Harry’s POV

I know I'm staring but I just can’t help myself. She has been ignoring me during the whole meeting, but it wouldn’t be Jeanne if she didn’t do so. Her hair is far shorter, right above the shoulder. Somehow it makes her appear more serious than four years ago, though she keeps rolling it and rolling it sensuously from side to side. God, she looks exactly the same, maybe even more sophisticated than before, and as much as mesmerising. I’ve caught Jeff staring at her more than I’m able to bear, but I can’t even blame him. I think some things will never change… How could they change, with her wrapped dress fitting her like a glove, and the lapel plunging into her chest? The way she crosses and uncrosses her legs is driving me mad… I have only seen her once wearing high heels before, at the Opera. They make her ankles seem even more delicate, those ankles I’ve kissed profusely… I squirm in my seat. Peep-toe shoes are so freaking sexy they should be forbidden. Fuck… How the hell can she be hotter than ever? I shouldn’t be having these kinds of thoughts but it’s more powerful than my will.

Two hours ago my life was completely different. I was a mess, yes, but a Jeanne-free mess… I giggle. Who am I trying to fool? I might have stopped to voluntarily dream of her more than two years ago, when the band split up, but I haven’t ever really freed myself of her, as she kept returning to my dreams from time to time. When everything happened it wasn’t easy for me to let her go. I managed my urge to reach her not because of her rejection or the fact that she was at the other end of the world, but mainly because through yoga and meditation I learnt to have lucid dreams of her. In those dreams I was conscious of being dreaming, and almost able to control everything. It was like playing a film with her in my mind, and somehow for two years it helped me to remain sane. But how many times have I dreamt or wished to be able to see her again since then? Probably hundreds… Now it happened, and I feel as anxious as I was right before seeing her for the last time. How can she appear again so suddenly and in the most unexpected way? How does she have the power to turn my world upside down? How come she has a daughter?

Moving in my seat I manage to take my wallet from my back pocket. Why am I still stuck with tight jeans? I go through some personal cards and random stuff. I’ve changed wallets a few times but what I’m looking for has to be somewhere because I know I took the job to switch it from one to the other every time. My soul narrows as I find the worn-out piece of paper and open it, discreetly glimpsing at Jeanne.

I’m late.

I stare at the paper, only fixed on those words from the note she left for me the time we went to Sainte-Mesme together, and it’s as if a bolt strikes me… A shiver runs down my spine, as I relive the exact feeling I had when I read it for the first time. I wanted to be me… I suddenly get this urge to cry and ask her why, but I need to fight it. I cover my eyes with my hand, bending down a bit. I have to control myself as I’m in public and I have no right to explanations. But I can’t even look at her right now… It was my dream, and she gave it to another man… Since I lost it I’ve been wandering without a plan, afraid of everything… No. I straighten up. I can’t blame it on her… It would be unfair. She didn’t do it against me. She can do whatever she wants with her life. I’m not the measure or the centre of everything.

I clear my throat discreetly, returning from my little outburst, and notice Jeff glimpsing at me with a disconcerted gaze. I quickly glance at Jeanne, but she’s looking away, seeming quite relaxed. I know that part of my current situation is a consequence of holding myself back. Contrary to what Liam and Niall did, I hadn’t gone solo. Expectations were too high back then, and I didn’t know if I could make it work at the same level on my own. I thought acting could be a good change, but also a way to buy time to figure out my mind. I immediately got offered many main roles but none of them seemed right so I didn’t take the chance. Instead I concentrated on my acting training, and made some guest appearances on TV and minor things. Songwriting has been my only constant, and I like it because it doesn’t require public exposure.

I’m aware some people think I’m worn-out, still famous but as a sort of fetish, more because of who I am than because of what I do. Marketing surveys requested by my management say a huge portion of the fans has lost interest in me. I lazily hear Jeff discussing with Drew and Nancy how this film could re launch my image on wider audiences, even people who weren’t fans by the time of One Direction. I can’t help but chuckle, looking straight to my lap. As if that were even possible… Is it because of this why Jeanne suggested me for the role? Because she feels sorry for me? Because she thinks I’m a failure? God, I sound so bitter. If I want a career beside songwriting I have to start somewhere, and soon. Maybe it’s just like she said. The first time she wrote this she did it because of me, because I inspired her… Maybe I shouldn’t ask for more. To be able to inspire a woman like Jeanne has to be enough for me.

Jeanne is an ace sorting rocky situations. She managed Drew’s interrogatory quite smoothly, and without telling a single lie, though I know she can lie if necessary. She just passed Lara to her most intimidating German governess, casually grabbed Drew by the arm and explained how her mother used to be my art consultant. Of course she left the actual nature of our relationship away. I wonder if she’s aware of the ambiance she’s got herself into. How would she manage if people get to learn the secret behind her novel and the fact that we were lovers once? I bet not even her publisher knows ‘Venetian Blinds’ was once a Fan Fiction about me. Maybe I should read it. She managed to make it big without involving me, and it says a lot about her. In fact she’s probably taking a huge risk bringing me as her main character, as I’m sure her readers are not very fond of my persona. By her remarks during the meeting she does seem aware of the fact but she doesn’t even bother. Well, I’ll give her credit. It’s all about her fans now. Drew talks about a press release to inform that I have been cast for the film. So this is happening, Harry. Go with the flow… Even if you don’t believe in fate anymore, this is too meant to be to let it pass.

And then there’s Jeanne… As the meeting is dismissed I can’t help but throw myself to her. I’ll get a copy of her book and read it tonight. I had plans, but who cares? This is Jeanne in front of me, after all this time. She looks at me as she grabs her bag and I can’t control myself and just stare, a tingling sensation swarming me up from my feet. She stops on her tracks, flicking her hair back and smirking at me devilishly. She wanted me. She asked to have me in her film… I have to say something.

“What do you think of LA so far?” Well, that’s not what I want to know, but at least it’s a start.

“It looks good on camera…” She remarks and we both giggle. God, I had forgotten her ironic self. LA must be a bit weird for her. Some people approach us to say goodbye but to me there’s nobody else in the room. We begin to walk towards the door.

“How long have you been here?” I know she’s not fond of interrogations, but I’ll give it a go.

“I just moved in from San Francisco–––she explains glancing around, obviously looking for her daughter outside the office. I have been teaching at Stanford’s creative writing’s program since last summer, as a visiting lecturer…” Did she make it to Stanford? It was her dream… And it means she has been in California for more than half a year. “I’ll have to be there every once in a while.”

“Where do you live?” Getting there smoothly.

“They got me a house in West LA–––she points back at Drew’s office. Pelham Avenue.” Zero bohemian vibe… I almost can’t picture her living there. But focus, Harry. I push my hands to my back as we arrive to the lift.

“Are you by yourself?” I try to sound casual, but my heart races inside my chest. Come on, Harry. She has a daughter. A partner is understood. Drop your stupid hopes before you make a fool out of yourself for the thousandth time.

“Lara has been with me all the time, and Miss Meier…” She speaks eerily, glimpsing away. I know her when she avoids topics. This is my moment.

“I was wondering about the father,” I assert imposingly, slightly bending towards her.

“Lara’s father is in London,” she startles me. London? Is he British? I scrunch my face a little. And ‘Lara’s father’? Not ‘my husband,’ ‘my partner’ or ‘my boyfriend’? We step inside the lift. I shake my head. It can’t be true…

“Is he OK with you being here without him?” I lean a bit, looking straight into her eyes. She’s not flinching but she doesn’t seem comfortable speaking about this with me. I wonder why.

“Well, he doesn’t have much choice,” she shrugs, speaking in her blither tone. A sudden shudder moves me. Does this mean they’re not together…? God, I knew it. Then maybe I wasn’t daydreaming earlier on when I thought we were looking at each other as if we were about to kiss…

“May I have your number–––I ask cheekily, bending even closer due to the new disposition of my soul–––as we are working together?”

“You may–––Jeanne claims, holding her hand out to me. But not drunk messages this time…” When I’m about to hand her my phone I stop dead, as I realise what she’s talking about. Philadelphia… Fuck, the feels. She’s not even pretending nothing happened between us. God, she’s truly something else…

“How do you know I was drunk when I sent them?” I can’t refrain a grin as I finish my motion. She starts to type her number down.

“You tasted like vodka.” At her statement my stomach churns, and I go wild at the memories, though I try not to show. Why is she doing this to me? The ding of the lift brings me back to reality. She hands me back my phone and glances away, making a gesture of surprise. I glimpse in the direction she’s looking at and see her governess standing next to the main entrance with Lara in her arms. Jeanne waves at her and literally shines. I thought I had seen her shinning but never as bright as she does when she’s looking at her daughter. I’m shaking. I have to move fast.

“It’s my birthday on Friday,” I tell her quietly as we approach them. I don’t enjoy the severe glance the governess is flashing at me. “We are going out. Maybe you’d like to join us.”

“I can’t–––she says, glimpsing at me. I have a daughter to take care of…” She tries to be serious.

“But why did you hire Miss Rottenmeier for then?” I joke and she cracks up, stopping on her spot. I think she knows ‘Heidi.’ “You told me once you were a disco animal…”

“Life has changed so much–––she faces me. And I have plenty of work to do.” I know, the screenplay.

“Just one drink?” I gesture with my finger, acting all innocent. Jeanne tilts her head. “It’s my twenty-fifth birthday…”

“Maybe…” She says softly. My mind flutters.

“I’ll send you the details,” I say, fixed on her eyes as I move my hand to reach her.

“I have to go,” she mutters, quickly turning around and walking up to her daughter.

“I’ll see you then…” I mutter to myself as I watch her holding Lara and rubbing her nose on her cheek. I still can’t believe she has a daughter… They are so adorable I notice my heart pounding furiously against my ribcage. They cross the entrance and I follow them a few steps. I can’t help but chuckle. She must be the only person driving a French car in LA. Once Miss Rottenmeier has Lara secured on her seat Jeanne pulls away, not acknowledging me again anymore. I stand there for a moment. I should wait for Jeff. I take my phone to my ear. “Niall?–––I speak when he answers my call. You won’t believe this… Jeanne,” I assert, finally sure that it hasn’t been a dream.

“I know,” he interrupts me nervously. What the hell? “I have something to tell you…”

“Speak,” I grunt.

“I knew about the daughter and about Jeanne being in Cali…” He mumbles.

“What?” I snap. What is going on here?

“I knew she was at Stanford and we met her when she came to LA because of her book.”

“Who…?” What is he talking about? Did he meet her?

“Erica and I… Erica wasn’t sure about it but I was desperate for her to meet someone who can balance a personal and an academic life quite successfully… You know I want a big family and we should start right after the wedding, but instead Erica wants to wait like a whole year to start thinking about it…” He rambles. What the actual hell?

“Wait–––I cut him off. Are you telling me you knew she was teaching at Stanford, that she had published a book and was selling the rights, and that she had a daughter…?–––I ask, my tone rising higher, as I’m about to lose my temper. How did you know all this?” Niall falls into silence.

“He asked me not to tell you…” Fucking fuck.

I should have known… Louis.

Wait…

Is he…?

–.–.–

Notes

IS HE…? He could be! If you remember, Jeanne mentioned him on the epilogue ;) I sorta hid a lot there. Maybe you should go back an re-read it!

It's so good to have rambling Harry back. Gotta love him, come on. He has come a long way, and he struggles. I loved that little dynamics between him and Jeanne. We'll have much more of them, of course. She's still a great mystery, but not so much for us!

And then Niall! I have so much in store for him in this story, as the rest of the boys! Hope you are thrilled about this as I am! Oh, these boys, keeping things from each other! Told you this was going to be madness! Who wants answers?! I'd love to hear some new voices in my comments! Come on! I bet you have something to say about this mess! Your feedback is everything to me :) Love you all <3