Alter ➳ h.s

f i v e
when the sun dies
ember

“And when the sun dies,
I shall remember your name that
is burned into the back of my
corrupted mind.

You’re selfish and love no one,
but loved by all.
Through all your admiration, no one
will love you as much as I had.

I know that when the moon comes to life,
you will walk near my grave.
Although I might not remember your love or your face,
I will remember the name you made for yourself:
vanity.”

Ben read to me while I laid in his lap, his back pressed nicely against a tree. The water next to our small spot smelled of lilies, if that was possible. The checkered blanket I sat on made the grass comfortable. I picked the petals off of flowers, reciting, “He loves me, he loves me not,” in my head. It was funny, I’d always end up with the last petal telling me that he loved me. And I knew this for a fact. When the sun actually did die, we were left with a quiet night. Ben’s horse, our ride here from the car, was quietly breathing, attempting to sleep.

I think sometimes: what if it’s all in my head? I tell Josie things I see and hear, and she tells me that I’m just paranoid. Maybe this is just what I needed: a small, quiet night on the water, listening to a horse breath and demented poetry being read aloud. Looking up at the stars made me think they were going to speak to me. As if they’d made these certain shapes for this one night, this one time to tell me that I was either wrong or right. They never spoke up.

Ben finished his poem with a, “That’s all for now.” I’m sure that’s his adlib and not what the actual poem said, but I’m going along with it. He grunted while putting a pillow behind his head and laying down. Midnight crept closer and closer. “I will stay with you, no matter what.”

“I know.”

“I know you know. Listen, I just wanted you to know that before I told you something.” I sat up and shifted my mood a little. “I know I said I’d wait a little bit with you, but my parents are pissed. And the longer I wait, the longer it will take for my life to start.”

“Ben, just say it.”

“I’m going to New York for a few weeks. Just to check out NYU. I’m not even sure if I want to go, but I need to find somewhere. I love you, but—”

“But I can’t hold you back?” I assumed. I stood up and put on my sweater, the moment was ruined.

“Now you know that’s not what I was going to say. Ember!” I walked back to the horse, “You know it’s not really all my decision!” I decided to release the horse from the tree we’d tied it to and begin to ride the horse back to the barn where we’d gotten it, “But that is my horse! Ember, come back!” It took Ben about ten minutes to run back to the barn where we returned the horse to the owner and walked over to the car. I put on my seatbelt and sat there with my arms crossed. “You know you’re being irrational.”

“Yeah, well. Putting on a perfect night just to ruin it with you deciding to leave isn’t exactly the best thing to do.”

“You make it sound like I’m never coming back!” He looked at me, then back at the road. “Look, I’m not going to lie to you. If I like it, I’m moving. If I don’t, I’ll just go to a school closer in Indiana or even here in Michigan. But I need to go to school. I won’t get anywhere without it. As much as I love you, we both know that’s true.” We didn’t talk again until he pulled up to my house. “I love you. I’ll try and be over later tonight.” He kissed my cheek.

I got out of the car without reciting our daily verbal appreciation for the other’s love. I then texted it to him, because I felt bad. Once I got into the house, I found it absolutely silent. No usual fighting, no one speaking. I found that odd and certainly abnormal but took advantage of the silence and crept up to my room. I wasn’t sneaking in, but I wasn’t exactly in the mood to speak. When I got to my room, I peeled off my clothes and took a nice shower to relieve myself from the outside and horse smell. The lotion I used smelled like apparent birthday cake. My deodorant just plain baby powder, but I felt and smelled better.

I just wasn’t feeling as well emotionally. I knew that I was holding back Ben, I just didn’t expect the time I thought I had to disappear so quickly. I wasn’t able to get into my book before Ben called and explained that he couldn’t come out tonight. That he had to prepare a flight to leave in two days and packing all every other excuse towards leaving me he could. I just said okay and that I loved him. I also added that I was exhausted, which I wasn’t, and that I’d get a ride from Josie to work in the morning. He then said that that was better for him so he could stay up late and sleep in early, and that he, again, loved me. He hung up first.

I woke up the next morning prepared for work. Makeup done, hair done, and outfit as perfect as I could, I prepared myself for a car ride spent explaining. I greeted Jase while heading downstairs and locked the front door behind me before running to get into Josie’s car. “What’s wrong with you?”

“I’ve barely gotten into the car.”

“I know, but your attitude just killed my vibe. Explain.” So, I did. And it took the whole ten minute ride to work. “Yeah, but you know he has to—what the hell?” I wasn’t sure what she was talking about, but looking out the window proved to be the worst part of my day.

Girls, hundreds and hundreds of girls lined on the sidewalk outside four cars. They were back. “Jesus. I have to go. Thanks for the ride, Jo. Love you,” I got out and was nearly mauled. I got in using the back door and opened the doors, allowing security and police inside along with co-workers. Julia was pissed. Once the police cleared the way, they were all allowed in: Louis, Niall, Zayn, Harry, and Liam. Josie decided to stay since she didn’t have anything to do and Liam was here. I served them and we all took our own table since no one was allowed in. Julia, Josie, and I just sat there talking. “Jo, he won’t want you at the moment. He’s still a little heartbroken.”

“I can fix things, Em. Including a broken heart.” She went to get up but Julia and I pulled her down.

“Josie, you can bang down a boner. The most sensitive you’ve ever been was when you told Ember to suck it up when she broke her ankle.”

“I can be sensitive at times!”

“And you’re bad at keeping secrets,” I added.

“I can too keep secrets! I haven’t told anyone about that yeast infection you had when we were sixteen and you didn’t want your gynecologist to look at it!” My eyes widened at her very loud outburst. All of them turned around and looked at me. Harry had a sparkle in his eyes, a smile planted on his lips and he soon chuckled.

“I. Fucking. Hate. You.” But then again, I didn’t mind. Harry’s smile isn’t bad. He has one not like Ben’s. I thought Ben’s smile could heal the sick, but Harry’s could cure cancer and end world hunger. Too bad it doesn’t show as much. “Excuse me.” I quickly got up and went over to their table where they all had smirks, barely looking up at me. “In my defense, it was my first gyno visit, and I wasn’t exactly comfortable with another person other than myself looking at my vagina and concluding something is currently wrong with it. You feel that way when doctors look at your penis, so shut up!”

Louis said, “It’s okay, we get it. We’re just laughing at the fact that A) your friend shouted it and B) you felt the need to explain yourself. Meaning you didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of someone.” Everyone cleared their throats.

I cocked my head to the side. Tomlinson was smart, but not too smart. “Or, you know, I just didn’t want you all to think I was weird for not wanting a stranger to look and poke in my lower region. But thanks for the observation,” I smiled and walked back to the table where Josie apologised and still laughed at me. I bit the inside of my cheek while I read a text from Ben.

It read:

only flight left is for 4 am tmrw
see me one last time?
i love you

I sighed and didn’t answer. I read it aloud, knowing everyone could hear me, but I chose not to care anymore. “Aw,” Julia commented. “He obviously feels bad, and you kinda are holding him back, Em. You need to let him go do what he wants to do. It’s his choice, not yours.”

Josie and I stared at her and I replied, “Thanks, Dr. Phil.” I looked behind me, “Hey, you guys leaving anytime soon? We kinda have other customers.”

Harry looked behind at me and Niall said, “Yeah, we’re done right now, actually. Thanks for helping us survive.” Julia and I said our quick you’re welcome’s and told them to hurry before Josie got up, but it was too late.

She’d already made her way over to Liam. Oddly, he didn’t seem freaked out. They talked for a good five minutes to the point they sat down at their own table. That left Julia, Harry, Zayn, Louis, Niall, and I to find a large booth to sit at. The order of the seating was Harry, me, Zayn, Louis, Julia, then Niall. Harry seemed to want to explode in his own slight sweatiness. I knew it was whatever he had going on mentally, must not have taken his “special pills”. “Harry, you need some air?” Louis asked.

“No, I’m good. I just—nothing. I’m fine.”

And that’s how I knew that it wasn’t just a “girl thing” to say that you’re fine when you aren’t. Harry was a living breathing example of how less those words are starting to mean. You could see by his quivering lip, bouncing knee, sweaty palms, and constantly avoiding eye contact. Harry Famous Styles: nice face, nice smile, and seemingly nice personality. Harry Real Styles: afraid, alone, socially awkward, misplaced, misunderstood, terrible liar, and unloved by the right people. He was a mess that couldn’t easily be cleaned. And everyone—except Julia—at the table knew this too.

Notes

SORRY FOR PUTTING UP THE WRONG CHAPTER.. I'm a mess.. maybe writing four stories isn't my thing ugh

again, sorry to the millions of confused people of the world, because it was probably my fault

love you x