LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

Louis POV


I just want to run to my room and cry forever.


When I turned around I stopped myself from barging into Lottie.




"I thought you were gone. Why are you still here?" She has her hands on her waist and she's looks so angry at me. I'm literally fighting back my tears.




"Get out of my way" I growl back at her. I don't have time for all this.




"I heard what Harry said and what you said a while ago standing at the door. Are you fucking nuts?"




"Mind your language and your business Lottie. And this doesn't concern you so...out of my way" I step aside to walk to the stairs but she steps in front of me again.




"Just stop right there will you?" She has her hands on my chest. "What is this you're going on about us being all miserable and shit? And yes mum talks to me so don't in any way think you are the one she loves all the time"




"What?" I can't even let my brain process what she's thinking because all I have in my head are images of Harry all broken and driving away from me even though I turned around before he could walk away. But closing my eyes when I'm getting shit isn't going to save me from not getting shot.




"Yes. Do you actually think that mum is all sad? Dan doesn't help us? I, in particular, am all messed up 20 year old who wants to just run away from family? No Louis. I don't. We're not that cliché unhappy family and out offal of us you know that. Yes mum wasn't well because you left but it was only because it was so sudden and she was worried about you. That's all. We all were but this doesn't mean that you get to 'sacrifice' stuff for us...” She air quotes sacrifice. Maybe if my head could stop creating images of Harry being all hurt I would have a better understanding of what Lottie is saying.




Fuck! I don't even know if I'm anymore listening to her. Seriously shit.




"Are you even listening to me?!" She almost shouts."C'mon go. Stop Harry before he walks away after what you said to him. I don’t know the main reason why you're so worried and all upset about this but believe if mum knew what you did right now she'd slap you hard enough to get your brains back. So just like leave. Stop him!"




My heart rate has gone up. Maybe after she shook I something inside me changed and maybe my feet were ready to run. "Call him at least" she shakes me awake again, "Louis!" She hands me her phone.




"I shou-ld?" I asked her not sure if my mouth actually said that. I don't know. I'm all phased out and I'm doing just what my heart is making me do. Fuck! I feel dizzy.




"Fuck yes!" She unlocks her phone. "Do it!" She almost shouts, "what's his number I'll dial?!"




Fuck. What? Maybe if I pay attention to what she's saying that to pay attention at why Harry went away and paying attention that the answers all accuse me, I probably would've never let him leave and he'd still be here and we’d be in each other arms.




"I shouldn't have let him walk away" I say to her




"What?" She looks at me all bewildered and frowning in angst.




"I shouldn't have. He deserves so much better than this"




"Are you out of your mind Louis. I heard what you said. Even when you’re scared of being alone you're going to let him go? What kind of fuckery is that?"




"He deserves so much better than I treated him. I can't bring him back to this"





"Just call him I said" she almost stuff s her cell in my hand.




"No!"




"Don't be a child"




"I'm not being a child and please stop interfering in my personal life"




"I can't when you're acting all foolish"




"What about you guys then? Huh?"




"What about that? We're all fine. If he makes you happy then what the fuck are you here for?"




"I don't know."




"Just tell me his number goddammit"




"I don't remember it"




"Stop it already"




When I tell her his number I didn't expect myself to remember it. I don’t. I didn't really have to think much to remember it anyway.




"Here it's ringing" she says and hands it to me."C'mon" with every bell that's ringing my heart rate is speeding up end somewhere down my throat a lump is forming. I wipe my face before I get a chance to speak. I don't even know what to say to him. I don't know. But Lottie's put me in such a situation I can't help where I am.




7 bells have already rung and he hasn't picked up yet. I'm regretting why I decided to take this call but I am and I can't really help with what’s happening.




"He-llo" my heartbeat must’ve stopped because all I heard was this crooked hello and a beeping sound which hasn't shut down yet or maybe I'm just imaging it. "This...this is Harry styles" maybe I should thank God for not letting this go to his answering machine but I also want to cut the call and go drown somewhere. He clears his throat because I can hear it and he's breathing roughly, I can hear it.


He sniffles, “hello?” clearing his throat again. Fuck! Only if I could talk.


“Harr-y?” I speak my throat automatically going dry. Fuck. I shouldn’t have spoken.


“Why are you calling me? I’m already hurting so much. Stop making a fool of me now...” he says. It’s true whatever he’s saying. It’s fine.


“I’m sorry Harry. And maybe this means nothing right now. But I’m just...I wish I had met you sooner. When I was sixteen because then you wouldn’t deal with what I am now. You wouldn’t have to deal with the shit I have become and I wouldn’t have fallen for people wh-o made me this weak. I wouldn’t have this baggage. If I knew you back when I was little I wouldn’t be this rude person I am now. And…maybe…. m-aybe I wouldn’t have to cry all the time just to say wha-t normal people can say without crying. I wouldn’t overreact just to ask something from you...And we’d probably be a normal couple and go on…da... dates and discuss our favourite restaurants and books and colours an-d kiss in sunsets but… ” I wish I could just stop crying right now and die because this is too much. I wish I could stop hurting him so much.



He hasn’t said anything and it feels like forever listening him sniffle and breathe heavily and roughly as if he’s crying hard but he’s just trying to muffle his voices. As far as it’s comforting to at least hear him, I want him to say something just anything.


“Say some-thing... har-ry...” I can’t stop crying if he’s going to do it this way.


“I wish I never liked you in the first place Louis. And you know why? Because after that moment all I’ve thought about are you. And no matter what you think I am, I know people mean a lot to mean I know I attach myself to them as soon as I see them smile at me. It’s a habit haven’t been able to take myself out of. I still remember the day you said you wanted to be my wifey. That moment has played in my head in a loop and its still there. It’s probably stupid. Maybe you didn’t mean anything when you said that. But it did to me…it still does. So don’t try to come back to me if you’re going to just play with me...don’t. I’ve been played enough”


“I want to be as sorry as I can be if I ever made you feel less wanted because believe me harry I’ve wanted you more than anything I’ll ever want. And it’s not stupid. Nothing’s stupid. Have you left?” I wipe my face. I wish I had this much courage inside me before I let him walk away. Before I hurt him.


“What?” his voice sounds sudden.


“Have you left, harry?” my voice is more clear and I turn around to look at Lottie and she's just standing there smiling. What?


“No!” he’s surprised I guess, “no I haven't. I kind of like turned left from your block...”


“Just wait there...for me”


“wha..Okay! I will”


I hang up the call and hand the phone back to Lottie. “Can you hurry up and get my phone and wallet from my room. I’ll go tell mum I’m leaving?”



“Yeah ok”


---------------------


My feet are resting at the dashboard with the street lights passing by and the breeze hitting my face as I lie down while Harry's driving.


If I ever told my older self that I would actually be going away from this life I hate I wouldn't have ever believed myself but right now nothing seems impossible. Nothing seems more important than the person sitting right next to me driving. Helping me run away from something I don't want to be a part of. Everything is a flashback now. From the moment I ran away from the same house I'm driving away from. It plays at the back of my head; the moment I took a bus from the beach all messed up because in that I thought running away was everything. If I could tell my four month old self that this person sitting beside me would've rescued me and would've actually driven away with me from here, I would've kicked and laughed at myself but guess what it is happening.


It seems almost impossible and overwhelming that it's actually happening. I don't even know how in the first place I did something to deserve this. To be an actual fucking moron who is in this same place with an actual fucking angel.



Who knew the world needed me too.


Harry's POV


The moment before my phone rang all I thinking about was how I was going to crash my fucking car into a tree or jump off a cliff like Thelma and Louise but Louis can't know that. The fact that he's sitting beside me while I drive away from this place means everything to me.


I've never known any person as deep as him and no person has occupied my head as
long as him. When he loves he loves someone being unrecognizable. Not everyone notices it. He does it quietly yet harshly just to make them miss what he is. But even then he loves like that's all he has and that's always he has been. He loves in a way that you want to love him back the way he loves you, even when you can't. He loves you silently and yet passionately. And I love it how he's shy but also how he knows how to stand his ground in an argument. And I love how he reads and falls asleep instantly and not stand in front of mirror trying to adjust his own self. I love how his eyes shine all different colours all the time. Sometimes when he's happy they're the brightest blue and when he's upset they're grey and when he's just looking at you they seem a darker blue yet bright enough you'd able to see your reflection. And sometimes he'd stare right back at you with those pretty ones like he'd swallow you right in and then when you concentrate he'd laugh catching you off guard and kiss you when you're not looking. I love how he hates crying all the time because crying is for losers but doesn't hesitate when he has to cry in front of me.


But sometimes all I feel like is that I don't deserve him. Whatever he is, this tiny being occupying my whole universe, he doesn't deserve me. In too messed up and ruined for him. As pure and as kind he is, he needs a soul which is as pure as his and not mine all ruined and used and waste.


"Are you hungry?" He asks simply, still looking outside the window.


"Yeah...I mean if you are we could stop by somewhere? But we got to pick up Gemma first."


"Okay...Sure...” He smiles turning to me. He adjusts the backrest of the seat backwards and lies down facing me.


The way his gaze his falling on me it's making me conscious but not completely conscious. It's more of a warm comfortable homey feeling than of a complete stranger situation.


"I'm sorry I overreacted" he speaks lowly enough for me to hear over the engine noise.


"No. I understand. It's not overreacting. You were concerned about your family and in get it"


"No just take it. Don't try to make me feel better just because I'm here. Take my apology. You deserve it. In no way I had the right to treat your feelings like they were worthless."


"Now you're the one who’s trying to make me a victim... trying to make me feel better...” I shrug lightly.


He places his palm on my thigh, gently squeezing, "No...Fuck..." He curses lightly under his breath, "I'm sorry for everything Harry. I'm sorry for the past month. I'm sorry I treated you wrong. I'm sorry...”


"Hey..." I think he's going to cry again. I've never seen him cry this number of times that too on a loop and trust me this is a little concerning. "Lou.." I place a palm lightly on his cheek and nuzzles in. "its fine. Look at me I'm fine. I'm here...”


"I know...” He takes a deep breath, "I just...I'm sorry for all the things you felt because of me...you came all the way here...and I couldn't even acknowledge the fact you were the best thing that ever...that ever happened to me...you have to know this. You deserve so much more than what I have and I'm sorry I can't give you all that..." He sniffles. I don't know where all this is coming from but if this is coming from something that concerns him I need to know it.


"It's enough. Whatever you have and whatever you share with me Lou, it's enough. And sometimes all I feel is that it's too much... But it's good too much but not choking kind of too much and love that I'm surrounded by your presence..."


"No...” He sobs, "I just...”


"Are you okay? Is there something I can help you with?"


"I just want to tell you all this because I owe you and I love you more than anything I have ever loved or I ever will. I want to tell you this because..."


"Hey...” This is concerning, what is wrong he needs to tell me, "is there something? What the matter Lou?" I pull over, switching on the parking lights.


I turn to him, holing his by his arms, "tell me please. I'm worried...”


"It's nothing...” He sniffles again deep breathing, "it's just my...I loved my granddad so much..." He starts to cry for real. Everyone he cries it's not emotional. It's not attached to someone or something but this time it is. I shift closer, pulling him in my embrace. "He was everything to me. He taught me how to ride a bike...” He sobs and pulls him to my chest and he sits there hugging me, my shirt tightly squeezed between his fists as if I would let go of him. "He was practically my dad and now ...now he's gone and I didn't get to ..." He sniffles, "I didn't get to spend his last minutes with him and tell him and thank him for everything he has been to me..." He snorts squeezing into me more.



"I'm sorry I...” He stars to pull way but I hold him and he chuckles, "leave me Harry...”


"No...” And nuzzles in.


"I didn't want to be my dad, Harry. I wanted to be my granddad. I wanted to stay with them even if it led to me being not able to move out of a hell hole...I would've sacrificed everything...”


"If it comes to that. We'll do that too.."


"We will?" He sounds so good with his high pitched surprised tone.


"Yeah...definitely. We'll be the gay parents...”


He scoffs laughing lightly.



I must've sat holding him like that for a couple of minutes before he starts to pull away and my phone rings. I check and shit its Gemma calling. Shit! She's already at the airport and I'm 20 minutes away.


"Shit we're late Lou...” I chuckles and turn the engine on.


"Oh! I'm sorry. I shouldn't have...”


"Stop saying sorry like bless you...okay. I understand. I'll be the last person on this earth you'd ever have to apologize to.

Notes

it's short but it's sweet!

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