Love In Lights

I was in love, completely and utterly in love.

The dress was a light gold, with a top see through layer of lace that had the most beautiful pattern I had every seen. It finished halfway up my thighs but flared out around my hip to give it more volume. The top of it was the same simple design, pulling tightly above the puff. I was in love and never wanted to remove myself from the Alex Perry dress. The nude coloured heels had laces that zigzagged across the front of my foot and tied themselves around my ankle. The best perk from becoming famous was the clothes that I could wear. I would literally sleep with every Alex Perry dress I had ever worn.

“The cars here!” Lucinda’s voice echoed around Frankie’s apartment building and was received with heels clacking across the floor and slamming of doors. I turned to grab the nude clutch resting on my bed and I double-checked that I had everything I needed within it.

My head felt strange as I moved, all of my hair had been piled neatly on top of my head. My fringe braided around the entirety of my head with the rest of the hair pulled up into a curly bun. I wasn’t used to having my hair up and away from neck, it felt odd, vulnerable and with a heavier weight on my head that was hard, at first, to get used to.

We piled down the stairs, passed security and into the awaiting white limo. There was a point in my life where I had thought that I would never get used to riding in something that was represented as an object only for the rich and famous and yet I did it at least once a week, unconsciously sliding into a car that made people turn heads.

I brushed the skirt of my dress when we climbed out of the car, perfecting the art of stepping out of a low limo, in heels and a short dress with every flashing camera within distance aimed directly at you.

We had a system by this point, a way to stand, to walk, to group together. It was almost on autopilot as we moved forward as a group, leaving enough space for photographers to gain photos from all angles.

We stood together, arms linked in one way or another while people yelled and told us how to stand, where to turn. Most we would ignore, occasionally glancing from one camera to another but that never stopped the bossy remarks we would earn. That would never really change.

After our respected amount of time Geoffrey began to usher us closer to the closed off large beach house in front of us. There would be no time for interviews tonight; only photos were permitted.

We moved gracefully down the way, our faces stonily set in their usual persona we had created for the paparazzi. Kate was a smiler while Frankie was much colder, her face straight her eyes firm. The rest of us fell somewhere between the two, wavering with our smiles but always keeping them simple. Our image had been set a long time ago and this is what we were.

We had five security guards with us tonight, Geoffrey leading the way but throughout the night in an event like this they would slowly blend in with the other security guards and magically reappear when we needed them or were ready to leave. It used to be a running game between Frankie and Geoffrey to see how quickly he would show up to help her, those games as well as many other times Frankie joked around have long since died off. The jokes became too serious, Frankie needed help more time in a night then was completely safe until the numerous times that Geoffrey had to carry her to the car after she passed out from some sort of drug or alcohol.

“We better find Jen.” Lucinda said loud enough for us all to hear over the music playing in the background. There was a real DJ set up in one area of the beach house. Some younger people were dancing around but most guests were old enough to not be dancing anymore, well not until they had a fair few cocktails first.

I followed blindly behind Lucinda while Frankie grabbed onto my hand, her eyes focused on the ground and I understood that it was still hard for her to be around alcohol or to stop looking for someone who had a tablet that could make all the noise and the stress go away. It was hard for her just like it was hard for Lucinda to walk through a party with dancing, without drinking and without staying around till after 3am passed out drunk.

“Girls you made it.” Jen’s welcome was warmer then it had been for a long time and I smiled, elated at the feeling of her warmth. “Simon’s around here somewhere, you should go see him later he had something to talk to you girls about. But otherwise I’m glad you’re here and just have some fun but you know…” she trailed off awkwardly.

“Just not too much fun.” Frankie muttered from next to me, her hand clamming up in mine.

“Well I’m sure there are plenty of people around here that you girls know and well I feel like I should tell you that the staff have been told not to serve the five of you alcohol.”

I felt cold at her words, I understood the reasoning but it was both humiliating and hurtful when we were banned at a public event. We weren’t trusted and I couldn’t even be angry with Jen for not trusting us, we had broken her trust multiple times in the last year.

“Go have fun girls. And just, please for me don’t, just be good okay?” Jen nodded to us before turning to talk to someone else dismissing us.

I sighed and squeezed Frankie’s hand.

“We deserved that.” Lucinda turned to us, a frown on her features.

“Doesn’t make the lack of trust hurt any less.” Gracie pointed out, her arms crossed uncomfortably in front of her.

“Hey, what does it matter? It’s not like any of us were planning on drinking tonight so we can still have fun, just like we planned.” Kate smiled encouragingly but her words fell a little flat.

“I’m going for some food.” Lucinda sighed, resigned and Frankie let got of my hand to follow her and Gracie.

I turned to Kate whose eyes swept around the room.

“Come on, I think I see Liam.” She said before grabbing my hand and leading me through the crowds of people towards the other side of the room we were currently in. It looked like a small ballroom, which was ridiculous that someone actually still had a ballroom in a modern house.

Liam greeted us enthusiastically, his smile wide and his hugs warm. Kate had been pushing us together as much as possible like she could physically force us to be friends like we used to be but it wasn’t that easy.

Liam let me off the hook too easily, forgave too easily and a part of me, out of habit, would still grow angry with him for no reason at all. Our friendship was still frayed around the edges. A part of me didn’t really think that Liam should have been able to forgive me so readily. I had said some pretty horrible things to him within the last year.

Harry, Zayn and Perrie were with Liam. Zayn had barely interacted with me since they visited our beachside cabin and I had broken Louis. I didn’t blame him, Perrie always tried to keep the peace though; willingly smiling and providing the basics for small talk.

“Your dress looks amazing.” Perrie smiled, reaching over to brush her fingers gently along the skirt of my dress. I smiled as best I could in return and we fell into discussion of outfits tonight.

She herself had decided on tight black pants with a bright patterned crop tight and what seemed to be Zayn’s suit jacket thrown around her shoulders. She rocked the outfit like no other and her heels were so much larger then mine.

“I still have trouble walking in them sometime.” I frowned down at the effortless way she worked her heels. I on the other hand still twitched and felt like I was constantly balancing on the edge of them, ready to fall off.

“You just need to be confident that you can walk in them.” She tapped her heels together and shrugged.

“I’m confident I’m going to fall over in them.” I swayed on the spot as if to further prove my point.

Harry’s arm slid around my waist, balancing me, and I turned towards his shit-eating grin.

“How about a dance.” He held his other free hand palm up in front of me.

I frowned at him and then towards the dance floor before back to my shoes.

“Did you not here me say that I had trouble walking in these shoes. What part of that made you think I could dance with them?” I whined out to Harry.

He was already tugging me away from the group.

“I’ll catch you.” He yelled over his shoulder, pulling me through the crowd onto the dance floor.

I snorted in reply and focused on avoiding everyone’s feet as we made our way through the bodies moving on the floor. It wasn’t a very upbeat song at the moment and Harry pulled me into his arms, one arm going around my waist and the other grabbing my right hand to hold up in the air. I rolled my eyes but let him lead nonetheless.

His smirk was wide as he took steps, leading me backwards in a box step before turning on his heel and heading in another direction. My nails dug into his hand and shoulder while we moved backwards. My head stuck forward and unable to see where he was taking me.

People began to pass by in a blur as we grew in pace. My own feet miraculously falling in line with his, caught up in the movement of the dance like they had a mind of their own.

Harry spun me faster and a few laughs of delight tumbled from my lips and I loosened up, allowing him to dip me before pulling away and making me twirl under his arm. Around and around and around again. My head spun my feet tripped but Harry had me around the waist again, pulling me safely against him, his deep laughter echoing in my ear.

“Can I cut in?”

I looked up, my vision calming down to meet Niall’s smiling face; his hair standing on all ends, eyes bright and complexion flawless. I took a moment to catch my breath before pressing a kiss to Harry’s cheek and grabbing onto Niall’s hand, falling against his body.

Niall wasn’t as good of a dancer as Harry but he made up for it in the way he joked, the ridiculous and exaggerated move he pulled. Allowing me to dip him instead of the other way around. I was worried we would end sprawled on the ground.

This carried on for a while. Dancing with Niall before being passed on to someone else, and then someone else and then Liam and then Lucinda, followed by people I didn’t know as I turned and spun and stepped with everyone who grabbed my hand and lead me around the room.

My high began to disappear as my breathing grew harsher, the spinning and the close press of bodies finally settling in against me until I needed fresh air.

“Are you okay?” Gracie was in front of me, a frown across her sullen features. I noticed the way her cheekbones still stood so prominently out on her face, like her cheeks had sunken in with no hope of reviving. I missed her round rosy cheeks.

“I just need some air.” I gesture vaguely towards another door. “I’ll be fine.” I added after Gracie moved to follow me. I needed some air and a little time to just be alone.

My head was spinning and my moves slightly confused and for a moment I was almost be worried that someone had spiked the water I had had mid-dance from Kate. But I knew it wasn’t the drink. It was the dancing and the closeness of strange people that had breath tinged with strong alcohol and I couldn’t help but breathe it in. It was all coming crashing in and I needed a break.

I stumbled out onto the back porch and my hands tightened around the cool bannister. I took deep, slow breaths, allowing the cool breeze to fill my lungs and hold before releasing the now warm air back into the world. Continuously breathing in and out, in and out until my heart stopped thumping in my ears.

I took this time to admire the view. My eyes widening at how close the water lapped against the sand, so near where I stood on the porch. The half moon lit the water and the artificial light surrounding the house successfully lit the rest of the beach in front of me. No one was around.

I slipped my heel off at the top of the stairs before carefully stepping down three steps and onto the cool sand. My toes squirmed inside their sand cocoons before stepping forward until I was halfway between the water and the house.

It was cold but I didn’t hate it. It didn’t make me shiver; it widened my eyes and made me feel awake. The cool breeze rustled my hair and I closed my eyes just to take it all in.

“People are going to start worrying about you.”

I smiled at Louis’ voice, opening my eyes and turning my head to see him making his way down the stairs. His shoes left next to mine.

“They’ll start saying things.”

“And what things will they say?” I asked him, a smile playing across my face.

“Oh just that you’re crazy, mental standing alone on a beach on a cold night with your eyes closed. Seriously did you want to look like a hipster?”

I laughed loudly before slamming a hand over my mouth, the laugh echoed around us, the noise of the party behind us long forgotten.

“When was the last time you laughed that loud?” Louis asked gently, his eyes burning into the side of my face while I kept mine focused on the constant lapping of the water.

He shuffled on the spot and I turned to him and watched as he pulled his jacked off and laid it on the ground in front of us before taking a seat next to it. I stared at him, lost.

“Come on.” He patted the top of his jacket and motioned his head towards it. “May as well enjoy the view without sand crabs climbing up your dress.”

I grinned and took a seat, pulling my knees up to my chest and circling my arms underneath them.

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?” Louis asked after a short silence.

“Nothing is wrong.” I told him honestly, breathing in as another cool breeze whipped over us.

Louis gave me a disbelieving look.

“Honestly nothing is wrong. I just needed a little air. Everything became a little too close, a little too small.” I glanced back at the lit up house there were two security guards standing, watching us from within the doorway. One for Louis and one for me. “I just had a little trouble breathing so I came out here.”

“You could have came and got me. I would have come out here with you in an instant.” Louis said gently, his hand rising hesitantly.

I reached over before he had the chance to pull it back and laced our fingers together, pulling them in to rest on my lap. Louis’ hand dwarfed my pale fingers and I smiled at the contrast of the size and colour of our skin.

“I can handle the claustrophobia Lou. You don’t need to babysit me.” I bumped his shoulder with mine gently to let him know that I was happy he cared.

“I know that. You’re a strong independent woman-.”

“Who don’t need no man?” I cut in over Louis before hastily apologizing when he didn’t look amused.

“Anyway, what I was trying to say was that I know you can do it alone but you don’t always have to.” He grinned down at me, squeezing my hand and I grinned down at them not meeting his eyes.

“Okay.” I nodded and leant my head against his shoulder.

“You were having fun though?” Louis asked, and his words vibrated through his body against my ear.

I smiled and nodded. “Harry is a great dancer.” I told him truthfully, his body shook with laughter in response.

“He is!” I sat upright to defend his band mates honour only to be met with a wide smile and shining eyes as Louis shook his head.

“Don’t let him fool you. He took dancing lessons for about a year before his sister’s wedding just so he could be a good dancer. His dancing is not a natural talent.”

I snorted and punched Louis shoulder lightly. “Don’t be mean to him, at least he tried and practiced.” I grumbled at Louis, a smile still stretching my lips.

“You didn’t have to help him practice by being his dance partner. My toes still haven’t forgiven him.”

I laughed loudly, leaning my head back on Louis shoulder and pulling his hand tightly towards my abdomen. I felt giddy and surrounded by everything that was Louis.

“You looked beautiful tonight.” Louis whispered and I could feel his breath flutter along my hair.

I turned angling my neck to look at him only to see how close his head was to mine, his lips closer enough that all I had to do was angle to the left and push forward to feel that warm pressure of our lips meeting. It would only take a small amount of effort.

My hand that was not holding onto Louis’ reached up, brushing a part of his fringe gently before running down his nose, across his lips and down around to cup his neck. Louis didn’t move, barely breathed. I lifted my head further moving forward, his warm skin against my hand spurred me on to close that small gap.

“Annabelle.”

My name was whispered across my lips before everything was cold and Louis was much further away. His hand still lay in my lap clinging tightly to my hand and we both stared at the way they linked before I pulled away, standing to my feet to fight the blush that was rising to my cheeks.

“Belle. I…” Louis trailed off and looked away his posture stiff.

Sighing I threw my head back and stared up at the night sky, there wasn’t a star to see, too many city lights and pollution clogging up one of the most beautiful aspects of living. And that in itself was a real mood killer.

“We should go inside, the others would be growing worried.” I bent down to pick up Louis jacket and shook it off while he stood.

“Annabelle I- we can still be friends right?” Louis looked hopeful as he accepted the jacket back from me.

I wanted to say no, that we couldn’t be friends; that I couldn’t handle friendship. Not after everything we had been and everything I had been through. I wanted him and I wanted to take and be selfish enough to have him.

But, I had been selfish for over a year now. Taking what I wanted and I hurt Louis in the process of doing that. I owed him more then I had given him.

“Of course.” I took a deep breath and spread my lips, the smile not reaching the crooks of my skin but nevertheless it was present just like I had learnt to make sure it was.

Louis frowned before nodding slowly, his eyes resting on the coat in his arms.

“Let’s go inside Lou. I’m starving.” I tentatively reached out and grabbed his elbow, sliding up to his side as we moved slowly towards the house.

Friends could hold hand and link arms and if Louis wanted to be friends then I was going to get everything I could out of that relationship.

Notes

Song Title: I'm A Mess - Ed Sheeran

Just a heads up I am totally completely in love with Ed Sheeran's new album! It is basically my bible at this current point in time! So a fair few chapters may have chapter names from his album - too many amazing lyrics within those tracks. If you have not listened to his album yet, I suggest you immediately listen right after reading this chapter ;P
xx