THE DEATH OF ME

I am sat in the first row in between Harry and Linda. On her other side sat Sam and Sarah, which I refused to acknowledge.
People got up to speak but honestly I can’t tell you what they said. No matter how much I try to listen I just can’t keep focused.
Behind me my friends gathered.
Perrie sat next to Zayn which sat next to Louis, Eleanor and Ed. Behind them I noticed Demi Niall and Nick which was surprising he showed since I’ve only worked with him a handful of times.
Darcy came with Finn who was sitting next to Liam, Calum and Danielle. I was surprised to see so many faces I know.

After speeches were made it was time to go outside to the grave. It was spitting rain, and Harry was smart enough to bring an umbrella with him, not that I minded. It wasn’t as if I felt the rain as it is.
I felt someone slid something on my head, and when I raise my hand to feel what it is I feel a soft material. I turn to find Perrie in back of me, a soft smile on her lips. She has slipped a beanie onto my head.
Harry links our arms together as we step outside, holding up the umbrella over our heads. I notice Linda standing next to me and pull her in under it with me. Even though my pain I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. She is saying goodbye to her sibling. Goodbye to her only sister, which is probably just as painful for her as it is for me, maybe even more. She squeezes my hand and we pace slowly over to the cart that will drive us to Nan’s grave.

Once we get there, we stand around it, waiting for the rest of the people to show. I try my best not to glance sideways and see the tombstones on either side.
Nan’s grave was reserved for her once my parents died. She and granddad wanted to be next to mum. So When Granddad died a few years back he was buried two graves from mum, saving the one between them for Nan, so she could be surrounded by her family.
I can’t help but think which one will be mine, and when will come the time for me to occupy it.
I don’t watch as they lower her in. I look down at my shoes, trying my best to think of Harry’s fingers which were holding onto my own. Analyzing the way they felt, the way they were warm over my cold ones. The way he took that cold hand between both of his and tried to warm it by rubbing them together.

Soon after people started coming up and hugging me with their goodbyes and ’have a long life’ wishes. Some promised to see me back home in a bit.
Sam said before there is going to be a gathering over at the house and that he would like me to come. I haven’t answered him, however my friends promised they will be there which is leaving me no choice but to go.
Suddenly, I come to realize it is only Harry and I in front of the freshly covered grave, but I can’t bring myself to leave. Not just yet.
“I’ll give you a moment,” Harry whispers closing my hand on the umbrella and taking a step back.
I am left alone with my dead family.
How was this done to me? How could someone go through such a thing? I am stood in front of four graves! Four! Mum, dad, Nan and granddad. The only family I have, the only family I have ever known.

I let the umbrella fall beside me, not caring about the falling rain. Let the drops come. Maybe they will be able to wash away the pain.
“Cassie?”
I turn to find Sarah stepping closer to me. She stops next to the umbrella and picks it up handing it over. But I just glare at her waiting for her to finally speak, telling me what the hell she wants.
“Look, I know you must hate me, I can come off as a brat, and I wasn’t that nice to you… But I also know you are quite alone know and since Sam is the only family you really have left I think it would be best for you to come back home.. I mean, it is your house after all, you did grow up there and.. I didn’t know Nan, I have only met her once.. She was a fine lady, and standing here today and seeing the surrounding graves made me realize how alone you must feel… and I guess what I am trying to say is I’m sorry… I will try to keep out of your way.”
I glance up at her my lips pinched together.
“Look, this doesn’t mean you need to start liking me, hell it doesn’t mean I like you or I promise to start being nicer all the time, but I am willing to give you some space, so please.”
With that she steps back and turns walking back to a waiting Sam, which makes me wonder if she really felt bad or if he put her up to apologizing.

“Are you ready to leave now?” Harry asks, picking up the umbrella that Sarah left behind and holding it over my head.
“I think.. I think I need to go back home,” I look up at him. I think this is the first time in days that I really look at him. He is tired. He has dark circles under his eyes but he is still handsome as ever. I step closer to him and wrap my arms around his torso holding tight.
“I think you should go home,” Harry says gently hugging me back.
“Thank you Harry, for being here for me..” I chock.
“I’ll always be here, as long as you want me,” He promises.
“I keep getting lost in my head and grief, and I don’t know how to snap out of it and then you put me in the bath, waking me up.. and I can’t remember.. I can’t remember how I got there,” I start crying.
“I can’t remember anything after the fight with Sarah and up to you putting me in that bath.. and then all I can think about is this dark black hole full of pain and loneliness and then I find myself here, and you standing next to me telling me to take a moment to myself..” I sniff wiping my cheeks.
“It’s a stage of mourning, it will get better with time, I promise you,” Harry touches my cheek. I nod at him and take his hand in mine, pulling him back to the car, while in my heart I pray for Nan telling her my last goodbye.

When we reach the house I notice Eleanor’s car parked outside and Dami’s car. I know I will probably have more friends in there so before stepping in I take a deep breath, which Harry makes me take another three times, before he pushes open the door.
“Cassie,” I am greeted by Darcy who cuddles me in her arms, and I can’t help but squeeze a little closer to her. Darcy is almost like family to me, and she is the closes thing I have now to Nan.
“How are you keeping up? I came by a few times but Sam said you were staying at Harry’s for a while,” She says softly.
“Yes, I was, but I am back now,” I reply.
“Let me know if you need anything- you have my number, call me or Finn for anything anytime,” She makes me promise to call.
“I put a few things in the fridge for you, I’ll bring some more over tomorrow, but please eat love, look after yourself ok?” She says.
“I will make sure she eats,” Harry steps in.
“Very well, I will come by tomorrow then.”
My friends are gathered in the living room with some of Sam’s friends (I think) and Linda and some of her friends.
Eleanor is in the kitchen with Sam, Perrie and Demi putting things in the fridge and making some food and drinks for the guests.
I feel overwhelmed with all the people so I creep up stairs and shut myself in Nan’s room.
It is the same, just as she left it, minus some of Sam stuff on the dresser and in the closet.
I can even still smell her scent ad I fill my lunges with it.
I sit on the bed and look around.

Nan’s room is old and tidy. When I say old I mean homey. It is made up of light wood and white sheets and curtains. It is light and smells of soap. She has a makeup table with a mirror where she would sit by and put her face on. I notice one of the drawers of the table is slightly open. I scoot off the bed and shift over to the chair pulling it back so I will have better access to the drawer. When I was younger I would spend hours in this room, at this table, going through all the jewelry and makeup. Sometimes Nan would let me paint her face, but that was a long time ago, I since then grew older and away from makeup, only coming back to it after Eleanor made me purchase some a few months ago. Needless to say I haven’t sat in this place and gone through her things for a long time. So I was surprised to find the big drawer where her pencils and concealers were kept to be empty but an old looking album. I take it out and notice some more in back of it. I reach for the others and then move back to the bed. I lean my back against the head board and open the album.

There are old photos of Nan and Granddad looking young and beautiful. Photos of them with friends and family, written in next to each photo the names of the people and the date, Nan keeping everything as tidy as only she could. As I flip through the old photo’s I come across a few of Nan with two babies. Lou and Sam. So Nan did have photo’s of both of them together.
I continue looking through them, watching my mum and uncle grow. When I come to the end of that album, I open up the next. This is mum and dad’s wedding album. I’ve seen it before when I was younger, but this time I Look through it carefully, this time noticing Sam and the resemblance between him and mum.

The last album was of my photos growing up, the few times I let Nan take photos of me. In the end of it, there where photos of the school dance, well before Harry and I had left. Nan and I, my friends, everyone looking so happy with big smiles. Harry was even more handsome then I remembered and I wish I could go back to that day and change it, maybe things would have turned out differently.
When I reach the last page I notice photos which weren’t placed in like the others, but just placed in a stack in the end. I take them and flip through them. These photos aren’t of me, but Sam and Sarah. There are only five photos. One of Sam and on of Sarah. One of Sam and Sarah together and Nan and Sarah together, and one last of three of them.
I flip them over and find a date and names scribbled on the back in Nan’s handwriting.
Jealousy fills my chest. I didn’t want to share Nan with that girl. I didn’t want to share her with nobody, and yet I have, without even knowing, Nan had family she has kept from me, keeping only to herself. I think of throwing the albums on the floor with my sudden anger, but I know deep down inside I will regret it if they get damaged so instead I Place them back and close the drawer, deciding to head back down and hope my friends will be able to keep my mind going back to what lies in the drawers up stairs. I swallow my anger and close the door after me, stepping down the stairs to come face to face with the last person I wanted to see.

Notes

Hello lovely readers!
So I've decided I will be updating every sunday- so you will know when an update will be happening!!

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Hope you all are alright and had a lovely weekend
Talk to you again next sunday xx

P.S I just LOVE Taylor's new CD I mean 1989 is just amazing- have you heard it?