Dreaming Of You // If I'm Still Dreaming

It had been suggested before but at that moment it just choked me. Love is such a big word… After the ceremony I roamed around the party greeting and talking to everyone, mainly trying to remain distant to my indiscreet mother and friends. I was troubled. I just wanted to get away from my thoughts but my thoughts were constantly forced to stay around.

“Hey, Harry–––Sophia said approaching me at the buffet table. How are you?” She asked brushing my arm affectionately. We had greeted each other before so all my alarms rang. “I’ve been told you are sort of seeing someone…” There we were again. “And one of ours…” She glanced at El, who was standing with some of Louis’ sisters a bit away from us.

“She’s getting her PhD, yes…” I mumbled, serving myself, trying for her to notice I wasn’t too much into the conversation.

“I would never have pictured you with a Doctor…” I glimpsed at her, uneasy. Somehow she perceived my reaction and smiled warmly. “But I guess everything is possible…” She carried on giggling.

“I guess it is…” I chuckled.

“But she is not only a Doctor; there’s something more about her, isn’t it?–––Sophia mused playfully. Would you show me a picture?” It felt nice Louis hadn’t ruined the introduction with everybody.

“She’s an art model,” I explained, leaving my plate over the table and pulling my iPhone from my pocket to search on the camera roll. But this time for some reason I chose another picture, one of Jeanne walking around the garden in her red bathing suit.

“Sounds magic…” Sophia mumbled getting closer. Yes, it was; threatening but magical in the same amount.

“This is she…” I said, handing her my mobile. Sophia watched it closely, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Oh, I see–––she claimed in a joyful tone. She’s quite a beauty. I wasn’t expecting any less from you…” I couldn’t help but giggle, and the desire of calling Jeanne I had all afternoon grew bigger. I was missing her so badly. Why couldn’t she come with me? “And she seems a nice person too,” Sophia carried on returning her attention to the picture.

“She is…”

“Is she willing to jump into this roller coaster?” She asked unthinkingly, handing me my iPhone back. Well, it was the obvious question for them to ask, even if it was a complete mystery to me. I felt my body stiffening up a bit, and breathed in.

“We haven’t spoken about it yet–––I muttered. I guess the conversation will come up soon.” Sophia was glancing at me expressionless, but suddenly her gaze filled up with worry.

“Harry, I’m aware we don’t know each other too well–––she said hesitantly–––but I think you are a great guy so I want to tell you something. Liam worries too much and it scares me sometimes. He knows what’s coming now that you are involved with someone but you don’t listen to him…” Her words made me stop dead.

“What?”

“Liam will try to prevent madness but I think this time he’s wrong–––Sophia explained. Deep down he knows he’s able to date freely because you bear all the weight. You being single gives some strange balance amongst the fans, but he won’t admit it and it’s unfair to you.” I frowned, confused. “Maybe before you didn’t know someone worthy on taking the risk, but if you do this time, don’t listen to him and do what your heart tells you. He has done the same but I know he’s getting worried about you…” There was the confirmation to what I was suspecting since Paris. “He just wants everyone to be OK and peace for One Direction to do the job properly but I guess he’s asking you too much. If you like this girl and she wants you, forget his precaution–––she asserted. He doesn’t have the right to ask you anything else than to show up at work sober…” Sophia laughed lightly.

“Sophia, I…”

“I don’t want him to be like this but it is out of my reach,” she interrupted me in a caring tone, looking for Liam in the crowd, but he was nowhere to be seen. I inwardly thanked she was such a chatterbox, because I really didn’t know what to say. “He loves you as a brother but he knows the day you truly fall in love it will be crazy so he fears it. He has nothing against Jeanne and he wants you to be happy, but he wants the common good and becomes a bit carried away on the task.” Yeah, I’d known that for years. And he can be as exhausting as Louis but in his own particular way. “You don’t need to tell me how he is–––she smiled, reaching for my arm. Don’t take him too seriously. Your fans need to learn to face the facts, all of them. And if they quit being fans I’m sorry, but they weren’t real fans. So forget about them, about your management and about Liam. Do what you feel…” Her hand slipped to mine and she gave me a reassuring grip. She hadn’t spoken to me like that before, probably because I never truly let her in, and I felt utterly guilty. She was trying to clear up Liam’s attitude towards me to prevent future conflicts.

“I’m sorry if I’ve been cold towards you in the past–––I mumbled, glimpsing at her. I know I can be… I didn’t know your mind, and it is my bad not being closer to you; I know it’s my bad…” I shook my head ‘no.’ Of course Liam had his reason to always feel a bit off. No one except Niall had taken the trouble to really get to know Sophia.

“Don’t worry–––she just said. I’m not as Liam.” Yeah, he can be a bit resentful. “Now, I want to warn you…” More? Sophia bent closer and discreetly spoke to my ear. “I know you have a super close relationship with Eleanor. She’s a sweet girl but I don’t really know what’s happening to her. I think she’s not too happy with all this…” Her finger drew a circle in front of me. I instinctively glanced up, looking for El. At that moment our eyes locked, but she quickly glimpsed away. What the hell was going on? “I’m guessing it has more to do with Louis than with you but you should know…” Wait. Was it about Jeanne? El looked back at me as I kept staring, transfixed on my spot. It didn’t make any sense… She hadn’t said anything to me in Portugal, and Louis even insinuated they continued talking about us during the week… Eleanor glanced down, uncomfortable, and I mirrored her action. It was so obvious.

“I thought she was OK…” I mumbled.

“By her remarks earlier I can tell she’s feeling a bit menaced by Jeanne,” Sophia said turning completely towards me. Remarks? What the hell has gotten into El to speak about Jeanne to others than her boyfriend or me? “Is there something wrong between her and Louis?”

“I don’t know…” I wasn’t sure about what was going on but I knew things weren’t OK.

“I think she’s jealous,” Sophia asserted, and I just let my head fall forward.

“Louis speaks too much about Jeanne–––I said in frustration. I just told him but he won’t listen…”

“Eleanor is taking his interest out of proportion–––she shook my arm lightly. I bet there’s nothing more.”

“He always sounded a bit more interested in Jeanne than the rest of the boys.” It was all his fault… El hated Jeanne because of him. I squirmed, frustrated, looking up to the sky.

“That’s because he’s Louis–––Sophia said as if she was trying to meditate with me. He’s more everything than you, guys…”

–.–.–

I wasn’t sure of anything anymore but I knew I needed to talk to El and try to mend Louis’ mess. Nonetheless Sophia suggested me to leave it for a more appropriate time, and she was probably right. After all we were at her mother-in-law’s wedding and for a fact she was looking a bit stressed… But I felt horrible. I didn’t want El to feel bad because of us two, and mainly I didn’t need to add more worries to my story with Jeanne. I was struggling too hard myself to figure out what to do about us to have people from outside bringing bad energy and even more doubts. It was unfair. It was so unfair.

“Looking smart, mate,” Liam said and lightly punched my stomach. Trying to hide from them had been absolutely useless.

“Not as much as you do…”

“Are you talking about this 'three pieces'?–––he joked, pinching the shoulders of his suit. It’s really nothing,” Liam flicked his hand at me. I tilted my head, and started to make a countdown in my head. “Is everything OK with Jeanne? Have you talked about the future?” I sighed.

“Don’t worry about the future, Liam–––I just told him, not sounding too annoyed. It’ll be just OK whatever happens between Jeanne and me…”

“OK–––Liam mouthed, raising his eyebrows. Remember you have to be here to catch our flight to the USA…”

“I know, Liam–––I interrupted him. It’s my work too, you know?”

“OK, I don’t want to bother you. I was just checking up…”

“Well, don’t–––I stated. It’s not necessary. You better go and spend your time with Sophia. She deserves it, and besides you suck at cricket.” We laughed. Yeah, I had been watching him for a while, and it was nothing but the truth. Who would have known it was one of those few things Mr. Perfect Payne wasn’t good at? “I wouldn’t be talking to you if Jeanne were around…”

“Why didn’t she come with you?” I rolled my eyes, but of course he wasn’t going to be the freaking exception.

“We are not there yet,” I cut it short.

“I see…” Liam smirked and I glared at him. “I’m not happy about it!” He said with his hands in a defensive attitude.

“Admit you feel a bit ambivalent towards this,” I confronted him, trying to act mature.

“Have you been talking to Sophia?” He asked, curious, but somehow he already knew the answer. I stepped closer, pulling my hands to my back, ready to hear him. “Well, I guess I am, a bit. But I told you before. It’s nothing against Jeanne, and I’m trying, Harry… I’m trying not to worry but it’s quite hard.” Well, at least he was being honest.

“I know I have to learn to relax but you do too…” I muttered. Liam threw his hand to my shoulder.

“This work is pure stress…” He mused.

“Not just pure stress–––I claimed. Don’t be unfair. You love what you do and it pays. You should be thankful and more care free.” Those words had been waiting to be said for too long.

“I know, I know–––Liam admitted. But I’m thankful… And Sophia. She worries about me.”

“She does,” I asserted, bowing my head to him.

“It is good to have someone who cares about you for a change…” He chuckled, holding me closer.

“I know–––I mumbled, glancing down. I want that too, but I don’t know…”

“Jeanne is a bit hard to crack, isn’t she?” Liam asked playfully.

“I don’t know what to think–––I shook my head ‘no.’ She’s so reticent to talk about feelings part of me fears she doesn’t want a relationship with me…”

“Could you blame her?–––Liam blurted, letting me go. Look at who you are, Harry… You are The Harry Styles–––he observed in a serious tone, looking for my gaze. You are going to be the most wanted male on the planet for at least a year or two. Keep it in mind when you try to talk about the subject. It’s hard on Sophia and I’m just Liam…” I had to admit to myself I never thought of that before. Even Jeanne could feel intimidated by stardom, and she sort of despised it already… Why everything had to be so complicated?

“Maybe I’m asking too much then…” I sighed.

“You want someone and it’s totally logical, Harry–––he ventured. Your urge is normal. But it won’t be easy neither on you nor Jeanne, the fans or us. Just be conscious about it…” Liam whispered as he brought back his hand to my shoulder. I looked straight into his eyes and shook my head from side to side.

“I said I’m going to learn to relax so I’m not worrying about it just now.”

–.–.–

Notes

They came and they tried to ruin our party. I'm a lover, no a hater, and I'm here to have fun. If you join the party, you'll become a friend. We're very friendly :)

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