Dreaming Of You // If I'm Still Dreaming

Two days later I was walking compulsively throughout the room when I received the call I was expecting, right after her last update.

“Have you read it?–––Louis blurted out, but I couldn’t get his tone. Me, with Gemma?”

“I have–––I mumbled. And I’m so mad at her…” My sister and my best mate? I had never seen it before, so she surely was breaking some sort of freaking taboo there.

“Well, don’t be. She’s bold,” Louis retorted, lightly chuckling. He seemed just OK with it. I automatically thought about Eleanor, but he didn’t mention her, so I let it go. “By the way, I’ve been told ‘lemma’ is also a linguistic concept, a lexicographic term, to be accurate…”

“I don’t know what ‘lexicographic’ means…” I muttered. But it definitely sounded as a college matter.

“Me neither…” Louis grumbled. What a pair of ignorant guys.

“Did you change your mind about her?” I shyly asked, frightened about his answer.

“Are you mad?–––he snapped and cackled. She’s just challenging everything. I like her better now, actually.” Yeah, as if that was even possible.

I hung up a bit more relaxed on the subject. It was fiction anyway… I was clearly overreacting. There was no need to make such big fuss about it. It surely wasn’t the end of the world as I confirmed very soon. But then I got that other call I had begun to hope for.

“Did you read it?” Stan’s voice snapped.

“I did,” I grumbled. It was still about the update.

“I’m on her story! I can’t believe it!–––he shouted. I could die right now! She knows I exist!” Stan was utterly ecstatic. I laughed, feeling bad about myself. I was being so selfish, and he was right. He was at Niall and Zayn’s party on ‘Bizarre Love Triangle.’ If she only knew the feels she was giving him.

“I’m mentally toasting with you to that, mate,” I mumbled. They were all so flustered by DreamingOfYou… But why, if they knew she was mine? I couldn’t be angry with Stan though. He had shown to be a supportive friend and was the true mastermind behind our research and not Louis, as much as he wanted to believe so.

“Harry, I’m getting nearer, I know it–––Stan asserted. I’ve been talking to some girls but as we feared DreamingOfYou is quite reticent to speak about herself while others even use their real names on their stories… That’s life. You picked the complex one–––he sighed. It has to mean something, but I’m sure she told someone and I’ll find that someone…” He spoke reassuringly. I was hoping for that.

“Stan, I’ll never be able to repay you all the trouble you are taking with this…” I muttered, quite ashamed for my possessive attitude towards her.

“Just continue to look after my mate while I’m not around and that will be enough for me,” he said.

“Man, we are becoming older and far too emotional…” I mumbled, moved.

“I know, mate, I know,” he chuckled.

But as much as I wanted to believe I was keeping my part of that promise properly I was just doing the opposite. Our break from tour quickly ended and soon we were back on the road. Our first stop was Dublin and for a few days everything seemed quite right. Niall was absolutely ecstatic about it. In Ireland he’s sort of a national hero, and nobody deserved it as he does. There’s no words to describe the amazing person he is. And he’d been so engrossed in our mission he started to feel bad when we got no progress. We all knew it won’t be easy or straightaway, but we were gutted.

But we became even more gutted when the ‘Peruvian pot’ incident blasted… And then we were beyond trouble, punches falling from every angle and with a show to put a few hours ahead… We felt as if we were The Rolling Stones because that was certainly not boy band’s matter… There was nothing else on our minds for a couple of days so we practically forgot about DreamingOfYou. Well, them, not me. How could I?

In a blink of an eye everything became jeopardised: The next shows, the tour, the new album, our future projects. We faced the abyss and even if we didn’t want to be angry with Zayn and Louis we did, because they were pretty much angry with themselves. It was strange though. I guess we love one another as brothers and as brothers we are mad at each other, so shows and daily routine seemed to continue to work and for the first days it was just enough. Manchester soon arrived and I surrounded myself with family and friends to forget about everything.

Deep down our hearts we felt pretty confident about the love of the fans. It wasn’t a matter to overlook but to forgive us, because even if we were not all directly involved we work as a team. We all are responsible for everyone’s attitude.

‘Show must go on,’ they say, and that’s what we did, but it was impossible not to alienate anybody else. It was a mad week for me with the interview with Scott Mills and the ‘I have a secret’ affair, the articles about my angriness on the press and Matty’s photo on Twitter. I knew I was bringing Larry back and increasing speculation about my sexuality, amplifying rumours about a secret girlfriend, even feeding conspiracy theories about how management use us to divert attention from important stuff. Sure I acted pretty random but all I wanted was to return to our previous being with no other worry than finding DreamingOfYou. Liam was out of control reading everything in the media and tweeting non-stop although the rest of us were banned to address the issue because of the precaution towards migratory authorities in the US. We knew we were failing the fans by not saying a word, but pressure was just too much. A cancelation of the US tour would cost us a fortune.

Stan called me practically every day although any new clue came to our hands. I was starting to contemplate the possibility to tell her everything just to be able to meet her, but I didn’t even know where she was standing amongst the madness. By her writing I knew she was non-judgemental about drugs, but this wasn’t just fiction. I was afraid of her reaction, but for a fact I needed to know her mind. So then came those messages one afternoon she was obviously online.

ILoveTommoBear: DreamingOfYou, Mad times, isn’t it? I feel so ashamed of Louis. I know a joint is not too much but indiscretion is his trending mark. May I ask you what your thoughts are on the matter? Hope you are fine xo.

DreamingOfYou: ILoveTommoBear, Don’t feel disappointed. He’s just being himself and no one can judge him on that. Nobody is forced to like him. Did he do something unexpected? Well, that’s more of our problem then. It’s not that we didn’t know the boys were human. Sure it was a bit harsh to see them on camera but, hey, everyone’s attention fixes on the negative. No one seemed to notice Louis’ sentence with the N-word was actually a trochaic triameter with alliteration. That’s high poetry!

As I read my jaw dropped. I sighed released because she seemed OK with the incident, but what was she talking about? Her perspective was so beyond the facts. How could she turn things around and, mainly, notice something so unearthly as a trochaic triameter amid the chaos? Seriously, who was she?

ILoveTommoBear: You definitely amaze me. What’s a ‘trochaic triameter with alliteration’?

DreamingOfYou: Something English people seem to master without even realising it! It’s a verse with three accents on the first, third and fifth syllables. Alliteration is an inner rhyme. On this case, ‘green’ and the N-word. Am I sounding ironic? Because I’m not! Everybody is horrified but he did it for the structure. Furthermore, I’m convinced structure forced him to say it. That’s what happens when you sense poetry. Look at him… I’m sure he does. He’s a songwriter after all. I admit in this world nobody gives a damn about trochaic triameters but I truly appreciate them. Sigh. ‘I guess I just wasn’t made for these times.’

It became pretty obvious she wasn’t a teenager and she was studying Literature as Louis had well predicted. Sometimes simple answers aren’t the easiest because we seem to be always trying to make a mountain from a hill. DreamingOfYou surely was something else… And I couldn’t be more pleased and relieved by her attitude. I wished everyone could be just like her, clever, carefree but compassionate. And her sense of humour… God, I loved it. And she quoted The Beach Boys by the end. I tried to put my feelings into words but I wasn’t as half as good with them as she was.

ILoveTommoBear: I didn’t know they existed but now I greatly care about trochaic triameters. Thank you. Somehow I feel better about the whole episode after your unique perspective–––without acrimony. I’m a bit astonished because you seem to have a far particular way to perceive things around.

DreamingOfYou: Thank you but it’s no big deal. I’m just making the most of many years of useless study…

ILoveTommoBear: So you do study Literature…

DreamingOfYou: Yes, that’s me… Bookish girl.

There was my confirmation. She was a Literature student. How could she be interested in someone like me then? Yes, I have the looks but would she still like me if she actually knew me? She seemed quite aware of who I was although it was evident by her writing she gave me some sort of credit.

ILoveTommoBear: I think it’s great.

DreamingOfYou: Pretty cool way to alienate guys you are not interested into.

I didn’t understand how could she possibly think something as ‘trochaic triameter with alliteration’ would push someone away when I found it utterly sexy… But she was the expert… The farther away guys were from her the better.

ILoveTommoBear: Fair enough. Alienate as many as you can.

DreamingOfYou: Are you worried about the future of One Direction?

That question out of the blue made me stop dead. How could she sense my nervousness towards the future? Because she did, she just did. She knew ILoveTommoBear was in distress. If she only knew who she was really talking to.

ILoveTommoBear: I actually am.

DreamingOfYou: I think they love each other but perhaps they’re beginning to face the end. Probably they are on the verge of not being on the same page anymore. On Louis’ reckless attitude I sense something of Thanatos, a hint of death drive. Maybe he’s a bit depressed or in an uncomfortable position. That doesn’t mean he’s trying to destroy One Direction. On the contrary, I think he cares too much. Perhaps he’s not even conscious about how he’s feeling. I hope he’s fine because I really, really like him. Don’t worry. They’ll find the way to be OK.

As I finished to read her message I noticed a single tear was streaming down my face. I was tired… I was so tired of all the drama and dealing with everyone’s interests, but I was also worried. She was able to read it with such clarity and truly seemed to care about Louis. Her words terrified me, especially ‘death drive.’ I knew it was not on the literal sense but it gave me the creeps, though what she said also moved me. Somehow my frustration towards Louis disappeared and I became plain jealous. She was thinking about him so much but I shall never tell him.

ILoveTommoBear: How could you have all this feelings just from a trochaic triameter?

Jokes always seemed to be my better ally.

DreamingOfYou: Poetry is a sort of therapy… Pure ego :) Don’t be sad thinking about what will happen and enjoy what’s left of the ride. Are you seeing the boys now they’re heading for London?

‘Don’t be sad thinking about what will happen and enjoy what’s left of the ride’… My eyes widened as I read such words of wisdom. It was so simple… We tend to get so attached we loose all the sense of enjoyment on what we’re doing. Things become so serious so soon fear finally binds us. God, who was she? I had to find her. She seemed to be so close to telling me I got anxious.

ILoveTommoBear: I couldn’t get tickets on time so I guess I’m seeing them elsewhere in Europe. I have to figure out where pretty soon. And you? Do you know if you’ll be able to see them?

DreamingOfYou: Probably in Philadelphia.

What? My jaw dropped. Was that her way to tell me she was American? We could be facing the end but we definitely needed an urgent meeting.

–.–.–

Notes

Pretty mad desicion to put a lot of reality into this Fan Fiction but it's already done. It all happened when I was working on this chapter and I felt impelled to deal with it. Remember, this is fiction and just an interpretation of the facts we all know. If you don't like it, just pass it by. Don't hate it. DreamingOfYou is just trying to make ILoveTommoBear feel better.

So, plenty of DreamingOfYou in this chapter. Are you getting to know her a bit? Much more is coming anyway. She's so near I'm starting to freak out. Stay around because it is happening when you less expect it. Till then, madness, and then more madness.

I want to thank every single one of you for sharing your precious time with me. It means the world. I hope more will join the boat. If this don't get too bad next update will be very soon (probably tomorrow).

I've been reading your suggestions. Keep them coming! xo

Be curious!