Dreaming Of You // If I'm Still Dreaming

Harry’s POV

I headed to Chalk Farm Station, where my car was parked, as a complete maniac. I barely managed to put my clothes back on. I needed to make it home. In what world saying those things would have been mildly acceptable? That’s not what I’ve been taught. The Bible teaches love is not proud. How could I ruin it like this? How could I be such an ass? I glimpse at the co-driver’s seat. I have to mend it. I have to… I don’t know if it’s clever, but I don’t care. I have to try. I won’t sit back and do nothing while I lose the love of my dreams.

No matter how strong my feelings for you are…

Those words she uttered amidst my tantrum are what’s keeping me alive. She has to listen to me. If I have to camp outside her house, I don’t care. I have to tell her. I have to let her know she’s too important for me to give up.

This time I risk it and drive all the way to her house, instead of going for a sure place to park. It must be an hour I left. I slam the door behind me, adjusting my waist. I won’t make the childish mistake of taking the fact that I parked right away as a sign. Jeanne is a greater force than London. As I stand at her doorstep again everything comes down on me at once. My life has been madness, and I thought slowing down would bring me back the peace I’d lost. But quite the opposite happened. I’ve gone astray, because I renounced my substance. I betrayed my dream… Making people happy has always been my reason to be. She did all this for me to be able to reach my potential without worries, and I let her down. So she had to come back and remind me a second time what I was missing. I ring the bell, but stay out of the view of the peephole to force an answer. All’s fair in love and war.

“Yes…?” At the sound of her sweet, unhurried voice my insides fall to pieces. I’ve said this many times, but this is it. This is my very last chance.

“Jeanne, it’s Harry…” I mutter. No response. Nothing. I move to stand in front of the door. “I know you probably don’t want to talk to me–––I begin to say. And I understand… I wouldn’t want to talk to myself either. I have no choice though,” I chuckle, glimpsing up. Not a single noise. How pretentious of me to expect a silly pun could spare my life. “Anyway… Since we met I’ve established a strange relationship with doors–––I carry on–––which is totally fine. I don’t mind speaking to this door…” As I didn’t mind speaking to her door in Paris either. No pride’s left. I’m here to mend that day. But what if she never opens? Despair engulfs my soul, making my strengths fail. “There’s something I need to share with you. It’s a little tale about me. Please, listen to me…” I beg, as I bow my head down, closing my eyes for a moment. Who am I trying to fool? I won’t be as lucky twice. She might not even be behind the door anymore… An unexpected brightness snaps me out of my thoughts. She turned the lights on… My heart races inside my chest. Please, Harry; don’t ruin it again. “I have a thing for women that appear and disappear from my life as if it’s been a dream–––I quickly compose myself. When I was twenty, I met a woman I didn’t understand most of the time, but that I loved anyway… You don’t need to understand art to love it–––I speak thoughtfully. When I was seventeen, an unknown girl at a club had me dreaming of her for months… But this goes far back to when I was less than a year old, and went on a family trip… A little girl with a long fringe got a crush on me, and the story would have disappeared forever if it wasn’t for a picture…” I feel my waist. I knew I shouldn’t take this to LA. “There’s no denial I’ve been lucky with the ladies, but that doesn’t mean I don’t believe there’s a special someone for everyone… What I never expected was to find this person not just once, but more than three times in the course of my life…” I move my body down, starting to crouch. “I didn’t expect her to find me time and time again… But you don’t know what I’m talking about.” I pull the envelope out of my poorly dried clothes. “This woman is you, Jeanne…” I claim and pause myself. I thought of telling her this a hundred times, but I never found the words. “Every time… Wherever I turn around, there’s you…” Jeanne and I are not that different after all. Some things are too overwhelming to communicate. “I was the baby at Clevedon Pier…” I push the worn-out, black and white picture halfway under the door, keeping it tightly against the floor, my heart rate out of control. I sense her pulling from the other side and release it, hopeful, because I feel her closer. “Your father sent it to my mum…” I sit down and unfold the piece of paper, as I’ve done a million times before. “It was attached to this…”

Dear Madame: As I said I would, I send you the picture of our sons. I don’t know how it happened. I think it was love at first sight. You see, Jeanne has the best of my wife, her intuition. She got deeply attached to your baby and she hadn’t done other than talk about him since we returned from England. Somehow it moved me to have her asking me ‘est-ce-que je peux le garder, papa ?’ while she held him around her little arms. ‘Can I keep him?’ There are many ways to love as individuals on this earth, but I hope one day she’ll learn that love is not about possession, but about freedom, for the highest gesture of love is the gesture of a mother letting go of the one she loves the most. Because as parents we know that sooner or later we’ll have to let them go to experience the world by themselves. Because we don’t know how long we’ll be around, as life is this unexpected force, this unexpected magic.

“He’d be so proud of you, Jeanne…” I raise my head. A single tear rolls down my face, as I pass her the letter. I hear her crying behind the door, and my lip starts to shake. “It’s not easy for me because I loved you, and it hurt me, but I get it….” She sobs even louder. I lead my fingers to the door, feeling the painted wood. “A little part inside of me never let go… God only knows what would’ve happened if we hadn’t met again, but from all the people in the world, Jeanne–––I shake my head–––I prefer to be happy with you… That little part of me knew you’d be back…” I don’t always listen, but my heart always knew. “I wrote this for your defence, but I never gave it to you.”

Dear Jeanne, I’m not good at these things. I should leave the writing to you because you are definitely better with words than I am. But I just wanted to say that I feel proud of you and I know that your words will take you far. As for me I still haven’t figured out what my new dream is, but I know for sure you are in it, as it has been since the beginning. I love you. This is real. Yours, Harry.

“I know you wanted the best for me–––I hold back the tears. I know you didn’t expect to cross paths with me again, but you did. Your words brought you back to me…” I come even closer to the door, sliding the note underneath. “But I don’t love you because of this, because of fate…–––I gesture with impotence. I love you because with you I feel things I never thought I’d feel, in a range that goes from the deepest pit of hell to touching the sky with full hands… How not to love you, when you made me see who I really am?–––I can’t help but whinge. I appreciate this time too… I do. I loved you then, it’s true… But I’ve fallen in love with you all over again…” Anxiety rises inside my chest. I cannot let it end like this. Come on, Harry; say it. “And I didn’t imagine it could be possible, but this time I love you even more, and it’s because I’ve fallen in love with your daughter too. I love her…” She has to believe me… “I don’t hold anything against her. I love her…” The palm of my hand comes to press fully against the door. “Please, my love. Let me love you…”

The moment I realise the last remaining obstacle between Jeanne and me begins to crumble I bounce on my feet. Time, misunderstanding and misfortune are suddenly nothing.

“Is that how you plan to call me…?” Jeanne mutters, her cardigan falling off her shoulder. My love…

“Yes,” I resolutely claim, petrified on my spot.

“I like it…” She shrugs. And it all feels like a dream, but I step inside, and without thinking twice I crash my lips on hers, both hands cupping her face. My eyelids drop at the contact. For how long have I been dying to do this? She slams the door at my back and throws her hands to my chest. Her moist, soft tongue swirls around mine, and I go weak, though I kiss her even harder. She tastes the same. “I never meant any harm….” As she speaks I kiss the salty flavour out her face. “I thought you’d forget about me…” I shake my head ‘no.’ Never in a million years.

“I missed you so much…” I talk against her lips. And by the way she kisses me back I can tell she feels the same. I could die right now.

“I love you…” She trembles against me. My heart can hardly take it, but I won’t stop kissing her. I hold her by the temples.

“I love you… I fucking love you, Jeanne…” If this is a dream, I don’t want to wake up.

“When did you learn all this?” I barely let her speak.

“A couple of weeks after you rejected me…” My hands roam to the nape of her neck and down her spine.

“That’s so cruel…” Cruel sums it up pretty well.

“It doesn’t matter…–––I shake my head. I wouldn’t change a thing now that I have you in my arms like this…” She hurt me and I was equally unfair to her, judging her without knowing the entire story. But that’s not important anymore… Loving can mend, and we are the living proof of it, making out in the middle of this corridor, with everything on our side to make it right this time. It was like Pasternak said after all. I wouldn’t love her more if she had done things differently. “I dreamt of you every freaking night…” I mumble, my hands tugging at her waist, unsure about going all the way so quickly. I want to fuck her more than anything in the world, but I’m a grown-up. I have to control myself. “When it didn’t happen I meditated until you were the only thing in my mind and there was no other choice…” I return to her lips, but she steps back, eyelids fluttering, and suggestively leans against the door. She keeps doing this to me, and I fall for it every time.

“Touch me,” she says, as if she’d listened to my thoughts, stoking the fire inside of me. I stare into her eyes, coming to pin her, a leg between hers. I throw my hands to her butt and kiss her with the eagerness I’ve gathered for four long years. To have her like this after all this time… Jeanne's passion, her moaning in my mouth, her scent and touch numbing my brain… I take off her cardigan and lead my fingers to undo her delicate dress. Halfway along her chest I can’t stop myself and move my hands to fondle her breasts. A groan escapes my lips. It’s not that I’d forgotten about it, but God… Her firm yet soft flesh must be the most overwhelming sensation of all. She continues to unbutton her dress for me and I drop on my knees, dragging her knickers down with me, those minimal, familiar, lacy knickers I cherish, as I feel the back dimples. My heart is going to stop beating any time now. I glance up; her head falling to the side in gesture of abandonment, fingers running through my hair and holding me close. I slide my tongue on her, my senses completely filled by her whole self. Less than an hour ago I thought all was lost. But even time can be regained if we truly seek.

Jeanne starts writhing, her core smouldering in my mouth, but before I can carry on she moves aside and we stumble back to the massive Ottoman. I land amidst every graphic testimony of our story and watch her, deliciously naked in front of me. I couldn’t tell if a single feature has changed. She looks even more beautiful than ever, so much that I throb inside my jeans. The perspective of having her intimately always did something to my heart. Even if I’ve been starving for her, it forces me to slow down. I look into her eyes as she straddles me, and push her silky hair out of her face.

“Tell me again, Jeanne…” I plead, because I need reassurance. Tonight’s been so crazy part of me still believes this isn’t but a dream.

“I love you…” What does she do to me? In a second I’m in the verge of tears.

“Do you promise?–––I manage to murmur. Please, don’t hurt me…” Jeanne frowns, her wounded look upon the face. Holding my gaze she cups my jaw, and as she shakes her head, she kisses me with one of those kisses of hers. I know these kisses. They make me forget who I am. It’s not a dream. This is real… She loves me, and everything makes sense now. Every look, every touch, every contradictory feeling… I’m at peace. I release myself from my pants, while she pulls off my t-shirt for the second time in the night. She comes closer, her breasts grinding on me, and I go wild.

I run my arms around her back and hungrily pull her towards me. What happens next will never cease to amaze me. This… Us. Our bodies becoming the closest two bodies can be. I’ve longed for this like I never longed for anything else, and my heart isn’t fully able to apprehend it. Wet, warm Jeanne, sliding down on me, driving me out of mind… I forget about everything else and concentrate on her, her skin on mine, this friction, the pleasure…

“I tried to forget about you, but they were all lesser versions of what we had, of this…” Jeanne begins to rock herself on top of me, deep and steady, and I barely manage to keep my words coherent.

“I couldn’t even try…” She sighs. I hold her firmly against me and take up to her pace. I should her let do, as she knows how to drive me mad, but I can’t stop myself. I glance down and shudder at the sight of our pubes rubbing together.

“Tell me you love this…” I murmur confusedly.

“I do…” She says, her head falling backwards. Heat starts to spread from my crotch to my limbs, and all the way around my heart. This is happening fast, but after all we’ve been through, there’s no slowing down. Jeanne flexes her legs, increasing the intensity, and everything else seems to disappear.

“Tell me you love to feel the tip of my cock kissing your womb…” I tug at her hips, as the motion of our bodies becomes more urgent.

“Yes…” Her voice and the gesture of rapture of her face unleash a turmoil inside my heart. I’ve craved her pleasure, her words, so much. “How is it even better than I remember?”

“I’ve practiced…” Thrusting hard for her back to arch I lean to suck her breasts. “I fucked you in my dreams every night.” I straighten up with a cheeky grin, and Jeanne kisses me fervently. We melt into each other, the imminence of climax making us shiver. “I love you…” I say to her eyes before it all turns blurry and my chest explodes for relief. When I come back to my senses Jeanne’s body is still wrapped into mine, hot, palpitating, her head falling on my shoulder. I move my hand to stroke her hair. “What do we do now…?”

“You stay.” I close my eyes, and nuzzle my face in the crook of her neck.

“I’ve been waiting to hear that since 2014.”

–.–.–

Notes

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Happy 2017.

Love you all <3