THE DEATH OF ME

Harry decided he'll be staying the next few days at my home, not trusting Sam to take care of things properly. Therefore, he had to run home and get a change of clothes and things he'll need. After promising over and over again that I'll be alright an hour on my own, he has left me in the living room rushing off to collect his things as swiftly as possible.

I sat down on the sofa collecting strength to climb the stairs up to my room. I am tired and in pain and in a real need of a shower.
On the book shelf and by the fire place there are framed photos of my mum as a baby and then her growing up, and with my dad, and Nan and me. There are no photos of Sam, making me wonder once again what is going on. I let out a sigh and close my eyes, deciding to nap here until Harry gets back to help me.

"Are you alright? I can help you get up stairs if you'd like," Sam startles me.
"It's ok.. I can wait for Harry," I mumble. Sam passes me and walks over to the photos by the fire place. He reaches out and picks up the photo of my mum as a baby.
"How come there are no photos of you?" I question, thinking now is a good time more than ever to ask away seeming as Harry's not here to grumble and grunt.
"This is me," He shows me the baby photo.
"No, that is mum," I correct him.
"No.. This is me."
I fix my eyes on Sam, trying to figure out if he’s fooling me or if he’s serious.
“And this one is me too,” He picks up the photo of two year old mum, her face full of food.
“NO- that- that can’t be.. I was always told..” I let my voice trail of as Sam shakes his head.
“You were told that so you won’t know it is me.. I’m the one with dimples, not Lou,” He puts the photos back where they were.
“Why would Nan keep you a secret? What have you done?” I narrow my eyes at him. He doesn’t answer, but he seems sad. Fear fills my lungs. What if he did something so terrible Nan cut him off, not wanting him to have anything to do with us, and now he is here in her house?!
“Sam tell me! I want to know the reason for never hearing about you before,” I demand.
“You knew me once.. A long time ago.. But the guilt.. I left and I asked my mother to keep me from you.. I didn’t want you to know me or what I did,” Sam turns his back to me, looking into the fire instead.
“And she just did what you said? Just like that?”
“Not at first.. It took time.. I was getting help, finally she did as I asked, but I see now she left some photos of me around.. not able not to,” He turns back to face me.
“I’m not following.”
“It was to choose between you not knowing of my existence and you hating me forever.. I hate myself already.. I couldn’t have you hating me as well,” He shifts closer and sits next to me, his body turned to face my way.
“Why would I hate you? What for?”
“For killing your mum and dad,” He whispers.
“My parents died in a car accident,” I tell him confused out of my mind.
“That is right.. there was one survivor that night.. me,” His eyes glazed, and I couldn’t help but feel bad for the pain painted on his face.
“That doesn’t make you a killer,” I explain to him, trying to make him feel somewhat better.
“It is if I was the one driving.”
I stare at him speechless. My whole life I was told mum and dad crashed coming back from a party, a driver running a red light and crashing into them, killing both on the spot.
“No.. It was just both of them,” I tell him.
“That is what you’ve been told.. But it’s not true.. we were all drinking, and I was the least intoxicated so I drove home.. I didn’t notice the other car.. I… I’m sorry,” His voice cracks.
“Why would someone lie about that?” I want to be angry, but I’m not.. I’m hurt more than anything else.
“Because- My twin sister and her husband died because of me- the other driver died because of me- you don’t have both your parents and it’s all my fault- that guy- his children grew up without their father because of me!” Sam raises his voice in frustration.
“And I grew up with only Nan because you chose to stay away!” I say hurt.
“No.. not really.. I followed you growing up.. Nan told me everything, your job.. school,” He got up and started pacing around.
“So you saw her but not me?”
“Do you really think she saw Linda that often?” Sam smirks.
I watch him, shocked, but then again not so surprised. I always had this feeling deep down that people keep their distance from me and he just proved it.
“Cassie?” I hear the door slam and Harry’s voice play through the house.
Before I have a chance to answer him, his face appears in the lounge and when he notices Sam his eyes narrow.
“What is going on here?” He inquires striding over to my side.
“Nothing, can you please help me get up stairs?” I ask of him in a quiet tone.
Harry nods and helps me up. We leave silently, Sam’s gaze following us out the room.

After my shower I join Harry in my room and sit down on my bed watching him as he finishes his conversation on the phone.
“So you’re saying it’s in perfect condition?” Harry notices me and picks up two fingers, telling me to give him two minutes. I lay back on my bed closing my eyes.
“He might have studied your work then… Yeah well.. I’m not worried if you aren’t… Thanks mate.. I will, see you tomorrow then,” Harry ends his call and leaves the room.
“Zayn says hi,” He calls out to me as he exits. A few moments later he is back, closing the door after him and climbing into bed.
“Hi,” He breathes in my face.
“Hi,” I whisper back a smile playing on my lips, smelling the peppermint on his breath.
“How is it being home?” He questions, his fingers tracing their way down my bare arm, causing a shiver to run down my spine.
“Nan was in touch with Sam all these years.. I was the only one he stayed away from,” I say, not able to keep it to myself any longer.
“How do you know that?” Harry’s green eyes lock on mine.
“He told me,” I sigh.
“That doesn’t say much, you don’t know if his word can be trusted,” Harry points out to me, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear.
“And all of these photos around the house.. I was sure it’s mum but it’s not.. why would he keep away from me?” I bring my palm to Harry’s chest, looking for an answer in his eyes, an answer that he doesn’t have to give.
“Did you ask him?” His fingers caress my cheek. I nod.
“He said he couldn’t face me, since he is the reason my parents are dead,” I explain.
“How did he come up with that?” Harry frowns, not believing anything coming out of Sam’s mouth.
“Apparently he was driving the car the night of the accident,” I inform.
“You know that sounds like a load of bullshit,” Harry points out.
“I know.. I just… Gosh.. It just feels I am losing everyone around me.. Mum and dad, Sam and now I’m going to lose Nan as well,” I try not to sound as though I’m feeling sorry for myself, however Harry is seeing right through me.
He pulls me closer, his arm coming round my waist.
“You still have me- and Ed and Perrie, Eleanor- Liam, You have Demi and Niall, Louis- and even Zayn,” Harry counts.
“We are all here for you, and you will never lose us, you’ll never be alone- ok?” He questions, peering into my eyes. I nod.
“I want you to say it,” He demands.
“I am not alone,” I repeat.
“I love you, you know that right?” He says to me, kissing my lips.
“I love you too.”
Not long after Harry falls asleep. I on the other hand don’t. My mind just won’t shut down, leaving me wide awake. I pull away from Harry, letting his arm fall to the bed gently, so he won’t wake. I creep out the room and down the stairs to find a small light on in the kitchen and Sam’s low voice.
“I can’t just leave,” I hear him say.
“It’s complicated.. She won’t want to move.. My mum will haunt me forever if I’ll let them take her to foster care!... Sarah please.. What do you want me to do?.. I know it's hard for you... So come here… I know.. very well… Tomorrow then.. me too.”
The light clicks off and I move to the side so he doesn’t see me as he climbs the stairs.
When I am sure Sam is closed in his room I put the kitchen light on and take a seat.
Who is this Sarah person? And what is it to her if I move or not?
Right now I feel I don’t know Sam more than ever and I feel the panic build up in my chest.
I pop a pain killer into my mouth and try to take deep breaths. Harry would never let Sam take me away, or put me in foster care for that matter.
Maybe I got this conversation all wrong? I never heard her answers anyway getting only half the story.
I feel like I’m losing my mind, everything spinning out of control and there is nothing to hold on to, to make sure I don’t fall. I get up and climb slowly up the stairs, one step at the time holding my side to try and mute the pain. When I finally make it up to my room, I creep in so I don’t wake Harry and climb into bed snuggling up to him. I breathe in his scent. He smells like soap with a dash of mint.
“Where did you go?” He mumbles in a sleepy voice.
“To get some water,” I whisper into his neck.
“You should have woken me up.. I would have gotten you some,” He sighs, snuggling even closer.
“It’s all right, I just want you to hold me,” I whisper. Harry pulls me even closer, and that is how we fall asleep.
The last thought that creeps into my mind is, that no matter who Sarah is, and what Sam decides to do about where to go from here, whatever it might be, Harry would stand by my side, and if I won’t agree to whatever Sam decides, than Harry will make sure it will not happen.

Notes

Who is Sarah??????!!!!!!

Come on come on tell em what you think!!!
Also I want to welcome the new readers (who will only see this once they reach this chapter) and thank the new voters! yeay guys! thank you for making me smile by clicking the rate button!