Dreaming Of You // If I'm Still Dreaming

“Hello, son,” claims my mum from some distance as we approach each other. My palms are sweating. Why is she keeping that poker face? Is she still mad at me? Really? We both stop as I get in front of her. Thanks, God, she’s beginning to smirk. “Come here, sweetness–––she says pulling me into her embrace. How’s everything? How was France?” I giggle in joy as I rock her to the sides.

“Everything’s fine, Mum,” I tell her, resting my cheek on her head.

“Well, as you switched your time with your family to spend your holidays with her I want to know everything–––she complains pointing at me. Nobody’s speaking about anything else than Harry’s new girl…” She doesn’t name her… Some part of her is actually mad at me.

“She’s not my new girl–––I stammer. She’s Jeanne.”

“Oh, that’s new,” mum lets out, quite dejected. I frown. “You never contradict your mummy…” She grins, holding my waist. We begin to walk. “Harry, you know I have nothing personal against her–––mum explains. We’re a little sad, that’s all. Please, tell me about her,” she stops on her tracks, turning towards me. What should I have to say about Jeanne? That she comes from a liberal family? That she has weirder political ideas than a commie? That she doesn’t believe in God? That she has what you could call ‘relaxed morals’? And I could continue… “I’m dying to know–––mum insists–––and you don’t speak about her over the phone. Does she treat you well?” I know she’s just worried, and that I don’t need to tell her that.

“She does–––I state, smiling in reassurance. She’s special.”

“Special…” mum repeats eerily.

“She’s clever and loving, and she reads and laughs all the time…” Mum smiles quite mysteriously and I can’t help but feel a strange sensation around my heart.

“Someone told me she’s becoming a Doctor…” She says.

“In Literature, yes.” Her eyes sparkle.

“Do you have a photo of her?” I nod and she comes by my side as I pull from my iPhone to show her the same picture I showed to Lou. Mum watches the screen closely. I’m so glad I’ve taken this photo. “She seems lovely…–––mum mutters after a moment. She’s not exactly your type but that’s not a bad thing…” I squint at her as the memories of the Twitter affair crash into my mind.

“What do you mean?”

“It seems there’s a lot going on with her–––mum glances up at me. She’s a woman. She has a history… She’s not your typical two-faced.” For some reason her words are burning into my brain.

“Mum…” I mumble, puzzled.

“Do you know what, Harry?–––she interrupts me. I’m not very fond of lectures but maybe it is time to speak. Do you want to know why I think this might be good for you? Because she’s a complete person with a life on her own.” I glance at her in confusion. Where is this coming from? “She expects nothing from you, any benefit, not the same thing I could say about your previous conquest–––mum says in an affected tone. Everybody thought it was a stunt. Is that what you want for people to think?”

“I don’t care what people think…” I manage to say, trying to act carelessly.

“But I don’t want them to think my son is a fool who does things for publicity because I haven’t taught you that, and it’s unfair with whom you really are–––mum asserts. It gives a pretty pathetic image of you, son, and I don’t like it.” I’m startled, and I think it’s showing. “I prefer people to see you around a woman with brains so they can think: ‘Oh, he’s cute, but he has to be something else in order to make a clever woman fall in love with him,’” she carries on mindlessly. Do I have to prove myself to people? “Harry, people we surround with say a lot about who we are… What your fans think of you depends mostly on the girls you choose, and I must say, lately you are choosing poorly. Flings, and with those silly girls–––she whinges, moving her hand nervously. Again, personally I have nothing against them but to waste your time with them is idiotic.”

“You never told me that…” I mutter.

“Because it’s your life and I try to give you space to make your own decisions, but this is starting to affect the general perception of you so as your mother I demand you to be wiser,” she spits out. Why is she telling me these things just now?

“I don’t know if this is wiser…”

“You don’t know how to deal with a woman, so it is time to learn, my son–––mum claims, crossing her arms. And maybe you’ll grow up yourself and that would be a good thing. I don’t want an eternal teenager as a son. I raised you to become a good man but lately you forgot a bit about that.” My head is spinning around.

“Don’t be so harsh on me, Mum,” I demand softly.

“It is time to, Harry. I don’t want you to ruin your image because if I recall correctly you want to be around this business for a while–––she says lightening her tone as she reaches out for my cheek. Your image is a capital matter.”

“But they freak out every time I’m around somebody,” I mumble, somehow frustrated.

“Not all of them–––mum smiles. Not the ones who love you for what you do beyond your pretty face.” I hold her hand to keep it in my cheek.

“I don’t even know if Jeanne wants something serious with me–––I feel the urge to tell her after a brief pause, sighing. She’s so different…” Mum grins tenderly.

“Harry, every relationship is a work in progress–––she shakes her head ‘no.’ You learn from each other and you work on it. You are a bit lazy but maybe if she inspires you, you’ll take the trouble to try. Does she inspire you?”

“She does,” I say quietly. And so much…

“Are you falling for her?” I stop dead just to look at my mum straight into the eye. “Are you able to picture her as the one?” She insists. Why is she doing this to me? Her head is tilting. “If she keeps you interested maybe it’ll work out. You get bored so easily–––mum explains. It was always a challenge to keep you focused on something for more than five minutes…” We chuckle, because she’s right.

“Are you talking about Jeanne?” Robin says, creeping up on us. Thanks, God. “She’s nice, Harry,” he continues. Now I’m confused. “Louis showed me some pictures from her Twitter. She looks like a serious girl…”

“Woman,” mum corrects him as I frown.

“Could you give me a second?–––I mutter, grunting in my mind. I have to go to murder somebody…”

–.–.–

Louis Tomlinson. The strangest person I had met in all my life. The most outspoken, sharp, talented guy I know. The most irritating, nosy, irreverent friend I have. He had being giving me a hard time with Jeanne ever since he laid eyes on the freaking screen of my laptop back in Brazil… But even though I couldn’t understand him, I knew that feeling what I was feeling was unfair. Without Louis there wouldn’t be a Jeanne, and that’s the reason I endured him and respected his opinion, although it was obvious that things were going out of hand. Jeanne had warned me that something big was happening to him. I knew he wasn’t OK. But why didn’t he just speak with me? Why did he have to act like that, all suspicious and sneaky about her? It should be me telling people about her, not him. But it was him; it was always him since day one, first to Stan, then to the boys, and later even with Paul. And it was happening all over again and on a bigger scale… Was his attitude that rare as it seemed to me or was I seeing ghosts?

“Louis, are you showing photos of Jeanne around?–––I spat at him as I finally found him wandering around the garden, as he had been greeting everyone. How do you dare?” He looked me in the eye, surprised, and didn’t say a word. Instead he just started humming. I frowned, shaking my head ‘no.’ “What are you doing?” I scrunched my face at him. He kept on humming and nodding. “Come on, Louis…”

“Na, na, na, na, oh, yeah…” He chanted quietly at first. I scrunched my face even more. “Na, na, na, na, all right…” He carried on louder. I just bent back, rolling my eyes in annoyance. Was it possible? “Na, na, na, na, oh, yeah. Na, na, na, na, all right…” I looked at him in disbelief. “What?–––he interrupted himself mockingly. I hadn’t realised ‘Steal My Girl’ was about you…” He joked. He was the biggest jerk in the face of the earth. “But it is…” He giggled foolishly.

“Louis, why?” I mumbled. My level of frustration was impossibly higher.

“Why not?–––he snapped. Everybody loves you, Harry. We all feel happy for you, because we care… We are pretty thrilled. Even my mother, and it’s her wedding day…” I got to relax a little and rested my hands on my hips.

“Yeah, she said something to me when I went to greet her.”

“We are excited about this–––he said patting my tummy. Nothing more.” Louis placed a hand on my shoulder. When he spoke to me with that frankness and the clear gaze it was easy to forget about my suspicions. Why couldn’t he be like that all the time? “You feel too threatened, Harry.”

“I do,” I surrendered, glimpsing at him. He had been my best mate of four years. We knew everything about each other. Of course he wasn’t interested in Jeanne in that way, and I needed to let it all out. “I can’t help it, Louis. She’s just too much…–––I grabbed my brow. She terrifies me sometimes, because I can’t manage her past… The guys she has been with… The creepy man who took her flower.” Louis raised his eyebrows suddenly but kept his mouth shut. “Neither the freaking German goalkeeper, nor the fucking French guy she fell in love with… And the fact that she thinks about them with caring, and about you, and Niall, and the boys, and now even Pat…–––I admitted. Because even if she told me she likes me, I don’t know what it means and I have just one more week and then I’ll have to leave for months and she doesn’t give in and she acts like nothing is happening, and I don’t know what she wants but I know there’s this chance that she let me go as she has done with her other lovers…–––I blurted out, glancing down. Why would it be different with me? I don’t want to take it on anybody, but I can’t control myself. I don’t know what’s going to happen. You know how she is…” When I looked at him again I knew he had realised I was about to break down.

“Harry, you got till here, haven’t you?–––Louis tried to meditate with me, grasping the back of my neck. You were expecting much less, or maybe not…”

“I knew it somehow, Louis…–––I spoke quietly. I knew that she’d be all this and a lot more… And I am so besotted, Louis, so besotted–––I shook my head from side to side–––I can’t stand to look at her without holding her in my arms, and when she calls me Mouth my brain melts, and while I’m with her I think of crazy things, and I’m happy and miserable and ecstatic, all at the same time.” We stared in silence.

“That’s what happens when you fall in love.” My eyes went wide.

“Is this love?” I complained.

“Oh, Harry–––he sighed. You are so clueless. That’s what makes you this cute…”

–.–.–

Notes

I-think-I'm-falling Harry has too many balls in the air! I should give him some rest, but I won't because I love to see him struggle xD And you too! Admit it!–––What are the things Harry thinks of while with Jeanne? Any theory?–––This chapter is dedicated to my lovely friend @TheTroubledNeophyte. She was the one suggesting the coincidence between 'Steal My Girl' lyrics and Harry's attitude. Spot on, dear! I hope you liked it <3 More of Harry opening a bit is coming very soon!

If you haven't read it yet, don't miss I'm Still The Harry You Knew, now complete.

Thank you all for sharing your time with this story. It means the world to me. Please, let me hear your voice! Love you all!

Any story deserves hate