Fading.

I couldn’t sleep.

My mind kept going back to Harry’s words. Before, I thought words didn’t stand a chance to sting me let alone hurt me. But Harry’s words didn’t just sting or hurt me they wrecked me.

“When I was with Audrey, everything was easy. She was easy to be around with. She liked me for so long, I didn’t have to work hard to impress her. It was just easy. I liked easy.”

I liked to convince myself that he didn’t mean any of that but I couldn’t. His behaviors now made sense to me.

He was tired of me.

Me.

Skylar Spencer.

His girlfriend.

These thoughts were going to kill me slowly.

I got up from the vacant bed, took the blanket and went downstairs. Harry was sprawled out on the couch, and from the way I saw it, he was deep in his sleep. I didn’t know what I was going to do as I walked over the couch and watched him. I watched him as if I would never see him again.

I drank his features: the way his plump lips parted slightly, the way his eyelashes framed his eyes so perfectly, the way his nose flared as he inhaled. All those little things only made me love him even more.

It was unfair how he could sleep as if nothing had just happened.

I draped the blanket over his body and just when I was about to retreat back to his room upstairs, his phone started blinking.

I should have not opened the text but I did.

You may not want to hear this, but I just have to get this off my chest. Breaking up with you is one of my biggest regrets in life. You can’t act like what we had between us was nothing. I loved you and I know you loved me. You at least owe yourself and her to give us another shot. To see where your heart really is.

I didn’t know how much could a person cry in one day. Was it possible for someone to cry so much in such a short span of time?

I crawled onto the cold bed and curled up into a ball. I had no idea how or when I fell asleep but I did.

I guessed that’s how it works: when you’ve cried too much, you started to shut down and fell asleep instead. And when you woke up, you would have enough tears to be shed. The cycle went on and on.


You need to be here by today.

I stared at the text message from Landon that was sent to me over an hour ago. I paused to gather my thoughts. I knew what needed to be done, but knowing something and accepting it were two completely different things. I asked myself over and over again what would one have done when they were in this situation What would most people do in this situation?

Of course they would do the right thing.

I walked towards my duffel bag and started packing.

I kept on shoving my clothes into the bag until eventually none of my clothes were in Harry’s room. When I was done, I slung the bag onto my shoulder and went downstairs.

It was eerily quiet since it was still early.

Good.

No one would see me leaving.

Just when I was about to grab the knob of the door, Harry’s voice startled me. “Where are you going?”

My hand froze. Just hearing his voice caused my words to catch in my throat. I had no idea what to say. I had no idea where his head was right now.

“I should have seen this coming.” His voice was terrifyingly low as he spoke. I slowly turned around and saw that he had his hands clasped behind his head as he looked up at the ceiling. I had no idea what he meant. Honestly, I didn’t know what to think, either.

“I’m confused as hell, Harry. I don’t know what to think.”

“The last thing in the world I want to do is hurt you. You know that.”

“Well, congratulations.” I said. “You just succeeded with accomplishing the last thing in the world you wanted to do.” When he didn’t say anything, I continued.

“Think about it, Harry. Put yourself in my shoes. Let’s say a picture of me kissing,” I paused, taking a deep breath before I continued. “Of me kissing Bennett was all over the internet when I have a boyfriend and that is you. It must have crushed you isn’t it? Then imagine, you see me kiss him..on the neck; your favorite spot to be kissed by me. And then he started telling me that I should give him and me a shot. What would you do, huh?”

Instead of answering my question, he said something that sliced my heart. “Audrey’s right; you’re going to leave me eventually. You would run when things got tough.”

There was that name again. A name that I had began to hate by passion. However, it wasn’t her name that struck me, it was what he said afterwards.

“Audrey’s always right. You owe it to yourself to give you and her a shot. The two of you would be perfect.” I was surprised to hear the bitterness spitting out of my mouth. “You’ve said it yourself last night.”

“I was drunk!”

I bit my lips to stop it from trembling. Hold yourself together, Sky. “But you meant it!”

Harry threw his hands up in the air and sighed, “You’re being ridiculous.”

“You would be ridiculous too if you’re in my shoes, Harry.”

“Don’t you think it’s a bit hypocritical that you always told me not to leave you and now you are leaving me?”

I dropped my duffel bag to the floor and I fixed my gaze to the floor. “You’re the one who’s leaving, Harry. You’re fading right in front of my eyes. And it hurts – a lot.” With tears threatening to escape, I looked up although I knew it was a wrong move.

If anyone’s sad expression could break someone’s heart; his shattered mine. Although his face was blank, a myriad of emotions were shifting through his eyes. I wanted to run into his arms to tell him that he was wrong; that I was wrong, that everything would be all right but as of right now, those weren’t the right things to say.

Harry took another long second then finally looked back at me.

“Fine,” his voice was raspy as he let his hands fell limp to his sides and I was terrified of what was about to be thrown at me. “I am going to walk out of your life and allow you to heal and find someone that is worthy of you. Someone who can give you more than I can give.”

He didn't need to say more. I knew why he was doing this; he wanted to shelter his heart from the heartbreak so he was taking the shortcut, the easiest way out. He wanted to be the one to say goodbye, he wanted to be the one who backed out of this first.

When we decided to try this thing out, I knew that pain was inevitable and we had always thought love was enough.

But I had never thought it would hurt this much.

My heart shattered and I couldn’t get a deep breath. My eyes were clouded by unshed tears and I tried to walk away. But I didn’t move – I couldn’t.

“I love you.” I didn’t know why or how those three words escaped my mouth.

He flinched, not expecting that sort of response.

“This is the time when love isn’t enough, is it?” I had to force myself to speak despite the lump forming thickly in my throat. I swallowed the bile and pushed myself to stand firmly on the ground.

His laugh was hard and mechanical.

I was dismissed.

I always knew he would be the one to end this. I could never walk away from him any other way but I had to now. I hated myself for my weakness and my emotions. But I knew they were a part of me, and I couldn't help it. I couldn't be what he needed.

I heard footsteps coming from upstairs and I knew I had to leave now before it was too late; before Anne found us like this.

I took one last look at Harry, preparing myself to say goodbye.

It had always hurt to tell him goodbye; but this time, it hurt even more. Knowing that I won’t be able to see him anymore, knowing that this would be the last time I see him, knowing that he won’t be returning to see me, knowing that after this goodbye had been said, he was no longer mine.

The last one was the reason I started sobbing.

And it was also the reason I didn’t bring myself to say goodbye.

I was shaking so hard, I could barely get the door unlocked. I just got the door shut behind me when I sank to my knees and fell apart. I didn’t care if anyone saw me; I just cried and cried and cried. I cried so hard I was nearly convulsing. I had never felt such raw emotions in my life. I felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest and tore it to pieces. I curled into a ball on the floor and tried desperately to disappear. But no matter how small I got, I was still here. I still existed. And for a short while, I thought I had mattered to someone. I guess I was wrong. I mattered to no one.

*

I managed to get to the airport without falling apart like I did in front of Harry’s house. I hid my eyes with a pair of sunglasses as I walked over the counter and bought a ticket back to Seattle. I knew I was making an impulsive decision but right now, none of that mattered.

I looked around and saw a couple of paparazzi. It would take nanosecond for the news about Harry and I to be spread on the Internet.

Soon, when everything had died down, there would be no paparazzi following me around anymore. They would know that I was no longer related to Harry really soon. Everything would go back to the way it was. I would be one of the invisibles once again.

Everything would go back to its normal state except for my heart.

*

The last 11 hours of my life had been the blurriest moments I had ever been through. I drifted in and out of sleep for the whole time I was on the plane.

When I closed my eyes, images of Harry came in my mind. I could feel his lips grazing over my collarbone, I could hear his voice whispering in my ear as he planted a kiss on the spot behind my ear, I could feel his fingertips dancing across my skin – I could feel his presence.

And when I opened my eyes, the reality set in. He wasn’t even here. In fact, he was miles away. I wouldn’t be able to feel all those things that I dreamed of ever again.

The thoughts made my stomach twisted. It was then I realized that I hadn’t eaten anything since last night. I couldn’t even bring myself to eat. Food didn’t seem appealing at all.

I just needed my mother.

*

I took a deep breath before I brought my knuckles up to knock the door. The last time I was here, it was the best time of my life. It was the first time Harry came to visit and he swooned everyone with his charm. My mother immediately fell in love with him and gave me her approval with a nudge on the shoulder. However when it came to my father, Harry had to go through an alone time with him before he got his approval.

As soon as the door swung open, I threw myself to the person standing in front of me and started crying. No, I wasn’t crying. I was wailing.

She didn’t say anything as she continued to hold me. She stroked my hair as she listened to me crying. Her heartbeat was in a steady pace as she started humming a tone that I knew all too well. It only made me cry harder.

“I lost him.” I stammered. Hearing the words pouring out of my mouth added more pain in my chest.

There was not a single word in this whole world that could describe the hurt.

She continued to stroke my hair until I stopped sobbing. And when I did, she brought me inside and sat me down on the couch.

“You haven’t lost us.” She said with a smile and that was all I needed to hear.

*

When I woke up, it was already dark. And I was in my room – my old room. As soon as I looked around, memories started to flood my brain.

“Wake up, wake up, wake up!” I jumped on top of him and started tickling his sides.

Harry reluctantly cracked one of his eyes opened and a smirk took place on his face. “I don’t mind waking up like this every morning.”

I started blushing as his hands went inside my shirt, tracing circles on my skin. I leaned forward and kissed his lips. “My dad has a gun under his bed,” I whispered in his ear and he immediately removed his hands from my stomach. I let out a giggle as I rolled off of him. “They’re waiting for you.”

He frowned, “waiting for me?”

“For breakfast.” I answered, rolling my eyes at him.

The next thing I knew he had me pinned down beneath him as he teased me with his lips. He leaned in as if he was going to kiss me, but he didn’t. He liked to tease me when we were in this position. He barely touched his lips to mine when I closed my eyes, then I felt him slowly pulled away. I opened my eyes and he was smiling down at me.

If he wasn’t going to kiss me, I was going to kiss him. “Damn it, Harry!”

I grabbed his face and pulled his mouth to mine. We continued kissing until we realized we needed to stop before my parents caught us. I climbed out from under Harry and sat up on my knees as Harry roll onto his back.

“Come on, breakfast time.” I got up from the bed and walked over the door.

“Sky.”

“Yeah?”

“Does your father really own a gun?” I could see that he was nervous and it was funny.

I smirked and nodded my head.

I wiped the tears with the back of my hand as I took my phone out of my bag and that was when a piece of paper fell to the floor. I bent down and picked it up.

You’re my air.

I had to suck in a breath as I saw his handwriting scrabbled on the small piece of paper. I had no idea when he left this for me.

“You’re my air.”

“Your air?” I asked.

“Well, when I watched you with other guys, my chest would tighten and it became hard to breathe. But then I would see you smile or laugh, and I could take a deep breath again.”

I was stunned. No one had ever said such things to me; it was beautiful. I tried to mask my real emotions and smiled instead when all I wanted to do is cry and told him how much I really love him.

“No wonder you could write songs.” I teased.

I stared at his handwriting and a picture of him writing this when I wasn’t around came into my mind.

As much as I wanted to erase him from my life, I couldn’t.

“Sky.”

My mother was sitting next to me as she read the small note that was meant for me. “He really does love you,” she whispered so low that I nearly missed it.

“Not enough,” I muttered.

“Sometimes two people have to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together.” She always had the right things to say. “He’ll come around.”

“What if he doesn’t?” I spoke my fear.

“Then you still have us.”

I hated how she was always positive. I hated how she always sees things differently. And I hated it because I was nothing like her. I was a blubbering mess and when she was in my age, she had a steady relationship with my father. They were perfect.

“If you feel like doing something, I kind of need your help downstairs.”

*

I told myself that I was done drowning myself in self-pity but when my phone started ringing, a part of me wished it was Harry.

But it wasn’t.

“Where are you?” Daisy’s frantic voice greeted me.

“Seattle.”

“What the hell are you doing there?”

“I just missed home.” I sighed.

“Will you come back?”

I didn’t answer because I didn’t have the answer. So I ended the call.

Audrey was right: I ran when things got tough.

I’ve lost. I’ve always lost when it comes to Harry.

Notes

Tell me what you think!
wow, this was quite hard to write.
hopefully, you'll like it :)