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Dreaming Of You // If I'm Still Dreaming

'You have to blame me for everything'

Harry’s POV

“Harry…” My mum mutters, rather shaken. I was fixed on Jeanne’s bare back when I overheard their conversation. What are they talking about this time? “Louis just introduced me to Jeanne and I remembered you were acquainted…” She mumbles, glimpsing at her. Just now? I thought they met earlier… And always fucking Louis. So they were together all this time he’s been missing. He was with Jeanne… I look harder at her, but she doesn’t even turn around. She stays still as a sculpture, flashing me her white marble skin. “I was telling her dealing with attention hasn’t been easy…” Yeah, I don't know what I expected.

“Were you looking for him?” Jeanne says after clearing her throat, as she finally deigns to acknowledge me. I limit myself to nod. “He left with Liam for group pictures.”

“Great,” I tell her, faking a smile. Since the day I read her interview I’ve been really trying to listen to her, as it made me think I might have missed something, that there’s a lot more to Jeanne than meets the eye. And that’s exactly what I felt this morning when she told me about the job prospect and her crush on me. But it must have been wishful thinking all over again, because right after she completely snubbed me. She didn’t even glance at me once throughout my entire reading. I stood there like a total fool, basically reciting Shakespeare to her, and she just ignored me. Why do I keep setting myself up for disappointment? “OK, I’ll see you later, Mum,” I say without looking at Jeanne, and take a couple of steps back before turning away. I couldn’t be more crossed… She has zero issues to disappear with my former band mate, and talks to my mum as if they’ve known each other for years. My mum and Jeanne together… In Philadelphia it was all so fast I didn’t even realise I was in front of the two women I loved… What does it matter, Harry? It meant nothing, neither that day, nor today. But as I walk away I can’t let go, and glimpse back. I catch a sight of Jeanne turning around, and it looks as if mum were letting go of her wrist. I shake my head. This is nonsense.

I take the walkway to the cottage while adjusting my waistcoat. I look like an overly formal Ken doll. The last thing I need right now is having these pictures taken. What’s even the point? One Direction is long gone, and no one’s considering to bring it back. But Niall is such a hopeless romantic he still has to pay some sort of tribute, even if he’s a well-established solo act. I don’t think there’ll be a day I’m not at least ambivalent about it. As most life-changing experiences it was at the same time the best and worst thing that ever happened to me. I breathe in deeply by the nose to try to calm myself down, but as I’m such an unlucky bastard hay fever might be on its way. This day has been so long already. It’s a beautiful day, which is great for Niall and Erica, but I literally haven’t stopped. And after what happened last night and the fact that I barely slept, I’m knackered. I just want to go home. I want a shower and a book or a film on the sofa. Instead I’m stuck here with my bitterness… A fair figure standing next to a tree catches my attention. I spot Erica’s pregnant cousin bending over, and rush towards her.

“How are you?” I say as I get by her side, bending forward as well. She’s like, five months pregnant, and it looks like she’s got ill again. Her day has definitely been rougher than mine.

“Awful…” She manages to mumble, doubling over in a fit of heaving. I instinctively hold her by the waist, the free hand to her forehead for support.

“Forget that I’m here–––I reassure her. Do what you have to do. I promise I won’t tell.” She makes some noises, convulsing in my grip, but I discreetly glance away.

“Thank you…” She murmurs, covering her mouth, as she glimpses up.

“You look beautiful, by the way.” She must be feeling bad enough for me not to manifest I’m part of the group that finds pregnancy fascinating. Because I genuinely am. It’s a pity Gemma hasn’t settled down with anyone yet to make me an uncle, or that I’m not… that I’m not even close to becoming a father, and maybe I’ll never be. As I’m helping her to straighten up a sudden hand on my shoulder startles me.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Some bearded guy snaps at me, pushing me aside. Right. Because this is exactly what I need.

“Heath, stop–––she intervenes. He was helping me.” The guy faces me in a menacing attitude. Mate, I don’t kick your ass because both your wife and your kid are here, and it’s your cousin’s wedding. “What the fuck, Heath?–––she insists, shaking his arm, as he doesn’t respond. Did I marry a caveman?” At her question he stops dead to glance at her. I’m confused. We were introduced earlier, and he didn’t seem a twat. In fact I quite liked him. “I was feeling weak and he held me for me not to vomit my dress–––she explains, a bit more flustered than necessary, considering her condition. And he was nice enough to compliment me… So you should thank him instead of picking up a fight.” Yes, listen to your wife, mate. They tend to be right.

“Please, excuse me,” Heath whispers, glimpsing down. Everyone’s so pressed these days. Why…? Why can’t we just love each other? I see the boys popping up in the back, as he walks away.

“I’m so sorry, Harry…” Erica’s cousin tells me, quite embarrassed, before she follows her husband. It’s not her fault though, so I just nod at her. I can’t deal with more drama today. Everything’s delayed. Everything’s a mess. And I still have my best man’s toast to deliver.

“What happened, mate?” Zayn approaches me, worried, as does the rest. They must have witnessed at least the last part of the incident.

“You have to stop flirting with everyone, Harry–––Louis claims, provoking me–––especially with women that are pregnant.” I think this is the longest he has spoken to me in months. “I don’t know if you got the memo, but you are an adult now.”

“Look who’s fucking talking,” I observe under my breath, turning away. Man, doesn’t he love to tear me down. Literally, he never misses a chance.

“Shut up, Louis–––Liam pats his chest, his voice filled with irony. If I remember correctly you were drooling over Jeanne during the last stage of her pregnancy.” What? Louis’ eyes widen. “Sorry, mate–––he chuckles. It was pretty obvious.”

“You are a pathetic little nothing…” I tell Louis through gritted teeth, stepping towards him. How are those double standards? No way… No fucking way he’s the one alluded in Jeanne’s interview, which I must confess has been a recurring, uncomfortable thought.

“At least she considers me her close friend,” he protests to my face.

“I am her close friend.” I point to my chest, speaking very slowly. “And closer than you’ll ever be…” I add in disdain as I poke his. Louis grimaces, and I just want to smack him. “I don’t know what happened, Louis…” I shake my head. “But one fine day you started competing with me for Jeanne, and it really, really buggers me.”

“Because you are an egomaniac who sees competition everywhere–––he argues, all cocky. You had to be the first at everything… More solos, more fans, more followers.”

“You have to blame me for everything…” I murmur, half shutting my eyes. He most definitely blames me for Larry, when it was him who clung to me to stay relevant. “But let me tell you something, Louis… I don’t control things. That’s your delusion, not mine…” Louis glares. “All this stuff you mention happened without me looking for it. It just did…–––I shrug. But as I can admit positive things happen, like the general public liking me for no good reason, I’m also able to admit shit happens to me too.” My tone turns deeper. “Like, in New York, when Jeanne left with another guy right in front of me,” I speak right into his eyes, my soul narrowing at the memory. Everything went downhill since then. I sense Liam and Zayn shifting uncomfortably. Louis doesn’t even blink. “There… I don’t think I’m special. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“Jeanne didn’t leave with that guy…” He mutters, averting his gaze, and my heart sinks to my feet.

“What?” I step closer. The tension heightens.

“She finished her drink and left… She told me casually while having breakfast the next morning,” he tries to shrug it off.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I snap. I have to force myself not to grab him by the lapel of his coat, but I could kill him right now. It was him who pushed that idea on me. I remember as if it was yesterday.

“You didn’t ask–––Louis taunts me, unable to let go of his petulant self. And why would you care if you are just her close friend?” Too far.

“You, motherf…” I hold my tongue, but my body propels towards him almost involuntarily.

“Stop, Harry, stop,” Zayn blurts as he encircles my torso with both arms to prevent me from reaching Louis. But I do it anyway, and we began wrestling, first Zayn and then Liam intermingled between us.

“You don’t understand anything, do you?” Louis rages when they finally manage to split us up, a finger to his temple. Zayn makes me step away, my chest rising and falling confusedly because of the anger. Liam does the same with Louis, who keeps his crazy eyes on me. I fix my suit a bit. Not that this marmoset can cause a real damage. “Well, gentlemen–––he addresses us all. Now that you are already mad at me I have to break something to you.” We look at him, puzzled. What now, smart ass? “I’m writing my autobiography.” Zayn and I hold our breath in unison, as Liam just turns away, his signature’s defeat look on his face. “It started as a way to cope–––he explains, but that’s not going to change anything. Jeanne suggested the strategy, as she’s been helping me for a couple of years now.” I can’t do other than roll my eyes. What the literal fuck? So is it formal? Is she his headshrinker? “Anyway… I got a book deal so it’ll be in the printer around Christmas.”

“What?” Liam snaps. Jeanne… So that’s what the handwriting I found on her desk the day we worked on the screenplay… His notes. Well, I’ll be damned. My mind gets bombarded by so many possibilities I’m about to blank.

“Did you tell her about the closest Larry was from being real?” I mumble, beginning to shiver. Everyone glances around.

“That time those girls gave us simultaneous blow-jobs and we made eye contact for like a second?–––Louis ponders defiantly and snickers. Yes, she knows, and she also ruled it out from the book.” I glare. Is she some sort of editor then? “Everything I tell about you lads is pretty tamed. You don’t have to worry. It’s mostly about my feelings… So no hard feelings,” he chuckles over his own lame pun.

“What the fuck, Louis?”

“Oh, come on, Liam–––he retorts as exhausted. Don’t play offended with me. You almost called one of your offspring Larry, for fuck’s sake!”

“It’s not my fault Rachel’s uncle Larry passed away!” Liam blurts. Luckily they got Gary, Gene and Mick. Or One, Two, Three, according to Louis, in random order, of course, because he never calls them by same number twice. “You can’t compare both situations!”

“I fucking can and I fucking will!” Louis growls, walking forward. Liam grabs him by the lapel and they start throwing random slaps at each other. When are we going to grow up?

“Lads, just stop it–––Zayn intervenes, stepping between them. We’re at Niall’s wedding. Stop!” He tries to push them apart by the chest, but there’s no way. In the blink of an eye Liam punches Louis in the face, making him stumble back. Without thinking twice I run towards him, catching his fall. When he glances up there’s such hurting in his eyes I can’t help but feel terrible for every bad thought I’ve directed upon him lately. He stabs me in the back over and over, but I feel responsible for him. I can’t avoid it.

“I’m sorry–––Liam mumbles, rubbing his fist. I’ve been postponing this for almost too long.” I shake my head at him.

–.–.–

That was the worst photo session ever, and God knows we’ve got some bad ones. And the lunch was another level of struggle, as we were siting at the same table together. I don't know if we managed to keep Niall in the dark. He was ecstatic, so he might have not realised we were all mad and barely acknowledging each other. I can’t blame him. I’d be over the moon if life were smiling at me like this. On one hand, it is, with the movie, but on the other I’m barely holding on… After my paradoxically successful toast, I wandered about for the rest of the afternoon, greeting people to forget the situation I’m in. Everyone’s here, even Mark Owen, but as far as I know it didn’t have such an impact on Jeanne. She’s not easily shaken, and I won’t deny it’s one of the traits that appeal me the most. It’s always been this way. Even that first day in Paris she treated me as if I was just another guy drooling over her, because I was. That was all I was. Not famous, not followed, not desired… Just a guy with a crush hoping for the girl to reciprocate his feelings. The way she wasn’t intimidated by me, but quite the opposite; the way she tried to get rid of me… And to me suddenly, it was like being born again.

If we hadn’t talked this morning we wouldn’t have talked at all today. And I can’t understand why I’m not cool with it when I should be, and at the same time I’m mad, but I can't stop thinking about her. This is a disease… I’m standing in the middle of this stage, having to focus on what I’m doing, but instead I’m just looking for her amidst the crowd. I’ve already lost my tie and coat, and I’m quite tipsy. My hair is up in a bun and it’s getting darker, and I just want to go down and be with her before she leaves. Because she has a little daughter, so I know they’ll leave soon. But here is where I have to be, because this is my best mate’s day; this is Niall and Erica’s day and I owe them so much I don’t want to let them down. So I’m singing with Liam even if I’m mad at him for losing his temper, but I just keep searching to the frantic beat of the song in the hopes I catch a glimpse of Jeanne. When I finally do, I follow her with my stare, fearing she could disappear any time.

Where life’s river flows, no one really knows
‘Til someone’s there to show the way to lasting love.

She’s a vision, her fairy-like hair with the soft waves and the braids as a crown, dancing with Lara forehead to forehead. And no matter how crossed and frustrated I could have felt earlier on, this image alone is enough for me to fall to pieces.

Like the sun it shines, endlessly it shines,
You always will be my eternal love.

I see Louis approaching her and my heart skips a beat. He wouldn’t dare… He knows I’m here, and my feelings. He’s known my feelings for years, even before I acknowledged them myself. I watch him talk to her in the distance. She passes Lara to him and stays there glancing at them, palms together, beaming. When she turns towards the stage Louis makes eye contact with me. My heart rate picks up. He simply points at her once with his head, and then begins to dance around with Lara.

Whenever love went wrong ours would still be strong.
We’ll have our own everlasting love…

As Niall strums his guitar, without thinking twice I jump off of the stage. I make my way towards her amidst the crowd. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, but I can’t stop either. When I get to her she looks at me startled, her dreamy eyes shimmering. I just hold her in my arms and press my lips on her forehead.

This love will last forever.
This love will last forever.

“I’m so happy that you are back in my life, Jeanne,” I mumble against her skin, rocking her gently to the sides. I’m not even sure she hears me. I love her so much… Tears start pricking at my eyes. I just love you so much, Jeanne… I glimpse up, and it’s like I’ve gone astray inside a dream. They got mistletoe in June…

Open up your eyes, then you’ll realise
Here I stand in my everlasting love.

I’ll drop everything, whatever that’s left of jealousy and entitlement, so that she stays in my life. I promise… I don’t care in what terms she does, as long as she stays. My hands run to her face, and caressing her hair with my thumbs I place kisses on her head, lost in an ecstatic trance. The warmth of her body numbs my senses; her scent, her touch, her body relaxing on mine. No matter what, for me it’ll always be like this.

Open up your heart, feel the love you’ve got.

“I’m so happy to have you in my life.” No matter what…

Everlasting love.

Everlasting love.

Everlasting love…

–.–.–

Notes

Frantic chapter, confusing endings. I can't believe Harry is finally in the mental place to learn the truth that has barely managed to escape him. Will he be able to keep his promise?

You know it's coming, but you still don't know how it's going to blow. Thank you so much for reading. Your support means weekly updates! Love you all <3

Comments

miss you a lot friend,
message me sometime if you have the chance ❤️

You promised you would never make us wait for an update that long again... *cries*

Hello,

I hope your life is everything that you want it to be. It seems like the past couple of months have really changed my perspective of the world, and how much you need to appreciate the little things in life. You never know when life will snatch them away from you.

I have really appreciated all that you have done for me. I miss your constantly developing plot, and your infinitesimal points of detail. In other words, I miss this story so much.

I feel like so much has happened since the last time you updated. I hope you know that I am always eagerly awaiting your next chapter. Even if it's 5 years from now, and I am a fully licensed Speech Language Pathologist, I will try my best to keep up my support. Maybe next year while I am studying abroad in Italy you will find the motivation to continue. Who knows what's going to happen. Maybe I should take the quote from the t-shirt I am currently wearing. "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know you're gonna get."

Thanks,
Morgan

Morgan__Who Morgan__Who
2/13/18

Oh no, and then the moment came there's no next chapter anymore! What do I have to do with my spare time now?!
On a serious note: I loved loved looooooved your story so far. I loved the way the sequel wasn't the same as 'Dreaming of you'. Another timeset, other places, other people getting involved, and the tension being build up from the beginning till now. Their 'relationship' didn't went back to the way things were in France 4 years ago, it needed time to get together again and in a different way (happy about their love right now, but after 111 chapters I know things can change...). I really loved the way you wrote about Mark Owen as being Jeanne's 'Boyband crush'. I've been such a big fan of Take That and Mark was my first true love when I was 11 or so. His picture was hanging above my bed, wich I kissed goodnight every night. (I guess I've just spilled my age, haven't I? ;-) )
When I read the last comments, I think your last update was from 2 months ago. I really hope you can find the time, the energy and the inspiration to finish this story, because I'm hooked! Give me a warning when you'll write a book, I will be in front of the bookstore, waiting!

Love, Leah



leah leah
7/17/17

Dear You,

I've started reading this story two days ago. From the very first chapter I'm hooked and I can't stop reading. I don't want to go out, I don't want to sleep, I just want to read. Not to know how it will end actually, because I don't want it to end! So I try to find a balance between reading fast en making it last a little bit longer. I'm a fan of Harry from the day Sign of the times has released, so I have a lot of catching up to do. When you mention a song or a situation with One Direction, I look for it on Google or YouTube. So you're helping me to get to know the world of Harry and 1D, thank you for that! I've been to Paris a couple of times, It's such a beautiful city. I have good, romantic, memories of the times I've been there. You're writing about the city is so accurate and lively, it feels I'm there again by reading. My heart nearly broke for Harry and Jeanne when I read the last chapter of Dreaming of you. Happy to know there's a sequel, I going to start reading that now. I just wanted to write you this, because in the notes below the chapters you seem like a very nice, caring person. Thank you for writing such a beautiful story! (I hope my writing makes sence, English isn't my native language so I know I make a lot of mistakes. I'm sorry!)
Love, Leah

leah leah
7/15/17