Study of Life and Love

Thea

I flipped through the pages in front of me, scanning the words before flipping again. My mind would barely focus on the words littering the pages. The more I flipped the more foreign the words grew.

“Are you even reading those notes?” Louis asked, reaching over to stop me from turning another page.

I flushed and pulled me hand out from under his. “Briefly.” I defended.

“Well do you want to briefly recount what you read in them?” Louis smirked, leaning back in his chair across from me.

I glanced around the quiet library before frowning at Louis. “I’m so done with this today.” I whined, closing my own book and pushing down the lid of my laptop.

“Do you want to get some lunch then?” Louis asked me, packing up his own pile of books and pens, shoving them all back into his bag quicker then I could.

“Can’t. I’m supposed to be meeting up with Indi and Caydance soon for lunch and a movie.” I told him, frowning at the table, wondering where the lid to my pen disappeared too.

“You owe me for that prank.” Louis whined.

I looked up at him and laughed, unable to keep the proud smile from my face. I had tricked the infamous Louis Tomlinson; I deserved bragging rights for a little while.

“I’m still wearing pink underwear since I haven’t had a chance to buy more.” He complained, crossing his arms and staring me down across the table.

I shook my head, containing my laughter. “Sorry Louis.”

He sighed; zipping up his back and flicking a pen lid my way. I grabbed it and pushed it onto my pen before grabbing my bag and standing up.

“Thanks for studying with me again, today. I know it’s probably not your favourite thing to do.” I said.

Louis frowned. “I like studying with you. I actually get things done.” Louis reached out to clap me on my shoulder and I tried to ignore how fast I had gone from not even on Louis Tomlinson’s radar to most definitely in the friendzone.

-

“The friendzone does not exist. It is a social construct created by men to take away a girls right at saying no.” Caydance growled at me as we walked out of the dark cinema and into the sunny streets. Indiana shuffled between the both of us while I waved Caydance off.

“I know, I know. I’m not saying it’s actually there, I’m just saying that if it existed I would definitely be in it.” I defended.

“Then don’t go there, or whatever. Look I don’t know what’s going on with Louis lately. But you’ve been crushing on him for ever and maybe he’s just not worth crushing on okay? Time to grow up and move on.” Caydance led the way to her car. Her eyes focused on her phone.

I shared a surprised look with Indiana. Yeah I knew that Caydance could be extremely self-involved and sometimes too full of headfast ideas that usually got a lot of people in trouble. But lately it was like there was no time for anyone else in her life but her romance with Harry. I didn’t realise I would ever miss Caydance butting into my life.

I climbed into the back of the car, hurt at how callous Caydance was being.

The short ride home was mostly silent, Caydance had turned the music up as soon as Indiana had started the car and sung loudly all the way home. I couldn’t help but sulk in the back, hating Caydance’s words. I already felt like a child enough, knowing that my stupid crush on Louis was starting to look pathetic, but it didn’t mean she had to shove it in my face.

Indiana was first out of the car when Caydance parked in the multi-level car park used by sororities and fraternities only. She nervously looked between Caydance and me. I rolled my eyes and resisted the urge to slap the phone out of Caydance’s hand.

“I’m going home. Have fun talking to a brick wall Indi.” I mumbled, turning and heading straight towards the stairs. I was down a level before I even heard Caydance reply.

I hesitated where to go but ultimately headed back to the house. I was in the mood for some chocolate and maybe curling up in bed for a bit. If I blamed it on study stress I’m sure someone would lay with me without asking questions.

I almost groaned in frustration when I walked into the house and was met with Louis, Liam and Sidney. Sidney’s eyes narrowed in my direction while I stood in the doorway, caught for a second before shutting the door behind me. I aimed straight for the stairs and past the small group.

I didn’t meet anyone’s eyes and trudged up the stairs. Avoiding sisters along the way before pushing through my doorway and climbing straight into bed. I hid under the top comforter and sighed into the darkness. I let the soothing nothingness surround me and attempt to bring peace.

It wasn’t long before a knock at my door interrupted my little cocoon and Sidney’s voice filled my room.

“I brought chocolate.”

I chewed my bottom lip before slowly pushing the comforter down to my neck and peering at Sidney in the afternoon light. She held in one hand, two family blocks of chocolate and a water bottle in the other. I made grabby hands for the chocolate.

She smiled and shut the door behind her before climbing onto my bed while I stayed under the comforter. Her eyes were concerned but she handed me one block of chocolate and placed the other and the water bottle down on my bedside table.

“Want to talk about it?” She asked after I took my first cube of chocolate and offered her a piece. Her free hand began running through my short blue hair and I relaxed into her touch.

“Am I an idiot for liking him?” I whispered into the safety of my bedroom, feeling safe and warm in my little area.

“Of course not.” She murmured without even asking whom we were talking about. “Did someone say something?”

“Caydance told me I should stop crushing on him.” I told her, taking another bit of chocolate to suck on.

Sidney sighed. “You and Caydance are too different sometimes and I think she forgets how much you aren’t her.” I didn’t understand what Sidney meant but I let her carry on. “You aren’t stupid for liking Louis. Caydance is just too happy with her new relationship that she’s sort of lost touch with the reality around her. She’ll come crashing down soon and go back to being the nosy Caydance we all love and cherish.” Sidney nosed into my hair, pressing a kiss to my hairline.

I shut my eyes and leant closer to her, pulling the comforter out so she could climb in.

“He doesn’t even notice me. Not in that way anyway. We hadn’t even talked before this year.”

“He definitely noticed your prank the other day.” Sidney snorted and I couldn’t help but laugh at the memories of his shock.

“I dyed my hair blue for him you know.” I said pathetically. “I wanted him to notice me and in a fit of absolute idiocy I bought a bottle of dye and dyed it. I thought that he would notice me if I stood out more. It was stupid but it worked, sorta.” I shrugged, feeling the uncomfortable flush of embarrassment at my confession.

“You do not need to change anything of yourself to get someone like Louis Tomlinson to notice you.” Sidney admonished. “You just need to be you and I can guarantee you that is why Louis is talking to you because of who you are, not because the colour of your hair. Louis probably doesn’t even realise when I get my hair highlighted and I’ve known him for five years.”

I smiled, breaking more chocolate off to eat. “Thanks for this.”

“It’s okay sweetie. Some times we just have these days.” Sidney pressed another kiss to my hairline and wrapped me up in her warm, strong arms.

-

I placed a hot cup of coffee on the table next to Sidney’s books and affectionately ran my fingers through her hair. She didn’t even move. Her body hunched forward, focused on the book in front of her. I smiled fondly before heading out the front door, craving onion rings.

There was a party tonight that Francis was throwing just for our three aligned houses. I could see them getting ready as I walked past, Perrie and Jessi waved at me from where they were hanging fairy lights around the front door. I waved back but kept walking, not wanting to be roped into helping. I moved around the back of the building on my way to the main food court.

I felt in a vulnerable mood today and I didn’t want to be stopped and have to find it within me to talk and care this morning. So I moved through the buildings behind the food court. Pass the toilets and the bins, I rounded a corner and stopped when I saw a couple standing just up further. Their voices travelled down the empty corridor.

“I can’t be seen with you. Not like this.”

“Come on, Riles. Just one kiss.”

I widened my eyes when I heard Liam’s voice and quickly jumped back around the corner. My heart was beating and I chanced a look back to make sure no one had noticed me.

Nope. Definitely not. They were too busy kissing. I inwardly groaned and smacked my head gently against the brick wall behind me. Why on Earth did I have to be the one that caught them?

Unless, I just turn the other way, walk back out to the food court and pretend this never happened. At all. I can lie to Sidney if she asks. Right?

I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders and marched back the way I came, resigning myself to running into other people while trying to get some onion rings.

While I stood in line I debated whether I should talk to Riley. Did I warn her that I knew, that she was being obvious? I needed to talk to someone but Caydance was being her self-involved self and I didn’t know who else to turn to that wouldn’t tell anyone else.

“Hey Thea.”

I waved as Cecile walked past me, her hands clasped onto a sandwich.

I turned before she completely left my sight. “Wait CC!” I called out, waving her back over so I didn’t lose my place in line.

“What’s up?” She headed back over to me. Her short blonde hair neatly tied into a ponytail on top of her head made her seem even taller then she was.

“Would it be weird if I asked you for advice on something?” I asked. I had run out of options, most people I knew were somehow involved with the houses and they would either tell me to tell Sidney or the gossip would get out. But Cecile had nothing tying her to anyone as far as I knew, and she wasn’t in the house systems and Indiana was friends with her. Indiana was friends with such a small amount of people that that had to mean something.

I grabbed my onion rings and we made our way to the Great Court. Sitting down in the shade of a tree and leaned our backs against it.

“So what do you need advice on?” Cecile carefully unfolded her sandwich from its wrapping and took one half of the already cut sandwich.

“Okay, well it’s to do with some rules that our house has and I saw someone breaking these rules and I don’t know what to do about it.” I picked at my onion rings, slightly annoyed that Liam and Riley had ruined my craving for them.

“Okay,” Cecile took a bite of her sandwich and munched slowly. “You know I’m going to need more then that right? Like what’s the rule that this person has broke?”

“We have a rule for the freshmen’s that they aren’t allowed to date.” I told her before taking a bite of one onion ring. It still tasted amazing.

“Really? Why on Earth is that a rule?”

“Helps with house bonding.” I shrugged at her before taking another onion ring.

Cecile rolled her eyes and tore into her sandwich further.

“So what, you caught one of your freshmen macking on someone, or on a date or something?” Cecile asked.

I snorted at her word choice. “The first one and I know the girl, and I don’t want her to get kicked out of the house, but if I tell Sidney, she has to get kicked out.”

Cecile frowned, her eyes staring at the half eaten sandwich in her hand. Her bottom lip pulled inwards, her teeth working at the skin slowly. “So you want my advice as to whether or not you should tell Sidney?”

I nodded.

Cecile put her sandwich onto the other one and stared around us for a moment before turning back to me. She seemed to be considering her options. “I think,” she began slowly, “that if you think this girl is good for the house and you or anyone else don’t want her to go. Then I think that maybe you don’t need to tell Sidney.”

I breathed a sigh of relief and slumped further down the tree. I needed someone else to tell me that lying was okay this time.

“Thank you.” I said. “I agree, I think I just needed someone else to agree with me. Someone who wouldn’t go tell Sidney if they didn’t agree.”

Cecile just smiled at me, her white teeth shining as she took another bite of her sandwich, some of the salad spilling out onto her lap.

“Not that I don’t think it’s awesome that you trust me enough to ask me something like that but, uh, why didn’t you just talk to Caydance? You guys are best friends right?”

I huffed at Cecile’s question. “Caydance has her own issues right now.” I murmured, watching as Zayn moved across the Great Court in a hurry, his bag banging against his hip repeatedly.

“Hey you should come to the Francis’ house party tonight.” I turned to Cecile. “And bring Indi.”

Cecile paused before grinning at me again. “That would be awesome.” She clapped her hands together in excitement making me laugh. It was nice to be around someone that still got excited at things that were the norm in the houses.

“I better go, actually. I have a class in ten minutes and I still have to get across campus.” Cecile stood up. I nodded and thanked her again for listening. She waved and ran off in the direction Zayn had come from.

Feeling much lighter, I turned back to my onion rings and pulled out my phone that was buried in the bottom of my bag. Swiping through the different games I had on it before settling on Candy Crush.

I sat there in the shade, enjoying the sounds of people chatting and walking around me. No one disturbed me while I cleared each row and level that I came across. My onion rings were finished in no time and I was starting to grow tired.

I threw my phone back in my bag and stood up. My eyes scanning the area around me, catching on the school inspiration quote of the day.

‘People learn something every day, and a lot of times it's that what they learned the day before was wrong.’
-Bill Vaughan


-

Indiana was drunk. I could see the red glaze of her eyes, the way her hips swung from side to side. But the most obvious part was how carefree she held herself. She was a constant bundle of tense body parts but right now, right now her hands were raised in the air, her waist more fluid and her steps were stumbles. It was adorable watching her try to move and talk.

“You, you,” she poked me in the chest, “are really nice to me.” She hiccupped and frowned, her eyes wandering the room before falling back to me. She brightened up like she had just seen me and promptly threw her arms around my neck.

“Oh ow, okay, okay.” I stumbled back and smacked my hip into the kitchen counter of Francis house. One of the girls who were pouring drinks shot me a worried look but otherwise focused back on the boy whose hand was almost up her skirt.

“Maybe we should get you some water,” I glanced around the kitchen and tried to shuffle us over towards the kitchen sink. Indiana was mumbling into my shoulder, but I couldn’t make out her words.

I grabbed an empty cup and rinsed it out before filling it up with tap water and passing it to the drunken girl She took it easily and downed it in one go without me even needing to prompt her.

“I think I get why my Father does this now.” Indiana smiled at me, and I froze where I stood.

“It’s like being numb. I can’t feel a thing.” As if to prove it, she brought a finger up to her face and poked her cheeks, then her top lip before breaking into laughter.

I met Zayn’s horrified expression over her head. His hands clenched at his sides, like he was unsure what he needed to do but he wanted to fix it.

“She needs water and fresh air and to not talk about her father Zayn.” I told him firmly but gently, squeezing his shoulder before passing the swaying, giggling girl over to him.

“Zayn’s going to look after you now, okay Indi?” I tucked her pixie hair behind her ears and met her glazed green eyes.

She looked at me, her eyes focusing on mine just for a moment, before she swayed forward so her forehead touched mine. “Zaynies too good to me,” she paused and began laughing again. “Zaynie, what a funny name.”

I shot Zayn a sympathetic look before stepping away and letting him deal with her. His hands were careful as the held her, reaching to grab another water before slowly leading her out of the room. Her feet dragged on the ground, occasionally tripping on something.

I turned back to the party around me and realised how much I was not in the mood to be here. I sighed and made my way through the house, debating whether anyone would notice if I left already.

I collided with another body and Louis’ laughter ran happily through my ears. I couldn’t help but smile into his bloodshot blue eyes. His brown hair was sweaty and he briefly rested it against my cheek before pulling back, his hands still holding onto my shoulders for support.

“Thea! Thea! I missed you so much.” He pressed a wet kiss to my cheek leaving me flushed and grinning like a fool.

“You’re drunk Lou.” I laughed, taking advantage of his unstableness and held onto his biceps.

“I have to tell you something though.” He leaned in closely and my heart rate accelerated so quickly it was almost painful. He was leaning closer and for a moment I swear his eyes flickered down to my lips before someone called his name. We both glanced over to see Eleanor standing there, smiling at the two of us, confusedly.

“Mind if I steal him for a bit?” Eleanor asked, she was sober, her hair immaculate and her clothes tight and short. I felt short and plump standing between her and Louis.

“Uh, sure.” I mumbled, stepping out of Louis’ hold. He frowned between the two of us. His fingers flexing when I pulled away before he seemed to find stability.

“Don’t go too far, I have to tell you something.” Louis called to me as I took steps back away from the ex couple. I smile at him but turned around a corner, not wanting to stand in Eleanor’s way.

Niall and Sidney were standing in a corner of the room. Neither of them talking and Niall was angrily downing a bottle of beer. I steered clear of the both of them and headed into another room. I hadn’t seen Caydance since we arrived when she noticed Harry and the both of them disappeared to God knows where.

Cecile was in this room, playing some drinking game with three other boys and seemed to be the one winning. She winked at me when I walked past her. I sighed and decided that I probably did need a drink for tonight.

I grabbed a cup from the girl pouring drinks, the boy from before whose hand was almost up her skirt was no where to be seen. I smiled at her before grabbing a bottle of water for Louis. He probably needed some water in his system.

I headed back into the room I had been with him earlier but he and Eleanor weren’t where they were before. I glanced around the people dancing on the dance floor and the couches surrounding it, but I couldn’t see him there.

I hesitated at the steps, but decided to check outside first.

There were couples everywhere littering the backyard. I tried not to peer too closely at what everyone was doing while a fresh breeze blew my small blue locks around my face.

Rhiannon’s boyfriend Connor walked past me and nodded his head. I reached out for his arm before he could disappear.

“Have you seen Louis?” I asked.

He snorted and waggled his eyebrows at me. “Yeah, he’s just there,” he pointed towards two people not far from us, pressed so tightly together I couldn’t tell where one began and the other one ended. “Looks like him and Eleanor are getting back together.” Connor laughed again and made his way inside.

I took a hesitant step back, my eyes refusing to move from where Louis and Eleanor made out. His body pressed against hers tightly, his hands cupping her face in such a gentle nature that it made me ache. Of course they would get back together, of course Louis would want her because she was tall and thin and beautiful and confident and I was nothing even close to any of that.

My heart didn’t beat so erratically anymore but it still ached. It hung there in my chest like it was on its last string and it was pulling and tugging and hurting my very soul. I dropped both drinks on the verandah railing and disappeared back inside the house. I didn’t want to be pathetic and be sick or cry in front of all these people. I just needed out.

I fought my way through the crowds. Past Cecile, and Sidney without a Niall. Past fiery red hair that was laughing loudly and openly with a curly haired boy, I wanted Caydance to notice, just for a moment that I wasn’t okay. But she didn’t, her eyes never straying from the boy in front of her. I fought my tears down and made it out the front of the house. The street was mostly empty and I quickly headed in the direction of Grace house, crossing the road and hastily rubbing at my eyes.

“Hey are you okay?” I looked up blearily at the leader of Emmanuel house, Daniel Alston. He looked concerned, taking a step forward with his hand raised, like he was going to comfort me. I flinched, unsure what he wanted. I had never talked to him before.

“Uh, Thea right?” He seemed unsure, but I nodded anyway. My eyes flickered from him to Grace house just meters behind him. I just wanted to go home but he was in my way.

“Is, uh, everything okay?” He seemed so uncomfortable trying to comfort me and I couldn’t help the smile that slipped through my tears. For a moment, just a moment, my heart felt that little bit lighter.

“I’m fine, thanks. I just want to go home.” I gestured behind him and he quickly took a step to the side. I took that as my time to go and hurried down the sidewalk, away from Daniel and into the warmth and safety of Grace house. No one was home. Everyone had been looking forward to the party at Francis and no one had wanted to be home. I let myself sniffle a little louder and made my way up the stairs.

The ache in my heart was coming back full force and I couldn’t forget the image of Louis holding her so gently, so reverently.

I felt like an idiot; the biggest idiot possible. Just because Louis was helping me study or talking to me this year didn’t mean that I got the big happily ever after with my stupid childish crush.

I groaned frustrated and shut my bedroom door behind me. I changed instantly into my pajamas and crawling underneath my quilt. I didn’t want to shower right now. I just wanted to be comfortable and warm and cry where no one could see me. I wanted to lay he and be pathetic and finally realise that Louis and I, were just never going to happen.

It was time to grow up.

It didn’t stop the way my heart clenched and my mind felt numb, though. The way my sobs shook my body and the utter loneliness that I felt crawl around me, surrounding me. Poking it’s way through my blankets and into my soul.

The music from Francis pounded down the street and I lay utterly alone and shattered.

Notes

So I'm actually unsure how proofread this is, but I'm really tired and I wanted to get this out and I've only read through like once... So sorry! Please be my editors tonight because I'm a little bit lazy :P