LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

Harry's POV

"Ed ? You want to walk in first?" I ask him as we stand outside Louis' ward. I don't want to go in like that.

"C'mon harry. Its not your fault. He won't be angry" is he talking sense?? I don't know. I'm nervous. My hands rub against each other and I wipe them across my thighs. Just a nervous gesture.

"Should I or should I not?" I ask him again not looking at him this time as I rock on my heels forward and back. My hands in my pocket.
"C'mon!" He walks forward from beside me as he opens the door and I take a deep breath as I follow him. The nurse and Zayn are in there. Zayn is on the couch while nurse is checking all the stuff. I was just use to all this on myself. Just not on somebody else and that somebody else being Louis. No.

Ed walks over to zayn and I don't even care. Let them talk. I need my focus only to be on the guy whose lying in front of me and I still haven't seen his face. I can't muster up the courage. My palms are sweaty. What am I supposed to do?

As I take a step forward from halfway near the bed the door behind me opens and I turn around to see and its the doctor.

"How are the readings going?" The doctor asks the nurse immediately.

"They're turning out good doctor. He's getting his pulse just normal the past minute." She says smiling. Is it really good news?

"Is it good news doctor?" I ask him still nervous. Even if Louis' breathing is fine but mine isn't.

"Yes it is. Of course harry. He's fine" the doctor beams and I take a breath of relief as he checks Louis. But I haven't looked at him yet.

"Is he going to wake up soon?" I ask. My voice a bit shaky.

"Yes. In a while" he nods as he checks him with his stethoscope. I look at Ed and zayn at the end of the room and i nod smiling. They understand immediately and walk up to me.

"Take a deep breath harry" zayn says as he rubs my back and pulls me into a light hug. "I am a lucky charm. Ain't I??" Ed chuckles smirking as he pats my shoulder lightly.

"Go" he whispers and I just know what he's talking about.

I know its not a big deal for both of them and then maybe it is a big deal for them too but its a very big deal for me. A huge deal actually.

I am the soul reason Louis is in this condition. But I don't know the whole thing behind this right now. But I know its me. I am not jumping into any conclusions, maybe i am, but I know its me.

"Don't make him talk yet" the doctor informs me as I take a seat at the stool.

"OK" I nod nervously.

"As you can see his skin is still swollen, his vocal chords still needs rest. Mainly due to the esophagus swelling all lot. That's where the actual alcohol passed through" I still haven't looked at him and with whatever the doctor is saying Louis is still a bit critical but as I slowly turn my neck a light squeak combined with a whimper escapes my lips even before I can take in what the person in front of me looks like.

My eyes travel up from his legs covered in thick sheets to his chest as his hands are underneath the sheets. My eyes trace up his neck which looks swelled up a bit but its pale. I can see some nerves peeking.

As I look a little more up my eyes grow wide as I can't believe what he's done to himself because of me. My eyebrows are creased up and I want to turn around and walk away and scream out everything that's happening inside of me right now. It just sucks when u want to help the person in front of you but you're so miserable and you can't. I hate that miserable feeling thing. I hate it.

His lips are completely swollen and are a little red but still pale as they are apart a little. His little nose looks huge right now and its weird to look at him this way. I don't know who I am looking at. His perfect cheekbones which used to be here are all swollen making him look chubby.

His long eyelashes rest peacefully over his swollen cheeks and his eyelids look puffy enough. Its too much to look at. But I wish I could just touch him and he would turn into healthy normal chit chatting Louis but I am not Midas. Nor I have his so called Midas' touch.

I'm just a little freaked out human being roaming around ruining, fucking and messing up peoples lives when I have no consent in it what so ever I do to them. And as a matter of fact wherever I go or whoever I touch I know I just ruin there lives especially the ones dear to me.

I just want to move forward and his kiss forehead but I don't want to hurt him in any way possible. I don't want to touch him. I know I'll hurt him again. And I don't want that. I know I'll regret it like all the times I've did.

His hair is all messy as some fringes rest over his forehead and some on his ears.
His face is completely swelled and looking at him sitting beside him I am not at all comfortable but I don't want to be anywhere else. I can't believe he hurt himself so much because of me. This is so cruel. This is so disgusting.
My hands are sweaty again and I wipe them on my thigh. I don't want to touch him but I can't resist. My eyes just can't move away from his face. But land back to his lips as I can't look away.


His skin is completely pale except the inner side of his lip, the only skin which has colour and his cheeks too are pink. There seems to be a little freckles appearing on his cheek just below his right eye.

Oh my god.

There is this pipe going through his nose. I guess that is for breathing. It looks so weird on his skin. I want to remove all these things attached onto his skin which pierce through him. Its so evil, they're hurting him. But I know its for his own good. But no he looks awful with that. He's pretty the way he is but why did he had to do all this.
My hand moves forward to pull his arm up lightly and I gently place it on top of my palm and my breath hitches as his warm skin touches my cold palms. His skin is soft but another needle attached to his wrist makes me wants to puke because it's all wrapped up with white tape and bandages with the needle pierced in. Why? I can't look at him so fragile yet so strong. It seems like he could just shatter into pieces in front of me and I'd be just looking at him weeping my eyes out. I don't wan that to happen.

Rather I want to shatter into pieces and disappear even when I know i do not want to. I don't want him to look at me. Because I won't be able to look back at him giving him answers for all the questions that are hurling up in his mind. All those accusations which are true I don't have answers for that. I knew Simon would do something. But he could have atleast told me.

The only thing that now goes through my mind is that I've seen him after 3 days and he still is so swelled up. How was he looking like then?

The thought and the image that crossed my mind right now makes me want to run away from here.

Like 3 days before. How was he looking like then? My heart aches even thinking about how more severe it was before.

I lightly rest my other palm over his hand caressing it with my thumb lightly.

I sit there my head low as I procrastinate about the things I shouldn't but I am.

Ed and zayn are still standing here behind me as they don't even speak a word. I turn around slightly and see the faces which are a bit horrified plus worried plus sympathetic that I want to hug them and cry and cry but I don't want to at the same time.
Louis' warm skin over my palm makes me calm my breath but my heart is racing faster and faster with every second that Louis is not waking up.

I look at his face and I see his eyes balls moving a bit under his eyelids and I gasp lightly a smile turning on my lips.
His eyelids part a little but close again. I guess his eyes are dry right now as a white flaky thing at the corner of his eyes starts to peel off.

His eyes flutter lightly and he opens them coming in contact with the light and shuts again.

My mouths escapes a loud whimper as I hear Ed and zayn gasp lightly behind me. Its troubling me to look at him struggling to open his eyes. This is torture.

Ed places a hand on my shoulder and squeezes it lightly.
"Its OK" he mutters. " he's fine" he tells me and I finally breath normally. Finally.

Louis' eyes are completely open and he scrunches his nose lightly as the light enters his eyes. His head tilts the other side taking in everything around him and then towards me.

I look directly into his blue eyes which seem to have lost their oceanic blue and some kind of gloss is appearing onto his eyes. Like they're lighting up and I've never been so happy. Happy?

"Well, Look at him he's fine"The doctor says. " I'll be back after sometime but remember and make sure you won't make him talk or move. Nothing" he says firmly. "You stay here and give him his doze" he says to the nurse.

"He-y" Louis mutters lowly as he smiles but its hardly visible because of his swelling but the way his eyes crinkle up a little when he smiles tells me he's smiling. He heard the doctor say no talking and he still wants to say hi? "No no! Don't talk " I tell him squeezing his palm lightly and his parted lips stick together.

"Here! He is supposed to have these" the nurse hands me a tray with small shot size plastic cups with some liquid filled in 2 of them and some 3 pills in powdered form on a piece of paper and a capsule which is open. That's too much for a tiny Louis.

"How?!" I mean he can't have him himself. "His throat is swollen" Somebody is gotta help him but the doctor said he wasn't supposed to get up.

The nurse presses a button at the side of the bed and the upper half of the bed rises up slightly. Its a flat oblique L shaped bed now. "He'll be able to swallow. He has to" she says and gets busy again. I don't know. She's always busy.

"Ok-ay" I croak. I stand up keeping the tray aside and Ed walks around the other side of the bed.

I walk closer to Louis, "open your mouth, Lou" he parts his lips slowly and I slide the powder one by one helping him have those as he just tilts his head back. Ed keeps a hand at the back of his head helping him toss in the liquid.

Zayn never volunteers for such things because he's always scared he'd hurt somebody.

"I think I've become an expert in such stuff..you know first my mom then my daughter and now him. Its like a second habit of mine" he raises his eyebrow as he rests Louis' head back carefully and walks a little away from him.

"Don't say that. That's not a good thing. And you told me your daughter's already going to school? She's well?" I ask him. That question was in head the past hour.

"She's completely fine.She had a week bed rest and then she was discharged healthy. She was allowed" he chirps. He always seems happy talking about her. His eyes sparkle.

There is so much happening in everybody's life that I don't even have time to focus on them. I've been so secluded and weird and into my own world that I missed so much I think.

Zayn got his contract done. Eds daughter is fine. Gemma lost her job coz of me and she has an interview today. It seems like I skipped a whole month in my life focusing on things which even didn't matter that much.

But now what I'm thinking about is that what I did was ruin things for Louis. First when I met him, he cried two nights straight and I don't know why. I ruined his birthday. I ruined his Christmas. I ruined some of his nights when I was so pissed drunk. I ruined his nights when I cried my eyes out like a mad man and he had to comfort me and I know how bad he was by he still was sitting there. I ruined his job now. I ruined him right now. Look at him. He doesn't deserve all of this. He's paying for things which he hasn't done. And it's so fucking annoying seeing him lying there like a lifeless body.

I don't know I want to just barge out of this room and never see him again. Never be around him again. Never.

I stand up with a jolt and fuck...My waist hurts. Shit. I shouldn't have stood up like that.

"Fuck...ouch!" I grit my teeth as I stumble across and the stool as I try to walk.

"You remember you got stitches too mate. Sit down" zayn hurries up holding my upper arm and I just got saved from being stumbling to the floor .

"Yeah!" I say as he helps me sit back onto the stool and my eyes land onto the side table beside Louis' bed.

Its rectangular box wrapped in pastel purple color gift paper. A gift? Who gifted him this.

Maybe the guys did?
I move forward stretching a little picking up the rectangular box. Its a bit heavy and shake to make a guess. It has some liquid but its not liquor. Is not a long box.

"Who got him this?" I ask not turning around still guessing.

"I don't know." Zayn speaks. It been there for the past three days.

Like seriously? Who got him this.? I can't star in my head lo right no. It still hurts
"You sure liam and niall didn't gift him this?"
"Definitely. Liam would've told me already and if it's Niall he would've told everybody even before actually giving it to him. So its not us." He says. And he's right. "Ed?" Zayn asks.

"Nope. I just got in here today" he shrugs.

My phone ring brings me out of my thoughts and pull out my phone from my pocket and its Mr smith calling.

Oh god I had office today.

"Hello" I speak up nervously.
"Hello. Mr. Styles?" Oh my he's angry he's never said my name like that unless he's angry.

"Yes. Mr ..."

"How irresponsible do you think you can be?" He says in a loud tone.

"Sir. I--.." I begin again.

"Its been a week since you've behaved properly harry. What is the matter with you. Do you see the time by your watch? Do you? Its 12:30 and the recording is supped to start at what time. Tell me?"

"At 11 sir." I say lowly. He's to much angry. I've never heard him so angry.
"And you are late by hour and a half. If you don't want to attend office any longer. Its okay. But at least inform styles. A call at the reception that's it" his voice gets lower by the end of the sentence.

"I know sir. Actually I'm at the hospital and right now there is no way I can get out. I'll be there tomorrow any way"

"Oh. Im sorry. Are you okay?" His voice gets concerned.

"Yes. I'm okay. Thank you"

"Oh my god. Everything's fine right?" He doesn't sound convinced.

"Yes yes Mr smith everything is good. I'll be there tomorrow."

"Okay. Stay safe " and I hang up.

When I look up Louis is looking at me as hold up the gift box but he doesn't say anything and he shouldn't be saying.

This whole weekend has been so haywire that I can't even put things straight as to how they went.

Notes

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