Dreaming Of You // If I'm Still Dreaming

I was dazed. Was in that talk with her mother the clue to understand Jeanne’s attitude towards love? Was there an explanation in the first place? I knew what Louis said about things not necessarily working that way, but it was too tempting. Everything seemed to make so much sense… Jeanne was broken because of a guy and she didn’t dare to try to love again. It was practically written word by word on her story. But how did that fit together with them being friends? God, why everything had to be so complicated? I needed to talk to someone. Part of me didn’t want to turn to him, but if somebody could help me with this it was Louis. She introduced him to Antoine. Maybe he would be able to remember something else.

“Mate, you won’t believe this…” I muttered after he answered the call.

“Is it about Jeanne?” He quickly blurted out. Being bewildered by things related to her was becoming a ritual to either of us.

“Her mother is my art consultant…”

“What?” Louis snapped. I led my hand to my forehead for the thousandth time in the afternoon.

“What you heard…” I mumbled, suddenly falling into a brief silence. Louis must have been trying to sort everything out.

“Are you saying her mum is your extra hot art consultant?–––he spoke after a second. The one you chose because of her surname and because she looks like a total pin-up?” God, I had forgotten they were acquainted. I squeezed my eyes. At least he sounded astonished instead of horny.

“I’m telling you–––I complained almost in a groan, shaking my head in annoyance. We were on the phone until just now. She told me everything about Jeanne,” I claimed, letting my hand fall to my side, defeated. Crazy or not, things were that way.

“OK–––Louis muttered. Level of obsession?”

“Quite high–––I claimed cheekily. I don’t know where the obsession ends and the love begins.”

“I can imagine,” he said in sympathy. I heard some noises as if he was sitting down. I wondered if El was around, but I supposed she wasn’t. “Fine, I’m ready, so shoot. I’m here to help.” I half shut my eyes. “Yes, that means no teasing,” he scolded me. I wasn’t very sure he could hold on to that promise.

“Half of the pictures in my house are Jeanne’s, but that’s not what I want to talk about. She…”

“Let me get it…–––Louis cut me off in a mysterious tone. So you were obsessed with Jeanne before you even knew it was her,” he observed, chuckling lightly.

“I shouldn’t even get offended by that remark–––I asserted between gritted teeth–––because I admit it. I never told you this back then because I wanted to avoid the teasing, but I was quite obsessed with Jeanne after I watched her at the club in London–––I explained lowly. I dreamt of her for months…” OK, the ultimate truth was out. Louis chuckled again. “Buying her pictures was not intended, but it just happened…” I tapped my thigh in frustration.

“Jesus Christ, Harry… She has been in front of your eyes for years…–––Louis pointed out in disbelief. You just didn’t know… It has to be fate!”

“I know, mate–––I grabbed my forehead, lifting my gaze to the wall. I can’t believe it myself… I’m right here staring at the picture she uses on her social media profiles.” Louis made some sort of hiss. “I have it hanging on my house. And next to that one, there is another one from the same set where she’s turning around and you can actually see her face –––I whinged, slowly trailing every feature with my gaze. And she looks so beautiful with her dreamy eyes and plump lips, tucking her messy hair behind her ear all innocently,” I shook my head ‘no’ in amazement, biting my lower lip… I did have fancied her in a picture… Now I remembered clearly I thought she was gorgeous, but didn’t say a word to Anne because she mentioned it was her daughter. But I see so many faces… “I’m never showing you this picture.”

“You’re an absolute arse…” Louis grinned.

“Mate, this is not even the most disturbing part of the conversation–––I continued practically stammering. She knows… Jeanne knows I bought the entire exhibition… That’s how Anne made the connection between us.” Louis gulped hard. “It was her calling that night, when you were having dinner… Jeanne asked her discretion, but her mother always does the same thing I do… She doesn’t listen to her.”

“What?–––Louis snapped. So when I asked her to come to see you to the hotel she might already have made up her mind? Oh, she’s devious…” He grunted, and I couldn’t help but rejoice.

“It all happened in front of your eyes but you didn’t even realise!–––I exclaimed. Do you understand me now when I say she’s inscrutable? Do you? Hmm? Do you?” I teased him.

“I didn’t persuade her…” He mused quietly.

“Uh, no–––I claimed as if it was an obvious matter. But she never mentioned the issue, so I don’t even know if she was mad or not.” This was the point that had me confused the most.

“Yeah, well, she tried to sneak out of the hotel the next morning–––Louis reminded me. Don’t forget that…” He was right. Jeanne had tried to leave unnoticed. What was she trying to do?

“Was she avoiding the talk?–––I ventured hesitantly. When you let her into my room she clearly wasn’t in the mood to talk–––I reminisced almost absentmindedly, shivering at the sensuous memory–––as she just crawled on top of me…” Once I realised what I was saying I interrupted myself.

“Carry on, mate–––he said in a care free tone. I’m not having dirty thoughts.” Yeah, and cows can fly. I shook my head, scratching the back of my neck, unsure to continue this path.

“Sex is kind of our way to make things right…–––I mumbled. It happens every time things get messy. Each time Mitsuo brought sushi; after I got jealous of the hipster guy at the Parisian pub; after she told me about the German goalkeeper…” I decided to keep that morning in the hotel to myself, but I couldn’t deny there was a real pattern there.

“But isn't that what lovers are supposed to do?–––Louis complained. To shag when they meet?”

“Yes, but according to her mother we shouldn’t carry on with this because Jeanne is aware I’m in love with her.” Louis hummed cheekily. Yes, her mum’s knowledge on our intimacy was more than surreal. “We should evolve into something else.”

“Something is holding her back…” He pondered and I nodded, absolutely engrossed in.

“Stan might be right, Louis, and it’s the guy,” I said in a small voice. It could be, but I wasn’t fond of the idea. “Maybe I shouldn’t be disclosing this to you, but blame me. He cheated on Jeanne like four or five years ago…” God, I just hated the thought.

“So it did happen,” Louis asserted dryly. His theory on Jeanne being Harry’s character had gone by the board, and he never liked to be wrong about something.

“Yes, and that’s probably the reason she doesn’t do relationships…”

“Hmm, I don’t know,” he mused. I closed my eyes, a little tired of his patronising attitude.

“Well, you didn’t notice she was mad when she spoke on the phone, so what would you know?” I retorted quite rudely. Why did he always think he knew better?

“Hey, you called me for a reason, pal–––Louis claimed, a bit flustered. Sorry, Harry, but it was me there with Jeanne and the Frenchy.” Oh, he had no shame.

“Do you really need to rub it on my face?” I blurted, gesturing with my finger.

“Listen–––he cut me short. If you weren’t the jealous freak you are and you'd just have approached her without snapping it would have been you,” he asserted. I suddenly flinched on my spot. “You know you should have behaved differently, Harry.” Yes. Things would probably have turned out better.

“Point made…” I whispered, glancing down.

“I saw what I saw, Harry–––Louis explained in an empathising tone–––and there’s no way Jeanne could be that cool and relaxed next to the guy who ruined her. She was completely oblivious of his presence… She couldn’t have treated him like this otherwise, as an acquainted you call friend because you are pretty earnest.” He sounded so sure of himself I started to shake my head, confused. “And on top of that–––he continued–––you know what she told me at the restaurant. She was being serious about not carrying an unnecessary weight in one’s heart! She’s not resentful, and she’s definitely not damaged…–––he pointed out with a hint of sarcasm. The way she glows, Harry… She can be anything except damaged.” God, even as a friend he was so besotted with her. I couldn't help but start feeling jealous all over again. “She therapies, for Christ’s sake, Harry. She’s aware of everything.”

“What do you mean, Louis?–––I blurted, feeling somehow disarmed by his point of view. It’s so obvious. She opened up and got a heartbroken! She doesn’t believe in love; she speaks of bad choices, disappointment. It has to be it!” I insisted.

“She never said she doesn’t believe in love…” Louis claimed quietly. My eyes widened.

“Well, no, but that’s understood,” I said, scrunching my face.

“I’m sorry, but it’s not–––he observed. Maybe she doesn’t want to waste her time getting too involved with the wrong guys, and cuts things straight to the chase. She’s pretty sexual, Harry, you know that,” he spoke cautiously, though I couldn’t help myself and tensed up, clenching my hands and squeezing the phone in one fist. “She gets what she wants and dumps them before it gets messy–––he carried on. Maybe because she is in fact waiting for the one, the guy that got into her mind in London the day she met you…” I frowned.

“But love as a burden…”

“Telling this to you would sound almost like a joke, but forget about Shakespeare–––Louis ironised. She loves you. I know she does…”

“But she didn’t even want to talk about me!” I snapped.

“Exactly!–––he shouted. Just because of that! Because you make her vulnerable! Because if she got to speak about you with me, your best mate, I was going to realise!” I covered my eyes, bending my head forward.

“God, I’m even more lost than an hour ago…” And I had thought it was impossible.

“Harry, you need to see her right away,” Louis continued.

“I know,” I rubbed my forehead in anxiousness. God, she was going to kill me. “Anne told me she’s about to hand her thesis. The defence will be by the end of the month. I’m going–––I stated–––even if it's just for the day or I have to call it sick to work. I have to be there… Anne will let me know as soon as she finds out the date.”

“Oh, cooperative beside hot…–––Louis snickered and I rolled my eyes. Interesting mother-in-law you found to yourself.”

“Really, Louis?” I shook my head. It wasn’t a good moment for his usual shit.

“OK, OK–––he whinged. I see the days go by and your sense of humour is still missing in action.” I pretended I hadn’t listened to that.

“Should I wear a tie?” I asked, unsure, but mentally there already.

“Jesus Christ, you should listen to yourself, Harry…–––Louis sounded quite bewildered. You are so freaking in love with her it’s almost too sweet… Will you buy her a present?” A present?

“I haven’t thought of it…” I admitted. What did I know about the academic world and its traditions? “I don’t know, maybe a jewel?”

“I guess a jewel sounds fine for a PhD–––he remarked. What are you thinking about?”

“Maybe something from Cartier…?” I reluctantly said. I knew I was being judged, but I had no idea.

“Cartier, to Jeanne?–––Louis abruptly groaned. Do you want her to stop talking to you? Be original, man; work it a little. You are possibly playing your last card.” He was probably right.

As soon as I hung up I shoved my phone into my pocket and resolutely walked up to the wall, taking down the picture where she was looking at me. I held it between my hands for a moment and thought of calling her. How would I still text her with all the things I knew? Maybe I should start applying her tactics and act as if nothing was happening.

–.–.–

Notes

Bewildered Harry! I thought I needed to write this chapter to mess even more with his mind and yours :D But things are going to twist so much in the next chapters... Let's see how much of all of this holds together by the end. I bet you know what's coming next chapter... Yes, Harry meeting Jeanne to her thesis' defence. That will be a wild ride. Don't miss it, so, stay tuned!

Thank you for supporting this story. I work really hard to write it and it melts my heart you feel so strong about it. Your friendship means a lot to me because, you, dear reader, you are actually a friend to me, even if I don't know your name or I've never talked to you. I wish I could :) Thank you, from the bottom of my heart! Thank you to all these beautiful, clever souls for reading and sharing your precious time with me. I love you all.