Rage

I sit there cold and unsettled. My eyes watch her from the passenger side as she feels along the texture of the wheel with the slow right turn. It's rainy around us. The sky seems to have opened up completely in the short bit of time that we've been here in the car. On my lap the phone vibrates with notifications that I can't find within myself to care about right now. The radio is noticeably silent...Mom was never really one to care too much for it while in the car, choosing rather to dwell in the wheel's rhythmic and constant pressure on the road.

Ally:
"Will you tell me what this is about now?"
She's steering the car but it seems the intent of the destination is someplace unknown. The rain pours harder and I swallow in the density of the air. I feel my palms against one another only to realize they've grown increasingly sweaty from being in her warm presence.

Alice:
"That was Harry?"

She turns her head when we reach a light and it's safe to. I hadn't seen her in awhile so the eye contact was something I was still in the process of getting use to.
I nod only slightly, in fear of whatever words would come next. She hadn't said anything to him, let alone acknowledged the fact that he'd been standing there...and that it was his place she had come to.

Alice:
"Is it serious?"

Yet another nod was given to her but with everything that had been going on with Harry and I lately I wasn't sure or not if I were lying to her.

Alice:
"...Is he why you're changing Ally? Why you're so small and covered in tattoos?"

My breath catches conveniently between where it originates and the outside air. I try not to seem too taken by the question but can tell she already senses something with my delayed response. I take a different approach before she gets the chance to jump in.

Ally:
"I'm an adult mom, no ones to blame for-"

Alice:
"Tell me you're not doing drugs, sweetheart."

The car is brought to a harsh halt and we're stationed someplace far along the side of the road. Without the windshield wipers going the rain completely consumes us. I feel a little scared to say anything more though this is the women that's given me life and lungs. I'm stupid to think that my silence will suffice but I'm having a difficult time controlling it.

Alice:
"Tell me it's not true, and I'll drop it."

Ally:
"It's not true."

It comes out without permission or before I can give the unnecessary thought that usually causes the pause. She looks away with the answer into the blurry glass just ahead. Her smell is calming which brings at least a little light to the situation. It's a mixture between fresh linen and fruity conditioner that's been left to sit for awhile. I feel the darkness rising in my chest when the tears brush her cheeks to roll briskly down her face and dampen the cotton of her white shirt. I want to reach for her but I'm afraid she'll forbid it quickly.

Alice:
"Why are you lying to me? Am I really that bad of a mother Allison, that you wouldn't tell me such a thing."

I let my tongue rest there and my lips touch to keep me silent. I know this is bad so instead of dwelling on how much of a bitch my sister was I rather chose to listen.

Alice:
"How long?"

She pries for more but I can't bring myself to even glance her way anymore. I'm overcome with shame and embarrassment so profoundly that I hardly find the will to understand it. I was over this....wasn't I? This was through and it was in my past and yet someone had taken delight in ruining my life again with this.

Alice:
"If I have to ask you again...-"

Ally:
"Since uh.."

I think a bit before I answer because it seems that she's able to pick up too quickly when I'm telling the untruth.

Ally:
"I promise it's nothing serious. Don't cry, okay? I'll never do it again."

I want to reassure her with longevity but for whatever reason there's a block keeping me from doing so. She cries, consoling herself against the steering wheel and I slowly began hating myself for ever thinking she wouldn't find out.

Alice:
"I thought we taught you right..-I thought you understood that you were better than that, sweetie. That you should only love the one that makes you a better version of yourself."

Ally:
"You're talking about Harry? No mom, this has nothing to do with him. This is on me."

It was as if I'd slapped her. Her reaction stings like needles pricking at my skin and I try to imagine I hadn't said anything at all.

Alice:
"This isn't my Ally. You think I'm not told that you spend nearly everyday with him."

Ally:
"That's bullshit."

Her eyes burned fire at my words and I know I'm just giving her even more reason to think I'm in a down spiral. I never swore in my mother's presence.

Alice:
"Why are you defending him Allison? I'm here, he cannot hurt you. Not anymore."

Ally:
"Hurt me?"

Alice:
"You've clearly put someone other than yourself as your main priority. You're sister and I are
in agreement."

Ally:
"I'll always hate her for this. You like her better anyways. Maybe you should ask her about the abortion she didn't tell you about."

I'm boiling at an incline and try my best at prying the door open but she's set the lock from her side.

Alice:
"What are you talking about?"

Ally:
"Let me out of the car,"

Alice:
"So you can go where? We're in the middle of nowhere."

Ally:
"Mom, let me out of this car."

She begins dialing on her phone and it only makes me more nervous than I already am at the moment.

Ally:
"Who are you calling?"

Alice:
"Your father."

Ally:
"No, you can't do that!"

Alice:
"Then what were you talking about?"

I feel stupid when I can't get myself to cooperative with telling her business even though she's sprawled mine out for all to see.

Ally:
"She shouldn't have told you this."

Alice:
"Lori?"

Were we really doing this?

Ally:
"Of course Lori."

Alice:
"Ally, it wasn't your sister that called me. It was -..."

Her words cut off as the rain lets up a bit and she starts up the car.

Ally:
"It was who?"

She tucks her dark hair behind her ears, pressing her fingers firmly to the steering wheel again while she gathered her thoughts in the uncomfortable mute.

Alice:
"Put your seat belt on sweetheart."

--
Alice:
"There's someone I'd like you to meet. Says he has a higher position for you there at your job. Come quickly, Allison."

I try to cope with the idea of being around her and taking orders again. We'd talked for hours prior to coming here for dinner. She'd taken forever to straighten my hair but I knew it was just to encourage a formal bonding time. I wore a little more makeup and looked a little more feminine than I was usually use to. The smell of my mom blew from me to the open air of the fancy restaurant from where she dabbed a little just behind my ears. I follow briskly as we make our way to where we'll be seated. I'm greeted with an awkwardness when I see him there at the table where the waitress has lead us. He gets to his feet with our presence and extends his hand to my mother who seems to know him well. I smile when greeted but chose not to take the offering of his hand. She doesn't seem to notice because of an incoming call from someone seemingly important.

Alice:
"I have to take this, Allison sit please. I think you'll find you have a lot in common with Allen."
My eyes are rolled like a child when she exits and I comprehend the reason she's gotten me so pretty just to have dinner.

Allen:
"You don't look too happy to see me, Ally."

His eyes are soft and understanding but I can't help but to feel trapped by them.

Ally:
"How do you know my mom?"

Allen:
"I've actually known her for awhile, I did some work for one of her companies awhile ago."

Ally:
"And you didn't think that was something to tell me?"

He fixes his tie before motioning for me to sit across from him. There's a pause before I do so, my eyes scan the room full of other couples and though I'm uncomfortable I take the seat anyways choosing rather not to yet cause a scene.

Allen:
"I'm just as surprised as you are...I didn't know you were her daughter."

His eyes consume me all over and though it's totally appropriate I don't look away. I didn't want to be a coward about being here though this would never go over well with Harry. I wondered briefly why mom had been taking so long.

Allen:
"You look beautiful Allison."

That's when my eyes leave him to rest on the decor of the table, it's always nice hearing a compliment for most people but I never knew how to accept them.

Allen:
"I'm sorry...just thought I'd let you know what I was thinking. I thought we did that with each other."

Ally:
"Thank you,"

I mutter it but with little confidence. He looked as well as I'd saw him last but it hardly matter anymore.

Ally:
"I think I should go. She's not going to come back."

Allen:
"Come on, Ally. You're here already. I won't...-flirt or anything."

It takes me by surprise because I didn't originally think he had planned to. I just hadn't liked the idea of how his presence now made me feel about myself.

Allen:
"How is everything? How are you?"

Ally:
"Good, in the least literal sense."

Allen:
"What's that supposed to mean. You're smaller, I see."
Wtf. Having everyone tell me the same thing was really starting to nag my conscious. Maybe a sandwich or two wouldn't hurt.

Ally:
"Why does everyone keep saying that. It's actually beginning to insult me."

I wave the waitress over and give him a generous list of things to bring me since she's already prepaid a certain amount. He does so as well and we're left there again, just the two of us.

Allen:
"That's not what I was doing. I'm just curious how everything's been going with you."

Ally:
"It's great. I'm...-I'm great."
People just loved hearing that in response to the general question, whether or not it rung true.

Allen:
"Relationship?"

Ally:
"Yes, Allen. And I think she has a hint of it, which is why I can't understand why she would do this."

Allen:
"She just...likes where I am in life. Thinks I'd be good company for you to be around."

Ally:
"Did she say that to you?"

He sips his water but I can tell it's to prolong the answer.

Allen:
"In so many words."

Ally:
"Oh my god,"

I reach for my temple to rub impatiently. And I can see now that I have very little appetite.

Allen:
"I have no problem with being here."

Ally:
"I have a boyfriend, Allen."

Allen:
"Still him, or?"

I get up, removing myself from the table and heading the way we'd entered. The dark, slim fitting dress I'm in catches the eye of a few guys in the room though they're seated there with their girlfriends. It isn't until I push at the door that I realize he's behind me and my mother's car is spent from the parking area. Sigh.

Allen:
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

His touch is gentle but it doesn't help.

Ally:
"I'm not hungry. I want to go home."

Allen:
"I'll take you...alright?"

--

The car ride is quiet. When we'd gotten in I'd relieve him of opening the door for me just because it felt too intimate. I turn to look out of the window but become distracted when he pulls into the nearest gas station.

Allen:
"I don't like when I'm below a quarter of a tank, I'm just going to full it up. Is that alright?"

Ally:
"It's fine."

Allen:
"Do you want anything from there? Water or?"

Ally:
"No thanks."

I feel through my hair, grateful for the conditioner she'd given me to keep the luster. The windows are rolled down and the air blows in quite constantly to relieve me of my mood. When he exits I just watch the people as they pull up from the main road and position their vehicles beside the tank. I wasn't quite use to someone doing the driving for me which is another thing that pushed me toward feeling out of my element. He takes awhile but I can see that there's a bit of a line just ahead. Two minutes it looked like. I guess I could wait that long.

I look over to where the next car approaches and I see that the car is similar to Harry's. It parks just beside where we are and I look down at the rims in thought. The car door is slammed and I look forward to see if the line has had any progress.

Harry:
"Ally?"

I turn when I hear him and can't help the way my eyes widen to accommodate my sudden surprise.

Harry:
"What are yo-"

His eyes travel over to where Allen's back to pump the gas and my heart sinks knowing how he'll take the situation. I could honestly say it looked a lot worse than it was because of the way I was dressed. His face goes blank and I pull at the door to exit the car. Fuck. It doesn't budge though it's unlocked and I assume from some sort of safety he has set.

Ally:
"Harry, it's not what you thin- babe."

I can tell the anger has fused quickly and though I know its little use, I continue to pull at the door.

Ally:
"Allen, let me out. Now!"

He takes my aggravation seriously and moves to my side to open the door. Harry has moved closer as well. When I get out I immediately place myself right between them. Harry doesn't look at my but pass me to Allen who says nothing at all. Not even to me. And I was grateful for that.

Ally:
"Harry,"

His hands stretch into fists but I press lightly at his chest to calm him. When his eyes finally fall to me, I suddenly wonder if its what I wanted at all.

Harry:
"What is this?"

Ally:
"He was just giving me a ride home but you're here, so can we go?"

His eyes narrow, looking at my hair and bare legs as if not believing a word of it. It doesn't help that Allen's dressed in a suit himself.

Harry:
"I know you're lying, just get in the car."

Ally:
"Harry I'm-"

Harry:
"I'm getting gas. Get in the car Ally."

I drop it and does what he says without saying anything further to Allen.
-----

Harry:
"Why do you do this stuff? It's like you want me to hate you."

He paces the room in a lighter mood but his words cut into me.

Harry:
"You're the most difficult person I've ever been with. I can't just be with you happily without worrying about you and another guy, you and another girl or whatever it is you're into. I can't keep up anymore."

I stare down at the floor as his shadow follows him. I beg the tears not to fall but they cannot be trapped for much longer.

Harry:
"What's going on with you? Why were you with him?"

I can feel him staring but I cannot look his way directly. I was sick to fucking death of being questioned and just being such a failure to everyone.

Harry:
"Why Allison?"

I pull my hands to my face when I start to cry. My body projects the tears like they've been dying to escape since first seeing my mother. I stand there cold and alone for a second before he covers me with his arms. He pulls me in and snuggles his face into my hair where I know he can smell the new conditioner.

Harry:
"I just-"

He sighs knowing he's gone further than he would have liked to with the argument.

Harry:
"Forget it. I'm wrong for this."

He pecks around before attempting to pull my hands down from where I shield myself. When I don't comply he pecks there on my bare shoulder just softly enough for my body to shiver.

Harry:
"I'm learning to control my temper, okay?"

The water my body uses to spill from my eyes seemingly flutters off with his calming tone.

Harry:
"You have to give me credit though . There was a time where I would have pushed for confrontation."

Ally:
"I want to be with you."

I draw away to tuck at the button of his fitting jeans and pull the zipper down a notch.
Ally:
"Now. Can I?"
There's a glare shared between us for awhile before he turns me to find the zipper of my dress.

Harry:
"I don't suppose you want to tell me what went on with your mom, then...or how your night ended with him."

Ally:
"Not really, no. Not now."

He pulls the black piece of metal downward painfully slow and I count the seconds patiently in my head. When it's reached the small of my back, I turn to marry our lips and drown myself in the familiarity of his scent. There's darkness behind my eyelids but my hands guide me expertly. It's like my body expresses its thirst for him all at once and suddenly he's my addiction. The word pulls me back to the conversation I had with her in the car surrounded by nothing but rain and no solid escape. I let the train of memories wreck to the floor where my dress has fallen. There's a noticeable delay in his movements and I quickly notice. It's done more than once and I'm overcome with the idea that the intensity I feel is one sided.

Harry:
"We haven't in awhile...I don't know if we should-"

He looks down at me, again touching his palms to my cheek but this time the tears are forced down like those vegetables I never wanted to eat as a child. The flame in my lower stomach vanishes and my skin becomes chilly without it. I step back in the whole of my dress and pull it up and onto my shoulders.

Ally:
"... yea. Okay-"

Harry:
"I'm not telling you no. I just-"

Ally:
"I have clothes at Taylor's. I'm going to go change into them, and I'll be back."

Harry:
"Hey, you know I have clothes for you."

Ally:
"It's my favorite shirt...and he probably has it smelling like contraband by now. I'll be back."

--
A few hours decend and I watch them as they continue at filling his living room with dense smoke. I sit there just at the far left checking my email for the inbox I was supposed to receive from my boss sometime today.

Taylor:
"Get us beer , will you."

I move my eyes from the screen to where he is slowly. I don't comment on where the question was in that statement but rather just head for them. I wish he didn't have company tonight because I really needed someone to talk to right now. I guess I could have just let him know that anyways but I didn't want to feel like I was ruining his guy time with my problems. I sigh when there's a knock at the door and I'm the one that has to go get it. It was likely just another one of his buddy's and right now everyone else had gotten themselves a little too nice to care. I sit the pack next to Taylor and head off in the direction of the door. My hair is pulled to one side before I yank at the weight of the heavy rectangle.

I nearly slam it shut when I see him standing there, his eyes reviewing the background before again falling on me silently. When they shut I get a hint of what he's thinking and respond immediately.

Ally:
"It's not what you're thinking."

Harry:
"Yea? Because you've never gotten high with a room full of guys before or anything like that, right?"

It stung more than it was supposed to and already I can tell he regrets saying it. Even if it had been true, but this time it wasn't. I look back and take his hand to come inside. He's greeted by Taylor and other's that he seems to know while I grab my computer from the desk and lead him upstairs.

I tell Taylor we'll back down in a bit before we disappear up the stairs into the dark hallway.

Harry:
"So are you going to tell me what went on with you mother, now..."

I sit the laptop on the dresser and close the door behind us. His back rests on the inside of it now as he stares down at me.

Harry:
"Because it's really beginning to bug me..."

His eyes communicate to me his worry but I unsettle at the thought of him being angry. He hadn't lost it with me in awhile but I wasn't sure if it were because he had permanently fixed himself or because we hadn't been seeing a lot of each other.


Harry:
"I thought we were fine, and then suddenly you aren't answering my calls again- We could have had sex if that's what you really wanted. That wasn't a no,"

Ally:
"Can we not talk about that?"

Harry:
"Why? You're doing that thing again where you keep things from me."

I smell at the shirt I had come back for and the scent was as I assumed it would be. It's thrown back on the bed as I turn to him.

Ally:
"Okay. If I get into any form of a high, including alcohol, then she's getting me a rehabilitation counselor. Oh, and apparently her and Allen are great friends. She wants us to date or something. Thinks he'll be a great influence on me."

Harry:
"What? Wai-"

I guess it fires a little too quickly for him but now that it was out I was glad we wouldn't be discussing it again.

Harry:
"How-?"

Ally:
"Listen, I have no idea. And I don't really care about this stuff right now."

Harry:
"That's why you were with him tonight? She-"

Funny, I thought he'd ask about the drugs first.

Ally:
"Basically... it was all this weird set up. You can't be mad at me for that."

Harry:
"Ally,"

Ally:
"I mean really, I had no idea. I thought we'd be doing some weird mom and daughter thing. And then she just took off."

Harry:
"Ally, it's my fault."

I play idly with my soft hair, thinking of how long it'd taken her to do earlier.

Ally:
"What are you talking about?What's your fault?"

Harry:
"I'm the reason she knows about the drugs."

Notes

Wrote a lot to apologize for not posting before. Thanks for reading,