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LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

chapter 90

Harry's pov


I don't even know how long I've been staring at the same spot because all I see now is big and small spots, all black and white, everywhere my eyes go. It hurts even. If I close my eyes they look a lot like I'm seeing something so far away yet so close that it visibly hurts my eyes.


If only I had slept the whole night yesterday instead of procrastinating what I said and what he said and what would result out of it at the end. If only I could turn around and apologize for the shit talk I did. I wish I just could because I feel so bad, so bad.


Louis was asleep when I left for office. Gemma asked if he was fine from what happened last night and I told her maybe he's not feeling well so he's still asleep but I don't anyways know why he was still asleep. And I even informed her that he won't be going to work today. I didn't tell her about his friends' wedding because I don't want to be the one intruding. I don't even know if this is intruding but I know it's better if he tells her himself.


The phone on my table rings forcing me out of my thought process.


"Mr. Styles?"


"Yes"


"Please be in the studio in a minute. Mr. Mark Ronson and Mr. Sam Smith have arrived"


"Yeah okay. Thank-you"


"Your welcome, sir"



It almost took me one and another half hours of discussing notes and then three more hours of in studio time to just get a tune which begins the song. Well they're hard working in their own way so I don't have any say in what kind of music they wanna make or how easy or how difficult they want it to be.They're good in what they do.


It's time for me to go home. But fuck. Louis still hasn't called me about his where abouts and I know nothing where he is. I'm sure there's nothing to worry about right now but seriously I know it's my fault but he could've just called me to tell me whether he's really where he wanted to be or something or just anything.


I'll call him when i'm done with wrapping up my work for today. I walk towards my office. When I reach my office room door I find it, kind of, creaked open. I pretty clearly remember i locked before i went to the studio. I don't know who entered my office because all that I know only Mr. Smith has the authority and my permission to go in like that or maybe it is the housekeeping staff who did go. But they wouldn't ever go like that, irresponsibly. I can't really think of anybody who would enter in without permission. I really can't.


I enter in and...what the fuCK?!


The room is full with bouquets of roses in red, pink, white and I turn to my left it has lilies on my desk. Who did this? What the fucking hell is this?


I walk towards the table picking up the card it has on the bouquet and it's says, "I'm really sorry
for the things I have done. Why don't we just forgive and forget?"
It's not even signed off I mean who is this fucking creep?



Wait. Fuck! Seriously? It has to be him. Who in the fucking world would ever want to do this. Would even dare to do this? I can't feel anything but anger and rage right now. How can he even like get to this fucking limit of sending me these roses. I mean, fuck him, why? Why doesn't he just go away and leave me the fuck alone to sob through whatever I have left in my life for God sake's. I hate him so fucking much I could stab him to death just by using a pen.


I can feel my heartbeat in my throat wanting to scream so loud glasses break and bells start ringing. This is like driving me nuts, crazy, mad..I don't know any other words that i can think off. My head is pounding so hard, if I close my eyes right now I'm sure as hell going blind.


If I could I would rip my hair off my scalp because it's just so cruel. He's so fucking sick at heart. I walk to the desk, thrashing down the lilies he's kept there. He doesn't deserve to touch something so beautiful, something created by God for natural and beautiful purposes.


"Look Harry..." The familiar fucking voice. It just brings back all of it. All of the screaming, all of the pain, all of the scratching, all of the running, all of the grabbing, all of it, just because I wanted to save myself from something, someone who ruined it and is ruining it till now standing right behind me. Who dares to do things nobody else ever would. Who dares to fight with me even when he knows, like crystal clear, it's all his fault. It's not even a fault anymore. It's a deed done in a really wrong way. Like really wrong.


I turn around ready to shove every bouquet so far up his ass all his teeth fall out.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" I scream at him. If I could just fucking laugh at his face but I can't give him that satisfaction of me being the one who accepts his apology.


"Can you sit? please?" He's walking in front of me now. He looks a little different than the ways I've seen him. He looks bad different. Like he hasn't been well the past couple of days. Air of worry passes me but then I'm fast enough to not get it into my head. Why do I care if he's been well or not? I don't. I seriously don't fucking care a single thing about him. Nothing. None.


"You don't tell me what to do in my office. You better get these packed up before I call the security for the last time because after that I'm getting the restraining order renewed." I slap it on his face. I don't know why I ever thought about cancelling the restraining order against him but now I realize it was a huge mistake on my part.


He turns around to shut the door and then he turns the knob to lock it. Fuck what is he doing?


"You don't ha-"


"Harry ! Harry please" he joins his hands in front of me. "I'm begging you. Just please.." I've never seen his eyes so dry but yet like if he had to cry, he'd cry rivers. He's never looked so pale in the few times I've seen him. He looks changed but do I care? Not a single bit.


I take a step back and I hit the desk. Shit!


"Hear me out once. You've never given me that chance. Just please? Once. That's all I need" He is begging me. Joining both his hands in front of me. Fuck! Why is he doing this? He knows it. He knows it well enough. Fuck. I can't let my ground shake, not now. Not after years of going through shit to make my self strong.


"Say it and leave" I gulp the lump down in my now dry throat. He steps closer. He's 2 feet away and I feel like these walls will move and collapse on both of us. Suddenly this room is too small. Too small for even to stand.


"Sit down and then we'll talk"


"I'm comfortable enough" I gulp again. I don't know what's making it dry again and again.


"I know I've done terrible terrible things which I can't take back.."


"It's good you know" I nod.


".. But I wish I just could. I know how much hate you have in your heart for me. I now it. I've seen it. I've felt it and I don't think it's your fault in any way. I know I'm worthy of whatever the way you want to treat me. And in this moment right here, I can't be thankful enough to you about letting me say my heart out..." What is he doing? He can't just bring up things like that. I feel it in my gut and no matter how much I want to hate him in his moment I know how much more I'll hate him after this moment of truth I gave him. I'm going to hate myself more than anything.


"...if I had a chance to take things back and change everything and make it better for you. I'd wait for it eternally.."


"These words don't suit you now, Nick" I scoff. I don't know even why I'm feeling this guilt inside me rise up right now. I don't know why he's still here talking. I should've just let him go and call the security instead.


"...I can totally understand the hate you've filled up for me but you'll never know how much I've hated myself for doing things I shouldn't have even thought of..." I want to laugh at his face. I don't know if this is just a realization or what but fuck! Why is he doing this. This is bad. This going to turn out bad. I cans sense it already



"I hate myself from the day I touched you. I hate myself from the day I even thought about it. I hate myself for everything I said to you. I hate myself for doing the the things I did which nobody would ever want to do to a person they love. I hate myself from the day I laid my eyes upon you Harry and now.." he pauses gulping in. He shuts his eyes and I feel the way he shudders standing in front of me. I've never seen him so vulnerable in years and the last time I did, he slapped me hard on my face.


He opens his eyes and they're blood shot red. FUCK! this shouldn't happen now. Not here. Not in front of me. Not here where I'm alone. Fuck this. Fuck everything. Why Nick?



"..and now every time I look at myself I see the person who turned you into someone else. Into a person who doesn't even care about himself anymore. I know how you were. I turned you into a person I never knew... And I hate myself for that. I sometimes just want to end this. Like I've wanted to do it so many times. I just couldn't. Every time I did all I could think of was about you. I'd wish that I could just get a glimpse of you for the last time. Just that I could see you happy enough. Just that I could be content with what I see. But I couldn't because I know how happy you've been. Because I know how bright you can smile. Because I know how much little things someone does makes you happy more than anything..." He pauses again stepping back holding the chair for support as his feet stumble a little. I couldn't have heard my heart anymore louder. It's lying there on the floor among the lilies. He opens his eyes again breathing in and a tear rolls down. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck! He can't do that in front of me.


There this tickling in my stomach right now which I want hate but it's something I haven't felt in years and it feels good and it wants me to go hold him and wipe his tears just like I did when he was 10 and I taught him how to skateboard and he fell and looked just the same. I wish I could but I hate him.


I want to hold him so tight all the pieces of his heart stick together because I can see it falling apart but at the same time if I could just call the security in and just watch them drag him out of here. "H-arry.. I love you still. I.. I know you have Louis for you. I know..I know it's it's wrong. Da-mn wrong but I lo-ve you h-arry. I love you still and I'd love y-ou for years to come, no matter w-hat" his face is wet. His face couldn't have been more real. Fuck this. Why is he doing this now? After like 4years of shit and what not, why now?


He's just bringing it back. Bringing those things which happened that night. Bringing things before he slapped me right on my face and I still feel the sting even more than the hurtful things he did that followed in the days to come.
Right now even if I wanted to ignore the way his presence pleasures me, I can't. I couldn't. The way he touches me. The way his fingers gently touch my face and my neck. The tender touches of his finger tips on my chest. I just can't forget the way he did that before and the ways he's doing it now. Because no matter how far back in time that happened, it's still fresh and I'd do anything to feel that again. The way his lips pressed gently and hard on mine. I just can't forget.


I don't even know what's happening to me. I know this is wrong all wrong. But I can't help it.


"Why now Nick?" His face turns to look at me. This little spot of hope he sees. "Why now?" I can feel my lips trembling but I can't control what I'll say or what I'll do, anymore.


I continue, "You know nothing about what I've gone through. Nothing. Not a single bit. It doesn't matter if I tell you, because you're never going to feel it. You're never going you spend months in hospitals just to get yourself stitched up or for a shot if you missed your doze. You're not going to understand the situation I've been into when people looked at me in the streets when I couldn't walk properly wondering what I might've done to be able to not do things normal people do" he has to know this no matter how sad this sounds.


".. You're never going to understand what my mum had to go through. You're never going to understand what my sister had to go through. Never. Never in a billion years will you understand it Nick. Never. You're never going to understand how much I've wanted to drown myself into alcohol but can't because my doctor doesn't recommend so. Yore never going to understand the need, the desperation of wanting something that just makes you feel anything rather than what kind of a shit you are. " this is all wrong but he has to know this


"....Even if I did that exact same things to you. You're never going to understand it. Because I hate you now Nick. I've hated you so much. I hate you so much I'd never even touch you because I know I'll get my hands burnt. You don't deserve this attention. Not even one second of my time. You don't. But you come here all of a sudden hoping, wishing I'd forgive you and hug you back? How do you think that's going to happen? How?" This is ridiculous. I'm just glad he's not speaking up because of he doesn't he's going to get punched.


Fuck there is this feeling inside me that doesn't want me to say things I am saying, "... No matter how much my shattered he-art wants to hold you right now Nick, I can't. I won't, Nick. I won't. No matter if I forget things that you did I wouldn't be able to because now I have someone who's been there with me, understanding me in a phase when I needed him and I am so glad I have him, Nick. So glad. I can't even say how much. He overwhelms me in every way that's possible and I can't do that to him just because you feel sorry for what you did to me. No Nick, no. Nothing you do right now can make me come back to you from him. Nothing."


He steps forward stumbling a little. My chest is pounding and rising up and down because in short of breath. I need my pump. "Stay there please" I feel it again, the shuddering response my body has whenever I've felt him near me.


"Just let me in Harry. Once and last. I beg you. Please" don't. He's so near me I can feel the heat from his body more than that's in the room.


"Please" I feel it. Those tender touches of his fingers tips on my cheek and then the cold palm against my burning skin.


No matter how much I'd want to jerk his hand away from me I want him to touch me. The way he did that night. The way I couldn't ever feel again. The way he made me fall in love with him. The way he still wants me to touch him. The way he can make me feel in an instant that no one else right now can.


His hand slides to my neck pulling my chin up. I've never known now how much taller he's grown in these 4 years. Maybe I love it now. But I don't know what I want anymore. I can't even think what's right or wrong anymore. I don't know. I can't think straight any longer.


He stands close. I can feel his stomach on my torso. I can feel his breath on me. I close my eyes. I can't looks at him and this rush. Fuck. It's makes me feel abnormal but maybe I've felt normal again. Maybe I have, maybe I haven't but I can't help because I don't know what wrong and what's right. This physically hurts my head.


His hand travels to my waist and he presses his body on me. My hands immediately rest on his chest. Maybe I do want to touch him and make him feel like I do right now but maybe I do want to push him away. I can't figure out because my heart is too loud for my head to think straight. It's banging against my rib cage and I'm fucking sure he can feel it banging against his chest.


"Do-n't don't do this ple-ase Nick" I manage to I gulp and open my eyes. Seeing reality for what it is but it's still a blur as if I've had too much to drink.


"Say it that you want this Harry. I know you do" he gently presses his lips on my forehead and stays there for more than a second and then pulls away making it tingle there. Fuck!


FUCK!! fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!! fuck fuck fuck fuck
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck..



I pull him a little away leaning my head sideways but then he pulls my chin up. I feel so bad. So so bad. I can feel this is wrong. So wrong. Everything's so wrong. Fuck! This shit is so wrong wrong wrong wrong. It's flashing in front of my eyes. It's wrong it's wrong it's wrong.



I watch him leaning in. Shit shit. Fuck FUCK FUCK. FUCK fUCK FUCK FUCK.!!!!!!!!



I can feel his lips an inch away. Fuck! my head will bomb off and explode just like my heart tonight. I push him away but he's not moving. He leans in more and my heart just banged so loud I could hear it in my ears more than the constant thumbing of my head.



He leans and he presses in but I place my palm in between pushing him away with all the courage I could muster inside me. With all I could. With everything I could gather even with so much wrong happening inside this room.


"Why?" He stumbles back. His face falling immediately. His face pale again, the blood vanishing from his face.


"You know it. So just leave, please." I try to regain my breath.


"What do you want me to do for you Harry? What exactly? You want me to beg on my knees? I'll do it Harry. I'm ready. Just give me a signal. Or just say it. I'll do it"



"Don't embarrass me more than you already have. Just go. You're forcing me to call the security. " I hold the table edge. Digging my nails in.



"Please. What is so difficult about it Harry? You still love me, I know that. I saw that. I felt it right now."


"I was too young when I did love you. And I've loved you too much. It ended long back." if he could just walk out of this room.
"I've ...loved you too much to let you stand here today Nick. This is the last time I'm going to have to ask you to leave nicely and with all the respect that's not lost. Please. Don't make this anymore difficult than it already is now. Please just... please.....Please, pleas-e just please Nick. What do you want to hear? That I forgive you?" Fuck it.
"... I forgive you for everything you have done. Every single mark that I have on my body that reminds me of everything that happened, everything that you did. Yes I forgive you. Now just please go. Just plea-se go. Just le-ave" I'm holding back so much right now because if I don't I'm going to end up hurting .myself even more than I think I can.



"Pl-lease Harry. Do-nt don't do this" he's standing in front of me sobbing like a mad man and oh god! If I could just hold him and make him alright. Even with all his faults and all he's done to me I think I'm ready to accept him as he is. Fuck but this is so wrong, so wrong. And I know I shouldn't be doing this.


"I said I forgive you" my temper is rising. He needs to get lost now. "I freaking forgive now just get the fuck out of my life. Just get the fuck out" I shout. I don't know why but only if I could take it all back but I can't and neither can he so just let it end here.



He pauses. He wipes his face. "I have all the time Harry. You can talk it out with Louis. I'll wait."



Louis? Louis! Shit. "Then you'll die waiting!" I walk to the door mustering up yet another time the courage I had in me to unlock the door and open it for him to walk out. We have our differences which can't ever be something we could agree to and that he should've already understood long time back. "Please? Do you mind?"


He sighs. Looks at me and after all this yet he cries his face red, his eyes red. Nothing can ever make me lose Louis. Nothing and especially not Nick.


Maybe he's going to say, 'once a cheater always a cheater' theory doesn't work here but how am I supposed to believe him? How am I supposed to transfer my trust from Louis' hands to Nick's hands? And that too after so long? How am I supposed to do that when I know it's already in the best hands it could be or it would ever be.


"Pl-ea-se just.." He pauses taking in a deep breath.


I can't look at him anymore. I'm standing there door open for him to walk out. Somewhere I also believe in 'people change' theory but I need to see a proof or something that he could just make me trust him again and right now if he even convinced me for about the most littlest things I would consider him making my friend but not before any of this happens.


I haven't seen him in years like this. Last time he was crying like this, red faced and swollen lips from the constant biting and eyes as red as if someone literally put color in them, he was at my place howling so loudly because he didn't know where to go when his parents decided to get divorced. And all I did was take him in my arms and left him only hours after he became silent and fell asleep. He was just 13 then and I was just 14.


"I'm... I’m trying to apologize here h-arry. Pl--"


"And I'm trying to make you leave. So just do"


Notes

i know i say this all the time but trust when i say it because i have my semester exams coming up the next month and the previous month i had my college fest and shit going on, even the internal examination.

anyways, here' a chapter for you!! if it feels like a filler, don't make it be like that, because its a link to the next one!


please, comment, vote and subscribe!

lots of love!!


PS: thank-you for 101k+ views

Comments

Hi guys, if you are reading this fiction, please continue reading it on the new user id I have created. Which is "Boomelouu". The old one is "boomelou" The one I am using now. I shall be continuing the story there.

thankyou for all the love and support!

@LizzyM101
thanks for reading and staying!

@AlexxStylinosn28
Well, it has been the death of me!

JASLKDJGFLSKDJG these 119 chapters are gonna be the reason i fail schools,m fkjsdhabfkljsadhgf

@boomelou
I should be thanking you for writing such an interesting story. I love how its so unique and not like the other typical stories on this site. There much more depth to it. The chapters always keep me on my toes. PS I love love this chapter and Harry is trying to be brave and intimate with Louis.