Dreaming Of You // If I'm Still Dreaming

I hardly explained Louis what happened in Paris. I couldn’t talk about it. Not then. He mumbled something about Jeanne not being ready and we climbed up to the plane before somebody could spot us. I glimpsed around, grazing my itchy eyes and caught a sight of the rest of the boys motioning anxiously towards our direction. Louis was walking a bit ahead of me and did a gesture with his hand. I saw Niall looking down and regaining his seat. We walked to the back and Louis made me sit in my spot, putting my handbag in place. Pat was walking the corridor, and when he passed my side he just tapped my shoulder. I turned around and glanced to the window, hoping no one would come to talk to me.

Louis knelt down in front of me in his worried expression, patting my knee, and handed me a blanket. I covered myself with it, trying to get cosy, but I was just too gutted. I don’t even remember if we said any more words, but soon I stayed alone with my broken heart. Why? That was my only thought. Why had she done this to me? Why did she let things come this far to take it all away from me? How could she hurt me this way? Was it because she was in fact a man-eater as Eleanor suggested? No, it couldn’t be. I needed to stay away from those thoughts. She just wanted to take things slow. She needed to work on her PhD. I knew I’d get to see her again sooner or later, although I preferred sooner.

The launch of the US tour was so demanding I didn’t have the chance to mourn too much the first couple of days, and besides I needed to stay strong. She had rejected me, and I should be mad at her. I couldn’t let the blue overtake me. But I was missing her. I was missing her like mad. Part of me just couldn’t get used to the idea that I wasn’t with her anymore. I kept searching for her in bed in the middle of the night and mornings were absolute hell. Nothing could help me on that, and the truth is I was far from strong.

“I want a Mediterranean breakfast…” I sighed to myself in front of the buffet table, frustrated. Louis and Zayn were standing by my side, and discreetly grabbed their brows, looking away. “Why don’t we have tomato in here? I simply want bread, tomato and olive oil… Is that so difficult?” I complained, ignoring them.

“This is worse than I thought…” Zayn quietly remarked to Louis, who was shaking his head slowly, probably hiding his pity look from me.

Yes, I was gloomier and more random than ever. I had too many things on my mind, and the performance of everyday rituals as Twitter or Instagram was becoming a true torment. To put on a happy face when you feel like shit is simply the worse that can happen to you. I didn’t want to be around Twitter, but I was forced to by my circumstances. Liam and Louis were distressed because in their eyes I always post the wrong tweet, but who was worrying about them? I was mad because even if Jeanne hadn’t posted anything I knew she could be there, and seeing those guys constantly trying to get her attention was just too much for me. I didn’t need to be reminded how alluring she was. I was already perpetually assaulted by a thousand questions. Was she thinking of me? Was she checking on me in social media? Was she missing me as much as I was missing her? Of course not. I was the one obsessing.

Contrary to my first fear, the boys reacted to my rejection quite conspicuously. That means, no teasing, but I was so unused to the situation I was somehow missing it, even if I knew it would kill me. Against my better judgement I couldn’t help myself and fell asleep every night holding her slip close to my nose, but I had totally forgotten about Neuer's shirt. When I stole it from Jeanne’s drawer I didn’t even think of what I was going to do with it. I just wanted to take it away from her, so when I found it at the bottom of my handbag it was a shock all over again. I could have burned it to ashes as my first instinct instructed me, but something far more childish just crossed my mind. Perhaps I was just trying to get mad enough to be able to take her out of my system, because anything else seemed to work.

I stripped to my jeans, calmly put the long sleeves football shirt on, and stood in front of a mirror. My jaw literally dropped at my reflexion. Was the freaking guy even real? In my astonishment I came out of my room and walked to the lounge area staring at my arms in disbelief. The fabric was exceeding me everywhere. I positively looked like a clown or much worse, like a scarecrow. When he saw me coming Niall bent down dramatically over his stomach, cackling furiously. Louis and Liam stared at me puzzled. After a second Louis shyly lifted his index finger to me.

“Is that what I think it is?” He muttered. Yeah, of course he’d know the badge, and besides, what else could it be? Liam looked at him inquiringly and immediately turned towards me, realising about everything.

“It is–––I said, completely extending my arms to my sides and glimpsing down at me. The guy is massive…”

Liam slammed his knee while leaning in, containing his laughter. Niall was struggling to restrain himself, coming to sit properly on the sofa, but kept snorting, covering his mouth with both hands. Louis’ face was priceless.

“Harry, are you nuts?” Liam giggled.

“I am, I know–––I sentenced slowly. I found it and couldn’t leave it there…” I noticed they were actually trying to control themselves. How odd was that?

“Take it off, Harry–––Niall mumbled forcing a serious tone. It’s just depressing.”

“Why did you try it on, mate?–––Louis asked, shaking his head ‘no.’ Of course it wouldn’t fit you. The guy is a 6-foot-5 Aryan…”

“I don’t know–––I shrugged. I just got curious.” Liam’s eyes went wide.

“You are masochist…” He whispered.

“You are, Harry…–––Louis said, but his expression turned evil. I think I can even picture the guy in a Nazi uniform,” he claimed sarcastically. Easiest German joke in the world.

“That is so politically incorrect…” Liam retorted, turning to look at him.

“Don’t be so sensitive, mate–––Louis squinted at him. I bet you didn’t complain when Harry used one for Halloween a few years ago…”

“Me?–––I scrunched my face, confused. I never wore a Nazi uniform…” What was he talking about?

“No, not you, Harry–––Louis pointed out. Prince Harry. The original Harry.” Oh, yeah. I wasn’t even the original.

–.–.–

Things between Louis and me seemed to have been fixed by themselves, and I was somehow relieved. Nonetheless I wasn’t quite in the mood to talk about anything. If something was going on with him and in his relationship, he certainly wasn’t shouting it to the rooftops, and I preferred not to know at the moment. It was impossible to think I could help someone in my mad state. Nobody even tried to talk to me about my issues for about a week, and I was pretty grateful. Just Louis was up to the challenge, but discreetly. Not his style though, but at least he was trying. I only asked him to keep it quiet with Eleanor. I didn’t want to reinforce ideas in her head, though I wasn’t sure they were actually talking at all.

I could be physically there, but my mind was in another dimension. I kept staring longingly at Jeanne’s number for what felt like hours, and hopelessly checking the site for an update or a message. Nothing, again. Absolute blank… How could she be like this? What was going on with her and in her life? I just needed to know… To my luck I successfully struggled not to reread our chat. It would have been too hurting when just the thought of her was enough to bring the familiar sting to unease my heart every time, even when I was managing to focus on something else… Because I had to continue working, and very hard. The only moment that was one hundred percent Jeanne-free was on stage during the shows. It’s the one place I have to disconnect. On stage it is just me and the boys, in absolute harmony with the fans. Couldn’t I ask for more then? At least afterwards I was exhausted. Yes, I still had some strength to look at her photos on my iPhone though. But most nights it was just me there, lying in bed with my hands on my face, replaying everything we did together in my mind, remembering Jeanne kissing that German guy until I fell asleep… I couldn’t stop picturing it once it returned to me. God, she was just so hot even in that memory. I wondered if we looked so hot together. Pat’s words on the subject definitely made me feel a bit better. We shared something. We did.

Far from strong and random, but I was doing my job, and nobody could complain about that, even Liam. I knew they all wanted to give me their five pennies on the matter. They’re no mystery to me. They basically are like four old ladies, and love to meddle more than anything else. It was just a matter of time. It didn’t surprise me that Liam was the first one to break the seal, but what he said startled me as never before.

“How are you doing, mate?” He said coming to sit next to me. I automatically closed Jeanne’s contact on my iPhone and glanced at him, a bit pissed. “Is your mum arriving soon?”

“In two days, to our show in Washington…” I muttered, pushing my mobile on my pocket, from which it should never have come out.

“Are you looking forward to it?–––he thoughtfully asked. Mums can be pretty heavy in a moment like this…” Liam tilted his head to me.

“I think it’ll be OK. I’ve been missing her, and Gemma–––I said slowly–––as I didn’t spend my holiday with them…” There I was sounding all shaky again. God, I was so weak. Liam flashed me a sympathetic gaze, pressing his lips together.

“Sorry, mate,” he mumbled. Yeah, I knew that. Everybody was feeling sorry for me. Exactly what I needed. “Louis told us everything, Harry.” Well, that didn’t surprise me at all. “It’s not that bad that she wants to keep things casual… Lou is probably right, and Jeanne just needs some time. This is hard on them, Harry. More than you think. I don’t think you fully get it…”

“I don’t know, mate–––I whispered turning away and tucking my hair behind my ear. I don’t want to think about it but she manages to be everywhere…” I complained, although things weren’t exactly that way.

“Harry, you miss her, and your heart is having a bit of a rough time–––Liam claimed, placing a hand on my shoulder. Give it a rest–––he said quietly. Maybe if you stop checking on her it would be easier on you.” Yeah, they were well aware. How should they not? Privacy is a non-existing concept around here. “Why don’t you let that to us?–––he asked. I promise you we’ll tell you if something comes up.”

“I don’t know if I can–––I admitted. It helps me to feel her closer.” I was missing her as hell, but as tough as it was I didn’t want her to fade away from my senses.

“You are just hurting yourself even more than she did–––he said cautiously, trying not to upset me. Nothing good can come from obsessing…” I knew he was right, but I always get caught in situations like this. It seems I’m always looking for trouble. “Now, I know you might not want to speak about this, but Louis told me you didn’t tell Jeanne about that night in London…”

“I couldn’t–––I stammered, looking at my fingers confusedly playing over my lap. Maybe I should have. I don’t know… Considering what happened later maybe I did the right thing.” God, everything was just so overwhelming.

“I’m sorry I didn’t recognise her–––Liam mused. It was too long ago…”

“Come on, Liam–––I blurted. No one expects you to be so perfect. I didn’t recognise her either. How should I expect other thing from you?”

“Yes, but it would have made things easier on you…” I tilted my head at him, giving him an annoyed look. “OK,” he muttered.

“What would have made things easier on me is that she’d have chosen me instead of the German guy that night…” She had been so close I shuddered to the memory for the thousandth time.

“Yes, maybe–––Liam meditated. It would have been as a dream, but things happen for a reason, Harry, and you still managed to find her anyway…” That was one wishful thought.

“But she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me,” I squinted at him.

“Look, Harry, maybe I shouldn’t be telling you this right now, but I’m going to tell you anyway–––Liam stated. I don’t know much about going to the University. Sadly, I missed it, but Sophia does, and you don’t imagine how seriously she takes the issue–––he explained. Jeanne has built a milestone of her life around you. You gave her something, and even if she hasn’t been a proper fan she stuck around. It can’t be a coincidence she chose to write about you,” he pointed out. I glanced at him, confused. “Yeah, I know what she told you about it when you met her, but this is too big. You inspired her, and I’m sorry but this is as close as you can get to fall for somebody you don’t actually know.”

“Liam…” I mumbled, absolutely stunned.

“Harry, yes, this situation is new to all of us, but I can’t stand to see you sulking–––he let out in a serious tone. To feel like you do, you have to sense the same feelings on the other person. If you don’t, your soul doesn’t flow.” He made a brief pause, glancing at me, and it all came down on me again. I fought my trembling lower lip. “If you are in love with her then she has to be there too–––he said. I know you are obsessing over her, but are you in love with Jeanne?”

–.–.–

Notes

Random Harry! Gotta love him! xD Well, what do you think about Liam's logic? Isn't he a hopeless romantic too? Do you think love and obsession have different natures or one necessarily comes with the other?

Thank you for all the lovely comments you left in my previous update! You know your feedback keeps me motivated and helps me to realise how you sense the story, which is vital to me :) There won't be a story without you! If you are expecting just a lot of longing, love sick Harry for the next chapters, well, don't drop your guard ;) Thank you for sharing your time with this story. If you haven't, click the tenth star and become a friend!

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