Dreaming Of You // If I'm Still Dreaming

“OK, I’m having such a flashback I’m about to start crying,” Stan mumbles through Skype. Plenty of things have happened in Jeanne’s Fan Fiction and the boys insisted on having a book club’s session. I’m not sure about this at all. I hated the last one I was in, but Louis told me Stan has new information on Jeanne’s writing his friend had been studying, so they are pretty much excited. To be honest, I haven’t been able to read her anymore, and I’m sure she knows. She is kind in her replies to my text messages, but I have been hating every second of every day since we parted in Philadelphia. I know she has been working hard on her thesis so I didn’t ask her if we could see each other during my break from tour even if I was dying to. I couldn’t manage a negative. I just went on holiday and tried to do my thing. I completely failed. I’ve been miserable without her… The tour works better for me. At least I get to keep my mind and time busy. We are so near the end right now I’m starting to despair, but the release of the new album is next and I’ll have plenty of work.

“You have a sentimental heart, Stan Lucas,” Louis remarks, shaking his head ‘no,’ a light smirk sealed in his lips. I’m almost jealous, as they don’t seem to have lost their complicity over the years, something that indeed happened to Louis and me.

“You hold so much of this heart, Tommo bear,” Stan slurs snottily and the rest of the boys giggle. “Even though right now it’s everything about Jeanne…” At his comment they all shut up automatically, glancing at me.

“Watch your words, mate–––Niall asserts jokingly. Someone around here is very touchy on the matter lately,” he chuckles.

“Don’t listen to them, Stan–––I flick my hand at him, turning towards the screen of my Mac. You, but only you can actually say what you want.”

“I wish she were my Fan Fiction girl–––Stan snickers. Is that too much?”

“Body parts are your limit, mate,” I retort, glimpsing down in a smirk. Jeanne’s body… God, just the thought of it makes me so weak. I feel a pat on my back and I glance at my right, startled. Louis. I chuckle. Things have been better off between us since he came out clean and explained the situation with El to me. If they don’t manage to reconnect over Christmas they’re going to break up. My mind doesn’t even want to consider the dimension of the damage. I can’t prevent myself from glancing down.

“Well, Harry, boys–––Stan resumes the session–––my friend Alicia, the professor, has been working in Jeanne’s stories, my notes and Harry’s notes from random conversations they had I asked him a while ago. As you might remember, their academic backgrounds are pretty similar, so she understands Jeanne, at least better than any of us.” So many people are involved in this it’s almost surreal, but it has been proven I can’t do it on my own. I don’t get her, plain and simple.

“So, what did the Professor say?” Louis claims in irony, placing his arm in the back of his chair.

“Fine, first of all she says that it is pretty amazing for a researcher to choose such a particular topic to write a PhD thesis,” Stan reads from a little notebook. I can’t help but clasp my hands over my mouth.

“And for ‘particular’ you mean ‘ridiculous’…” Niall ponders, putting his hands together and glimpsing at me with a snicker.

“Well, no–––Stan speaks reluctantly. Fan Fiction is kinda hot right now…”

“It is because of me, isn’t it?–––I cut them short. Because I’m the subject of her thesis…”

“I told you it was something big!" Liam bounces on the sofa behind me, clapping his hands, visibly excited. Zayn pats his back.

“No, well, Harry–––Stan hesitates. Right at this point we have this tiny, little specification to make. You are not strictly the ‘subject’ of her thesis…” He gestures quotation marks with his fingers. The boys glance at each other.

“How come?–––I blurt. She insisted so much on that!” I exclaim in confusion. She told me at least three times, two the day we met in Paris, and another one when we went to her Art session. I remember each time so vividly I shudder.

“Yeah, well, maybe–––Stan speaks cautiously–––but the actual ‘subject’ of her thesis is the Fan Fiction writers…” I frown. I know everybody is doing the same as the room falls into silence.

“And what am I?” I shake my head, disconcerted.

“The object…”

“What?” I snap. Liam chuckles at my back.

“Maybe she told you that you were the ‘subject’ because the ‘object’ would sound too rough,” Niall elbows me and I turn to glare at him. Too rough? Just too rough?

“Do you get it?–––Liam pops his head next to mine. She’s not actually studying you but the fans, through you. Wicked.” He returns to the sofa, snickering. Oh, for some reason he’s enjoying this. Jealous prick.

“It was too good to be true…” Niall whinges.

“Let’s move on, shall we?” Stan suggests as they all murmur around me. Am I an object? How could it be possible? I’ve never been so dejected over a thing I don’t even fully understand. “Anyway, Alicia said her thesis is risky, but sexy, and that Jeanne can make it work.” Well, if someone can turn anything sexy, that’s Jeanne, for sure. A simple slice of bread, raw beef, and a plain grey top, Proust guy and even the word ‘thesis’… “Alicia is pretty hooked actually; she will try to attend Jeanne’s viva voce. In fact she talked to Madeleine over the phone, and was informed that it’s going to be some time soon, before the end of the year. That was the second important thing I had to tell you, Harry.” Suddenly I start to get anxious. I have to be there… How will I manage to be there with everything that’s coming up? “Do you want the full name of the thing?” I automatically nod my head at him. Stan looks down to read. “‘The Irruption Of Non-Literary Stardom In Non-Canonical Literature: The Phenomenon of Harry Styles’ Fan Fiction.’” God, how can she do this? It is like Chinese to me but it turns me on so badly.

“Jeez, it sounds so hot–––Niall intervenes. I just want one of those!” I think I’m not the only one. I can’t even blame him.

“Even if you are just the ‘object’?” Liam grins talking next to Niall’s head, glimpsing at me playfully. I roll my eyes.

“Way better…” Niall retorts, cackling.

“Why don’t you ask Erica for one of those then?–––I speak in sarcasm and his eyes suddenly widen. She goes to college too. I bet she can manage, and maybe you’ll get a chance with her, finally…” Niall is looking at me all confused, while the boys are working hard to muffle their laughter. He wasn’t expecting this. Erica has been sort of a taboo topic over the years, but it was too pretentious of him to tease me savagely without having anything in return. I bite my lower lip and lightly pat him on the cheek to make him react. He’s such a fool for her. I don’t think he fully realises yet.

“OK, to the text then–––Stan tries to bring some order. Zayn, can you do a little summary for Harry?”

“Well, mate–––Zayn sits on the edge of the sofa and pats Niall’s back, who’s still in awe. This is what happened since you stopped reading ‘Bizarre Love Triangle,’ with all the names. Please, don’t get jealous–––he warns me, giggling foolishly. This is fiction. OK, the relationship between Laila and Harry kept growing. After they declared their love towards each other openly they had sex and went on holiday with Liam and Marianne, and me and Bernie––who I totally fancy, which partially means I fancy your lover so forget this digression,” he chuckles. Liam pretends to cough nervously and I roll my eyes at them. “They return to London to find out Harry got the position at Miss Franzen's department. You start to work there and she begins to flirt with you shamelessly, as expected… You are in love with your girlfriend but somehow feel attracted to your teacher. I sense something of a game of power more than anything romantic there–––Zayn speaks half shutting his eyes. You keep avoiding her until one fine day she turns you on with her advances and she gives you a blow job.” My heart freezes inside my chest. So I’ve been right all the time. Harry was meant to screw things over. “You feel like crap but get sucked into it. The situation continues for a few months, until Marianne catches you discussing the issue with Miss Franzen and goes to tell Laila. In the middle of the uni you fight, Laila leaves, you confront Marianne, and then Eric, who tells you he’d been knowing for a while but didn’t tell Laila to protect her. In the meantime Marianne leaves and calls Liam–––he turns to the side to poke Liam’s cheek. Liam, you show up at Laila’s flat and, as we were all suspecting, you crush on her so you don’t turn her down when in revenge to Harry she makes such a massive move on you…” At his words my eyes widen in amazement.

“What?–––I snap. Did she cheat on me?” I didn’t see that coming. They always forgive me so quickly…

“Well, you cheated first–––Louis pokes my chest. And after the fight you were technically over. So the only cheaters around here are you and Liam.” Are we having this conversation? This is so utterly surreal. “I love it. I’m the good, proper guy for once,” he cheers up. Yeah, I know he loves ‘it.’

“I have a thing for Laila, yeah!–––Liam throws his arms to the air. I wouldn’t do it in real life though, but as it’s fiction… Screw you, Harry!” He finishes chuckling.

“Well, things continue–––Zayn carries on. Laila doesn’t speak to you anymore and decides to finish the semester abroad.” Abroad? “She moves some contacts and here comes the good thing… She leaves to Paris…”

“Jeanne went abroad to London from Paris–––Stan intervenes. It’s the reversed situation. It means Laila is Jeanne, and Antoine cheated on her. That’s why she doesn’t believe in love…” I never considered Laila could be based on her experiences, but there’s so much I ignore from Jeanne’s life…

“Well, that might be tempting but too obvious for Jeanne’s standards–––Louis observes. I always thought Harry’s character is inspired on her, as they have so much in common, so she’d be the cheater, and that’s why she doesn’t believe in love…” Well, that’s at least confusing…

“Later on we found out her father cheated on her mother, as you told me it happened in real life–––Stan remarks, trying to catch my attention moving his hands. In both cases they work it through. You said she was pretty close to her dad, so maybe she identifies with him. From your notes we deduced Jeanne has a conflictive relationship with her mum.”

“Yeah, they don’t get along very well,” I speak slowly, reminiscing that call when we were at ‘La biguine.’ Even not knowing the language you could feel the tension rising. “We never addressed the issue directly but her mum seems very demanding.” Almost as me… “But Jeanne? A cheater?–––I mumble. I never thought of it…”

“These are mere conjectures, Harry,” Zayn leans in, tapping my back. Yeah, conjectures that make plenty of sense.

“Maybe you could ask a proper question sometime, I don’t know–––Niall ventures in a blithe tone. ‘Why are you this hippie sex bomb?’” I glare at him. Don’t push me, man, or you’ll get tired to listen about Erica.

“I don’t even know if there’s a reason for that–––Louis cuts him off. People are who they are; sometimes there’s no explanation…”

“Come on. There has to be–––Niall teases. She has a whole theory there with the fragility of desire, expectations and disappointment. She has everything too tied up. She's an… What do they call people who think?”

“An intellectual…” Zayn chuckles, grabbing his brow. At least somebody is dumber than me.

“Yes, that, she’s one of those–––Niall asserts, gesturing with his finger. It can’t be a coincidence.” Zayn lightly shakes his head ‘no.’

“Are you saying she’s slutty because she’s damaged?” I blurt out.

“And that’s the way Harry Styles refers to the woman he wants to get married with, ladies and gentlemen,” Louis ironises dramatically lifting his arms and I flick my hand at him. God, he’s so infuriating. “Don’t be sexist, Harry–––he claims. When men fuck around a lot we don’t get names. You are so supportive on many causes, as equal rights. Start with the basics; your mother, your sister, my sisters. Slut is a sexist concept we have to tear down from our vocabulary.”

“I totally am with Louis in this–––Liam remarks and they high five. Shame, shame, boys.” Because he’s so perfect.

“Oh, God, this is becoming even more surreal by the day–––Stan whinges on the computer. Come on, boys! Focus on the story! I love you, Tommo, but Laila gets to Paris and decides love drops from the equation of her life. She becomes a woman in control who knows what she wants. And it sounds too damn familiar…” Yes, it absolutely sounds like Jeanne.

“She told me once, when we were writing to each other, that London changed her life…–––I muse slowly, looking into space. Maybe she was referring to this.”

“Or maybe she was referring to you–––Liam intervenes abruptly. Meeting you represents a huge milestone in her life. She’s becoming a Doctor because of you…”

“If I weren’t who I am now, I’d probably be jumping from balcony to balcony in Magaluf–––I asserts, shivering at the thought–––and Jeanne would still be Jeanne, only with a more serious object of study.” Liam rolls his eyes at me.

“Give yourself a bit of credit, mate–––he complains. Where is your self-esteem?”

“Please, Stan, carry on with what the Professor said, because things are getting depressing,” Louis complains too, glimpsing at me.

“Well, speaking of London, Alicia told me there’s something in common in all her four stories–––Stan says enthusiastically. Harry and the main character always fall in love at first sight. And in literature, she said, patterns are everything, at least to reveal inner structures.”

“Does this mean Jeanne believes in love at first sight?” I bounce in my chair, startled by the possibility.

“Well, Alicia says she is a pretty conscious writer, so she could have put it there because it’s culturally attractive–––he explains. But if not, and this is pure subconscious flowing through her writing, then, yes, she does.” We beam at one another. “And even more–––he speaks emphatically. She might be reliving that first meeting in every story, projecting her desire for you to feel the same as she did.” Even though I’m sitting my knees go weak.

“I felt the same…–––I mutter. Every time I met her. I didn’t realise just then, but I did.” A warm numbness rushes through my limbs.

“Oh, God, love sick Harry–––Zayn claims to the air. That heart is going to die of overuse.”

“Love at first sight it’s not ‘love’ as in two-years-relationship love–––Stan says. It’s about instant infatuation, a sudden connection, and it has to do more with chemical attraction than even with looks, often referred as a spark. It tends to happen to very imaginative, oversensitive people… Dreamers. I guess it fits Harry well…” In a second four hands are on my back. I guess it does.

“But what about Jeanne?” Liam mumbles.

“I see it totally possible–––Niall speaks very sure of himself. This can’t be only for the sex… It would be admitting Harry is good in bed and I refuse it,” he asserts, talking to the others, who snicker. I don’t know whether to love him or hate him. “Well, at this extent, at least…”

“I thought you believed she’s a man-eater!” I snap at him, annoyed.

“A man-eater with a heart!” Niall replies.

“Cut it out with the man-eater thing, you sexist twats!” Louis spits out, standing up. From the screen Stan gestures for him to sit down.

“Things are not so easy––-Stan continues solemnly–––because at the same time Alicia told me the word ‘body’ appears in Jeanne’s writing three times more than the word ‘love’…” Oh, God. That’s how sensuous she is.

“We’re going in circles…” Liam shakes his head, propping his elbows on his knees. I chuckle. Now they get to know how I feel one hundred percent of the time.

“How does Alicia know that?–––Louis retorts, disconcerted. Did she count the words?”

“Yes, apparently it’s a basic approach when you study a text–––Stan explains, all engrossed in. Lexical and semantic fields, the choice of words, reveal a lot of the most important ideas on a writer, the fixations.”

“And they get paid for that?” Louis scrunches his face.

“Oh, Louis…–––Liam mutters. You get paid to fluster teenagers.” Zayn can’t help but cackle. Louis grimaces in annoyance, crossing his arms over his chest. He hates when something like that is suggested, and that’s the reason Liam always reminds him he’s in a boy band.

“There’s another remarkable thing Alicia came across with–––Stan carries on in the laptop with his notebook. Do you remember that Fan Fiction Jeanne’s mentioned once? The one––I quote––she felt ‘jealous’ of?” Well, not exactly, as I didn’t read it, but I remember the feels she gave me when she told me that. “Alicia read it, and it could mean something, Harry. Maybe Jeanne thinks she not the right kind of girl for you…” What?

“How is that even possible?” I say as we all glance at one another.

“Well, Jeanne said––and I quote again––it was everything she imagined about you. The main character is a simple girl, very young, with no great achievements, who leaves her life to be with you–––he explains as we listen carefully. It’s the absolute opposite to Jeanne… Perhaps she was speaking as a writer, but the fact that she finds it so accurate might mean something deeper.” A chill runs down my spine.

“She once told me she’s not my type,” I murmur. And she was so sure and cool about it…

“Well, sorry, Harry–––Liam tells me–––but this meeting is the living proof that she’s way out of your league.”

“I understand why you are so obsessed with her–––Niall speaks to me sympathetically, placing a hand on my shoulder. She’s like a gigantic puzzle.”

“He’s so obsessed with her–––Louis chuckles–––he lost the bandana for good and now he wears his hair just like her, pulled to the side.” I squint at him.

“He’s so obsessed with her–––Liam carries along–––he put up all that proposal thing from the guy on Twitter just to get her attention.” Well, I’m sure she knows everything I do…

“He’s so obsessed with her–––Zayn continues the charade–––he made me write down part of her name on his fingers, trying to make it pass as the name of his mother.” Because she has the name of my mum in hers, and it has to mean something. And her surname is the month we met in French.

“I'm not obsessed–––I claim, glimpsing down as they all glance at me with patronising looks. Well, maybe a bit. How should I not?–––I whinge. She told me she has feelings for me but I don’t seem to be able to get more of her. Is there something wrong with me? I told her I saw her in London and she didn’t even care! Who doesn’t believe in fate?” And every day I just have more and more questions.

–.–.–

Notes

Obsessed Harry will be finding a few answers on the next two chapters. Will he be able to manage them? I don't want to spoil it for you, but I guess he won't! Anyway, we want to know, isn't it? Do I blackmail you before posting the next chapter? I'm thinking of at least ten comments on your theories. We usually have eight comments per chapter, so if two more people tell us what they think on what was discussed this chapter, I'll update again on Saturday or Sunday! Come on! I bet you have a lot of ideas on what's going on with Jeanne! Harry needs you here! ;)

I want to greet a happy New Year to all my lovely friends! Your support keeps me going! I couldn't be writing this if it weren't for you. I'd wish to know all the 201 names :) I know many of you don't have an account here and go to vote on Wattpad, or even don't vote at all. In the end to me it's all about you being there and me bringing this story to you. We are connected. It's enough for me. Less than ten chapters to the end. We are about to make it!

So, to all the friends of this story, happy 2015 and thank you for being such amazing readers! When it comes to you I'm lost for words. I do love you a lot <3 Remember! Tell us your theory in the comment box to an early update!

And if you don't know yet who is Erica, don't leave the site before checking our friend KAOT's amazing Niall's story, Just As Much. Who doesn't love intertextuality? ;)