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LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

chapter 87

Louis' pov


"What the fucks your problem?" Looking at Calvin fucking Rodgers face early in the morning at first day of my old but new job isn't what I wished I'd see but here he is buying donuts for god knows who. He wouldn't certainly want to have all those 10 of them just by himself.


"What the fucks your problem Louis?" He looks at me like I'm some stranger who wants to get rid of him.


"Why are you here?" I ask him straight forward.


"What now? I can't even buy donuts?" He seems surprised more than me. The fuck he knows what I'm talking about.


"Last time we met, such an unfortunate event, you told me your smelly ass would stay here a week longer and then you'd go back to where you came from" Calvin fucking Rodgers. His name will be this. I'm never going change his middle name now.


"So?" I hand him the box of donuts which I was packing. As he walks out I follow him out the store.


"It's been more than a fucking week and your ass is still stinking here!! Why haven't you left?" I almost yell as soon as we step out the shop. I'm still in my apron.


"That doesn't concern you" he turns around covering himself more with his trench coat. Fuck its snowing. Still. I cover myself too with my bare hands. Of course it's warm inside the shop.


"Of course it does. I came here because I wanted to fucking move over certain things and people. And now you can't just come here and keep showing me your ugly face" I'm going to shiver and freeze myself to death. The fuck he wasn't supposed to be here. He wasn't. He just wasn't. The more I want to hate him and want him to go and leave my sight forever the more I want him to stay here and tell me why isn't he gone. Well that's stupid and in that way he'll never be gone. Fuck he's messing with my head. He needs to go. He needs to fucking go because I feel like shit. Maybe more than shit. I can't decide right now.


He's looking in the distant behind me and why is he doing that? He should be listening to me and should be moving his ass out of here, "I know you have a boyfriend now" his freaking, no fucking smirk on his face. Ugh if I could just punch him. I feel like I never knew him the way he actually was.


What?


"I might have" i sound stupid again. Way stupid. But why do I need to care he doesn't know me and I never knew him, "Who told you that?"


"Stan" he winks. Evil bastard "Way to go. Congratulations man!" He lightly punches me on my shoulder. A friendly gesture? I'm not his friend anymore and it should be clear to him.
Stan told me he wasn't going to be here when I asked him to bail this fucker out of jail but now he has all the time in the fucking world to gossip what's happening in my life. How cool is that?


"Stop all this nonsense. And if you think we could ever be friends again don't even think about it. Not gonna happen"


"I know" he shrugs.


Wait a minute? "Last time I talked to Stan he said he wouldn't come here. To this city. Why did he come here?"


"You're acting like a complete psycho now, Louis" he's laughing at me. The one who decided to ruin my whole life. My whole fucking life.


"Tell me" I demand


"He was here to drop Eleanor back to her home. They're gonna be engaged next week on 12th"


"What?" Stan never told me about it. That's a big step and we met when like not very long ago. He must've at least given me a hint.


"He didn't invite you? That's strange. You were best buddies back then" he's smirking at me. Showing me his pity face. I don't want his pity face and he's known that all his life. some the day he ruined everything and till this moment.


"Until you ruined everything" I point at him. Yes he did and he should know that.



He frowns, all of a sudden, his eyebrows knit together and his lips press in a thin line, "Stan forgives me. You should too" I know he's asking seriously but I can't do that.


Shit. No matter how hard I want to laugh at Calvin for this and no matter how far I want him to be from me I'd still want to hug him because he was my best fucking friend. I mean how could have I known he'll betray me and that too like.. Fuck! FUCKKK!! he's standing there messing with my head.


"I'm sorry Louis." Why can't he just vanish. I'd be happier with all the good memories he gave me and I'll try my best to forget what one bad memory he gave me. "I'm not gonna stop saying I'm sorry every time because i know how you feel and ready to get the shit beat out of me If that's what you want but please please accept my apology" he's pulling that same sorry face he's been pulling up since he was 3 and all those times whenever he'd hit me purposely just to make me lose a game. He's still doing. Some things don't change.



"You know what? I hate this!" I think if he doesn't vanish my temper will rise and that's a rare thing to happen but if it does I don't know which all body parts he'll break. I've never hurt him not once, intentionally or unintentionally, but now I think it's time.


"What? I thought you hated me." He whines. "I know you should ha-"


"Stop it! Just fucking stop it. You freaking assho--" a punch lands on my cheek just below my eye. Fuck I see white or maybe even black. Fuck my head feels dizzy.


"What was that for?" I scream pressing my cheek with one hand and trying not to stumble on my feet but I hit the wall behind me. Shit I feel the inside of the cheek loosen something.


"You what Louis! You deserve this! You deserve to be treated like this!"he shouts backing off away from me. I can see him from my half lidded eyes walking away but he stops.
" Louis. I've been trying to find you since last two months and I wanted to apologize for what I did but you-" he spits on the sidewalk. ",you seem to not even care I almost got jailed trying to get to talk to you. I spent the whole night in jail, just becasue I was thinking if I'd apologize you'd be back home. Back where you deserve to be. Back where your family needs you" he's screaming so loud at me from afar people are staring at boh of us. More people have their eyes glued on me because I'm trying to not fall on the ground.


Fuuuuuck! I'm seen spots now. I can't keep my self stable. I land on my palm and knees flat on the ground. And then suddenly someone's pulling my face up. It's Calvin I see his shoes and then his face with one eye. "Why would it even matter to you if you forgive me, now. Stan's gone Louis. He's going to marry the love of his life" he pulls my face up more almost trying to pull my face away from my neck. "You made it happen to you yourself" another punch on the same cheek and now my eyes burn. Fuck. Everything burns. Inside outside. Everything. I land on my stomach flat my same cheek hitting the floor again. Fucking shit.
"Have these if can ever get up" a kick hits me in the guts and a box smelling of donuts, flying around everything lands on my back.


I can hear footsteps descending. But voices around me going louder but not louder than the pounding of my pulse everywhere.


"And you're never going to learn"
"And you're never going to learn"


Memories. All memories. Every time I've curled like this on a sidewalk, on the road, on the football field, in the washroom, in an empty classroom, in the canteen, behind my house, in the yards.


"And you're never going to learn"
"And you're never going to learn"
"And you're never going to learn"


It's like an alarm on repeat with the most annoying ringtone to it going on and on and on when you've just slept two minutes ago because the whole night all you were trying to check was if any of the spots you got hit on were not visible enough to raise suspicion or if I'm going to die of a concussion.

"And you're never going to learn"
"And you're never going to learn"

"And you're never going to learn"


Flashes come running back in my pounding head where all I can see is white spots. Maybe even black spots. I curl in, dragging myself side into the wall. I'm not new to this. I know exactly what happens after this. After 3 minutes when the blood oozing from the cheek starts to clot I'll get up groaning hard enough to not feel the knots forming in my stomach. And then I'll walk stumbling a little inside the bakery, sign off for today and ignore the people who try to ask questions and stumble yourself to the car sit down for another five minutes to take a deep breath but still it's not going to help because I know the drill. I've done it more than a hundred times in the past years. So I just bite off my lower lip hard enough to not feel the burning sensation behind my eyes which makes my eyes watery from where thick tears are eager to roll down on my burning skin. But i stop because my stomach has perfect knots in them. And then again i chew down my bottom lip to an extent it bleeds and i feel a relief cross through my lungs and I release a strangled breath. It's a relief from the pain inside my gut. I scratch my arms because I feels the creeps, the crawls in my stomach and because its hurting i can't touch my stomach because I'll going to vomit if i did. So I quickly and just carefully start the ignition and drive off home groaning and moaning alone in my car. And because I can't fail myself in front of myself I have to control those years from falling down.


When I reach the familiar area I drive off to my garage and slowly and carefully I get out and take the lift to my floor. I do not even care to look in the elevator mirror how bad my face looks.


When I reach my door I'm relieved to find out none of them are home. I can have some valuable time for myself. Cleaning the mess off my face and having something for my stomach and being a doctor and checking if I have a concussion yet. I wasn't really hit hard on the head so I think there won't be any but still no harm in finding out.


I head to the room directly into the bathroom and filling the bathtub with hot water. I don't even care if its burning hot. I want that on my skin otherwise I'll feel other things, other needs which I seriously don't want to begin again. Ever.


I haven't yet had a look at my face. And seriously if you ask me I don't want to. I know its gonna be a small cut below my eye circle on the cheek bone. I know this becasue I felt right there. Where else would it be?
I strip out if my sweatshirt and T-shirt and a warmer and then put of my jeans.


I step into the burning water which is still filling the tub. Fuck I feel it as I descend down. The burning wager from my feet to my legs to my calves to my thighs. Oh god. Fuck I so desperately needed this and I didn't even know. I sit down in my boxers resting my back behind and tilting my head back slowly to rest it on the towel pillow. I shut the tap, when the water fills till the brim, with a little difficulty with my toes.


Oh my god. I feel it in my every nerve. From my toes to my finger tips. The burning skin making it easier to go through the pain I feel in my stomach and face.


Sometimes. No, everytime I've done this I've felt so good. Like the burning water just helps take the pain away with itself as it slowly turns cold and then into nothing. It's feels good when you see the pain going down the drain. Because some people are addicted to at least something which helps them take the pain away. I've tried all sorts of things which help take the pain away and so far this is the only safest and harmless way of letting the pain ease itself into you. Because if you don't get a way to ease with it, it finds a way to ease into you and that's not what you want.


Right now I'd like all my troubles to stand in front of me in a line and one by one I'd give them a black eye.


It feels stupid really to fill your head with things, specially people who you thought were everything to you once but then how would have you known you meant nothing to them because you were too blindly in love with them to be able to see the truth. I shouldn't be surprised by this really but I am. I hope I'd known why but its just this feeling clamping my heart squeezing it, twisting it till all the nerves holding it in its place break and it is no more where its supposed to be because it sunk into you too deep even before you could know what exactly happened. It's shit, like too much to be even able to think straight about something else. The best part is that you can't even distract yourself with other things because all your mind is capable of doing is wandering off to places you'd never want it to go, but guess what, it goes. My mind, it has a mind of its own.


I don't know maybe I must've drifted to sleep because when I jolted awake I felt like I fell off the
stairs or something but it was just the burning water turning cold and suddenly all I could feel was the cold breeze through the ventilator hitting my face.


I stand up feeling a little relaxed than before but it still feels like my body froze and all my muscles got jammed.


I step out onto the mattress discarding away my wet boxer briefs. I wrap the towel around my waist and walk out. Harry still isn't here. Maybe he is outside. But its just 7:30 and he usually returns till 8.


I pull out a T-shirt and my sweat pants from the pile of clothes which lie more a like a heap of crap. I don't feel like eating anything. I know its dinner time and maybe Gemma is back but I'll wait till Harry returns. Right now I'd feel more calm if I'd lay down.


I walk to my side of the bed, crawl up and pull the duvet over. I'd like sleep for half an hour till he returns.


Harrys pov
I enter in. Louis' light snores have my full attention. Though his back faces me but I can still imagine the soft-gentle-flush-face, his lips slightly parted, his cheeks all puffed up even when his cheekbone is sharper than before.


Though I don't have to imagine anymore because now after shoving my bag on the side table and kicking off my shoes and taking off my blazer I'm standing just in front of him. Only the mop of hair and the unkempt hair over his his forehead is visible with the way he's covered himself and squished himself under the duvet. He looks warm but when I slowly and quielty try to slip my self under the duvet just beside him he moans lightly his tongue licking his lips as he curls in more.


"Hey..." I whisper sliding my arm under his with a little difficulty. He shifts lightly but then he allows me. He seems tired enough. It was his first day to work after almost a month of no job so its obvious his body didn't take it well all of a sudden.


He yawns on my face his lips just above my nose and hot breath feels good on my frozen face. He smells so fresh of lavender and peaches I feel I should stay here all night. His body loosens a little shifting closer like he knows I'm here. His warm small feet intertwine with mine and he shifts closer till his lips touch my forehead. "You're sleeping on my side babe" he mumbles yawning lightly this time with his dry raspy voice. His words came out slower than expected. But its all fine because I crave for this Louis. He's my Louis and he's so pure like a baby. He has nothing to hide and he's such an angel. An angel in my life when I thought god didn't really wanna help me, like ever. But he had plans, such pretty plans I didn't know. I'd never be able to thank my angel for this. Never.


He shifts closer our chests touch. He smells so fresh I'd eat him if I had a chance. If only I could stay here and just smell and bury myself into him. I'd do just that. His arms wrap around my chest all of a sudden and he's pulling me in.
Maybe he's just tired that's it. Nothing to really worry about.


"Aren't you hungry?" He mumbles again. His warmth covers all of me up.


"Starving" he chuckles at my answer his lips presses hard on my forehead.


"Me too" he kisses on the same spot again and feeling lingers more than it actually should but I like it. It's tingles. My whole body tingles.


Louis is a kind of guy who wants to love everybody but he's too shy to show his real emotion so when he does it actually takes a real big part of him to do so. It actually is worth it. I appreciate his tenderness and shyness as much as I appreciate his rawness and bitter mouth and how can I not appreciate his dirty little mouth.



Louis' pov
I enter into the hall and, "The house smells so good" Harry is already seated at the table while Gemma is getting food from the kitchen.


I walk into the kitchen behind her, "hey" she greets almost like a whisper. She doesn't look at me but she knows I'm there.


"Hi" I take out the water bottles from the fridge and follow her to the hall after picking three glasses from shelf.


"Smells delicious" i comment as I seat myself in front of Harry and adjacent to Gemma.


"It surely is" Harry picks up the serving spoons and serves each of us.


"Let's begin" Gemma says and then suddenly both of their glares are focused at me. What the hell did I do now? I've got a water bottle unless I'm blind and I picked up a vine bottle or something. No I'm pretty sure its a water bottle.


"You-'ve got..." Gemma pauses to look at Harry a little confused but she looks worried and now that same look a little more concerned is on Harry's face too. He licks his lips to look at Gemma and tucks his curls behind his ear and then narrows his eyes at me. Maybe he's having a little clearer look at my face.


Something at my right cheek twitches then tingles and then slightly burns with all their glares. Oh shit fuck! The bruise. I should've covered it already.


Gemma continues, " you have this bloody bruise on your right cheek"


"Yes that" harrys speaks as his eyebrows are now knitting converting into a frown.


"Ohh" I touch the 'bloody bruise' my finger tracing it slightly.
"I--" I need an excuse. Quick. Quick. Quick. Not that I had an argument with my so called best friend and he got offended and felt betrayed because I didn't forgive him for things he was really sorry for.
"I walked into the bakery door" I chuckle. Fuck I can't look at them while its fucking clear on my face that I'm lying to them. "Hurt real bad" I start poking my food, with my fork, which smells so delicious.


"Doesn't look like walking-into-a-door bruise" gemma takes a bite of her grilled chicken.


Fuck Harry eyes are still on me. I feel them drilling into me. What the hell.
The rest of the dinner remains silent but I know Harry has a million questions all-ready for me because the way his fork and knife made noises whenever he had to cut a little piece for himself.
I know he was a little irritated but then I know l'm lying and he doesn't need to be worried about why I am lying but then he is, I can't help it. He needs answers and I'll have to give them. Maybe not now but certainly when we're alone.


He gets up first, dragging his chair backwards noisily and Gemma follows him but she was much quieter than him. I still have a bite left.
I shove the piece into my mouth and hurry up to the sink where I find Harry cleaning the dishes.
I don't understand this. When he already owns a dishwasher then why not use it?


I pick up the rag from the handle and start wiping dishes and putting them in their places. I don't know what's worrying him really because he's standing there his shoulders clenched and I can hear his rough breaths over the running tap water and clattering of the crockery. I want to know the real reason why he's worried, the fact that I lied or the fact that I didn't tell him the real reason why I got busted.
There's a difference.
Gemma is already gone and now Harry's done with the last dish.


Harry's pov
I remember Dr. Sabrina telling me a relationship is only complete when there is full honesty and loyalty between the partners. But I can't expect him to be honest and loyal with me when I have a truck load of shitty ugly lies hidden behind my back. I can't. I know anybody can walk into a glass door but getting a cut on your face which looks like that. No, not really possible. But I'll leave it to that because I don't want to make it obligatory for him to tell me everything when I'm myself made up of 70% lies.


I know I'm ugly from the inside if he ever got to know about the part that defines me. I'm sure he'd never call me his Greek god ever again. I know I don't know him completely and I can't judge him for what his decision maybe if he ever knew about the real me because I don't know how his mind works and I can't make deductions just like that on some perceptions which I think might fit.

Louis' pov
"Thank-you" he turns the tap off and dries his hands. Thankyou? He's smiling at me too.


"You're welcome" is the only appropriate answer I have for this. He was a little worried before and he's like cool with whatever it was.


"You know whose on television tonight?" He sounds all cheered up. Well that's good.


"Um.." My mouth escapes a surprised chuckle, "I guess, I don't know there was some tournament going on..." He looks so excited all of a sudden o don't know what gotten into him. Whatever it is its good.


"It's France v/s Germany" I'm following him to the main hall and he jumped up to sit on the couch folding his legs and gemma is already seated watching the game. I seat myself beside Harry crossing my legs up.
Gem throws an extra blanket and Harry catches it, thanking her.


"I thought you didn't watch football" he tucking his side and now he's tucking me.


"Who doesn't?" He laughs, "its football, you have to watch it but anyway I'd rather buy a ticket to a Roger federers match thañ sit in a crowd of 70-80,000 people"


"I wouldn't do that" I can't stop my laughing. Really, this harry styles is pretty new and I like it. He picks up a beer bottle and that's when I notice Gemma is already done with her first bottle.


"You know I was wondering something" I tap on Harry's shoulder and he turns his body turns to me but his eyes are glued to the match.


"Uh huh" he murmurs.


"I think I'm not allergic to beer" yes that's possible because the last time I drank beer all I did was dance with Harry and sleep right on top of him right on this couch and wake up all good. And I've been drinking beer before too.


"Don't even think about it Louis" Gemma gives me a glare tossing another bottle empty down her throat. "Nope, don't" she nods a no.


"Seriously don't" harrys face is turned to me. "You're fine without some alcohol" he tucks his strand of hair behind his ear.


"No listen to me" I pull him closer by his upper arm. He focuses on me again and his nose cringes a little when his eyes land on the bruise. "I've been having beer all the time and I've never been to a hospital for that" its almost whisper to him. Gemma is gonna be mad if she heard this." Remember we kissed real good last time when I had beer. Nothing bad happened"


"Why take a chance Lou?" His hand moves forward to cup my cheek, oh fuck his hands are so warm and huge it almost covers my head on this side, I lean in closing my eyes. His thumb rubs on the skin below my bruise. "Did it hurt?" He frowns.


"A little I guess but its fine"


"Looks fine enough" he takes in a sharp breath looking at me for a while and then turns his head to the match, his hand moving away.


Shit. It makes me feel so bad for not telling him the truth. But telling him the truth means I tell him all my dark secrets and all the bad things that happened to me and I don't want those bruises to freshen up again on my body right now because anyway this bloody bruise and the kick in the gut is enough to refresh the pain I'd forgotten about.

Finally France won within the last minute of a penalty shoot. Germany missed a header. Their bad luck. I knew France would win anyway. They were in a better form on the field on the last round.


Gemma's asleep on the couch. Harry's almost snoring and I don't even feel like sleeping. My insides still hurt whenever I move my upper body even a little. I don't know if I should move from here or not and make Gemma go to her room and make Harry walk himself to our room.


Harry will wake up because the way his neck his hanging he's going to hit himself in the head and wake up jolting away from his sleep.


My phone vibrates in my pocket. I take it out and check its a message. Stan. I don't even want to remember these people but they don't seem to go away from my life.

'I'm sorry to hear about what happened. But understand you were my first choice for my best man.'- S


Fuck. that doesn't mean you make the one who was the last. no matter how much I don't want to text him back, I want to. I need to know why in this world would he want to make Calvin fucking Rodgers is best man.


'I didn't know you wanted calvin to be your messenger. you could've texted me. just like this' -L

'I just wanted you to forgive him, that's why. and I know for a fact that you wont come back. I had no other option'-S

'Don't act like you're the victim here'-L

'I know whose the victim, okay? I know whatever kept happening was wrong, so wrong. but you know no one could have prevented it’-S

‘shit I thought I had someone left to call a bro’-L

‘don’t do this Louis. You’re still my bro’-S

‘then tell me what to do when you’re not acting like one’-L

‘be there’-S

‘where?’-L

‘at my wedding. It’ll mean a lot to me’-S

‘I cant fucking be there when calvin fucking Rodgers the one standing in my place’-L

‘I wont mind your mr. Horton’-S

‘its harry, asshole’-L


Notes

i know its a little difficult reading when shifting between different point of views. i'll try not to do that again.

and really sorry for such a late update. was caught up with work.

keep commenting, voting and subscribing!!

loads of love!

Comments

Hi guys, if you are reading this fiction, please continue reading it on the new user id I have created. Which is "Boomelouu". The old one is "boomelou" The one I am using now. I shall be continuing the story there.

thankyou for all the love and support!

@LizzyM101
thanks for reading and staying!

@AlexxStylinosn28
Well, it has been the death of me!

JASLKDJGFLSKDJG these 119 chapters are gonna be the reason i fail schools,m fkjsdhabfkljsadhgf

@boomelou
I should be thanking you for writing such an interesting story. I love how its so unique and not like the other typical stories on this site. There much more depth to it. The chapters always keep me on my toes. PS I love love this chapter and Harry is trying to be brave and intimate with Louis.