LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

Harry's POV


Well that party ended well. I don't know what to say about it because I'm too tired to even lift a finger up. The mess they created upstairs like the children they are has made me exhausted.


Louis' asleep. He slept early and I'm still fidgeting because I can't find the right position to sleep in. I should just spoon him but I'm afraid I'll wake him up.


He's lying on his stomach and he's facing me and he looks so calm and collected and quiet and peaceful and relaxing and fond and lovely and caring and like home.


I pick his arm lightly, like very gently, so as to not disturb him and I keep it at my chest. I slowly shift closer to him like just an inch away from. I'm not trying to disturb him I'm just trying make myself go to sleep and this is the only way I'll ever go to sleep.


He shifts a little, suddenly. Fuck. I didn't want to disturb him. He mutters something and I immediately stay still. I didn't get what he said but I don't move. He moves again shifting closer and with the arm that's resting on my chest, he pulls me closer.


He parts his lips to say something. He's so cute. He talks in his sleep. I'm learning everyday and every night. His chin is resting on my shoulders and I'm not trying to move or wake him up but he speaks again, "..s-tay.." Is all he mumbled and holds me back and then he yawns like a little baby and rests his head on my chest and dozes off again.


I have this sudden urge like to just shake him up, gently, and ask him about what he just meant by saying what he did or maybe it was me who was imagining things.


I don't want to assume stuff. I really don't. I don't like the thoughts entering my head and I guess what? I can't sleep anymore.


Louis' POV
I woke up to an empty bed, though still warm. I can't hear the showers or anything.
I get up, "...ahhh fuck!" It's my back again. Fuck!


I get up from the bed holding my back and walk out of the room.


I don't see Harry at his usual place, the balcony. I look around and the music room is open. As I walk towards it in my shorts and t shirt I can hear chatter, like silent chatter, murmur you could say, like they're trying not to wake someone up or they're they don't want someone to listen to them.


I walk in and, "..Hi!" I didn't expect Ed to be here at this time, it's like 7 in the morning. I don't remember seeing him here yesterday.


"Hi!" he chimes back quickly and Harry smiles at me.


"good morning!!" Harry wishes.


"I don't remember seeing you last night?" I ask Ed as I seat myself at the piano stool and they're seated at Harry's desk.


"I wasn't here" Ed shrugs and Harry looks at me.


"He came in late.." Harry hesitates while speaking, "..he had some issues with album. He's gonna release it soon" he smiles again.


"Oh okay.." I yawn.


"Well,.." Ed speaks, "I never got a chance to ask you...it's been a long since we met, how are you?"


I look at him my eyes narrowed, "umm..I'm okay. I'm good..I'm having a nice time" he sounds suspicious somehow but anyways, "how are you?"


"Well I'm at my best but I'm nervous about the album. Wish me luck"


"Best of luck" I shrug and shake his hand.


"I made you pancakes and banana shake, if you'd like"


"Thanks" I bend forward to kiss him on the cheek. I literally am thankful of him. His eyes look weary somehow and I know he was very tired yesterday and still he made me breakfast. That's very kind and nice of him. Like very. It's a simple way to love someone and I'm so thankful I came back to him.


"You're welcome" he says, giddily.


When I walk out they start talking again. If it doesn't concern me then I don't want to know but anyways, I'll enjoy my breakfast and then get ready for work.



I went for a shower and now that I'm ready I don't see Harry yet. Where is he? Doesn't he have to leave for work too?


"Harry...?!" I call out as I walk into the hallway. I know Ed left so he has to be somewhere.


I walk into the balcony and there he is.
"Why aren't you answering back?" I ask him, softly as I stand beside him.


He doesn't say anything. Nothing. He's just standing staring at the sky.


"What?" I place my hand on his arm.


And he turns to look at me slowly, "what's your favourite part of a meal?"


I laughed at this, "what?"


"Just tell me.." He smiles at me laughing, "I wanna know"


"Like what part? Starter, main course.. Like that?"


"Yeah.." He nods smiling deeper, his dimples dig in and with so much light that's hitting his face it's not possible to miss the beauty spot on the left side of his chin.


"Uhh I guess dessert. Everyone likes dessert I like dessert."


"Then dessert it is..." he bends down and pecks me lightly on my lips. If you ask me, like seriously, I'm totally taken aback by this. I know it's just a peck but I am. I love him so much.


I'm just standing there in awe of him when he speaks up again, “when you will be back?"


"Around 5:30 or maybe 6. Why?"


"Nothing. I'll just miss you" I wish I could just vanish because the amount of heat travelling my cheeks has probably made them red. I love him so much. He's so pure and gentle and I wanna keep taking care of him forever.


He suddenly places his arm on my waist and pulls me in. I giggle in return. Fuck. He's being so needy and all I wanna do is stay but I can't risk this one job I have.


He bends down to kiss me but this time it's more than a peck and I kiss him back with all I have. He's so needy I feel like he'd keep me in his lap or under his arm forever if he could.


"Don't go to work.." He says immediately, half panting. "You don't even have to work.."


"Why? I want to.. "


"Okay" he smiles and he knows why. We've had this talk before.


"Aren't you going? "


"I will. Like in an hour"


"Okay..." I pull away and I hold his wrists and I feel his scars. Trust me I so desperately want to know the reasons behind these. Like I'd sell myself if I had to or if I have to. I look at him and his smile fades away suddenly.


"Bye" he quickly pecks me on my cheek and I walk away.


I don't know what Harry's upto. Sometimes it's like he's trying to tell me stuff. Like with his body, with his answers, with his eyes. Like he's always trying to figure out if I got what he just did, a gesture, a few body movements, little decisions he makes. Like he's trying to tell me a story into which he doesn't want to put words.


And trust me I sure do wanna figure out this sad puzzle, that is his life. I really want to know. Maybe I'm bad at reading things he does at the right time. Or maybe I just ignore them when he wants to tell me or speak to me by making it too much about me. Who knows? Maybe I become selfish when it's time for me not to be.


Knowing that Harry's upto something I'm not going to be at rest the whole day. I'm not gonna be, I know that. And that is why they let me leave early. And for you information I still play piano for little girlies who take ballet classes.


I couldn't concentrate the whole day. I knew I couldn't. But this just doesn't revolve around Harry. It revolves around other reasons too. I left my family to be here. Well, technically Harry doesn't want me to call it 'leaving' but isn't it? I'm living 2-3 hours away from my home with another man without a single idea of what's happening there. And when I put this fear into words all I’m scared of is abandonment. I felt so sad leaving Mark like that, there alone. He's alone. He wants to pursue music but he's in the final year of his medical college.


I'm gonna do something for him. He deserves it. He was by my side every time of my miserable life and I can't abandon him like that. And I guess it's time for him to finally move out.
It's still a 15 minute drive. So I pull over at the corner and call him.


He picks up after a few rings.


"Hi! You miss me, don't you?" Mark chimes as soon as he picks up.


"Hey! Maybe I am. Who knows?!"


"Yeah right. As if. Anyways are you getting all the action?" that’s what comes to his head? Why the fuck would he ask me that?


"Don't you have a girlfriend to care of?" I scoff.


"Well I do. How would you know? You're too busy unwinding your own sex life"


"You didn't send me her picture"


"You didn't send me the pictures of your Greek God when you’ve dated him for four months already. Why should I?" He chuckles.


"I don't have any" I didn't realize this until now.


"You're fucking kidding me...it's been 4 months since you guys are together, you don't have a picture of him or with him?" Why is he so surprised?


"No I don't"


"You didn't stalk him on Facebook? That's like the basics of dating.."


"I haven't dated before. You know that" I shrug.


"Is that an excuse to you not having any pictures with him? C’mon"


"No! Not an excuse. It's just how we are. We're not the cliche couple" I guess we aren't. Or maybe we are the cliche couple. God knows but I love him.


"Be careful there. You're labelling your relationship there Louis. You don't like labels that much"



"Its not labelling. I'm defining myself. Its different. And anyways what's so wrong about labeling. He's me boyfriend, I'm his boyfriend. We're boyfriends. What's so wrong in that?"


"Nothing" he says. "I'm happy for you. I hope you know that"


"Thank-you so much"


"Are you okay?" What?


"Why, I'm good."


"You said thank-you"


"Harry is impressionable and I love it" I am full of Harry from head to toe and I'm ready to be choked up on his love. I won't mind.


"You're a really happy man. I love it. "


"Don't jinx it now"


"I'm not. I'm so freaking happy..."


"And I'm happy for you and your girlfriend..."


"We're just fooling around right now, I guess"


"Well whatever happens tell me"


"Okay mom number 2"


"Can you come over?" coming to the question I called him for.


"What do you mean 'come over'? I don't stay a window away. It's a 3 hour ride. Come over!" He mocks.


"I meant can you stay here and.."


"And what?"


"I'm trying to help you here. Don't mock me"


"Okay. What do you mean exactly then?"


"I meant that do you want to stay here and resume your music career?"


"What are you saying? I never even started" He sounds like I took his breath away.


"You heard me. Well also that you will finish your graduation. It's your final year next semester. So you will finish it. This doesn't work if you don't graduate. You can stay there if you feel you wanna dropout..." Uhh. I sound exactly like a parent. A freaking parent. Well I know what the consequences are of not completing graduation, so I can't risk his.


"Are you serious? How are you exactly going to do that?"


"I'll ask Harry if he can help you out. I'm sure he will" he definitely will. It's Harry. I'm not like taking advantage of him. I'm asking him to help Mark out.


"You haven't asked yet?"


"You haven't confirmed if you want this, yet.."


"Of course I do you dumb fuck!"


"Okay" I sigh, "..be ware I'm only asking him to help you. Not like do everything for you. You'll pay for your services no matter what. You have college money saved...aren't you on scholarship?"


"Yeah" he agrees, "that's like okay. Doable..."


"Be more respectful of me from now on.."


"Aren't I already?" He giggles on the other side.


"Ofourse" I cut him off.


"Well then thankyou"


"That's all I get?" I laugh


"You haven't asked Harry yet though.. So"


"Okay. So much for consideration. I get it.. Bye then"


As I'm about to hang up he speaks, "I'll love you forever for even thinking about this. No one else would've. I'll be your slave if Harry agrees"


"Let it reach there. You're already my slave though..."


"Yeah. Right. Anyways. Thank-you so much. I love you forever..." He says like he means it. Does he?


"Say it like you mean it, Mark. I'm not ready for you to betray me" I shrug. That's the most honest I've been with myself.


"Hey..." He says in a soft tone, "I love you like no one else ever will and it means a lot to me. I appreciate it to death" oh my God.


"Well I wouldn't have done this for any one else" I wouldn't have.


"Then say I love you, back" he is so demanding. Thank goodness he's just my cousin.


"Dickhead.."


"Fucking say it.."


"Do you get off on that?" Fuck what am I saying? I wish I could see his face right now. Fuck! I'd die laughing.


"Ew Louis. Fucking gross!! You should've saved it for Harry.."


I laugh, "Anyways bye. Love you"


"Nice..." He taunts, "Bye" he scoffs and hangs up.


Fucking Mark.


Well I drive and head home.


Home, the four letter word. It's always the same yet different.


I turn the knob and enter in and as soon as I take the first breath I smell lavender aroma. Oh my god. It's refreshing as well as it's making my mood kind of change.


"Harry?" I call out, throwing my bag on the couch and walk to the kitchen. He isn't there, the kitchen is clean.


"Harry?" I call out again and turn around to walk out and I smash into a person smelling of roses.


"Hi.." He simply chimes his dimples on display and I smile immediately, "you were calling for me?"


"I was, yes" I nod and step a little back but I'm still standing a lot close.


"How was your day?" He places his hand on my cheek and it's so soft and so warm and it's so huge it's covering half of my face.


"It was as usual.." I shrug and place my hands on his waists. I've never been this cheesy my whole fucking life and no matter how much I cringed every time I saw a couple standing like this, I still want this, I still need this to happen in my life. Every second of it. Because now I don't cringe, I crave for it.


He pecks me lightly, "you hungry?"


"Like a lot.." I chuckle and his lips curve.


"Okay" he nods frantically. As if this was the moment he was waiting for. "You change and I'll bring you your food? How's that sound?"


"Quite nice" I nod. Everyone knows I'm this person who likes to order people to do things for me. Like if something has to be done it'll be done however I want it. Basically I like to be bossy. I'd change it if it doesn't suit me. But with Harry, I can lie down and he'd do the fuck he wants to do with me and I'd smile through it. No complains.


"Didn't you go to your office?" I ask. He's been here doing all this I guess.


"I did.." He nods , "I came back early. I was just half an hour early. Why?"


"I don't know. You seem restless" I shrug. "I can feel the tension.."


"It's nothing"


"Well I do. Don't I?" I look at him, "tell me"


"I will. First you need to change. C'mon" he slaps my butt. Shit!


I'm too lazy to fight him right now. Anyways, "okay"


I walk to the room. Fuck! I'm too tired to change into my own clothes. So I pick up the first clothing material i see and I figure out its Harry's. No problem. I take my tshirt and my jeans off head to the washroom and do stuff and come back and see his shorts and a T-shirt I see and head out.


What is he upto? As I walk towards the hall a strong lavender fragrance keeps entering my nose and then I see Harry. Sitting behind a table with candles all around it and his elbow resting on it and his chin resting on his palm and he's sitting sideways so I can see he's sitting cross legged.


Wow. Should I say i love him or is it implied?


"May I ask whats the special occasion?" I walk towards him smiling because I can't contain it and anyways, why should I?


He stands up when I reach the table and he walks up to me to pull my chair. He being so full of manners is nothing new to me but he surprises me every time.


I sit down and he sits down on his chair the same way he was sitting before.


I don't know what came into my mind, "Let me take a picture of you" I pull out my phone.


His eyebrows crease immediately but he chuckles at the end, his tongue licking his lips, "What? Why?"


"Because I need a photo to masturbate to" I laugh and shrug. His smile fades away immediately. He looks like I actually did masturbate at his photo and he just discovered it and he feels disgusted. His body stiffens up.


"I'm joking!" I say, trying to cool down. Maybe I said something wrong. I shouldn't have said that probably. It's wrong. I get it. "I'm kidding. I didn't mean that"


"Then what did you mean?" He uncrosses his legs and starts pouring juice in our glasses.


"I just..back then when I told Mark about you, he asked me to show him your photo and i.. Um didn't have one.."


"We don't have one" he corrects me.


"Yeah that's what!!" I bang the table lightly.


"Okay .." He chuckles.


"Fine then..." I take out my phone from the Harry shorts that I'm wearing. He changes his position. "Hey! Sit like you were sitting before.."


He starts to fidget, "how was I sitting?"


"Like with your chin resting on your palm. And you were sitting sideways.." He positions himself like that.


"like this?"


"Yeah right! Just like that" I drag my chair back, "lemme take in a nice view.." I walk back opening the camera on my phone. I cover the table we're sitting at, in the frame. He looks so pretty, smiling at the camera or maybe he's smiling at me, the candle light shinning at his skin and it makes him look like an angel praying. I click a few multiple pictures of him.


"Stop.." He says as the shutter sound keeps making noise. "Enough.." He chuckles and I capture that. His dimples showing and him looking all flushed and flustered.


"I don't want to stop because you’re doing so good babe" I tell him.


"No! C'mon" he whined again and I stop and sit back at my place.


"I got a bit flustered" he says, wiping his face off, "my face got all warm.." He looks red. Real flushed cherry red.


I don't say anything, I just smile at him. I smile at his innocence. If you ask me it takes me a million times to get ready for a picture. I don't like people taking pictures of me. And for Harry getting ready at once and then talking about it is very surprised yet goals I would like to achieve in real life.


"Okay now" Harry sits straight and I do too. "Let's drink to our first official date?" He picks up his glass and I do too.


"This is a date?" I want to look surprised, "..in our nighties?" I make a disgusting face.


He laughs like this Harry laugh, where he squishes his eyes and scrunches his nose and all
his teeth show.


"What are you laughing at?" I whine.


"You.." He keeps laughing. He keeps the glass down, "you said..." The fuck he keeps laughing at? He continues breathing in "you said nighties!" He's about to bang the table to death, laughing.


"So?" What's there to laugh about? We're sitting in clothes we're going to sleep in, what's there to laugh at?


"You're so cute Lou" he scrunches his nose. "You said nighties like those ladies wear. Once I saw Gemma wearing..those!"


"Okay! I get it very funny. I'm hungry"


"Okay. I'll serve food. Don't worry.." He silences down.


"By the way where is Gemma?" I ask. I haven't seen her yet.


"She's been back after a few months so she's sleeping over at her friends' place"


"Oh okay!"


He uncovers the food and starts serving. Whatever it is, it smells great.


He serves the both of us. "You remember this?" He places a piece of paper folded in front of me. This happened like out of the blue.


I don't pick it up. "What's this?" I ask.


"It's the chit with a message. Then one you gave me on my birthday? You remember?"


"Yeah..I do" how can I not? I gave it to him.


He doesn't pick up the chit. "It says 'You make me feel a whole lot special, all the time. I hope I do that too'..." He looked at me while saying that. Fuck I hope I didn't trip. I hope my face didn't change. But it did.


"Uh..a.." I clear my throat. The thing I'm most scared of is going to happen in front of me, right in this moment and the fact that I'd have to do it myself is scarier than anything I've ever done or even thought of. I have to tell him about my feelings or why I wrote that. Or if only I could explain him why it's difficult for me to put anything, specially my feelings, in words I'd do that. I can't explain anyone this. It's not that I'm specifically talking about Harry here. No one. I can't explain this to anyone. If someone dared to understand without asking me that they'd like to understand the reasons behind this and not ask me ever to tel my feelings I'd understand that they understand.


Harry here, maybe, he knows I don't like to talk about feelings. Maybe he's wondering why? Sometimes I don't know myself. Like in this moment I wouldn't expect him to do this, cook all this dinner decorate the room and stuff for me but he did didn't he? So does that mean I need to do this back for him? I don't know. Or maybe he just wants my words for it.


His glare is making me a little uncomfortable only about the fact that I don't have any words to speak right now. But I anyways stutter, " you..uh you still have that?" I ask simply.


"Why wouldn't I?"


I shrug. I don't even know what to do next. Like keep sitting here or should I say anything or should I just walk away? Walking away would be wrong and very rude.


And then suddenly Harry gets up, drags his chair adjacent to mine and sits down his elbows resting at his thighs as he leans forward and takes both my hands in his. Believe me my breath hitched not once but many and my heart beat, it's probably racing.
"You have to know this.." He begins, "I'm very glad that you think I make you happy. I never expected that someone would actually say that to me. I never even hoped. And you have to also know.." He looks up, "that you make me very happy. More than happy if I were to say honestly. I don't know what I did to be sitting beside you, here, Louis..."


"This is going very cheesy" I chuckle and he smiles back. My heart can't take so much of cheesiness in an hour. It's too much.


"But it's true isn't it?"


"Which part?" I ask.


"All of it..."


I nod, "..maybe" I shrug.


"It is. Louis it is. Don't you feel it? Don't you see we make each other happy all the time?" He squeezes my palms when he says that.


"That we're-back-together-and-nothing-can-tear-us-apart-anymore kind of happy?" I scoffs.


"What's wrong Lou?" He sensed it. "Did I say something wrong? Did I do something wrong? Are you not liking this?" He seems so tensed all of a sudden. It's not him. It's me.


"It's not you here Harry. It's me. You said back at my house that you'd marry me and it's been in my head. Did you know what that meant?" It scares me still. The thought of him keeping up with me all his life, scares me. Marry. The word itself comes with huge responsibilities and a whole lot of baggage which most people can't handle. And he said that so easily. "Are you ready to handle me? I can't even handle me"


"Yes. I know what I said there Lou. My offer is still open. Whenever you agree or don't.."


"Discussing marriage at dates. Lovely" I scoff again. "Let's eat.." I pull away lightly. I don't know why but I created this unwanted layer suddenly and now I am the one who feels uncomfortable.


"Okay. If that's what you want." He gets up takes his chair back to his place and sits down to eat.


We sit in silence munching on my food and takes sips of juice in my glass. Even with this uncomfortable layer I still feel comfortable. Like I don't have to pretend in front of him that I don't posses much table manners when it comes to eating in front of him. Like I wouldn't have to play pretend.


I break the silence, "This is so cliche romantic except the part that we're both having orange juice rather than champagne or the most expensive vine in your bar. It's cliche in that way"


"You mean that you saw this happening. That you expected I'd do this? Arrange this evening.?" He ask taking in the last sip of his juice.


"No not in that way. I wouldn't have expected someone to do all this for me and I feel very special. Thank you. I meant more in having a date as a couple." I shrug.


"Okay I get it. Well there was a reason behind all this. A reason I want you to know" he places both his hands on the table.



"What? Are you going to entertain me?" I laugh mocking him.


"Well I didn't plan that but I can sure juggle for you" he smiles.


"You can juggle?" He looks surprised. Yes I did it.

"yeah" i nod, "wanna see?"

"no!" he says quickly laughing, "i'm fine without having to see you perform your talents"

"you are?"

"very"

a minute must've passed when i spread my arms on the table.

"I don't like it very much. The look of my arms.." He speaks.


"Why? I love all your tattoos. Specially the rose."

Notes

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