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Dreaming Of You // If I'm Still Dreaming

'She just chose me'

Jeanne was gone. I was alone again, without her. I had so many things to face, but at least I had seen her, and kissed her and everything… Part of her wanted to be with me and I knew I had to hold on to that and forget the other. I’d get to fix the other later. After I stayed as numb for a single moment I jumped into the lift to make my way to the common area. Luckily I hadn’t been spotted at the lobby; otherwise there would have been extra shouting. Nonetheless I started to shift nervously. Louis wasn’t going to come out intact of the episode. He owed me far more than a simple explanation.

“Harry! Almighty God!” Calum welcomed me back raising his open arms to the air. I couldn’t help but chuckle. I was sulking, yes, but it felt good to be praised.

“You are the King and we are your peasants!” Ashton shouted, leaping to his side while Michael and Luke were bowing their arms up and down in gesture of reverence. They had almost ruined my last moments with Jeanne, but it was impossible to stay mad at them for too long. I caught a sight of Zayn standing up from a sofa before I felt some weight on my back.

“Did you really fuck her against the door?” Niall had jumped over me but fell to my side, holding me.

“No, we were just teasing you,” I tried to act cool. Part of me wanted to preserve her honour. Soon I noticed Calum and Ashton were trying to smell me, and making faces at each other. I pushed them aside as I continued walking to Zayn. But, yeah, I smelt like a mixture of sex and Jeanne.

“God, either way she’s the perfect woman!” Niall cheered, his fist up. I giggled discreetly, a potent rush of heat surging me from my lower belly. God, she was gone, and I was craving for her as never before.

“This might sound weird but you just make the hottest couple ever,” Ashton claimed foolishly. Something tinkled inside of me and I stopped on my tracks to face him. We stared in silence for a second until I beamed happily. He flashed me a knowing smile, patting my shoulder, and we kept walking. “How did you manage to get a girl like that?” He asked casually. He’d never believe the whole story.

“I don't know–––I admitted, my chest expanding in joy. She just chose me…” I said in a cheeky grin. He gestured astonishment with his hands. They were all fucking excited. “Where is Louis?” I asked Zayn once I stood in front of him, instantly turning gloomy. At my words the rest left us alone.

“He’s waiting for you at his room, but I’m coming with you,” Zayn announced, quite concerned. Why did they have this urge to babysit me all the freaking time? “I won’t let you fight over this. You were best friends once.” He said well, once.

Two minutes later we were knocking on Louis’ door. I had tried to quieten down on my way to his room. It was so obvious that Jeanne wanted me. I didn’t need to feel menaced by him… But as soon as his face appeared behind the door everything rushed into my brain again. The art gallery, all the time they were missing in action together, they way they said goodbye to each other.

“What did you tell her to make her hold you?” I snapped as I pushed the door open to get inside. Louis stumbled back a couple of steps.

“God, Harry…” Zayn mumbled in exasperation. Yeah, well… I wondered what he would feel if he were in my shoes.

“I saw you!–––I walked threateningly towards Louis, pointing with my finger at his nose. She held you! What did you tell her?”

“What?” Louis blurted out, keeping his hands in front of him.

“Yes, I saw you at the art gallery!” I shouted. I felt Zayn grabbing my arm to control me. “You told her something and she held you!” I insisted, quite out of my mind. The image was sealed in my memory and I just wanted to take it away or find a suitable explanation.

“Did you see that?” Louis asked, confused. How could he not know I was right behind him? I silently nodded, glaring and tightly fisting my hands at my sides. “I promise it was just ‘hi, I’m Louis.’ It surprised me too–––he claimed. She seems a very physical person.” Zayn’s grip automatically tightened on my arm as I bounced forward.

“You too?” I growled, snapping my finger at him.

“Come on, Harry,” Zayn muttered, pulling me back. I ran my hand through my hair and breathed in deeply, trying to calm down. I glanced at Louis, dejected.

“What is going on?” I said between gritted teeth.

“What do you think?” Louis retorted in a cold tone, shamelessly pointing his finger at me.

“I think you like her more than you are able to admit to yourself…” I mumbled. For a second the room seemed to linger around us.

“And that’s why I let her into your room?–––Louis asked in irony. Because I want her?–––he blurted mockingly. It makes all the sense…”

“Eleanor told me one day–––I let out in bitterness, half shutting my eyes. You put up all this act because you know you are hopeless as she doesn’t want you but me.”

“I didn’t know we had other psychologists beside Jeanne around here,” he folded his arms across his chest, glimpsing away as ignoring me. His gesture fuelled my anger.

“What the hell did you talk about?” I practically yelled.

“Because of your fucked-up attitude you don’t deserve to know!” He exclaimed stepping forward, until we almost met face to face.

“Come on, Louis–––Zayn complained. Just tell him… He’s honestly having a hard time,” he tried to mediate as he continued pulling back from me.

“Do you know what, mate? I’m sort of tired of you–––Louis asserted in sarcasm. We mainly talked about general things in life, and about me." I frowned in disconcert. “Yes, about me!–––he spat out. You are not the sole individual on this earth, Harry. And certainly the universe doesn’t spin around you!” I saw anger on his eyes. “Sometimes I frankly don’t understand how you managed to catch her attention, because you are this selfish, possessive, self-absorbed, childish, unsure little prick…”

“You are dead,” I grumbled, trying to escape Zayn’s grip, but his hands were forcefully grasped around me.

“Stop it, Harry. Let him speak!” He intervened, glancing at Louis, who was twisting his mouth, visibly annoyed. Louis glimpsed down, but quickly lifted his gaze back to me.

“But because I’m fair as I tell you this I also say I’m sure she’s in love with you–––Louis spoke in a shaky tone. But if you want her you’ll have to deserve her and grow up.”

“Says the adult,” I ironised, turning away.

“Look,” he cut me short, and I came to look him in the eye. I couldn’t deny his words had disconcerted me, making a massive impression in my mad state. “Maybe I’m a mess, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get to see stuff–––he explained softly. I can’t deal with my shit right now because this thing I chose four years ago is draining me to exhaustion–––his voice was gradually getting higher. Maybe this is my way to escape all this crap.” Both Zayn and I looked at him in total confusion. “What do I have to say more than I already did for you to trust me? Yes, she’s beautiful and I do care for her, and probably in another life I would have fought you for her, but now, she’s yours,” Louis claimed quietly. It was the first time he came clean about her impact on him, but it wasn’t half bad. His honesty somehow tranquillised my soul, and my stomach fluttered. “I’m exhausted of telling you this. I don’t know how it happened, but since the first moment I felt she has what you need to have this love, Harry, the love that transforms you into the person you are meant to be–––he said, turning impatient. It’s her, Harry… I know it, and you know it too. There’s something in her soul that feeds every single thing you feel hungry for… Beauty, grace, serenity, intelligence, passion, art.”

“That’s beautiful, mate–––Zayn mumbled. Harry, come on. Be reasonable…” He let go on me.

“Did she say something about the guy? Did she come for him?” Louis shook his head, knackered. Yes, I was a fool.

“Why didn’t you ask yourself?”

“I’m scared to ask–––I admitted quietly. Every time I ask I get an answer I don’t expect or absolutely hate.” From the language’s learning and the lovers to the day she watched ‘This Is Us;’ from her first time to the day we met in London. I didn’t insist because every single time I asked her something personal I ended up as almost walking the edge of a cliff. I couldn’t manage the shock anymore.

“No, she came because of her work. She values her work, and she takes it seriously. Either way, to be sure, I asked her if they were still friends and she said yes. But she didn’t tell me what happened between them, although she said life is too short for people to resent each other, and that it’s no good to carry that burden in one’s heart.” I raised my eyebrows, impressed. That absolutely sounded as ‘hippie’ Jeanne, but I didn’t like them to be friends. I didn’t trust Antoine at all. “While at the art gallery she introduced me to the Frenchy and I got the feeling that he’s all over her, and still very attached–––he scrunched his face–––but she’s not interested that way. It was so obvious with the guy trying to grab her and touch her all the time in front of me as marking the territory, and she kept avoiding him.” He and Zayn giggled, but I couldn’t share their enthusiasm. Louis noticed my reaction. “And no–––he told me reassuringly. I know what you’re thinking. She didn’t do it because of me, or because she thought I could tell you. Her body language was so obvious and the guy finally seemed to get the message.” I got to relax a little, but just a bit. He could be all over her again if the dinner party Jeanne was to attend that night were related to the exhibition. Why did she have to leave? “I think he looked for her and she agreed to do the work because it’s big, and pretty good, let’s face it.”

“Did you get to see the pictures?” I asked, my body visibly stiffening. I felt Zayn’s fingers on my elbow and shook them apart.

“Yes, and she explained the whole thing to me herself–––Louis said cautiously. If you want to be with her you need to manage your jealousy, Harry,” he warned me. I rolled my eyes at him. Why couldn’t he drop that patronising attitude? “She is who she is, and she’s so open and frank about it. You have to learn to overlook the fact that the world might see her naked. I’ve done it, and Niall.”

“Me and the rest of the boys too,” Zayn added up.

“What?” I snapped at him. Oh, God, no…

“Yes, Harry, we went there later to look for Louis and to see why was all the fuss about–––he explained acting as if it was nothing. But we didn’t get to meet her then.”

“How would you feel if it were Perrie?” I inquired, dejected. Why were they always meddling?

“This is Jeanne’s job, Harry–––Zayn asserted. Her body is her tool. I got to share Perrie too, you know, with her fans,” he retorted.

“But her body… with me…” I spoke almost to myself, shaking my head. Now I really got to understand the general enthusiasm towards her earlier, and I totally hated it.

“You are nowhere in sight when we picture the body,” Zayn joked lightly. I shot him a lop-sided glare. I thought the teasing would be finally over. Who cared about how I was feeling? The urge was stronger than their will. “Sorry…” He mumbled, looking at me in repentance.

“It’s not the same body, Harry,” Louis observed.

“Yes, it is!” I started again.

“Grow up!” He shouted, annoyed.

“Get over it, Harry, or you’ll lose her–––Zayn whinged. She’ll have to learn to share you with the fans too. I bet she’d manage ten times better than anyone.”

“Much more than El–––Louis muttered, looking into space. Her confidence is destroyed. She’s not the same person I fell in love with…” His hands where on his waist, and he seemed defeated. At that moment I felt terribly sorry for him. Zayn came closer and patted his back. So things were bad between them, and he felt guilty about the whole thing.

“Why didn’t you meet when you went to the art gallery?” I asked Zayn, trying to change the subject.

“Jeanne and I left to have a drink and a bite,” Louis answered on his behalf as he returned from his trance.

“So you took my lover on a date?–––I tried to speak in a neutral tone, but I couldn’t prevent my stomach from churning at the idea. Without a care on being spotted with her?”

“So they’re officially lovers–––Zayn cheered up. Good!”

“We weren’t spotted–––Louis said curtly. Contrary to you I’ve learnt to manage myself fairly well. And yes, I was trying to bring her around. You needed at least to talk. I guess it worked… You’re welcome,” he remarked in irony, gesturing courteously with his hand. I squinted at him and he did the same. I couldn’t express my gratitude towards him; not just yet.

“I got drunk and sent her two text messages,” I admitted, glancing down. Zayn couldn’t refrain a giggle. Yeah, I wasn’t very proud of myself either, but I was feeling like shit because of the Tommo.

“She just grabbed her phone to have a brief talk with her mother.” So she might have not seen them before getting into my room… That meant it was actually him fixing the mess he helped to create, as always.

“What did she say about me?” I asked in a sigh.

“‘I prefer not to talk about it,’” he let out mechanically.

“Again, Louis?” I blurted, exasperated, having a ‘get out of my kitchen’ moment all over again. God, he was so frustrating. “I thought we were making progress!”

“No, that’s what she said!” He motioned with his hands down. Zayn rolled his eyes as I nodded. Yes, I was a total jerk.

“And what did you do?”

“I spoke about you.” I flashed him a lop-sided gaze and moved my hand for him to carry on, unsure. “I told her you have potential.”

“You what?”

“Yeah, I told her you might become that man she pictures in her writing.” I shook my head ‘no’ between annoyed and hopeless.

“I can’t,” I simply said.

“Yes, you can, Harry–––Zayn told me. You started reading a while ago, and you are very into it. You just needed to find the right books… And you have an artistic sensitivity. You are good with photography and visual arts, and you’ll keep getting better.” Well, yeah, maybe, but…

“You once told me I don’t need to turn into her…” I mumbled.

“To feed your life with culture and art is not turning into her–––he remarked, very sure of his words. It’s developing your soul to be your best self. There are a lot of people like Jeanne, Harry, although maybe not in this business. Neither of us is saying that you have to get a Bachelor’s degree.” Louis nodded supportively. “You search what you like and just nourish yourself.”

“I do like reading–––I claimed. I hadn’t appreciated it before because you need to focus a lot, but I’m quieter now, more in the mood. The same with photography… I’d love to work black and white.” Somehow ‘La biguine’ had inspired me so much. “I know I can become a better songwriter…”

“You can, Harry,” Zayn shook my shoulder, grinning. I hadn’t noticed Louis had moved to open the door.

“Niall is here,” he said.

“Hey, Harry–––Niall claimed. I just wanted to tell you something I forgot yesterday. After I came out of the loo I went to talk to the curator of the exhibition and asked him for the photos…” At the idea my heart immediately raced inside my chest as my hands began to sweat.

“Why would you do that?” I asked stepping towards him.

“Because I thought you didn’t want other people to have them, that’s why!” He practically shouted to my face. They were pretty tired of my latest attitude.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered. Niall patted my back.

“Well, the guy told me Anne Darcy had already gotten in touch with them. Isn’t she your art consultant?”

“Look, you even have an art consultant,” Zayn gestured his hand to me.

“Yes, she is–––I snickered, pulling my iPhone from my pocket. Here. I have a text from her saying so, and that we’ll speak soon.” The boys cheered up and I couldn’t contain a grin. At least something had turned out all right. “Do they know I’m the buyer?”

“I don’t think so–––Niall shrugged. I insisted to have the name and he said it was an anonymous.”

“OK, then–––I sighed, relieved. I don’t want Jeanne to find out.” Niall smiled broadly and led his hand to my neck, giving me a reassuring shake. I had acted as an absolute psycho those days, but they were still by my side. I could never thank God enough for putting them in my path. I inwardly promised to myself I was going to learn to control my emotions, starting now. “Louis, do you really think she’s in love with me?” I said turning towards him. Louis smirked lightly.

“I’ve told everyone,” he just said. Then Niall’s words from the lobby flashed into my memory. ‘Do you really think she loves him, Tommo?’ Why couldn’t I notice the positive until it was too late? My focus was always so wrong. “And if I wasn’t sure enough I confirmed it today when I look at you standing together. You have the same substance…” His words touched me so deeply I couldn’t help but glance down to avoid showing my reaction too openly. I bit my lower lip. I just wanted to cry and squeeze my heart into my hand to prevent it from aching so much.

Soon after they came to look for us to sound check. That night at the concert I knew the boys were a bit intimidated by the possibility of Jeanne being in the audience. I didn’t know if she was there or not, but for some reason I sang ‘You And I’ with an emotion I had never felt before. For a moment it all seemed like a distant dream. The way she appeared and disappeared from my life was like a dream that in the morning is gone. I was ready to long for her.

–.–.–

Notes

After I heard 'Fool's Gold' I became convinced One Direction wrote FOUR for this story. Harry literally can't see two feet in front of him. Maybe you should stop listening to him then... The Tommo has been innocent throughout the whole story! But he's not Buddha in the mountain either ;)

Don't miss next chapter. This is getting intense. You don't imagine how much your lovely feedback helps me to write. I hope you had a happy Christmas! Thank you for sharing your time with this story, especially the new readers. It means the world to me. Love you all <3

Comments

miss you a lot friend,
message me sometime if you have the chance ❤️

You promised you would never make us wait for an update that long again... *cries*

Hello,

I hope your life is everything that you want it to be. It seems like the past couple of months have really changed my perspective of the world, and how much you need to appreciate the little things in life. You never know when life will snatch them away from you.

I have really appreciated all that you have done for me. I miss your constantly developing plot, and your infinitesimal points of detail. In other words, I miss this story so much.

I feel like so much has happened since the last time you updated. I hope you know that I am always eagerly awaiting your next chapter. Even if it's 5 years from now, and I am a fully licensed Speech Language Pathologist, I will try my best to keep up my support. Maybe next year while I am studying abroad in Italy you will find the motivation to continue. Who knows what's going to happen. Maybe I should take the quote from the t-shirt I am currently wearing. "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know you're gonna get."

Thanks,
Morgan

Morgan__Who Morgan__Who
2/13/18

Oh no, and then the moment came there's no next chapter anymore! What do I have to do with my spare time now?!
On a serious note: I loved loved looooooved your story so far. I loved the way the sequel wasn't the same as 'Dreaming of you'. Another timeset, other places, other people getting involved, and the tension being build up from the beginning till now. Their 'relationship' didn't went back to the way things were in France 4 years ago, it needed time to get together again and in a different way (happy about their love right now, but after 111 chapters I know things can change...). I really loved the way you wrote about Mark Owen as being Jeanne's 'Boyband crush'. I've been such a big fan of Take That and Mark was my first true love when I was 11 or so. His picture was hanging above my bed, wich I kissed goodnight every night. (I guess I've just spilled my age, haven't I? ;-) )
When I read the last comments, I think your last update was from 2 months ago. I really hope you can find the time, the energy and the inspiration to finish this story, because I'm hooked! Give me a warning when you'll write a book, I will be in front of the bookstore, waiting!

Love, Leah



leah leah
7/17/17

Dear You,

I've started reading this story two days ago. From the very first chapter I'm hooked and I can't stop reading. I don't want to go out, I don't want to sleep, I just want to read. Not to know how it will end actually, because I don't want it to end! So I try to find a balance between reading fast en making it last a little bit longer. I'm a fan of Harry from the day Sign of the times has released, so I have a lot of catching up to do. When you mention a song or a situation with One Direction, I look for it on Google or YouTube. So you're helping me to get to know the world of Harry and 1D, thank you for that! I've been to Paris a couple of times, It's such a beautiful city. I have good, romantic, memories of the times I've been there. You're writing about the city is so accurate and lively, it feels I'm there again by reading. My heart nearly broke for Harry and Jeanne when I read the last chapter of Dreaming of you. Happy to know there's a sequel, I going to start reading that now. I just wanted to write you this, because in the notes below the chapters you seem like a very nice, caring person. Thank you for writing such a beautiful story! (I hope my writing makes sence, English isn't my native language so I know I make a lot of mistakes. I'm sorry!)
Love, Leah

leah leah
7/15/17