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Dreaming Of You // If I'm Still Dreaming

'Who cares?'

With my neck propped on my hand and glancing down to my forearm I was able to contemplate Jeanne’s tattoo closely, while sitting on the airplane. My mesmerising mermaid… My enigmatic geisha… She would be leaving to Moscow at some point after her birthday, on April 7. When I learnt about it I still had a few days to plan everything, but time flew, and soon our show in Dubai was over and Niall and I were on our private flight to Paris. Louis said he’d come with me, but I couldn’t say yes. I knew he was down and he just wanted to help, but it wasn’t our moment. How could I trust him after all that had happened? What more could I expect from him on Jeanne’s department? I could be a bit resentful, though part of me was sure that, whatever would happen between Jeanne and me, we’d be able to reconnect. Our friendship wasn’t really dead, just a bit off.

I knew Niall offered himself to join me because Erica and him had a huge fight over the phone and he was feeling utterly nervous to face her. Fool… It made me happy to learn they had finally got together, though this side of me couldn’t help but sulk a little. Things were turning out all right for everybody around me, except me. What was going on with me? Why couldn’t I get a normal life, with a normal girlfriend? Instead I had to go through the frenzy of the fans and Jeanne’s constant rejection. It was as if I had a curse on me. I felt as if I was cursed. So many dreams and expectations were cast upon me… But I had signed up for this. Selling dreams came hand-in-hand with singing and I knew it since the beginning, though I never imagined it would become this big. My mind couldn’t even fully apprehend it. I remembered how I listened to all those dreams at Jeanne’s defence as if they were practically talking about other person than myself, but it was me, and I was carrying them up with me, wanted it or not. I loved to be able to make people happy, but I knew I also had the power to make them very unhappy, and that was something just too overwhelming for someone my age.

Trying to shake off those thoughts I glanced at Niall, squirming on his seat even more anxious than me, a hand beneath his chin, looking like a lost puppy. He had messed up big time, but I was sure they’d eventually get over it. They had waited so many years to finally be together… They’d work it through.

“Don’t worry, Niall–––I told him out of the blue. You’ll get the girl…” I flicked my hand at him.

“Why would you say that?” He shrugged, sounding rather bitter, a hand tightened around his phone.

“Because you are the nice guy, Niall–––I said assertively–––and the nice guy always gets the girl.” Niall shrugged another time and glanced through the window, sighing. After a moment he looked back at me.

“And what about you?” He let out.

“I keep misleading everybody–––I shrugged myself, nestling on my seat. I’m not the nice guy… I’m the accursed poet.” I glimpsed away, my Baudelaire’s book resting by my side.

“You don’t need to do this, Harry…” Niall muttered in a concerned tone.

“I do, Niall–––I claimed. I thought I could leave things like this, but I just can’t. I know now I deserve a proper closure.”

“Harry, you are like a brother to me." I loved the way he pronounced ‘brudder’ instead of the proper word. He was so adorable and practically didn’t acknowledge it, and I was so proud to deserve those sayings. “I love you more than my left hand, and I’m very attached to my bloody left hand–––he joked lightly. You’re not going there for closure, mate. You’re going there because you love her and you can’t forget about her, and you need to try one last time before she leaves to Moscow. I know this; you know this,” he stated slowly, pointing at the both of us. I didn’t know anymore. “I told you in Dubai I want to be sure you are OK, because I know you are love-blinded, head over heels for her, and you can say what you want but you know you are clinging to this slight chance, and I’m scared because I don’t want you to get crushed…” Distress was starting to grow on his voice, and he seemed very worried, almost close to tears. He breathed in deeply. “But I want you to know that if you get crushed, I’ll be there for you, no matter what, no matter how ugly it gets, I’ll be there, and I won’t ask. I’ll just be there. You can count on me.” I slightly shook my head ‘no.’

“Hey, don’t worry–––I came to comfort him, resting a hand on his knee. Don’t worry… It’s me whom we are talking about…–––I grinned. My heart had stopped beating for her so many times already, and here I am.” Niall couldn’t help but smile too. “I’ll get over it–––I patted his knee repeatedly. I just need to see her one more time. You are just worried about Erica… Relax, you’ll get the girl.” I flicked my hand another time to lighten up the mood, grimacing. Niall shook his head, giggling silently, and glimpsed down.

“You are out of this world, Harry–––he murmured, amazed. I’m here, trying to help you, and instead you help me… No wonder the world loves you.” The world might do so, but not Jeanne. “Promise me whatever happens we are still going to climb the Eiffel Tower…” I chuckled.

“Of course–––I said, bending back and adjusting my body to the seat, as I pulled my book from my side. Anything for you…”

Niall smiled broadly, and glanced down to begin to type something on his phone. I opened my book and searched for a poem to read. I didn’t know what an ‘accursed poet’ was until Jeanne first mentioned them, referring to my all-black looks. Now, after reading Bukowski I was ready to go to the source: Baudelaire, Rimbaud, Verlaine, Mallarmé, Lautréamont. In my state of soul it was impossible for me not to relate with them, their gloominess and secrecy.

Do you come from Heaven or rise from the abyss,
Beauty? Your gaze, divine and infernal,
Pours out confusedly benevolence and crime,
And one may for that, compare you to wine.

You contain in your eyes the sunset and the dawn;
You scatter perfumes like a stormy night;
Your kisses are a philtre, your mouth an amphora,
Which make the hero weak and the child courageous.

Do you come from the stars or rise from the black pit?
Destiny, bewitched, follows your skirts like a dog;
You sow at random joy and disaster,
And you govern all things but answer for nothing.

You walk upon corpses which you mock, O Beauty!
Of your jewels Horror is not the least charming,
And Murder, among your dearest trinkets,
Dances amorously upon your proud belly.

The dazzled moth flies toward you, O candle!
Crepitates, flames and says: “Blessed be this flambeau!”
The panting lover bending o’er his fair one
Looks like a dying man caressing his own tomb,

Whether you come from heaven or from hell, who cares,
O Beauty! Huge, fearful, ingenuous monster!
If your regard, your smile, your foot, open for me
An Infinite I love but have not ever known?

From God or Satan, who cares? Angel or Siren,
Who cares, if you make, —fay with the velvet eyes,
Rhythm, perfume, glimmer; my one and only queen!
The world less hideous, the minutes less leaden?

I sighed, pushing my head back and closing my eyes. Jeanne… Why would she have changed the end of ‘Bizarre Love Triangle’? She once said she wasn’t changing her story because of me, but she did change it, and I couldn’t help but wonder… Was I holding on to that? I took a pen from my diary and resolutely started to outline some parts throughout the page: ‘From God or Satan, who cares? Angel or Siren, who cares.’ My phone vibrating on my pocket distracted me from my task.

Liam: Just wondering how you were doing…

I chuckled. Oh, Liam. Those passive ways he had to force himself into you. I knew those ways too well.

Harry: Trying for Niall not to cry.

Liam: Good luck with that!

I couldn’t help but laugh, suddenly gaining Niall’s attention. I stuck my tongue out at him and continued reading.

Liam: OK, Harry. Jokes on the side…

There he was.

Liam: I want you to know that I have your back.

Liam: Sometimes a little madness is all right, you know.

I raised my eyebrows, moistening my lips, impressed.

Harry: Madness, Liam?

I knew his reply would take a bit longer.

Liam: Yes, madness. We can’t control everything. Believe me, I try.

Liam: And fail.

Liam: Like all the time.

I almost dropped from my seat. To have him admitting those things…

Liam: So I know, when things are worthy, a little madness is all right.

I was contorting in laughter and Niall flashed me a confused glance. I shook my head at him and started typing.

Harry: Thank you, daddy, for your permission to make a fool out of myself.

A little bit of cheekiness never harmed anyone.

Liam: I won’t even answer to that.

I cackled. Almost four years and a half to finally tame him. He knew we were a lost cause.

Liam: A lover is always a fool, so who cares?

At his message I froze. He could never know how much those last three words were in coincidence to what I needed to hear right there and then.

Harry: Thank you, Liam.

Liam: Are you still playing Louis?

I couldn’t help but laugh again.

Harry: No, this one was actually from the heart.

I smiled, my chest instantly warming up.

Harry: Thank you, for everything, Liam. For always being there, and take care of me, of all of us…

I suddenly went weak, and my whole self began to shiver. ‘Don’t start now; pull yourself together, Harold,’ I thought to myself.

Liam: You sound as you were walking to your death. Lol.

It wasn’t for nothing he knew me so well. Cheeky Liam to the rescue.

Harry: Don’t take it the literal sense, but I might be.

I snorted quietly. Who knew? And who cared?

Liam: You and your poetry! Damn Zayn Malik for giving you that book!

I shook my head, smiling. I probably was near to hysterical, but when we landed in Paris I still managed to keep my coolness, though as soon as Niall, Pat and I jumped into the taxi, it all came down on me at once. What was I doing? I wasn’t even sure if she’d be at home. No, Louis said she’d be packing, so she needed to be there. What if she wasn’t alone? Well, she wasn’t alone the first time I showed up at her place, and it didn’t turn out so bad. Yes, but what if this time it wasn’t Lolo but another male presence? No, she was leaving to Russia. What would she be doing with some guy? It might sound pretty logical to me, but she had said she was used to be with them until they weren’t in the same country anymore… ‘Who cares?’ I started to repeat in my mind. I just wanted closure, because I knew she didn’t love me… I could know it but, God, it hurt.

“Mme. Poulbot ?” I claimed to the entry phone, pretty sure she’d remember me. She seemed like one of those neighbours who never forget a face or a name. I did well learning her doorbell. God, I couldn’t practically stand still. “C’est Harry. Je viens pour Jeanne…–––I explained as I heard she answered. Pouvez-vous ouvrir la porte ?”

“Have you been learning French?” Niall said confusedly at my back. I smiled as Mme. Poulbot started to greet me lovingly. The door buzzed and I opened it.

“Not exactly…” I muttered before I got inside.

To be there again, at Jeanne’s building. Last time I was so dazed it all seemed like a distant dream. The way I had rushed down those stairs… It was as if I were running for my life. It had been so useless, not only because it didn’t help, but because it only made things even worse… My feelings for her were so strong I just couldn’t pretend to escape them; it was foolish… But I had never felt so vulnerable in all my life as that night. Never… I couldn’t have borne it then, to listen to her saying things I didn’t want to hear. Maybe I was ready to face her now, or not, and she’d kill me. Maybe she’d even save me.

“Oui ?” I listened to her voice after I knocked on the door. My heart bounced inside my chest. For a fraction of a second I thought of leaving, but I was there for a purpose, so I forced myself not to run away or drop to the floor.

“Jeanne, it’s Harry…” I said in my steadiest tone possible for a situation like that, but I received no answer; just a muffled noise. I got nervous. What I did showing at her door this way was––as Liam put it––simply madness. “Jeanne, I left last time and I have no right to be here,” I quickly began to explain myself. Who cared if there was someone with her? “But I just want to talk, and clear things…” I was lucky if I didn’t get arrested. “I admit this might look a bit stalky–––I tried to observe casually, but instead I talked in a too high-pitched tone. You probably know I was in Dubai two days ago,” I carried on, but shook my head. What a stupid thing to say. “Well, no, you might not–––I corrected myself. Your research is over, so why would you know?” My hand went to rest in the door, as I bowed my head to it. Of course she wouldn’t know if it wasn’t for Louis. Louis… “Maybe because of Louis?–––I rectified instantly. You have been talking, I’m aware… Not in love with the idea but I’m OK with it, not dead jealous…” I pondered quietly. Maybe she wasn’t even listening to my rambling anymore, and she had shut herself up in the bathroom to call the Police. But then I regretted it… Mentioning Louis wasn’t probably the cleverest move. “I swear he didn’t want to tell me but I threatened him and made him speak,” I ventured unthinkingly. What an ass… “Yeah, that’s not very coherent with not being dead jealous…” I whinged, lightly shaking my head. “Jeanne, please, open the door. You know I’m harmless. I just want to ta…” I interrupted myself as I thought I heard a noise from inside. Maybe she’d have approached the door. The possibility clouded my mind. I closed my eyes. “I know you are barefoot and wearing a dress… I know your hair is messy and the attic is full of light…” I whispered, all my body pressed against the cold wood. “Please, let me see you one last time…” I begged, unable to stop. Then something came to ease my mind. “This is like that video from Everclear, ‘I Will Buy You A New Life,’ where the guy speaks with her through the door, until she finally lets him in…” I chuckled, feeling stupidly hopeful as hundreds of memories filled me; not only the video, but the way we were back then, the unspoken promise of her words, the rush… the rush that only grew bigger once I met her, the way we were together, our chemistry, the force pulling us together. “I didn’t know them until I met you, like so many things… Like everything…”

Those words felt to my lips and my heart like the last words I would ever say to her, but maybe I would have said something more. I just went quiet for a single moment, feeling the painted wood beneath my fingertips until I heard it… The lock, and the doorknob turning.

–.–.–

Notes

So many things on this chapter I just don't know what to say. I managed to bring all the boys before the end. They are the reason we are here, so I hope you liked the outcome. It was very emotional to write. Thank you, KAOT for your support in this. I wouldn't be able to finish this story as I planned if it wasn't for your support.

I'm currently writing the very last chapter, so if KAOT and the rest of you keep cheering me as you've been doing this past few weeks, then I'm able to say I will publish the remain chapters at once on Saturday. You don't really imagine the way you make me feel when you give me feedback. You give a meaning for me going to bed at 3a.m. on a school day. I want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you to all the people reading and commenting here, messaging me, following me and voting over wattpad, messaging me on wattpad. You make the difference. I promised long lasting feels and I hope not to disappoint you. This is the story you have never read before. Expect anything. Love you all <3

Comments

miss you a lot friend,
message me sometime if you have the chance ❤️

You promised you would never make us wait for an update that long again... *cries*

Hello,

I hope your life is everything that you want it to be. It seems like the past couple of months have really changed my perspective of the world, and how much you need to appreciate the little things in life. You never know when life will snatch them away from you.

I have really appreciated all that you have done for me. I miss your constantly developing plot, and your infinitesimal points of detail. In other words, I miss this story so much.

I feel like so much has happened since the last time you updated. I hope you know that I am always eagerly awaiting your next chapter. Even if it's 5 years from now, and I am a fully licensed Speech Language Pathologist, I will try my best to keep up my support. Maybe next year while I am studying abroad in Italy you will find the motivation to continue. Who knows what's going to happen. Maybe I should take the quote from the t-shirt I am currently wearing. "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know you're gonna get."

Thanks,
Morgan

Morgan__Who Morgan__Who
2/13/18

Oh no, and then the moment came there's no next chapter anymore! What do I have to do with my spare time now?!
On a serious note: I loved loved looooooved your story so far. I loved the way the sequel wasn't the same as 'Dreaming of you'. Another timeset, other places, other people getting involved, and the tension being build up from the beginning till now. Their 'relationship' didn't went back to the way things were in France 4 years ago, it needed time to get together again and in a different way (happy about their love right now, but after 111 chapters I know things can change...). I really loved the way you wrote about Mark Owen as being Jeanne's 'Boyband crush'. I've been such a big fan of Take That and Mark was my first true love when I was 11 or so. His picture was hanging above my bed, wich I kissed goodnight every night. (I guess I've just spilled my age, haven't I? ;-) )
When I read the last comments, I think your last update was from 2 months ago. I really hope you can find the time, the energy and the inspiration to finish this story, because I'm hooked! Give me a warning when you'll write a book, I will be in front of the bookstore, waiting!

Love, Leah



leah leah
7/17/17

Dear You,

I've started reading this story two days ago. From the very first chapter I'm hooked and I can't stop reading. I don't want to go out, I don't want to sleep, I just want to read. Not to know how it will end actually, because I don't want it to end! So I try to find a balance between reading fast en making it last a little bit longer. I'm a fan of Harry from the day Sign of the times has released, so I have a lot of catching up to do. When you mention a song or a situation with One Direction, I look for it on Google or YouTube. So you're helping me to get to know the world of Harry and 1D, thank you for that! I've been to Paris a couple of times, It's such a beautiful city. I have good, romantic, memories of the times I've been there. You're writing about the city is so accurate and lively, it feels I'm there again by reading. My heart nearly broke for Harry and Jeanne when I read the last chapter of Dreaming of you. Happy to know there's a sequel, I going to start reading that now. I just wanted to write you this, because in the notes below the chapters you seem like a very nice, caring person. Thank you for writing such a beautiful story! (I hope my writing makes sence, English isn't my native language so I know I make a lot of mistakes. I'm sorry!)
Love, Leah

leah leah
7/15/17