Slightly? I'm sorry, but are you a Social Worker?" Eleanor steps in.
"Indeed I am," Olivia stands a little straighter.
"Then have you no heart? After all this girl has been through you just come in and get straight to looking through her belongings.. Did you even think of asking Cassie how she is? How she is coping? Did you notice she still has marks on her face from the accident? Do you know she is still in pain, still needing to take pain killers? I would like your license number please," Eleanor asks of Olivia in a soft voice, all this time keeping her voice calm but firm.
"I don't think that is necessary," Olivia starts.
"That is for me to decide don't you think?" Eleanor smiles slightly.
"Very well then," Olivia says between pinched lips.
"I'm sorry for your loss," She mumbles to me as she heads out after giving El the things she asked for.

When I turn to watch her leave, I notice Sam standing at the door watching us.
"That was something.. thank you," He kindly says to El.
"Someone had to do it, that woman is just cold hearted if she even owns a heart," Eleanor answers turning back to the dishes I reckon she was washing when Olivia came in.
"What a dick head of a woman- who the fuck does she think she is?" Harry asks angrily.
"She's gone now, no point to keep being cross about it," Sam states while going back to the people in the lounge.
"Harry, Cass, sit down I'll make you both some tea.. it should warm the cockles of your heart," Eleanor sat two mugs in front of us.
"I don't-"
"Cassie- sit the hell down, you need to drink and eat something, there is a massive amount of food so let me know what you want and El here will warm it up for you," Harry demands, making it clear I will not be getting out of this.
I sit across of Harry and stare at the table, not up to talking.
"Hey, look at me," He says then softly, pulling my hands into his.
"You will be alright."
"I nod as I gaze into his eyes. They are big and green and promising.
"Here eat this Cass, Darcy made this and it is quite lovely," Eleanor put a plate full of food in front of me.
I thank her and pick up my fork, wishing them all to leave me alone.

About an hour later people started leaving, and I was in the lounge with Sam, Linda, Harry, Ed and Sarah. Perry and El promised to come by tomorrow and Louis said he will send some food from the shack.
I thanked all my friends for coming, secretly happy they are finally leaving. However, now with Ed getting ready to leave I felt quite alone, not wanting the house to go quite now, missing the noise and the buzz of voices I so wanted to stop an hour ago.
"Please come visit me soon, don't leave an old lady on her own for long," Linda pulls me in for a hug, then moving on to the rest.
Suddenly I find myself with only Harry, Sarah and Sam.
"I think we all had a long day," Sam gets to his feet,"We should call it a day."
"Are you sleeping here?" Sarah questions Harry.
He nods.
"Well where? on the sofa? I'm not giving up the room for you," She states.
"He is sleeping with me so you can calm down," I roll my eyes and get up as well. Harry is fast to follow after me, and in seconds we are both in my room. Harry is stood with his back to the door watching me quietly.

I feel empty and numb which I don't want to feel. I don't want to think of Nan and feel lonely. I want to feel loved and whole again. I take a stride up to Harry and bring my hands to his chest.
I look up into his eyes to make sure he is watching me.
"Kiss me," I demand of him when he does. Harry furrows his brows slightly but does as I ask, kissing my lips softly.
"Harder," I demand again wanting to feel him. I stand even closer to him, crashing our lips together. Harry doesn't need to be told twice. He brings his hands to my waist lifting me off my feet. I wrap my legs around him as he moves us both to the bed, laying me down slowly making sure I am not in any pain. Then, Harry lays on top of me as one hand pets my hair while the other is holding his weight off of me.

My lips started to tingle and I wanted more. Harry kisses the side of my mouth moving down to my jaw line running his fingers down my arms giving me goosebumps, and yet I still want more. I run my hands down his chest pulling up his shirt sliding my palms underneath to feel his warm skin. I hear Harry let out a sigh as he brings his lips back to mine.
"Cassie.. What are you doing?" He whispers.
"I want to touch you," I breathe.
Harry goes back to kissing me, touching his lips behind my ear as I inch his shirt up even more. He suddenly sits up and pulls his shirt over his head, throwing it to the floor, sending me a mischievous smile before leaning over me once more.

I sit up not giving him the chance and inch closer to him. Then I lean in and kiss his neck, running my tongue over his skin slightly, tasting the salt on it. I move down to his torso running my hands down with my lips as I move slowly. I hear the sharp breaths of Harry which make me feel strong and in control. I reach his belt and my hands move to undo it, however they are stopped in the middle by Harry’s big ones.
"What are you doing" Harry asks again, this time the mischief in his voice gone.
"I want to.. you know.." I stutter.
"Yes, I do know, but this isn't what you want," He states.
"Yes it is," I tug at his hands trying to get to the belt.
"No you don't, you're not ready for this yet," Harry decides for me.
"Maybe you're not the one ready- everytime I try you push me away!" I pout, feeling my cheeks turning red with embarrassment.
"God Cassie! I'm not ready?! Do you know how many times I fucked- this is coming out wrong, look-"
"NO! I'm sick of you telling me what to do and what I want and what I am ready for or not ready for! This is my life! why don't you let me live it?!" I snap stung by his hurtful words.
"You don't mean that!" He stands up.
"Here you go again! I do mean it! Why don't you just tell me the truth for once! You don't want to do- that! You don't want me! that is why you keep pushing me away- just admit it! Is it the scare? is that what turns you off? But that wasn't there the last time you pushed me away! Is it because you think I can't handle it?! What the hell would you know you never gave me a chance- just admit it you don't want me that way! You just wanted someone you can save!" I'm ashamed by my tears but they are too far gone to make them stop now, so I embrace them, and let them come.
"That isn't true.. Cassie- I love you and I want you, but you aren't thinking straight right now, I can't have sex with you when you are grieving, you would feel terrible after and there will be no way for you to change it," Harry tries to reason with me.
"You're lying! who do you go to for your release? Lola? Is that it? When you're not with me?" I know I am acting like a mad girl but I can't stop myself.
"What?! Listen to yourself!" Harry throws his hands up in defeat.
"I'm done! I'm done with this! I don't want this anymore," I sob.
"Fuck it Cassie, you don't mean this," Harry steps closer to me pulling me by my waist.
"I do, don't touch me- you think I am only good for a cuddle? Leave me be," I pull away from him.
"Cassie please- please listen to me, this is not you, we are meant for each other, I love you- you know that- don't push me away- you've been through so much- let me be here for you," Harry begs of me. I shake my head trying my best to hold my sobs.
"Cassie please," Harry voice cracks.
"Can you please leave me alone?" I ask of him.
"You want me to go?" he asks, and I note a tear escaping his right eye.
"Yes," I whisper.
Harry retrieves his shirt from the floor and pulls it on.
"If you need me I'll be down stairs on the sofa," He says in defeat.
I don't answer, and he walks to the door.
"Are you breaking up with me?" He inquires in a low voice turning to look at me before shutting the door after him.
"I don't know.." I mumble.
I see the hurt on his face, and for a slight moment I am glad of that pain, but then I feel ashamed and dreadful for hurting him, almost running out after Harry and begging him to stay and cuddle me to sleep.

Instead I wipe my tears and go to my pill box, take one out and swallow.
The empty feeling is back, as if I am a hollow pit with no floor, and the pain just runs through it without ever ending. I reach back for my pill box and fish out another pill and swallow it as well, hoping taking two will help me sleep without dreaming of Nan or Harry.

Notes

Oh dear... =(

Comments

@Allie Miller
Wow! Thank you for reading poppet! you're the best!
Hope you're enjoying it xx

@raylee
I finished it and starting sequel yay

@Allie Miller
Glad you're enjoying it xx there is a sequl out too when you're ready =))

Oh Em Gee!!! Absolutely love this

I'm only on chapter 2 and already loving it!!!!