Dreaming Of You // If I'm Still Dreaming

The next day I could tell something was going on with Eleanor. She seemed distant, both to Louis and to me. He was soon leaving to Barcelona while she was staying in England, but I could tell it didn’t have anything to do with that and felt guilty somehow.

“What’s happening, El?” I asked approaching her on the kitchen the last morning. She squirmed in her seat.

“Do you know Louis is sort of in love with that ‘A Season In Paris’ Fan Fiction?” She said after a brief pause looking at her cup, resting in front of her.

“Don't be mad at him. He's doing it for me...” I mumbled.

“I don't even exist there…” She muttered sounding wounded. I knew it wasn’t DreamingOfYou’s intention to make her feel bad.

“El, listen to yourself–––I blurted, trying to lighten her up. You are feeling jealous of a fantasy.” She suddenly glared at me but allowed me to carry on with my train of thought. “You exist in real life… You are his life. It is all that matters.”

“This is so confusing...” She said, pushing her cup back.

“You know they love him, the fans–––I observed. And he owes them so much. Are you not able to share him in fantasy? Fantasy is harmless…” I explained my point of view, but by her expression I wasn’t sure my arguments were working as expected.

“Harmless?–––she snapped. Do you really think Larry is harmless?”

“Because some of them believe in Larry it doesn't make it more real...”

“But don't you care what they believe?” She said. I never imagined my guilty pleasure could have those consequences and felt terrible.

“I don't,” I said, but she already knew that. “Everybody needs his dreaming, El. It's a human thing.” She shook her head as if I was mad.

“Even if it involves you and people you care about?” She exclaimed violently pointing at me with an accusatory finger.

“I can't judge people in their minds...” I said, shrugging.

“But what if it isn't in their minds anymore but on Twitter and Facebook or Tumblr–––she claimed. It's hurtful...”

“El, I know it's hard on you–––I tried to meditate with her. But it has to be easier for you to know what's real because real is you. Louis loves you, just you,” I said and her expression softened.

“And why is he so into this?” She asked crossing her arms over her chest.

“Because we all need a little dreaming–––I simply said, but I didn’t know what was on his mind. Dreaming is free...”

“But with dreams come responsibilities...” She observed, tapping her fingers on her elbows.

“No offense but after all he's been through with the fans for you do you really need to control everything still?” I snapped, not wanting to make her mad, but I needed to tell her she was losing it. “Wouldn't you allow him just a little harmless dreaming? He's not cheating on you in any way,” I pointed out, very confident of my words.

“Well, they say art is an escape of oneself, as dreaming, I think–––she mumbled, looking down. Why does he need to escape?”

“His life has changed so much and in such brief time, and it's so demanding, you know, with people judging your every move…–––I told her in a sympathetic tone. I bet sometimes you think things would be better if you had never met him...”

“It's true, but please, don't tell him that,” she said with her voice cracking at the end, glancing at me.

“Please, don’t be so hard on him–––I begged. He loves you. And we all love you and need you to be OK with one another. You are our alpha couple…” She laughed.

“Alpha couple?–––she asked, curious. Where does that come from?” Her arms felt to her sides.

“It’s just a concept DreamingOfYou wrote on one story–––I giggled–––but it makes a lot of sense. You are the couple we look up to. We look at you and we see what we want for us, what a couple has to be–––I explained. Caring as best friends, trusting as brother and sister, but in love as lovers have to be.” Eleanor giggled, bringing her hand to her mouth, and tilted her head, glancing from the side.

“May I tell you something, Harry?–––she said. Even though I told you this and I am a bit bewildered about all the matter, the other night I read her for a while and I have to admit personally I have nothing against her. In fact I quite like her…” She carried on. I understood El’s ambivalent attitude; it didn’t surprise me at all. It was also confusing for myself reading all those stories about me. “I like this particular one. I don’t know, she seems to get things, she’s clever, you know.” I smiled. I liked her words. It was thoughtful of El trying to look beyond. And I liked that somehow she liked DreamingOfYou. “There’s plenty of thinking about what life and love truly mean. I like her. Louis is right. She doesn’t sound as an average teenager. She goes to college, at least–––she asserted. I don’t know if she’s French but I won’t mind to meet her someday. I know he fancies her somehow…–––she mumbled, giggling. Maybe he’s transferring his own feelings on you because he knows she’s so into you… Argh. This is so strange!” She exclaimed, amused. I chuckled. “I have to learn to live with that. God, Harry. What am I saying?”

“You are saying you are human, El, and admitting Louis is human too–––I said, getting nearer to rest my hand on her shoulder. And do you know what? There’s nothing wrong with it as long as you don’t hurt one another. I have to deal with all the boys drooling over her too. Have you seen Niall and Zayn?” She giggled, nodding. “They’re way worst than Louis, I’m telling you...” I said poking her nose and holding her by the neck.

“Men!” She sighed.

“We are quite complex, you know...” I joked.

“Yeah, I know–––she grinned. And you five are far too complex for mere pop stars…”

“That’s so wrong!–––I exclaimed and she laughed, trying to escape my grip. Come here,” I said beginning to tickle her.

“Oi, mate, what are you doing?–––Louis snapped as he entered the kitchen. Back off!” He giggled, pulling from my arm to free Eleanor, who was cackling.

“Then you back off from my imaginary girlfriend!” I chuckled, wrestling with him.

“This is becoming quite surreal–––Eleanor claimed. We need to find this girl soon.”

–.–.–

I’ve been feeling quite emotional these days and I wasn’t able to write her a single word. I don’t understand why I’m paralysed, or perhaps I know the reason too well but I’m afraid to confess it to myself. Liam is right. Especially since Zayn confirmed she and I have crossed paths in London I became truly affected by the whole story, longing for a girl I don’t even remember but a girl I actually met, with whom I shared the same air once and the saddest words of all, ‘bye.’ She has become so real to me since I’ve been practically mourning on her loss as if she was an ex girlfriend I’m still in love with. But the fact she has stuck around this entire time deeply perturbs me. What is her story? Is her story written somewhere on her Fan Fictions…? Louis’ presence in the lounge takes me out from my meditations. I glance around to my belongings. Everything is set to leave. Louis looks at his watch and sits down in front of me.

“I told you the bookstore’s story was real, but you didn’t trust the Tommo,” he says snickering, glimpsing at my MacBook resting closed by my side.

“I know,” I mumble.

“Write to her and take everything she says to you as a fact–––he advises. I’m sure she’ll reveal her real identity to you soon.”

“I need to find her before she tells me who she is…” I mutter, not sure of what I’m saying and if I want to share it with anybody, even Louis. I glance down.

“Why?” He blurts. I raise my head slowly.

“Since the other day I’m not able to push away the feeling that I need to compensate Fate somehow… For letting her go…–––I speak, reluctant. I don't really get why I feel this, but I just do.”

“Harry, we’ll find her… And very soon–––he says moving to the edge of the sofa. For now, leave with your family and get some rest. I don’t tell you to disconnect because I know you won’t, but try your best. Write her only if you feel like doing it. I’ll find her for you anyway, I assure you. Soon we’ll be facing an extremely hard month…”

“What do you think, Louis? Am I mad?” I ask him, concerned.

“You are not mad, Harry…–––he asserts. And about her, well, you already know what I think. She’s French and older and she’s waiting for you somehow…” He chuckles.

“How can you be this sure?” I say resting my hands on my hips.

“I wrecked it, I fix it…–––he says with a broad smile on his face, gesturing with his hand to the sides. I promise you something, Harry–––he speaks solemnly. We’ll know who she is before our first show in Paris, 20th June. I’m certain about it. This I promise you.” My jaw trembles a bit and I try to dissimulate turning away. Then I hear a ring. Louis lifts his finger. We know it’s for me.

“All right,” I say standing up and grabbing my laptop. “I’m sorry about Eleanor…” I say as I begin to walk towards the door, Louis by my side.

“Nah, forget it–––he snaps. She has been quite sensitive lately about graduating and everything. I think she needs for us to take our relationship a step further.” He places his arm around my shoulder.

“And will you?” I ask, pleased about the idea, but also surprised.

“I don’t know yet. It’s a life-changing decision; but whatever happens you’ll be the first to know–––he grins, tapping my back. Remember, 20th June,” he says, raising his finger to me. I laugh and he chuckles quietly. I’m so thankful I look him in the eye, grimacing, lost for words. “Now leave before I start to cry.”

–.–.–

ILoveTommoBear: DreamingOfYou, How have you been? I had a few days off and came to stay with my family. I’ve been missing them like mad. How’s everything? I suspect ‘A Season In Paris’ is about to end. Is this why you’ve been taking things slowly with ‘Bizarre Love Triangle’? By the way, I love the song. Kisses.

I had her in front of me… I can’t digest it. I simply can’t. I’m obsessing over it since Zayn told me it really happened. I don’t remember anything about it. As I finally write to her everything comes back stronger than before.

Ever since I started to communicate with her I’m paying far more attention to her writing, to every detail. I know Stan, Louis and Niall are literally checking every fact they cross, so I concentrate on the plots, trying to learn about her. She has put ‘Bizarre Love Triangle’ on a hiatus. I was enjoying it very much even though I haven’t read a single book she mentions. I know they’re not there casually. They have something to do with the core of the story and what will happen. But that book from Proust guy… Seven volumes. How has she read all this? She surely studies Literature. There’s no way you could read it if you don’t have to. I see I have a new alert. I hope she’s online.

DreamingOfYou: ILoveTommoBear, I’m so glad to hear from you again! I feared you had banished me after our last chat. You are right. I’m trying to concentrate my energies to finish ‘A Season In Paris’ properly. I had so much fun writing it I’m sort of sad now that it’s ending. Sigh. Staying with your family sounds just perfect. I hope you enjoy your time with them. Well, I see we like the same music beyond One Direction. It makes me happy. I love the song and the cover by Frente! Have you listened to it? If you haven’t, run to play it! Tschüss xo.

She is online! Is she on the same time zone as I? I go to iTunes Store and buy the song. I didn’t know Frente! I love the voice of the singer. She sounds very sweet. I don’t know why I imagine it resembles DreamingOfYou’s.

ILoveTommoBear: DreamingOfYou, I hadn’t heard it before and just loved it. What are you listening right now beside One Direction? I already know you are into The 1975. I’m sure I am…

I’m curious about this particular matter. She seems a lot into the 90’s. God, it’s so good just to talk to her…

DreamingOfYou: ILoveTommoBear, I knew them before ‘What makes you beautiful’ cover but I loved it. They’re great artists and super handsome. I sorta crush on George…

What? George, the drummer? I guess he’s cute, but how could she have a crush on him? Why does it bother me this much? Fuck, I’m trembling. She’s supposed to like me…

ILoveTommoBear: DreamingOfYou, Oh, well, that was unexpected. I thought it was Harry who drives you insane…

DreamingOfYou: ILoveTommoBear, Hmmm, you have quite a memory there. Well, it’s just a little, tiny crush. I don’t think Harry would mind… When it comes to music I’m pretty eclectic. I’ve been listening to The Flaming Lips a lot lately. I particularly love ‘When you smile.’ What a great song. Well, darling, I have to leave you or I’ll never update my stories. I’ve been so busy lately… Tschüss xo.

I sounded way over the top. I better take control of myself before she realises there’s something wrong about ILoveTommoBear. I don’t know this song she mentions, so I start to look for it. She knows a lot of rare music. I see she has written me again…

DreamingOfYou: ILoveTommoBear, Oh, I’m warning you. I’m sort of dropping a bomb soon on ‘Bizarre Love Triangle.’ It involves Louis. I hope you don’t hate me. Well, I don’t know why I tell you this. You’ll probably tell me what you think anyway. Well, or maybe just don’t and quit writing me. I’m sorry if you don’t like it. I’ll understand. But it just came up. I promise you, it came up alone. I hope you don’t hate me. I care about you. We’ll get through this, OK? Tschüss, darling xo.

I wonder what could that be… Now I’m starting to feel nervous about it. Everyone is reading ‘Bizarre Love Triangle,’ even Eleanor... I only hope she doesn’t make him gay. He’ll be crushed. Maybe he’ll hate her and won’t help me anymore. Do I have to tell her something or do I have to trust her?

ILoveTommoBear: DreamingOfYou, Hmmm, I fear as I read you but I trust your judgement. So I’ll wait until I actually read it. But I’m sure I’ll be OK with it. Hope you are fine. Kisses.

Oh, God. I hope it isn’t too big. He’ll be devastated. I think El is right and he has some sort of crush on her, although I hate the idea. Do I have to tell him something is coming or I better let him realise by himself? I find ‘When You Smile’ on iTunes and buy it too. I’m still shaking. I don’t know how it could be speaking to her in person… God, I love this song. How does she know these wonderful songs?

It’s like I never had to see it in your eyes or feel it
I could tell when you smile.
It’s like I didn't need to say anything or do much
I could tell when you smile.
All of the subatomic pieces come together
And unfold themselves in a second.
Every single molecule is right
When all of the subatomic pieces come together
And unfold themselves in a second.

I need to find her so badly…

–.–.–

Notes

What's life without a bit of drama? Remember, less than ten chapters left for Harry and DreamingOfYou's reunion. Meanwhile, if you are looking for some Fan Fictions to read, I recommend you this:

The always delightful Big Hot Mess.

And this gem I devoured a few days ago, Study of Life and Love.

I'm always looking for new reading so, does anybody has a suggestion to make? I had an idea for us to share stories we like and impressions about reading. I'm telling you on my next update. Salut!