Dreaming Of You // If I'm Still Dreaming

Jeanne’s POV

“What exactly are you cooking?” Cora asks as I push my hair away from my face with the back of my hand.

“Polpette al sugo,” I tell her, trying to remain focused on the conversation while I grab a portion of ground meat and rub it between my palms. It’s not an easy task having to hold the phone with my shoulder. The speaker is not an option, as I want to keep this private.

“But that’s your happy meal…” She complains.

“So?” I stop dead, drooping the meatball on the wooden chopping board and propping myself on the kitchen counter.

“Beef ‘polpette’?” She ponders, as if she were trying to solve a great mystery.

“Yes.”

“Hmm. They say you crave beef when you are angry–––she ventures to say. It could be an explanation…”

“What are you talking about, Cora?” This time she has me absolutely disconcerted.

“You are making your happy meal when you are clearly upset about what Harry told you, but as you are angry then you crave beef…” She reasons. Her logic astounds me. Of course her entire train of thought would have something to do with him. She’s like a Rottweiler. Once she bites something she just can’t let go of it. This is why she’s so good at her position of senior publisher. “I say that, even if it seems contradictory, it could make sense…” She thinks she’s so clever.

“Well, perhaps I’m making ‘polpette' because it’s the only real meal Lara eats besides pasta…–––I assert, smiling broadly and returning to my labour. And I’m not upset about what he told me. In fact I’m gladly surprised…” I shrug as I adjust the phone with the tips of my fingers.

“I don’t get you–––Cora says. You are weird.”

“You have been telling me this for years–––I retort, trying not to sound too sarcastic. I don’t expect you to understand me.” Because I admit it might sound strange, especially to a person who knows the entire story.

“But you are in love with the guy,” she states and I can’t help but drop the meat, a shiver running up and down my spine. “How could you be OK with being friends?”

“I’m not in love with him.” I wipe my forehead. These words are so difficult to say, but things are so different now.

“Of course you aren’t–––she observes ironically. I mean, he even kissed another woman in front of you. How could you love him?” She’s such a teaser.

“It’s not about that…–––I mutter, as I plunge my fingers on the mixture. He can kiss whomever he wants. He’s young, attractive and uncommitted. And he looks pretty good while doing it…” I grin, slightly shaking my head as the image returns to my mind. It was a bit of a shock, but nothing truly unexpected. And he’s so beautiful… I don’t know. I expect girls fainting at the cinema by the end of the film.

“He’d look pretty good at anything, darling, even Graeco-Roman wrestling–––Cora rambles–––which is the closest I can picture him to homo-erotic activities without you murdering me…” I chuckle. This middle-aged, professional shocker…

“I have beef all over my hands, Cora–––I state, smirking. Otherwise I would hang up on you. Be sure of it.” I gesture down with my finger.

“Oh, you know I shipped Larry until I met you…–––she messes with me and I shake my head. Don’t roll your eyes at me, missy; not as real, of course…” She clarifies herself.

“You are too old for this, Cora–––I laugh, bending over. And if you care so much, then let me set you a date with Louis. You two shared a spark at one of my dinner parties; I know that…” I raise my eyebrows, talking playfully.

“A date with Louis?–––she asks as stunned. But he’s in love with you…” At her words an involuntary sigh escapes my lips.

“He’s not–––I claim after a second, coming to clean my hands over the sink. We are friends.”

“Of course you are friends, though he’s in love with you–––she observes thoughtfully. So don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about and don’t treat me as if I were crazy. But I get it… It’s platonic–––she asserts, giggling a bit. I know you… One day in ten years you’ll finally admit you shipped Larry too… You even fucked a guy called Larry!” I can’t help but cackle, holding the phone in my hand on time to prevent it from falling. That was a coincidence.

“Cora, I’m being serious; just drop it–––I try to recompose myself and sound earnest. We can’t have this conversation… We are grown-up women.” I hear her laughter at the other end of the call.

“I’m sorry, dear–––she speaks after a moment. I’m being a bit insensitive. So, back to the other half of Larry…” I roll my eyes. She’s so over the top. “You say you are not upset and he can kiss whomever he wants, but you want him badly. So, what will you do?”

“It’s not like I have a plan, Cora–––I explain, moving to the end of the counter. When Harry and I met things were different and due to the circumstances it was a bit rushed… Sometimes I even doubt we really knew each other back then…”

“You are too demanding, darling–––she practically cuts me off. Of course you knew each other, and very intimately. What happened was real, Jeanne, and not a dream, even if you insist to see it that way…” I shake my head, grabbing the jar of flour from the cupboard. “You loved him and you left him,” she carries on. I did. I know I did. Sometimes I just try to convince myself that it wasn’t that important. “You came up with a plan B for your sentimental life because you weren’t able to love anybody else, not even that delicious man you found to be Lara’s father… You can’t deny how affected you were the other day after you met him, so don’t put up an act for me.” I glance down, leaving the flour by my side. “You might want to take things slowly because he’s still young and you have a daughter, but you have undeniable feelings towards him, and it’s only a matter of time for you to fall in love with him again…” Her words hit me hard. “And he admitted you affect him the same way as before, and he could be all single and carefree, but he’ll be there soon enough too, and you know it–––she continues scolding me. He stalked you down the beach all week.”

“Not all week–––I joke, trying to skirt the issue, as I sprinkle another section of the counter with flour. He missed Saturday…”

“Because he must have been drunk, as it was his birthday.”

“Or maybe he was fucking someone, what would be absolutely fine by me,” I state, resting a hand on my chest over the apron. Well, he’s free to do whatever he wants. I have been doing the same; not since I met him but until a few weeks ago…

“You know he didn’t shag anybody, Jeanne–––Cora interrupts my thoughts. You jumped onto him and kissed the corner of his mouth to be sure he wouldn’t…” I just can’t believe her audacity.

“No, I didn’t–––I claim. It was an accident!” I even managed not to kiss him fully on the lips. Because a kiss is exactly what we need…

“Yeah, a very lucky accident…” I shake my head, lightly rubbing my forehead. Perfect. Now I have flour all over my face.

“I tried to tell him the truth this morning, but when he told me about being friends I didn’t want to ruin it… I think we could be friends–––I say with Cora immersed in a deep silence. I want us to be friends… But I’m aware I lost my moment.” If only he weren’t so adorable and had learnt to listen instead of having this urge to explain himself all the time… “Now I don’t know how I will manage to tell him,” I carry on. Because I should… Nothing can happen between us if I don’t set the record straight. “Maybe I should call him and tell him right now, and get over it.”

“Are you mental, Jeanne?–––she lets out, startling me. Now? Over the phone? When you have a crucial meeting tomorrow? What if he gets mad and backs off from the film?–––she bombards me with questions. The studio would kill you… Don’t mess with that people.” She’s right. This morning during a friendly talk is a completely different thing than over the phone and out of the blue.

“This is so confusing…” I rub my eyes with my knuckles. He told me he’ll do the film under any circumstances, but this might be just too much.

“Did you already talk to Drew?”

“I did,” I speak as I approach the chopping board full of meatballs. I grab a pair and roll them along the counter, tapping them between my hands to remove the excess flour. “I wanted to explain the situation before the meeting… She was very supportive, and she’s determined to direct it.” Certainly I wasn’t taking it for granted, so I’m relieved by her attitude. I grew up watching Drew’s films… I can hardly believe she’ll do my story now. “Although I didn’t tell her about Harry and me. That’s a private matter,” I continue.

“Nothing is private in this world, Jeanne–––Cora claims in irony. They might never find out, but you know what will happen next. Being out as a former Fan Fiction writer, you’ll be labelled as a fangirl, and they’ll automatically assume you fancied Harry… Which is true…” She laughs.

“I don’t care what they think–––I retort as I keep rolling meatballs mechanically over the counter. The academic world knows about my thesis, my post-doctoral research and my articles, and it’s all that matters to me.” It didn’t stop Stanford from hiring me, but on the contrary. Unconventional is in fashion.

“You are in this boat now–––she scolds me–––and if you care about your literary career then you shouldn’t be so close-minded. You have to play the game… Are you ready for what’s coming then?”

“No, but I’ll make it look like I do,” I shrug and we both chuckle. She knows my ways.

“Are you doing Chanel?–––she asks casually. They really want you… You should do it. What did Charlotte say?” I’m so glad my publisher and my publicist are intimate friends. It makes everything so easy.

“That I should do it, and the interview with Harper’s Bazaar, as soon as possible–––I explain, finishing the last meatball. This lifestyle is so expensive, Cora… I’m not mentally prepared to spend so much money on things.” I made a bundle as I didn’t want to sell the rights, but after you earn the money it’s so difficult to throw it away…

“You are so French,” she ironises. As if!

“The English said…” They’re cheaper than us without a shadow of a doubt.

“Well, at least you won’t have to buy clothes anymore. As brand ambassador A.P.C. will be in charge of your wardrobe… and Chanel, if you say yes. Those are good things–––she cheers up, all enthusiastic. To promote ‘Venetian Blinds’ we used your mystery, darling, but people will want to know more about you, especially after the uproar, so you have to do it, also the writing for Vogue’s blogs… They pay very well and it comes easy for you.”

“Writing for Vogue might be good,” I say absentmindedly, as I dust my hands off. Cooking is so relaxing I couldn’t give up on it even not having too much free time. It’s important for Lara to learn to enjoy food. “But the interviews for the rest of the magazines… I don’t know if I should expose myself so much.”

“Jeanne, you were a nude art model,” she asserts, sounding a bit frustrated. I’m aware it could seem a bit paradoxical, and that she thinks I’m being stubborn, but I’m not.

“It’s not the same world, Cora–––I firmly claim, finishing to clean my hands. That was art, and this is entertainment… They don’t care about substances but about appearances; not about who you are but about who they think you are. If I expose who I am they’ll read it as they want to…”

“Yes, and you wrote a thesis about it. It’s not that the quest will claim your life…” Is she quoting ‘The Lord of the Rings’?

“Maybe not–––I speak reluctantly. But then you get to talk to Louis or Zayn and things don’t seem so harmless anymore–––I shrug. It’s not what I want for myself, and much less for Lara.” Her intimacy and well-being are my priorities.

“I’m sure you’ll manage, Jeanne,” she says reassuringly and I can’t help but raise my eyebrows. Her confidence may sound naïve, but she knows the entertainment business better than me. “You won’t let them affect you or your daughter. Just know what’s coming…”

“I know what’s coming–––I remark, annoyed, looking through the crystal door of the garden. The studio and the media will try to make it all about Harry and me.”

“And it is all about Harry and you,” Cora states. I shake my head, as I hear Lara calling for me from outside.

“Well, it shouldn’t be …” I won’t be reduced to my sentimental life.

–.–.–

Notes

A kiss is exactly what you need, Jeanne! Who else is with me? But we get it, things have changed a lot, and she has a daughter to take care of, and a life with responsibilities to get together. Everybody's career is going to be an issue in this story, because it matters in real life, so why not in Fan Fiction? So, they're friends now! It'll be interesting... Next Jeanne's POV will be the first time we'll get their interaction through her eyes. I bet we are all excited about that too.

A special thank you to all the people who voted in the last chapter. When I get this type of response, and your feedback, through comments and messages, you motivate me even more to try harder to bring the best story I can. I've met people from around the world because of this, and I'm very grateful to have you with me. Let's celebrate life, and justice, but let's not forget about the people who are struggling around the world, and losing their lives and the lives of their loved one. Thank you everyone for sharing your time with me. I couldn't ask for more clever, amazing, dedicated, generous readers. Love you all <3