Dreaming Of You // If I'm Still Dreaming

Zayn was right. At some point I wasn’t getting anything anymore because I was absolutely annoyed by their attitude. I love them, but sometimes I just can't stand them, especially Louis when he decides to turn against me. He can be one hurtful bitch. But the real problem was they reached the conclusion––after a long dissertation––that there was a huge possibility for Jeanne not to believe in love. The mere idea came as a shock to me. It wasn’t surprising Zayn had deep thoughts on any matter, but it actually startled me that the rest of the boys did too, and were eager to discuss the subject. But as before, they didn’t seem to realise it was me they were talking about, my feelings and the feelings of the girl I liked.

My frustration towards Louis slowly faded away as I saw him reject one by one Liam and Niall’s arguments about Jeanne being a cynical, first of them identifying her with Laila’s preppy sister. To Louis, if some character had something from Jeanne that would be Harry: Flirty, deep, polyglot, great reader, music-lover. It was strange though, but he could be right. As she said once, art works with substances. Actually, everyone seemed to have a bit of her, even Miss Franzen and her reading glasses. And as the points of the love triangle hadn’t been set yet, knowing Jeanne, things weren’t going to be as simple as they seemed, so maybe it wouldn’t be Harry to screw it up.

Louis might be the greatest motherfucker of all times but deep down he seemed to really believe in what Jeanne and I had, and it just moved me every single time. Why was he acting so bipolar? I knew Eleanor was about to graduate, so they hadn’t spent much time together in the last months. Perhaps that was the reason of his constant annoyance. It would be a lot of stress on him having to face promotional activities of the tour in the morning and then catch a flight to England to be with her. Knowing how Louis works, his mind would be nowhere. And there was the Doncaster Rovers’ issue too. He was pretty confident on the takeover, but everything was still pending.

As I couldn’t ban the book club, by the end of the meeting I had promised myself I would never attend another, no matter how much they’d insist. I didn’t know if it made any sense. It was fiction after all. To overthink on something I didn’t fully understand was just frustrating and unnecessary, but by then damage was already done.

“You are in a long-term relationship and you are normal, not as Louis,” I told Zayn as I noticed he wasn’t going anywhere. He chuckled. Somehow he knew how I was feeling, and he was the only one I could address my fears openly without being labelled as pathetic. “Do you think they’re right? Do you think I have nothing to offer her?”

“No, Harry–––he muttered. Don’t listen to them. They’re just teasing you…” Yeah, they tease all the time, but even so…

“They’re right–––I mumbled. I am a boy and she’s such a woman.”

“Harry, they know nothing about women–––he said reassuringly. You are special, and Jeanne has seen that.” Yeah, but…

“Everyone’s special…” I shook my head ‘no.’

“What’s going on, Harry?–––Zayn cut me short. You usually are more confident.”

“I don’t know, man. They are right. I feel like I don’t get her most of the time, so I fear they are right about the whole thing–––I explained slowly, crushing my hands together. She’s so different to everyone I met before…”

“Because she doesn’t throw herself on your neck,” Zayn giggled.

“She does actually,” I cheekily grinned, suddenly feeling happy again as a thousand images of Jeanne on the task crashed in my mind.

“Not in the literal sense…” Zayn slightly squinted at me. ‘Oh,’ I thought, and shrugged. “Because she seems in control…” He carried on.

“I only feel confident around her when we make love…–––I reluctantly admitted. They’re right about that. And when I make her laugh. If I think too much about it the rest of the time I hardly know how to behave around her.”

“And what’s the problem?–––he claimed, resolute. What’s wrong with having sex all the time? People actually fall in love over sex…” I raised my eyebrows.

“But sex is just a phase…”

“No, it’s not–––Zayn asserted, very sure of his words. Sex is a big part of a relationship. Having it… Longing for it… It’s a way of getting to know each other and to communicate. Why do you underestimate that?” Well, I was longing already, for sure.

“Isn’t just too little?” I asked, puzzled.

“Harry, you spent just like four days with her. I’d say it’s enough–––he snickered. And she wants to see you again and go on holidays with you. So I guess it is pretty much. Don’t listen to them–––Zayn insisted. I know how you feel. I’ve been there.” At his words my heart froze inside my chest. His eyes were tinkling in such manner. “You just want more and more of her–––he said softly. It is like a hunger…” Yes, a bottomless hunger.

“I feel so out of place all the time, even when I’m not with her…–––I mumbled. What’s going on with me?”

“She’s shaking your world…” My heart bounced up to my throat, and I felt as if I was actually falling.

“What?” I snapped, straightening up suddenly.

“She’s turning upside down everything you know, even yourself–––Zayn snickered again. But that’s how it happens, Harry. Just let it flow. Don’t become obsessed about it–––he pleaded. Do you know what, Harry?–––he said with a knuckle over his mouth after a brief pause. You should be reading poetry right now. Not to become like her–––he clarified–––but because there’s something special about reading poetry when you are feeling as you do.”

“I don’t have poetry to read,” I admitted.

“But I do–––he beamed. I’m giving you a book from Charles Bukoswki later. You’ll like it.” I smiled, and thanked to have him around. “Harry, forget your doubts. You don’t need to be alike to get each other. Things you could have in common are just the surface.” I laughed inwardly. How come he was in a boy band? Life is mad and twisted. Zayn smirked as if he knew what I was thinking. “In love, as Shakespeare said, what matters is the understanding of true minds–––he carried on. I don’t know her but I know you pretty well, so I can claim it: You have a true mind. You are genuine. You have no duplicity and that is what makes you truly appealing, not this angel face,” he said, pinching my cheek. We both laughed. I felt glad for him to think of me like that. He had so many more things in common with Jeanne than me.

“Are you quoting Shakespeare now?” I joked.

“Well, thank Jeanne for that–––he said. She made me want to read his sonnets again… What Shakespeare means is that love is about being honest and wanting the same, not to become the other.”

“I could never be like her. Jeanne breathes this stuff.” I threw my head back, defeated. “She’s just like this huge puzzle to me…”

“Harry, you just told me you feel pretty confident over sex…” Zayn observed in a cheeky tone.

“Yes.”

“So I guess that means you get along just well, let’s say, in bed…” He snickered, shaking my shoulder.

“Yes.” I hadn’t been with that many girls, but none of them had shivered in my arms as Jeanne did. I knew that for sure.

“So you get her–––he claimed. At some great, deep point you get her. If you manage to make her come it means that you listen to her needs, so you understand her in some sort of mystic way.” My eyes narrowed. He was so right. Men take sex for granted because it seems so easy, but it is not. “And she knows it. And she wants more!”

“But I don’t know if we want the same,” I mumbled. But did I truly know what I wanted? “She told me she doesn’t do relationships and you sort of concluded she doesn’t believe in love.” Zayn rolled his eyes at me.

“Harry, no matter what we say, you know it is fiction. Jeanne is just pointing out stuff. She doesn’t necessarily mean what she writes. Love as a burden is a literary topic. And even in that scenario, which is merely mental, things evolve–––he shook his head. Focus on the positive–––he told me. By now you want the same. To be around each other. Believe me. I’m the engaged one…” He chuckled.

“And the one who does the more dope…” I mocked him and Zayn just pushed his head back, cackling.

“Dope is enlightening, my friend,” he retorted.

“Well, maybe on you, because on Louis…” We laughed hard on that one.

“Nothing can enlighten Louis–––Zayn went on with my joke. Well, just Eleanor. He’s a different person with her. She’s the only one close enough for him to be himself, without a mask, beyond jokes, beyond attitude.”

“Just Louis,” I muttered. And we were all sort of jealous of her for that.

–.–.–

We left Turin early, heading for Barcelona. At this moment I begin to relax a little because I know that next to Spain is Portugal, and then France, finally. I’ve been missing Jeanne as hell and she still doesn’t want to speak with me on the phone. I have never wrote so much in my entire life… I tried to occupy my mind to remain sane, and surrounded myself with people as I always do. I read Bukowski and commented it with Zayn, practiced boxing, and watched football, mainly with Niall and Louis, avoiding to speak too much about her, forcing me not to get caught up in longing, and especially trying not to overthink. Has it been easy? No, but I love my work and being able to do what I’m passionate about is so rewarding I feel almost guilty for my moodiness. The fans deserve my best, and I forget about the world when I’m on stage.

But I missed her and right now, because it is night time and I’m alone in my hotel bed, I miss her more than ever. I would love just to talk to her until we fall asleep, Jeanne’s fingers running through my forehead, and I know it’s coming soon, but as I reread her last message I feel this void inside my chest. I breathe in and begin to type an answer. ‘I have to learn to be away from her,’ I keep telling to myself. I don’t know how the boys can manage this situation.

ILoveTommoBear: Yeah, I’ve been enjoying Barcelona so far. This afternoon we went to Parc Güell and we just boxed around for a while. Great views, as you told me. What have you being doing? Niall is a bit upset because you haven’t updated your story.

Now let’s see if she answers. I hope she does. There’s no football tonight so she has to be home writing. I check on my iPhone. Mum has called while I was in the shower, and Gemma too. Everything would be so simple if Jeanne weren’t so headstrong and just gave me her number.

DreamingOfYou: Tell him I’m sorry; I’ve been working on my thesis.

She is home. I’m so glad she’s home… Like, I’m not a caveman but I’m not very fond of the idea of Jeanne being surrounded by those hipster guys hitting on her. But it’s not that I’m obsessing about it. I haven’t been checking on her Twitter constantly.

ILoveTommoBear: You have been thinking a lot about me then…

Let’s tease her a bit, just for fun.

DreamingOfYou: Necessarily.

‘Necessarily’… Jeanne, you like cheeky Harry. Don’t play hard on me just because I’m not next to you to stop everything with a kiss. I double my effort.

ILoveTommoBear: It would be easier on you if you just admitted it…

DreamingOfYou: What do I need to admit?

Answering with questions has to be some sort of therapist’s trick, and she masters the whole thing, but she knows I never give up… I bet she’s having a glass of wine.

ILoveTommoBear: That I’m always on your mind.

DreamingOfYou: Do you read minds now?

I’m seeing your grin, Jeanne Mars. You love these games as much as I do.

ILoveTommoBear: Well, everything you write is related to me. And your username just states it… So I guess I won’t be wrong if I say yes.

I’m a cheeky master. I check my spell before pressing submit.

DreamingOfYou: Are you trying to tell me something?

I squirm in bed. What is she talking about? What is she trying to do? God, she is devious…

ILoveTommoBear: Are you analysing me?

DreamingOfYou: Yes.

God, that is so sexy. I think I’ve never been analysed before, at least not consciously.

ILoveTommoBear: And what would I be trying to tell you?

DreamingOfYou: That you miss me…

She is so sexy… How come is she capable of turning everything around? Now I get to understand why Louis told me I was screwed with her being a psychologist. I will never be able to win one of these, so… I’ve been holding it back a whole week now, and she just managed to know anyway.

ILoveTommoBear: I do. I miss you. But you don’t need to twist things so much for me to tell you. You could just ask.

I’m one cheeky bastard.

–.–.–

Notes

Longing-cheeky Harry! Admit you love him! Come on, it be easier on you if you surrender ;) And Zayn! I totally saw him while writing that scene. Zayn is just so much to deal with. I hope you enjoyed reading this. Let me know your thoughts, OK?

I keep shouting out two of my favourite stories: Permanent and Until Next Time. Sadly yesterday I've been told @PVRIS has leukemia. But they caught the disease in time and she's starting chemo. Let's pray for her and help her cope supporting her touching story, Secure. We are family here.

OK, this week I received amazing feedback. @Morgan_Who, you are my most devoted commenter so you come first. I have no words to express my gratitude. @Ciao Niccie, you are an exceptional writer and your interest in this never ending Harry's POV is moving. @Love_Life, you are probably my youngest reader; I love your stories and I can't believe you are interested in this weird thing I write. @Softballchick79, you are an amazing writer and I enjoy your story and talking to you so much; you are amazing, girl. @afriendofjenny, what can I say about you? You are clever and sensitive as you are lovely; you have an amazing soul. @shygurl11, I'm amazed to find you here, and very glad; thank you for your words, they mean a lot coming from you. I really hope you stay around. @EleanorRigby, you are the reader everybody shoul have. I'm so glad to have you here! I will work harder for you ;) Thank you to all the readers of this story. I'd love to know you better, so, don't be shy and comment or message me! Love you all.

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