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LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

chapter 105

Harry's POV


I'm lying on the bed half drunk, half asleep and I'm about to cry. I don't know why but this is too much. I'm missing him. This bed is missing him, my arms are missing him and my lips are missing him. Fuck I'm missing him so much in the moment that the physical hurt in me is not enough. I'm hurting and I'm missing him too much that if I died right now it wouldn't be enough. It wouldn't be enough to kill the pain inside for him.


Every atom inside me or around me, everything is hurting. Every damn thing. I should smoke but I don't know if that's going to help me. If me being so miserable alone isn't going to help me get back to him just tell me what will.


My phone is lying in my hand. I have a half written text at 1 in the morning waiting to be sent but I don't know how to send it. It begins somewhat like ~I love you so much please come back.


It's not a quote from a book or a phrase of some poem simply becasue my drunk self can't think about one right now but even if I was sober enough to think one i'd still want to send this to him.


Or I can just send a simple ~Hi. I don't know should I even text? I'll text probably because I have the courage now I won't have it when I'm sober.


I send him this...
H~ Hi. Couldn't sleep. Can you?


I didn't think much before sending this but I'm pretty sure my heart rate went up. I keep the phone aside. I don't know if I should even wait for a reply because he isn't obliged to text me back. He owes me nothing.


But I guess he did because when the phone pinged I was so fast in picking it up.
L~i'm glad you know how to text. Yeah I was asleep.
Another ping
L~im lying I wasn't. :)


Something about that smiley makes me wanna smile too. I could send him those hearts emoji. He has know how I'm feeling.


H~What you doing?


L~Trying to sleep but I guess this is better. What you doing?


H~I'm drunk.


L~how many nights in a row?


H~you don't want to know this


L~sure I do Harry.


H~ can't remember correctly right now. My head hurts


L~mine too.


H~I'm sorry about your loss Lou. I should've been with you.


I don't even know what I'm typing anymore. It's just what my subconscious is telling me
and I'm sending him that.


L~you really are drunk. But seriously you're better off where you are. I was better where I was. I wanna run off from here.


I don't even know why he's telling me all this. Not when he literally wanted to bash my skull on a wall a week ago.


H~why don't you like it? Come back. I miss you I'm sorry to let you walk away.


L~the funeral service is in the morning. I don't know though. I don't feel good. I'm not my best.


H~lou I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.


L~how many times are you gonna say that? I know how sorry you are for my loss.


H~i just wanted to make you feel better. Seriously Lou I'm very sorry about that.


L~how are you going to make me feel better when you can't even make yourself feel better?


H~i don't know. I just wanted to be there. With you.


L~are you okay?


H~why? What happened to me?


L~no... I meant. Fuck I don't even know how to ask you


H~ask me


L~have you cut recently? I don't even know how to twist this into a better question. I'm sorry if it sounds rude.


H~i'm proud of my one month clean badge. My therapist gave me. You are never rude.


L~Wow. Congrats. You've been doing better.


H~if you only knew. You should sleep though. I'm drunk anyways so I don't know how long I'm gonna be awake to pass out


L~yeah. Probably. Good night.


H~Come back, please. I don't know how else to phrase it.


L~you don't have to. I wanna run away from here again. This place is crushing me. I'm not my best here and it's holding me down.


H~then be back. Why are you there when you don't want to be? You don't have to be with me either, I'm never going to force you if you don't want to but do what you really need to.


L~is this your drunk self or your real brain?


H~dunno


L~probably drunk. I'm so confused because if I really think about being back I don't know where to go ..



H~I'll forever welcome you.


L~Give me one reason to be back. I don't even know where to go after the funeral tomorrow. I hate it here. I wanna run away again.


H~i love you Lou. I've stopped feeling safe since you've been gone and its so scary. The world seems too empty without you here Lou. Just be back. Isn't it enough reason? Don't you wanna stop running?


L ~its so fucked up Harry. Every fucking moment lying here texting you thinking about what to expect from the next second. Just know that it fucking hurts even more because I walked away from someone who called me beautiful. It was me. Good night hazza.


Fuck! Even before I realized my face was already wet. I couldn't muster up the courage to continue texting. I cried. I cried hard. Hardest I've ever had. It's hurting me more than anything ever has. It's hurts me more than those times Nick hurt me physically. It's hurts in the deepest parts of my heart and in the most tragic way. I don't know what to do. I can't even read the text again because it's so blurry, eyes clouded with tears and I'm crying.


He's hurting too and he's blaming himself. I can't even imagine what he's going through right now with hating it there and being there for his family at the same time. He so much so hates it he mentioned about running away four times in five texts.


Fuck! I don't care in the moment if someone heard me crying. I don't fucking care. It hurts me more than those times I've been drunk for days without pills. It hurts me more than putting together every time I cut. It's hurts me more than life could've hurt me. I'm hurting so much I don't even know how to stop it. Fuck! All I want right now is Louis by my side forever.


Fuck! It's hurting me and I'm howling and I'm crying and I am screaming and I am out of breathe and I fucking hate this and I want all this to end and I'm fisting all the linen sheets and I'm throwing all the pillows on the floor and I'm throwing the duvet because fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck this is so bad so bad and fuck I fucking hate it.!!!


I don't want anything. I can't live like this if he's not going to be here. I wish I could cut and release the pain I have inside of me and feel like what ecstasy makes you feel. But that won't help because that's not what I want. I want Lou and Lou and Lou and Lou. I want to touch his face, stare at him, love him, take care of him, do all the things he wants me too, call him beautiful and perfect and pretty and love and hug him and kiss him and everything else. I'll drink tea if he wants me to. I'll stop drinking alcohol if he wants me to. I'll do anything for him. Anything. Just bring him here. Here beside me.


And Fuck! The worst part about this hurt is that I do not have anyone to love anymore. And the best part about having him to love was the comfort of his arms and the warm silence that shrouds the air when I'm reading a novel and lying in his lap with my eyes shut as I embrace the silence and peace. No place would ever give me as much solace and silence as his arms. No aesthetic is as calming as his oceanic blue with the hint of green eyes. No music is soulful as his voice deep and soft. His voice has became my love song when it greeted me every morning and the last thing I heard when I went to sleep every night. I know I will never wish for it to be replaced with another. I'd rather die than live with that.



Louis' POV


I woke up with someone shaking me up. I got scared for a minute when I opened my eyes and it was Mark. I got scared for that instant because it seemed like those moments when he used to shake me in the similar way when he'd found me at some corner of the street drunk. My heart beats so loud right now I'm sure Mark can hear it.


It must've been only 2 hours after I dozed off crying texting Harry when I see Mark over me frowning.
"You gotta get up Louis! Everyone is almost ready!"


"Yeahhh. Fuck. What time is it?" My head is spinning with all Harry drunk.


"It's 8 something. Go now! Your mom isn't doing good without you. She needs you." He's panting a little is what I realize when I see less blurry and my head can think straight.


"What?!" Is all I say with my dry throat.


"I just came back from your house and your mum's not okay so just go now!" He pulls me up from my shoulders and now I'm standing and he's making me wear my shoes and after a minute I'm on my feet running through my house entrance. As I enter in I'm in a second snapped out of my zone. I'm back to looking for my mum. I think I'm worried as much as I can for I don't even know the real reason behind her not being okay. I know this granddad dying git her but what!


"Lou!" Lottie calls for me in an alarming tone. "Come here!" She looks panicky in her black long sleeve shirt dress with her long cardigan on. "Mum's here" she whispers when in reach.


I enter in and I gasp. What the fuck? Why is she asleep? Is she okay? My couldn't have gone wide with the little yellow pill bottles lined up at her night stand. Fiz and phobie are dressed as well but they're sitting by the bedside opposite me. They look worried too.


"Is mum okay?" I ask whispering to both of them.


"This is her third panick attack. She's not well and.." Phobie speaks but Lottie interrupts her.


"Enough phobie!" Lottie comes barging in but keeping her tone low. "Mummy told you not to tell"


"Hey!" I stop Lottie, "what's wrong? They haven't done anything. You're supposed to tell me and I think they're better at their job than you are? Hmm?" I glare at her angrily. "What the fuck Lottie?!" I mouth.


"It's not me. Mum told us not to tell you stuff. She just wanted to spend some time with you not worrying about stuff". Lottie folds her hands shrugging. I know she's worried too but she shouldn't be treating phobie like that and she should also be telling me things that are this important.


"What did happen?" I ask caressing Lottie's elbow. "C'mon"


"We were all ready and we were waiting for you so I called Mark to wake you up and stuff and then all of a sudden she started crying and panting and talking at the same time. We tried to calm her down but nothing helped but then Mark came and Dan he helped too. She fainted and then you know.." She sighs holding a lot in. Her voice shivers a little and she looks down at the feet. "She's gonna be okay, isn't she?"



"Lottie. Of course. Of course she's gonna be alright. She's gonna be alright" I hug her sideways.


"I called her doctor. She said she might wake up in 15-20 minutes. Probably we should let her sleep but she also said if she does wake up and wants to go to the funeral let her because she's not going to be fine if she wakes up and finds out we didn't take her with us. It's not gonna be good for her health" she sounds so worried and worked up I'm scared she might burst a nerve.


"Let's just let her wake up. She definitely would want to go the service. We can't steal this from her. After all he was everything. He was out constant."


"Yeah. It's just... Fuck Lou I think I'm gonna faint" she runs her fingers on her forehead. "Fuck" she whispers holding herself close.


"Okay let's just move out. I can't take in so much. Fiz, phobie.. C'mon" I whisper and they quietly pad against the floor to outside.


"I'm worried about her" fiz turns and walks up to me. "She isn't good when she's like that"


"It's okay Fiz. It's okay. She's going to be fine. Isn't she always good when she's not like that? She is fun isn't she? She just needs some more rest some times. It's nothing. " I hold her shoulders and hug her tight.


"You sure?" She questions.


"100%. Now go see if Dan is ready with everything. Hmm?" I kiss her forehead. She nods and turns around after a few steps.


"Stay here with all of us?"


When she says that everything I was ever afraid of returning here is flashing in milliseconds in front of me. Every damn thing. Me staying here. I can't. I can't even if every fiber in my body was against my decision of me leaving. I don't want to hurt her and tell her I won't be able to. I know I'm the only brother she'll ever get. I know if I ruin this for her, she'd be as ruined as I am. She'd be done with everything. She's never going to believe that people can stay for you for their sake. Without the selfish reasons clouding them.


Everything is ruined for me ever since. There have been so many people leaving me. The ones I've looked up to. My dad. My real dad. I don't even remember his face. The real face I saw with my own two eyes. He left her when I was 5. My new dad came a year after. I was 8, probably 9 when he left my mum. When he knew he'd got her pregnant with twins and mum wanted to keep them. That's what mum has told me. She never talks about him until I'm nudging her to. Lottie doesn't even know he existed like ever. My new dad came after 1year 10 months I guess. I never bonded with him. I don't know why he was even here that moment. He was here for 4 years until Dan came. I was a bit annoyed at first. You know the teen stuff. But he never bothered me. He never stopped me from doing anything. Probably because I was never under a bad influence. But he didn't know I was being bullied and stuff until my mum noticed one day and hell came crashing.


It wasn't new. It had already been going on since I was 13-14. I was okay. It was just name calling then. Nothing physical. Later at senior year I once got hit. Real bad. I spent a week at the hospital. Concussions and a broken arm. My mum sued the kids but didn't help. They blamed me. But whatever. It's nothing new. The cliche stuff.


But the only problem was when the same kids got into the same college as mine. Different courses though. They were math majors. Failures though.


Anyways fuck! It's depressing to think about that and I've been standing in this place for a good 10 minutes when I hear mum calling. She's awake?


"Lottie!" I call and run to the room behind me. I enter in and mum is trying to get up.


"Careful mum" I help her up. "You need anything? You feel okay?" She looks rested. A little.


"Yeah" she whispers groaning a little as she sits up. "Are we late?"


"No! Not at all. We'll leave when you are ready"


"Okay" she smiles. "Thankyou"


"For what mum?"


"For being here "she sniffs. Fuck! I swear if someone else comes to me about telling me to stay and stuff. I don't know what but I'm running the fuck away. Miles, countries away from here. This town is fucking me up so bad my head is spinning.


When we were at the service Lottie held me and I held her. I cried. I cried loads. Lottie cried. My mum cried her heart out. My cousins did too and some of my mum's sisters did too. My granddad. Shit. He's gone now. I don't have a fatherly figure. Not anymore. Fuck. I'm crying standing here as they're lowering the coffin. Fuck!!


I'm shaking and Lottie is hugging me so tight I can't breath. She isn't even looking and her head is squished into my chest and it's hurting to look at Lottie, the twins and my mum being so vulnerable and afraid. It's hurting me so much I wish I had someone to hold onto in this moment because I can't help them. I can't. I'm so weak in this moment crying that if someone, even though the back of my head knows who, touched me I'd crash. I'd crash so bad I'd break down into pieces of myself I'll never be able to collect. And fuck me. Never.


Mark is somewhere behind in the crowd. I wipe my face one last time wishing tears won't fall again. Wishing a lot of things. Wishing I could just forget everything. Just everything and sit down in a corner and cry till this fucking world ends. This is something too much for me. Too much. First granddad, second mum and all these siblings who look at me like I'd save them from this world and then there's Harry. My head spins just right. I mean if I had to look at a spot and not feel like the earth is spinning and I'm going through an earthquake I'd tell you different but no I can't.


When there is perfect silence while they're setting the coffin down and we've performed our last rights there are roars of cars being parked. I can hear light sobs of everyone. My mum in Dan's arms wrapped like a koala, almost. I wish I could go and tell her everything will be fine. Everything that's happened with me not being here even about the facts which I don't know, I wanna tell her it's gonna be alright. Everything bad will vanish away. Everything. But I can't do that. I can't because it's not gonna be alright. I can't imagine everything is going to okay because where I am standing alone in this crowd of people I feel helpless. With my whole world crashing around me I feel helpless and hopeless and nothing in the moment can make me feel better about things.


Someone taps really lightly on my shoulder and I flinch when I turn around.
"Are you okay?" Its Mark. He asks me in a broken voice. His eyes are a bit swelled up. Did he cry too?


"Yeah. Fine. Did you cry?" I ask


"Yeah. Why can't I? He was my granddad too. You really forget we're cousin brothers.." he always gets defensive when upset. Well, he's my brother so can't say any different.


"Shit" he looks past me, "don't turn around" he wipes his face trying to act I don't know.


"What?"


"Stan is here with someone" he gulps. "Don't"


"Okay" I shrug. Well if my brain was working properly right now I'd have already turned around. But my reflexes don't work when I'm not working.


"Fuck" mark mutters


I feel a tap on my shoulder and I turn. My head was already spinning and after seeing the two faces I could've just gone blind.


"Hi!" Stan greets a bit subtly. I don't have any problems with Stan. Like only 1 maybe. But I have problems with the guy with him. Fucking Sandy Rogers. I kind of promised myself to not go this mad when I look at his face but instincts don't stop working when you do.


"I'm sorry for your loss, Louis" Stan begins. "If it helps..." He continues, "he wants to offer his condolences" he nudges Sandy lightly. I don't even want to look at him and he's making me I don't know talk to him. He can go fuck himself.


I give him that shrug of I-don't-care but he nudges Sandy again and he looks at the ground before he looks up shoving his hands in his pocket. "I-.." He begins, "i know how much..how much your granddad meant to you. I mean you had this special bond with him. I'm sorry you have to go through this.." He says this so low I had to listen carefully.


"But I'm going through it. Aren't I?" I wanna show him my middle finger and walk away with Mark but as I said my reflexes don't work when I'm not working. When I say this Sandy doesn't react much but Stan gives me that look. Like c'mon dude he's trying thing. I'm here like fuck you he could've not tried to ruin things way back.


"Well I'm trying to figure out things here Louis. I've changed. I understand what I did wasn't right. And maybe whatever I say right now wont make what you been through go away but I wanna apologize. I'm sorry Louis. For everything." Why is he still speaking.


"Out of all the other days today..today you wanna ruin everything? Right now when I'm still not sure if the coffin is set. When I could still cry if someone tou-ched me..." Fuck. I can't cry. I can't cry here in front of Stan and Sandy. I can't. I know my voice broke when I spoke. Shit. Mark steps forward all of a sudden.


"Stan you can please help both of you to walk? It is anyway enough.." Mark speaks politely. He's always going to protect me. Isn't he?


"Okay" is what Stan says and walks away and Mark turns to me with a tear rolling down my cheek. Fuck this is too bad. I wanna hug Mark because he understands my pain in the moment. He's helped through every inch of pain and he understands me. He pulls me close, "they're shits. It's gonna be okay. Don't worry" he whispers hugging me and I do the same. Fuck. We're both almost the same height so it's like hugging another me. He sniffles when he pulls away and his eyes go wide suddenly.


"What happened?" I ask him and he looks away.


"Nothing. You don't wanna talk about it"


"I want to now, so please.." I wipe my face. What just happened?


"It's like going through Carl's funeral over again. I can't take this" he sobs.


"I know" I scoff lightly, "this world is shit man" I hug him sideways.


"It's all set. The dinner. I got a call from the caterers. It's gonna be at 4"


"Yeah? What is it now?" I look around and people are silently whispering and talking and walking back to the seats. Mum has gone back to car. Dan is standing there giving a speech about being thankful to the people who came.


"It's 2" he huff's. He pauses for a moment. Looks around. "Hey Louis?"


"Yeah?"


"I know this is not the time. I mean you'll be gone after this so I don't know when to ask you this.."


"It's ok you can ask me. You get this privilege with me. And to be honest I dot know where I'm going to go after the funeral."


"What? You're going to go back to where you were. There is nothing for you here" he seems so attached by this idea that this place sucks. It does but how I can I just leave my family in misery here?


"I know." I nod "you were saying..?"


"Yeah that.." he clears his throat, "will..will you take me with you?" He stuffs his hands in his pocket.


"To where? I'm not going anywhere right now?" I'm so confused.


"Not now!" He says quickly, "when..like...like after the funeral. You said you wouldn't stay here and you'd go back. Can you take me with you?" He says the last line so low I had to listen carefully.


But fuck! I am not even sure if I want to be here or go back how am I supposed to promise him to take him with me? This is everything is piling up on me. Harry, mum, Lottie, sandy, Stan and now Mark. Fuck. I can't even think properly right now. Fuck!
"Mark. Look. I don't know what to do really. I mean saying no or something. It's not upto Ms if I want to leave this town and go or stay here. It's not up to me anymore. Yes I ran away. Bug that was a stupid me..." He interrupts me.


"That wasn't stupid. Why do you keep saying that?" He caresses my upper arm.


"Because it was. Because when I'm standing here I see what I did. I see I let people down. I see my family and they look at me like I'm the hope they were looking for. I mean fuck..that don't even make sense"


"It does it does" he nods, "you ran away for your own good. You walked away from something you didn't like. That's what humans do Louis. You don't have to ashamed of that" he walks closer squeezing my arm lightly."don't think less of yourself because you did something for yourself "


"But don't you see? Don't tell me you don't. I mean take you for example. You're standing here thinking I'd save you. Thinking I'd save you from this town. These people. Your problems will vanish once you have gone from here. I can't save everyone Mark. I can't. I can't. I'm having a mental breakdown thinking about 'saving'.." I stumble on my feet, my head feels dizzy. Fuck. Fuck. What did I just say? He's been everything to me since I came back i said this to him? Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. He doesn't deserve this harshness. He doesn't. Not from me. Fuck!


His face has fallen when I look at him, "it's okay Louis" he mutters fake smiling, "I just thought maybe..." He gulps trying to hold back tears. I can't see it. Emotions have always been so clear on his face, "I just maybe I'd have a chance at making music since...anyways" he sniffles, "thank-you for even considering" he pat's my upper arm.


"We have to move from here in 10 minutes to be at the venue for dinner so..I mean,..." He pauses, "yeah whatever" and walks away. Fuck! Shit. What did I do? If only my mind could work when I don't. I seriously need someone to hold. To just hold and not say anything. To just like be here. Fuck I miss Harry so much. Only if he could be here. Fuck.


When all the guests have left the cemetery and my mum and the father have done everything to complete we moved back to our house to change. Mum wanted to change. She needed rest too. We still had an hour before dinner so yeah.


I didn't go in. I stayed at the porch smoking waiting if Mark would come out. I so want to go and apologize to him for it. For what I said. He doesn't deserve all of it.


I've smoked about 3 till now when Lottie comes out saying it's time for us to leave and everyone comes out walking. Dan is the last one after locking the house. Mark comes out from his house and follows to get seated in my car.


"Louis?" Dan calls before walking out of the porch "I know I don't seem to be a good one. But if there's anything you ever want or need or just want to talk, anything you're always welcome" he smiles.


Shit! He thinks. "Yeah..thanks" I smile back.


When I sit in the driver's seat in the car Mark looks upset. I know I did wrong with him. I shouldn't have said what I said.
"I'm sorry about what I said Mark. My brain doesn't seem to process what my mouth escapes. I'm sorry. I talk a lot of shit sometimes." I turn the ignition on.


"What? What are you even apologizing for?" He scoffs laughing


"Don't act stupid. I know what I said there. I'm sorry"


"Well you do talk shit sometimes"


"I know I'm sorry about that"


"Just don't say like that to anyone else. No one saves anyone. No one's in distress Louis. You just have to figure out things before they turn too bad" he looks at me with this serious look of hurt on his face. But fuck I did so wrong with him. He's right though. No one needs saving in this world. It's 2016. So it's like it's going to be okay somehow.n


"Yeah you're right. I'm sorry I ever said that"


"Not a problem. Happens" he smiles. When I turn to look in the front and hit the accelerator my eyes fall on the rear view mirror and I kind of stop before I hit it.


Why is a Range Rover pulling at the parking spot behind my car?

Notes

Happy New Year 2017 guys!

i know its late. too late but yeah! anyways! hope this year brings all the happiness you've been waiting for!

hope you guys like this chapter because the clocks aRe ticking and the heart rates are gonna go up in the next few chapters!!

vote! comment! subscribe!! rate!

all the love xx

Comments

Hi guys, if you are reading this fiction, please continue reading it on the new user id I have created. Which is "Boomelouu". The old one is "boomelou" The one I am using now. I shall be continuing the story there.

thankyou for all the love and support!

@LizzyM101
thanks for reading and staying!

@AlexxStylinosn28
Well, it has been the death of me!

JASLKDJGFLSKDJG these 119 chapters are gonna be the reason i fail schools,m fkjsdhabfkljsadhgf

@boomelou
I should be thanking you for writing such an interesting story. I love how its so unique and not like the other typical stories on this site. There much more depth to it. The chapters always keep me on my toes. PS I love love this chapter and Harry is trying to be brave and intimate with Louis.