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LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

chapter 94


Harry's POV


"I wish I could just shake sense into you" Dr Sabrina enters the clinic from behind as I'm seated on the chair.



I don't even look up, I'm so embarrassed and ashamed that if I did look up at her I might just melt away.


"This is where it leads?" She sits down obviously pissed, "All the the lectures, all the thinking behind your improving, all the hard work you yourself put into it get away from this, this where you stop? It's all back to square one" she sighs taking out the file and noting down things. "I don't think I'm up for another session this week if all I'm going to get is this " she points at me shaking her head.


"I'm sorry! What else can I do?" I say stopping her.


"Why don't you start by telling me about why you thought this was a good idea? Anyways now I know why you've been into therapy thrice already and been transferred to other doctors. It's all crystal clear. Thank-you"


"It wasn't a good idea I know that"


"But you did it. If it weren't for a good idea you wouldn't have done it. Had you?" She loves to mock me


"Please doctor..." I sigh. I mean everybody who I meet just freaking talks about the thing. "I don't want to talk about this. Please."


"Oh that's good. What do you wanna talk about?" She acts like she really is interested.


"I'm serious" if I could just pull a poker face but I don't want to make her more angry!


"So am I" oh fuck she's mocking me again.. I've never met a therapist like her. The older ones didn't mock me. They're supposed to be more supporting.


I should tell her if she's not willing to be serious, "He isn't talking to me. It's been 3 days"


"I am not your relationship advisor Harry. And anyways why would you wanna listen to my advice?" She's been noting down I don't know what!


"I need your help. Please doctor" I will beg if I had to.


"How about you start helping yourself first and help your boyfriend Louis after that"


"What do you mean?" Her eyebrows crease.


"You heard me"


"But.." I don't know why she's acting so unknown to all those articles. It's been every fucking where. "Have you heard in the news?"


"About?" What a poker face.


"About him. It's everywhere from the past two days"


"Oh about Nick Grimshaw? Yes. I have" she writes down yet something.


"I don't know why he's doing that?"


"Maybe something happened" she shrugs casually writing down something again.


"Yeah maybe something did" and when I think of something that might have happened with him and that I'm aware of was that talk we had. I assumed it to be our last conversation and I still assume it be. It wouldn't have ended that bad if he'd just left. It wouldn't have involved crying.


"You know what? I know what would've happened"


"Why does that concern you?" She raises her eyebrow.


"I said no to him for final that day. He was so desperate that day. You wouldn't know, doctor. He asked me if he needed to beg to stay with me, if he needed to beg to stay mine he was ready to
do anything to stay, anything but I didn't let him"


"So isn't that really strong part on your side? Don't you think you were able to push away your weakness? You had a upper hand there. Don't you think?"


"He cried like he was a 10 year old desperate for a video game that his mum wouldn't buy for him. He was so so sorry in every word that exited his mouth"


"Harry? Are you listening to me?"


"He touched me. He touched me and only if I had the courage to touch him back and not just let him walk away. I shouldn't have let him walk away doctor" everything is a flash back.


"Harry do you have Louis' contact number on your visiting list?"


"Nick wanted to be forgiven, do you know that? If only I would've stopped and hugged him"


"Mr. Styles? I need Louis Tomlinson's contact number do you have it on your visiting list?"


"Lou? What? Louis'? Louis' contact number? Wh-why do you need it?" I don't even know why my heads spinning but everytime she takes louis' name I come back to this real world.


"I need to call him" she says noting down yet another thing.


"Why? What's the matter? Is there a problem?"


"I'm the one whose supposed to be asking the questions Mr. Styles" why is she calling me Mr. styles? I told her Harry was fine.


"Do-don't call him, please" anyways she can't call him just like that. He's worried out of his head already.


"Harry I don't think you're well enough for this session. You should head home"


"Do you have to go somewhere?" Why is she asking me to leave? She can't do that.


"No why?"


"Don't kick me out. You're the only one I talk to freely"


"I listen but I'm also suppose to advice you correctly through things and sometimes you're supposed to listen to them carefully and also apply them in real life"


"I try to though. Like really when you told me to not break up with him, I didn't break up with him"


"But what about when I told you to forget everything? I know it's not easy but you don't listen. What about when I told you to go and tell him whatever you feel? To tell him whatever has happened with you? To tell him that you take these sessions? To tell him that he means a lot to you? To tell him that you would be the same old you who would die every night as it gets darker and wake up again just to get to work? To tell him that you've been better since when he's around? To tell him that he really cares about you and he should also take care of himself? What about those times?"


"What are you talking about?"


"The same exact things we've discussed and you promised to do but you never did"


"I don't feel obligated to you. Why should I though? Why should I?"


"Well Harry. I really think you should head home. You're not in your case correct mindset to talk or take this seriously"


"You're always, always judging me. It's so difficult to sit in front of you and tell you stuff and then all I get back are judgements. That too to my face. How would you feel if I judged you by that watch you're wearing or that same lipstick you wear every single time. What would you do?"


She picks up the phone cradle and dials a code, "uh yes could you connect me to Dr John please?..OK" and she keeps it back.


"What are you doing?"


"Things I should've done already today"


"Are you threatening me?"


"What has gotten into you Harry? Who has done this to you? Did you have a fight with Louis? Did Gemma scold you? What is it?"


"Nothing happened okay" the phone rings and she picks up immediately.


"Good afternoon Dr. John. No..nothing...could you just send me Louis Tomlinson's contact number? He's been your patient....uh yes..oh OK...thank-you" and she keeps it back.


"Why are you doing this?" Please don't fucking call him.


"Why don't you just go back home and take some rest and relax your head and then we'll fix an appointment and then we'll meet? Heh? How's that sound?"


"I dont want to go home"


"Why Harry? What's the matter?" She senses trouble like I'm a snake and everytime she looks at me her worried look comes back.


"Louis. He hasn't talked to me since then and whenever I'm there like within his presence I feel guilty. Too guilty and then I give up trying to talk to him" this is what's been happening in the past three days. He enters the house I'm on the couch he looks at me dull, and then I look at him trying to say something and all that comes out is air and until I can muster up the courage again he's gone.


"Did you do something other than your stupid action to upset him?"


"Oh. I don't know. I don't know how much of a shit kind of a person I am. I'm sorry"


"That's not what I'm asking. Whats been done is done you can't help taking it back but you can always do something to make it alright? Can't you?"


"What should I do? He does not even give me a long enough look to say something. He just doesn't look at me" I could cry rivers right now just by the fact that he's not talking to me.


"You've upset him Harry" she said that as if I didn't know. Well maybe I didn't because I haven't done anything yet to make him happier.


"Way too much. I broke my promise, we had a deal. We made it just a week ago. It was after I came back from meeting Nick. I was crying. I couldn't handle myself. I was a little drunk. He took care of me like nobody has ever and maybe nobody would ever.He even scolded me about why I do what I do. Shit I fucked up bad doctor, I fucked up bad" oh my god why am I realising it just now.



"So now you know what you did. Tell him open heartily what you feel and why you did it. He'll understand. Don't you think?"


"I know he understands and that's why I don't want him to know. He understands even more than me. I've ruined his life enough in the past two months that if he knew this he'd just want to leave. He'd just want to be back to normal again and he'd wish he didn't know all this."


"You just don't want to tell him because you think he would leave you ad that is very wrong.
We've had enough conversations about this. He wouldn't leave and even if he does you can't stop it. We've discussed it


"That's the only thing I'm afraid of. I can't muster up the courage to fight for myself. I can't. I'm a loser. I wouldn't be able to stop him if he left"


"Look Harry. I can't tell you something that might falsely set your hopes high. But you don't know what would happen if you tell him. He has every right to know you."


"Yeah well but how"


Louis' POV
No matter how much I don't want to talk to him, every time he looks at me I get this sudden urge to just shake him up or make him vomit out what he's been hiding all this long.


I know i might be forcing it on him. I am of course I am. I was afraid of this. Exactly this. All this while I've been trying to not interfere with his 'personal space'. Trying to just keep my distance but it fucking happens right in front of me, when I'm preparing for dinner waiting for him to come out dressed fresh but he doesn't and all I get is his body floating in his own blood? Was that I was supposed to expect? Right when I think it's OK? Right when I think he's opening himself with me, all I get is this side of him which I can only imagine?


I haven't been able to sleep. And if he's been able to sleep after doing all this to himself then, I mean, he has the courage to repeat this shit again. He has it. If he just turns up to me to say sorry for what he's done doesn't mean I'll accept it. I can't. He has to know there's more to it than just accepting his sorry and letting it go like he spilled milk or something and his mom scolded him and he said sorry and it ends there. It can't be as simple as that.


It's 8:30 in the evening now and he hasn't returned yet. Maybe he's out there somewhere dying? Who knows? What am I supposed to expect?


You know what ? I shouldn't wait for him. I am hungry and I'll make something for myself.


After an hour when I'm done eating my noodles and am almost half asleep lying on the couch the door opens and a blurred image of him appears from behind the door. Is he smiling? I can't even figure out I'm so sleepy.


"I'm sorry I'm late. Should've called but my phone it's dead" he chuckles. That's not something to smile to. And you don't smile when you know you fucked up big time. "Uh Lou I got Chinese" Well good for him I already had mine.


I turn away from him. I'm too sleepy to do anything. I'm too sleepy have a conversation with him.
"Lou I got Chinese" his voice is just behind my head. It's like he sat on the table just beside
where I'm lying.


"Hey Louis.." He's quieter now. Why?


It stays silent for a while and I'm already having a dream where spaceships are underwater.


"Lou i- I wanted to talk to you"


"Just stop calling me that already!" I turn around all of a sudden startling him where he's sitting. Fuck! It was after so long I could close my eyes and not see his dead body floating in a bathtub and it was so good. It was so satisfying just like Coldplay's new music video for up and up. It was so satisfying.
"When will you know when to stop?!" I almost scream, "when will you actually fucking stop"


"I can't talk to you if you're going to swear all the while" he doesn't look at me when he says this. Do you know he's sitting just at an arms length away from me? "It doesn't make you more cool if you swear and me any less cool if I don't" he says this so low if I hadn't concentrated on what he was saying he would have to repeat.


"Is this highschool all of a sudden?" I don't get it. What's the big deal in swearing? "It's just out of habit Harry. How am I supposed to not swear that too when you make me want to bang my head against a wall!!" I feel my nerves piercing out of me.



He looks up a little horrified almost embarrassed, "I-i make you wanna do that?" He says it low yet again. If he wasn't such a slow talker I wouldn't have been able to read his lips.



"Yeah seriously! If I didn't have a choice I would've done that like long time back" I'm freaking serious right now.


"Wh-at choices do you have a-gainst banging your head?" He gulps down like his throat was dry. Am I scaring him? If I am that is good but hell no. I don't think I'm scary. Am I?


"Well first choice you already know. Second is..yeah sulking my ass down till it doesn't exist. But that's not a choice, you know, i love my puffy ass. I wouldn't sabotage it for a freak like you"


He chuckles his head shaking.


"What? That's funny to you?" He surprises me yet again. I'm here trying to not scream at him anymore because I scare him and now when I don't he laughs ?


"No. It isn't louis" he stops looking up. "It isn't"
He gulps again. What? Am I scaring him? His eyes are darker, sadder than the last time I saw them and his face it's a mixture of embarrassment and sadness. If I could touch him and it could all go away. But I'm no x-men.


I sit back, more than at an arms length now. But he leans forward, his elbows resting on his knees. If his shirt was unbuttoned I would've had a look at his tattoos. It's been long since I've had a look at that. Forget about touching them. Fuck where's my head going?


"Then what do you think this is? Heh?" I sigh. Fuck! His face. He looks at me this one way it messes me up inside.


He looks down at his hands. I look down too and his hands, they're shaking. Like he's scared. He's too scared. Am I making him scared? Do I scare him? Is that why he can't say things to me? Am I that difficult to talk to?


"Am I...-" I stop when he looks up all of a sudden


"Do you...do you wanna br-eak up with me?" He chokes at that word. My world just fell crashing beside me. There's a whole lot of crashing noises inside my head. Some of them even scream. My insides are loud, loud enough to explode my head. He really wants me bang my head on the wall.


"What?!" I lean forward. A foot away from his face. "What? Harry?" Fuck!


"Do you wanna break up with me?" He says it again. Fucking crazy. How does he have the courage? He immediately looks back at his hands. They're shaking more than before.


"What hell are you even talking about?" Seriously what the fuck?


"You know...I mean..you know" he wipes his hands at his thighs. He's sweating. Where the fuck did he get so much courage to come up here and ask me this shit kind of a question?
"I'm.." He begins gulping down again. Seriously, is he scared because of what he said or is he scared what I might say next or is he scared because I'm scaring him? "I was thinking you're upset with me and you might want to break up with me? You know after...after what I did" he shrugs. Such a professional.


"How the fuck can you even say that Harry!" I scream at his face. "How?!" I stand up moving away from him. "What the fuck Harry?" I just wish if my brains could burst open and I collapse right here I wouldn't have to hear all the shit he has to say.


"Stop it!" He gets up. "Stop swearing and cursing all the time. It wants to make me rip off my hair"


"That is so cool! You know what? I'm gonna say FUCK the number times I want to. Okay? You can't stop me. You can't do anything because I can't do anything about you" fuck him! Fuck this world! If I could just break things. Fuck! "Your problem is that I say fuck all the time and you know what's my problem? That you don't know what to say when. Do you think you should've said this right now?"


"Then what is it that you want? You don't wanna break up with me, you don't want to stop swearing.."


"Oh my God! Jesus Christ! Harry you think swearing is the perfect reason to break up? When I can give you 100 other reasons. Perfect reasons right now on your face!"


"Oh yes? Is that it. That's what you think. You have other reasons. Give me one!"


"The fact that your secrets are so dear to you that you would break up with me rather than just tell me. And they're not even secrets. They are your troubles and if you share them they're only going to help you. That's it! " I should right now so loud glasses break.


"What? You are so selfish. What do you have to do with my secrets. What benefit are you going to receive if you get to know my secrets?" His face is so red. He might just burst his vein. "Help me? Nothing has ever helped me more than me hurting myself. And you really want to stop me from getting hurt? That's what you want? Even I can't stop myself from doing that. It's so fucked up! You can't! Nobody can. Every time it's the same old feeling fucking me up inside if only I could rip it away. But it doesn't rip! That's what. It doesn't. I have these scars on me that don't let me forget it Louis! Nothing can ever make me forget it! Nothing! You wouldn't know how it feels" He screams and falls back on the couch! Fuck! Did I push him too much? I don't know. Oh my god he's crying. He's howling. How the fuck did he say I can't feel shit?



"Harry I know you hate selfish. But you're the one whose selfish now. You. Look at yourself. You think you're the only one whose been hurting. I sure wouldn't know how much It hurts to be you. I wouldn't know how much hurt you've been through. But I've been my share. You think I don't drink because I have some allergy? That's the stupidest excuse I've ever heard to not drink and you actually believe that? The fact that you believe I don't smoke either. Who the fuck doesn't smoke in the 21st century? It's 2016 dammit. And yes you think you've tried to kill yourself. Well I wouldn't know what you feel when you try that but I could probably lecture you for hours before I pass out just like those many times I have years before. I sure would know how a hospital smells like. I sure would know how it feels to feel the blood oozing out of you. I sure would know how it feels not to be able to feel anything when you're so drunk and stoned and you've stumbled at every corner of the street" fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. It's like a bulldozer hitting me on my face. Why am I even telling him this? He doesn't give a shit about me "How the fuck can you say I can't feel what you feel?! How can you judge me sitting in that position! Harry how?" If I could just click and vanish from here. If I could just do that. My heads bursting. For the first time yet I haven't wasted a tear drop on the shit that's happened to me. And I don't think I'm anymore going to. It's well and over.


He's calmer than before. He's sobbing digging himself in that couch his face hidden in his hands.


"Don't you fucking talk to me” he pauses taking in a breath, “…. ever now"

*********

Notes

NOTE:

*i feel the evil in me rising*

but people seriously i'm too sad, sad from the bottom of my heart, for both of them.

this is just fiction, that to 'fanfiction' and worse things happen in real life. worst i should say.

let me make it clear that here the subject RAPE is not being used for entertainment purposes. it cant be played like that. Its kind of being used as an awareness topic among our youth. i'm making you understand the consequences of it. how not to do such things. how not be the evil one and how we should try to respect each others private and personal space no matter how close we are.

we need to understand that the person you're try to bring this hate on, the person you just decided to rape because they wouldn't indulge in your advances and are against your decisions, is a whole another person, a human existing in the same world and environment as yours and has each and every single right the constitution provides its country's people.

In no manner and no one has given you the right to violate somebody else's environment or act against their consent.

the problems, the difficulties, the whole mental procedure, the whole seclusion its just worst and it keeps getting worse. just because you decided to RAPE someone (be it male or female) doesn't give you the right to do so. its just something pathetic. and in 65% of the cases you are raped by a known person and not a stranger.

Just dont RAPE anyone. Just dont do it.

Please be safe and carry that pepper spray with you. always!!

goodluck and all the best!
hope youlike the chapter.


PLEASE SHARE YOUR COMMENTS WITH ME! THANKYOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE.!!

Comments

Hi guys, if you are reading this fiction, please continue reading it on the new user id I have created. Which is "Boomelouu". The old one is "boomelou" The one I am using now. I shall be continuing the story there.

thankyou for all the love and support!

@LizzyM101
thanks for reading and staying!

@AlexxStylinosn28
Well, it has been the death of me!

JASLKDJGFLSKDJG these 119 chapters are gonna be the reason i fail schools,m fkjsdhabfkljsadhgf

@boomelou
I should be thanking you for writing such an interesting story. I love how its so unique and not like the other typical stories on this site. There much more depth to it. The chapters always keep me on my toes. PS I love love this chapter and Harry is trying to be brave and intimate with Louis.