Dreaming Of You // If I'm Still Dreaming

Harry’s POV

“Is she always like that?” Jimmy continues, talking to me as if Jeanne weren’t even present.

“No,” I tell him, interlacing my fingers over my lap as I turn to look at her. No matter how mad, how frustrated I am I can’t be unfair to her… She could lecture way more because she actually knows everything, though she hardly does. Furthermore, a high percentage of how frustrating she is resides precisely in the fact that she says just a fraction of what she thinks. “But if it was up to me she could carry on forever…” I mutter looking right into her eyes in a lop-sided grin. Like that time she told me about Cupid and Psyche… I know I’m sounding as a total hen-pecked, but I can’t help it. In this century, while all people are desperate to make their opinions known, Jeanne just wants to keep them to herself. This is what makes her outstanding, and completely different than anyone I’ve met. She glances at me in curiosity, raising her eyebrows, and my stomach aches. God, give me some peace…

I’ve tried to hide it so that no one knows, but I guess it shows when you look into my eyes. What you did and where you’re coming from I don’t care, as long as you love me, baby. #BackstreetBoys #AsLongAsYouLoveMe

“I bet you have something good on this one too, Jeanne,” Jimmy speaks to her. She modestly shakes her head ‘no.’ “Come on!” He insists and gestures to the audience for them to cheer her up.

“I’m sure Harry has something much more interesting on the matter,” she asserts in a sincere smile as she glimpses back at me, nodding her head for me to take the baton. This is exactly what she’s all about. What she has to say would never silence someone else… Jimmy gesticulates for me to speak. I have to think quickly.

“It’s a groundbreaking message…” I clear my throat, and her smile grows even brighter. “I wish it had been us to put it out there… I mean–––I mumble–––we tried not to objectify women in our songs and to empower them, but I think this song points out the exact root of the issue…” I glimpse at Jeanne a bit unsure, and she flashes me a sidelong, assenting blink. This is like singing with Keith Richards playing guitars on the back. I straighten up in my seat. “The idea that women can only deserve love if they are some sort of blank page is the most perverted way to control them, because it implies guilt, and guilt is an awful feeling,” I state. Jeanne is so clever. She understands the repercussion of having me telling this instead of her. “Nobody’s perfect, and it’s nobody’s fault–––I carry on. There’s a quote by Boris Pasternak… He says: ‘I don’t think I could love you so much if you had nothing to complain of and nothing to regret. I don’t like people who have never fallen or stumbled. Their virtue is lifeless and of little value. Life hasn’t revealed its beauty to them.’” I notice Jimmy is glancing at me in awe.

“Wow, this woman, Harry…–––he mumbles, gesturing his hand up. She really turned you upside down…” I giggle, glimpsing down, unable to look at Jeanne. It wasn’t easy for me to learn this lesson in life, but I guess Jeanne helped me to understand the world doesn’t revolve around me, that people’s lives are their own, and they shouldn’t be subjected to anyone, not even by a feeling as noble as love. “Look at you, quoting Pasternak so appropriately…”

“I can quote Shakespeare too–––I retort cheekily. ‘Let me not to the marriage of true minds’…” I start to recite but I interrupt myself to laugh with Jimmy. For some reason I’m overjoyed. He claps his hands once.

“You two make such a great team,” he claims pointing at Jeanne and me, composing himself. I dare to slightly turn my head to look at her, my heart pounding furiously. She’s radiant massaging her hair, smiling so pleasantly at us. “You should marry…” I shut my eyes closed, turning away in a violent gesture, my hands stiffening. Fuck… I can’t listen to this anymore. For God’s sake, Harry; keep your bloody self together.

I guess now it’s time for me to give up, I feel it’s time. Got a picture of you beside me. Got your lipstick’s mark still on your coffee cup. #TakeThat #BackForGood

“This song is pure poetry,” Jimmy asserts without a single trace of acrimony which, knowing him, surprises me. The video might be a bit ridiculous, but we’ve all been there. Mark Owen maybe was a little too excessive though, grinding his back against the car as if he was about to get off, but who am I to judge? “Gary Barlow should make it among England’s finest poets and be taught in college.” Jeanne agrees with her head.

“My mum loves him…” I mumble, turning gloomy, as I consider for the first time she’ll watch this interview and freak out without a shadow of a doubt. I just hope she keeps her mind to herself.

“When someone notices a lipstick’s mark, then it is true love,” Jeanne remarks out of the blue, making my insides tremble. I eagerly glance at her. She’s as much relaxed as she was the day of her defence when I stared at her and her glass of wine for hours before I finally plucked up the courage to send her a text message. Her deep red lipstick… A chill overcomes my body. I’ll never forget that day, and especially that night… the last time we slept together… Sex hasn’t felt half as moving with anyone else… Why do I have to recall all this right in front of her? How can she give me so many feels? I’m losing control.

Whenever I’m wrong just tell me the song and I’ll sing it. #TakeThat #BackForGood

“Well, this line brings me to context,” Jimmy states and I began to shiver. I don’t know if I can manage what’s coming. “Jeanne–––he turns to his right to talk to her exclusively–––at this point I guess you can’t deny you like boy bands.” The audience cheers up very loudly, and she just does her little pucker. “Yes, don’t roll your eyes at me–––he protests. But I want to go further, and find out who your fave is…” Jeanne cackles, throwing her head back, eyes shut. But I thought he already knew… He asked me Anne’s phone number last week to get the data. Maybe Anne didn’t agree to tell him. This is becoming even shadier. “And I suspect you won’t tell me freely…–––Jimmy carries on playfully. So, let’s play a game!” He opens his arms and the audience acclaims. “I’ll sing a line of a song for you and I’ll try to read your physical response, OK?” What? No! “Let’s see if you can fool me.” She will. She can be like a statue. Jeanne nods in agreement, smiling devilishly. “OK, I have a few theories, so here I go… ‘But, baby, if you say you want me to stay I’ll change my mind, cause I don’t wanna know I’m walking away if you’ll be mine’…” He sings one of my signature lines and it feels like I’m burning. Of course I’m not her fave… I mean, well, I sort of was, but not in the way he thinks. People make some noise. I don’t even dare to glance at her. “No, nothing?” He mumbles, as he gets no response from her. God, she’s like a living sculpture… Does this mean he’ll carry on with this charade? “OK, it wasn’t Harry after all, so let’s see this other one… ‘Whether we’re together or apart we can both remove the masks and admit we regret it from the start’…” What the hell? Why is he bringing him up? “No, not Louis Tomlinson?–––Jimmy ironises. I honestly thought it could be Louis. That wouldn’t be weird, right?” What’s wrong with him? Thank God she didn’t move a muscle or, otherwise, I would have to stand Louis forever. “‘If I ever hurt you, your revenge will be so sweet, because I’m sc*m, and I’m your son, I come undone’…” Jimmy continues singing, engrossed in. I actually like this song. I remember it was one of Louis’ favourites. “No? Isn’t it Robbie Williams?–––he snaps and Jeanne denies with a slight shake of her head. I’m surprised… I was sure it would be him…” Well, Robbie is a bit of a cliché and that’s so not Jeanne, but at this point I just want to know who her fave is. Until Jimmy suggested it, it never crossed my mind she could have one, as of course she never mentioned anything even remotely related. “Robbie Williams fits you as you both have a bit of an attitude–––he scolds her, chuckling. So here’s my next try, and I hope I’m right because if I’m not maybe I ruined tonight’s show…” He huffs, frustrated. Welcome to my world, mate. “‘Clementine, ai, ai, ai. It was never meant to be this way. It was never meant to be this way; if only I told you yesterday’…” As Jimmy finishes to sing the part he glances at Jeanne in silence, studying her. I know her face by heart, but when I think she will stay transfixed… “Look at that smirk! It’s Mark Owen!” What? Mark Owen? “Mark Owen!” That midget? How does Mark Owen fit with Antinous? She should like Niall then… Wait. There was a time Niall was sure she had a crush on him… “Sorry, Harry. You can’t have it all,” Jimmy tells me as he notices I’m absolutely perplexed. This is why she chose Clementine as the name of her main character on ‘A Season In Paris’… because she fancies Mark Owen… It can’t be possible. I shake my head as the audience is still acclaiming. “Well, Jeanne–––Jimmy begins to address her while she quietly laughs–––Mark may be the lucky one, but we’re here to help Harry to become the father of your future kids…” His words are literally killing me… Why did I agree to this? I should have imagined he would carry it to the extreme. “So we decided to put up a little something to increase his chances…” Jeanne laughs again, pulling the palms of her hands together as if she were praying. “As singing One Direction’s songs didn’t work for you to like him, I thought maybe if he’d sing an all-times classic Take That used to cover he’d get lucky…” I’m a fool. I’m a fool… It was supposed to be some sort of serenade, but not like this. I knew this would sound worse than intended. This is Gomorrah. And now I’m sure Anne told him, but he put all this up just to get to sing or to make fun of me. I start to squirm, more distraught than ever. “So Harry–––Jimmy talks to me–––we recorded it this morning, but after you left I was watching it and it was a little blah, you know… I mean, I’m a great singer but I can’t put up all the act by myself as you are a bit rusty, so I called some friends…” My heart almost stops beating, and I begin to panic. What the hell did he do? Did he call Take That? Jimmy realises and snickers. “Don’t worry–––he says. They’ll make you look great! Maybe now she’ll consider you as a prospect…” My levels of pathos have reached new heights. I just want to curl up in a corner and die. “So–––Jimmy looks to the camera–––this is a song Harry and I recorded for Jeanne, with a little help of my friends. This is the Bee Gees’ ‘How Deep Is Your Love.’”

I knew it couldn’t be so simple. I knew Jimmy was setting me up. Him and Jeff both did… I was a fool to trust them. I don’t even want to glance at the screen where they’re playing our parody of the video. What is Jeanne thinking about this whole sham? She must pity me as never before… I hear the audio of Jimmy singing the falsetto and mine doing the harmony, and I just want to disappear from the face of this earth. Luckily the video is not too painful; black background and some colour torches, alternate foreground and panoramic views of us walking around. It was actually quite simple to film. All of a sudden, as the first chords of chorus begin to play, I remember the “friends”… I immediately recognise Liam’s voice and look up at the screen… My mind is blown, and I choke. One by one all of the boys sing a line in extreme close-up. The audience goes wild. My eyes start to burn, but I try to dissimulate, glancing down and pulling a fist to my mouth. I can’t believe it… When finally the hot tears stream down my face I feel a hand stroking my arm. I glimpse at Jeanne. She softly smiles and moves her fingers to reach my hand, giving me a reassuring squeeze. Please, don’t let go of me.

“So, how was it?” Jimmy exclaims, exhilarated, as soon as the video is over, and the audience roars. This is exactly the reception Jeff was looking for. The cameras are on us again, so Jeanne discreetly drops my hand. I just want to skip the rest and fast-forward to the moment I’ll get to be with her alone. “Liam said textually: ‘We had a serenade to deliver.’” I’m still shaking, but I can’t help but giggle foolishly when I remember that night in Paris. If only people knew… I notice Jeanne is giggling to herself too. I guess that circle is closed now. She had her serenade.

My heart pounds furiously as I replay the boys in my mind. I can’t believe what they did… I mean, we’ll always be like brothers, but I never expected to have them doing this when it’s obvious this night is also about re launching my career. And Louis… What the hell? I thought he hated me… I should never doubt them. They just want what’s best for me, whatever that is… Jeanne, a movie role. When I react someone’s handing Jeanne a massive bouquet of red roses. What the actual fuck? Is it from the show’s floor director? Jimmy invites me to the centre of the studio and I confusedly stand up. She gestures to speak to me.

“It’s almost over,” I tell her under my breath as I cover my microphone, lightly bending forward. I get the urge to throw my hands at hers to capture the free one. I don’t care if people are watching anymore. My fingertips slide through her palm and it tickles, and I bring her knuckles to my lips, her skin to my lips… Why can’t I get this feeling with anyone else? Skin is just skin… Why does she have to feel like this, and taste like warm milk and honey? Jeanne suddenly averts her eyes and my stomach churns. Something is going on. I know something is going on, but I have to follow Jimmy… I button my jacket and push my hair out of my face, shaking my head. I can’t stop smiling… This night might not turn out as bad as I originally feared. Maybe things will start to actually work from now on. Jeff asked me to bring the big guns to this lip synch battle. Probably my career depends on it. So after the mandatory explanations I stand alone in the middle of the stage. My moment to show the world what I’ve been holding back has arrived. “This is a song by Their Satanic Majesties–––I claim, half shutting my eyes–––The Rolling Stones, and it’s called ‘She’s So Cold.’”

–.–.–

“It’s not fair! He licked the microphone and brushed his crotch! I’m so going to lose at this, again,” Jimmy complained, but his impression of Bruce Springsteen in ‘Dancing In The Dark’ was a total spot-on, especially when he invited Jeanne to dance with him as Springsteen and Courteney Cox do in the video. It was just a moment, but she managed to surprise me all over again. Of course I have my Mick Jagger mastered after all these years. It’s like my main number, so the audience’s reaction was insane. I hope he doesn’t get offended. I’m sure he knows how much I admire him, but the show is the show. People haven’t been telling me all my life I resemble him for nothing.

Most people will think I was taking off the gauntlet with my next impression, but those times are long gone. When I announced I was going to lip synch ‘Style,’ Jimmy dropped to the floor and the audience went absolutely crazy. Yes, it was bold, but I’m sure Taylor will get it the right way. She’s an amazing artist, and she has grown so much over these past few years. Even after ‘Perfect’ the public don’t really know what happened between us, as I never stated my side of the story. A gentleman never tells. People can think whatever they want. Experience has taught me controversy is always good publicity, so what can I say? It was pretty mad, and the audience exploded every time I shook my hips in her fashion, even more than with Jagger.

So when Jeff left just a moment ago to meet some producers, he was ecstatic. He told me not to worry about Twitter’s response and the media, as he was going to be checking at least three devices. I couldn’t care less. I just want to see Jeanne. She’s changing her clothes in a dressing room and I’m waiting for her in the VIP area. We’ll get a hire car to Madison Square Garden, but her publicist, Charlotte, is not coming with us. She’s somewhere with Nancy and Jeanne’s roses. She’s nice though. I had met her before, but I never imagined she would work for Jeanne one day, and become her friend. Everybody in Hollywood calls her Char, but Jeanne calls her Lotte and, of course, now she prefers Lotte.

So I’m staring at the corridor as a desperate fool… What happened during the interview? What was all that? Things are a bit blurry in my mind because of the stress and the exhaustion, but I try to bring the exact words back… Too bad you didn't love him… Jeanne appears in the distance wearing a black, dangerously short, skin-tight dress and high heels, tuxedo jacket and a clutch bag, and my whole self goes weak… She looks absolutely ravishing with her crimson lips and her hair a bit more wavy than usual. Her eyes lock with mine, and she smiles in a way that makes me melt. For a fraction of a second it feels like we are the only living persons in the world. Who said I didn’t?

“So long, H.” A pat on my back makes me jump. I turn around and can’t do other than grit my teeth…

“What are you doing here?” I mutter, as I feel a surge of heat rising from my feet. For fuck’s sake… What the bloody hell?

“I’m in town for work, so I thought I should stop by and say hello,” Louis states, flashing me his signature snicker. Does Jeanne know he’s here? I automatically glance back at her. “Well, I guess we could say she puts on a leggy display…” He claims in his cheekiest tone, and I could kill him.

–.–.–

Notes

OK, bye.