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I Can't Hold Back

Chapter 18

I pretended to be asleep as I heard him putting on his clothes. There was a jingling of keys, a ruffling of shoes being put on, and then I heard him walk over to my side of the bed. He picked something off of the end table, and I tried to remember what I had laying on there. The next noise was a text ringtone, not my own, and then he put whatever he was holding back on the table. He coughed slightly, like he was trying to wake me up, but I kept my eyes shut and my breathing steady. He then let out a quick sigh and left the room. I waited until I heard the car drive away to get out of bed.

In the bathroom, I turned the shower nozzle all the way to the left and waited until my eyes stung with steam to get in. I began to cry as I let the scorching liquid cover my body, burning more with every drop. Through my tears, I grabbed at the loofa on the side of the tub and began to scrub away at my skin. I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. I scrubbed away my misery, my sorrow, my self-hatred. My skin became raw as I continued to scrape my body with all the strength I had left. The pain became harder and harder to bear, but I didn’t want to stop. I fucked up. For what felt like the hundredth time this year alone; I fucked up. How could I do this to myself…to Niall? My legs became weak and I dropped to the bottom of the tub in pain, blood circling around me in the water. I sobbed into my knees as my skin began to throb. Between my whimpering, I thought I heard a door open. I cried as I played what had happened over and over again my head. I could have stopped it. I should have stopped it.

“Charlie?” Naomi came into the bathroom and I didn’t bother to look up. “Oh my God, Charlie!” She was panicking and rushed over to me. I just kept crying as she took the loofa out of my hands and grabbed a soft washcloth. She didn’t ask any questions as she gently wiped my skin and rinsed out my wounds. I cringed when she began to wash me with my vanilla body wash, but the scent reminded me of Niall so I didn’t want her to stop. Once I was clean she turned off the water and wrapped a towel around me as she helped me out of the bathtub. She sat me down on the toilet as she went out to find me some clothes. When she came back holding one of the t-shirts Niall had left, I began to cry harder. She soothed me as she put the t-shirt on me over my head and stood me up so she could pull up my underwear. I felt like a helpless child. She wiped my eyes as I finally calmed down a little. “Tell me what happened, Charlie.”

I took a deep breath before saying the words I’d been regretting to say all morning. “I slept with Dylan.” Her mouth dropped open which caused me to cry even more. She rubbed my arms up and down as she took in what I had just told her.

“Don’t cry, sweetie. I’m not here to judge you. Just tell me what happened; I want to help you.” Her voice was soothing compared to the pounding of my brain inside my head.

“I was feeling like shit, you know? Niall…Niall hates me. He can’t even fucking look at me anymore. Did you know he told the boys not to talk to me? He doesn’t care what the fuck is going on with my life. I know he blames me for what happened. But it’s not like I fucking planned it this way. How was I supposed to know I was going to miss a step and fall down the stairs? How was I supposed to know I was going to have a miscarriage? I feel so alone. I have no one. Yeah, I have you and Kim, but sometimes that just isn’t enough. And Dylan…he was there for me...at least that’s what I thought. He listened to me and he held me while I cried. But then…” I held my face in my hands as I wept.

“Then what, Charlie?”

“Then he took advantage of me. He told me alcohol would take away the pain, and before I knew it I had nearly finished a bottle of Jack Daniels. Then I was feeling dizzy so he took me upstairs. And then…and then he started kissing me. And it felt so good at first you know? To feel like I was wanted. But even in my drunken mind I knew it was wrong. I tried to push him away but he wouldn’t let me. My arms were so heavy I couldn’t really be forceful, and I couldn’t find the strength to speak. And what happened next is only in my mind in pieces. I remember him taking off my clothes, then him putting on a condom, then he was on top of me and…” I cried as I relived the memories. This was so wrong – all of it. I shouldn’t have even invited him over. “It’s all my fault.”

“No it isn’t, Charlie. Don’t you dare think that! He took advantage of you and that’s fucking wrong.”

“But I shouldn’t have even let him inside, Naomi. What am I supposed to do? Niall will never forgive me now.” At this point my whole body went numb. The tears stopped falling and I felt dead inside.

“Don’t blame yourself! He knew exactly what he was doing. He knew what kind of emotional state you were in and still decided to do what he did. Oh I swear to God I will rip his face off…” I put my hand over her mouth and laughed. Seeing Naomi angry was a rare sight, and I forgot how red her face turned.

“Calm down, Hulk. As much as I’d love to see that it’s not even worth it. He’s long gone by now on his way to a job interview in San Francisco. We’ll just burn his house down or something.” She laughed as she wrapped me in a hug. It felt good to feel happy, even though the thought of what happened was still haunting my mind.

“Good, I have you laughing. I love you, Charlie, okay? I know you probably think you’re the devil right now but you’re not. People fuck up – it’s a part of being human. We make mistakes and we move on. And if people can’t accept that then they don’t deserve to be in our lives.” She wiped the tears off my face as I got up.

“I love you, too. I just don’t know how I can face, Niall. We barely talk and now I have to tell him about this. Will you drive me to the hotel? I don’t want to be alone when this all blows up in my face.”

“Of course I will. I always have your back.” She winked at me and I smiled as I went out to my bedroom to put on a pair of jeans.

--------

Walking up to the hotel room felt like an old routine to me. I had done it so many times before, but now the walk felt empty. Niall was supposed to be living with me, not here. I smoothed out my clothes while I stood outside his door. Wearing Niall’s shirt felt comforting, and maybe if he saw me in it he’d know I really loved him. I raised my fist and made two soft knocks on the door. My heart was beating fast as I heard a shuffling on the other side, and the light coming from the peep hole went black as someone looked into it. I heard a deep sigh before the door handle jiggled open.

“What are you doing here?” His voice was rough and quite frankly he looked like shit. His hair was sticking up in thirty different directions and his brown roots were strongly showing. There were dark rings under his eyes, and his face looked puffy as if his diet consisted of only salty junk food.

“Baby, I want to talk to you.” My voice was weak but I knew I had to be strong. Now was the time to grow up. He scoffed at me and looked down on the ground.

“I don’t have time for this, okay? Harry and I are going out later and I need to shower and shit.” He looked back up at me with disgust in his eyes. I was so taken aback I didn’t know how to respond, so I just stood there with my eyes pleading. This just pissed Niall off even more, and he rolled his eyes before speaking to me one last time. “Go home, Charlie.” He slammed the door in my face.

That motherfucker. That fucking MOTHERFUCKER. I pounded my fist on the door until my knuckles turned red. It finally opened, only this time Harry was standing in the doorway.

“Charlie, please. Niall doesn’t want to talk to you.” He was trying to be nice but I didn’t buy a word of it.

“Fuck you, Harry. And fuck you, Niall! Do you hear me? Fuck you! You don’t have the decency to talk to me? Fine! I’m glad I lost the baby, because now I don’t have a reason to deal with you anymore!” I screamed, my hands balled up into fists.

Harry’s eyes grew wide in horror as we both realized what I had said. I looked around in a panic, and started running towards the elevator. I needed to get out of here. As the doors opened, I ran inside and continuously pressed the button for the lobby. I sank into a ball of tears as the doors finally closed and the machine moved down.

------

The car ride back to my house was silent. Naomi could tell I was upset by my puffy, red eyes, but I didn’t want to talk about it. I thanked her once we arrived and promised I’d call her when I was feeling better. Before I could even put my key in the door, I heard someone get out of a car.

“Cat!” Dylan called as he jogged his way up to meet me. His short brown was gelled up and he wore a buttoned-down shirt and slacks. I stared into his dark brown eyes as he came to my door. “Sorry, but I wanted to talk to you before I make the drive up to San Fran. Are you busy?” I opened the door and had him follow me inside, not wanting the neighbors to hear what I was about to say.

When he closed the door, I blew up. “How fucking dare you. You think you can just come on over and pretend like everything’s okay? I may have been drunk out of my mind, Dylan, but I still remember what happened. You fucking took advantage of me and for what? So you could brag about it to your lacrosse buddies? Get your ass out of my house before I call the police.” I crossed my arms over my chest, but he wasn’t budging.

“Oh please, Cat. You wanted this and you know it. Why else would you have let me come over? Maybe it’s because you missed me and knew I would treat you better than that fucking Irish asshole. He doesn’t care about you like I do.” Talking shit about me was fine, but Niall? Oh FUCK no.

“You shut your fucking mouth. Niall does care about me; he cares about me a hell of a fucking lot more than you do. Niall would never try and sleep with me when I was that drunk. You practically had to carry me to my room, Dylan. I was vulnerable and you took that as an opportunity to get what you wanted. Again. You did it senior prom and you’re doing it now. I’m not your fucking prize, Carson.”

“Are you still on that? Get over it; it happened three years ago. I’m trying to help you here, Cat. You’re fucking miserable and I was trying to show you a good time. It’s not my fault you can’t move past this guy. You’re so fucking stuck-up now that you’ve been with someone famous. You’re just trying to hide the nerdy, insecure girl you were back in Manhattan. That Neal guy may not see it, but I do.”

“His name’s Niall you incompetent swine. And unlike you, I’ve grown up and moved on with my life after prep school. Now, how about you just walk out of my fucking life like you’re used to?” I snarled as I held the door open.

“You’ll be fucking sorry.” He sneered as he stormed out of the house and back to his car. I locked the door behind him, more than ready for bed.

As I laid under my sheets, I tried to get the thought of Dylan off my mind. He was a mistake; he always was. Why didn’t I realize this before? Dylan was my high school love, and that’s all hormones and teenage angst. But my love for Niall…that was real. Niall was the only person I ever truly loved. And how did I respond to that? I fucking sleep with the ex who I haven’t seen in three years. Jesus fucking Christ. I needed to talk to Niall, but after my blow up he’ll sure as fuck never want to see me again. I didn’t mean those words I said, I was just so livid. Oh God, what have I done?

Comments

Oh my gosh! The ending has left me crying! This story is filled with too much tragedy!

Just read the first chapter... USC? Sounds like the you are talking about University of South Carolina

Oh my god my heart feels broken!! You are such a great writer, I almost felt like I was experiencing the pain. I hope Niall and Charlie are together with their baby in heaven!! Great job on the story write another Niall story!! This time where they live lol!!

sniff niall died sniff nooooooooooooo! I loved it!, until niall died. I cried for hours! ur a very phenomiNIALL writer! read my story through the dark.its the one with the lyrics except they r about niall.

i just finished reading this and im a mess! you are a really talented writer :) i loved it

Jenny Styles Jenny Styles
1/14/14