Beautiful Agony

"Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes they win."
-Steven King
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Beautiful- having qualities that delight the senses; possessing beauty.
Agony- the suffering of intense physical or mental pain; the struggle that precedes death.

It was as simple as black and white.

I wasn't supposed to fall for someone like him. I mean, we're from two completely different worlds—polar opposites. I wasn't supposed to fall at all, but I did.

I was just a scared, innocent little girl who feared the world—afraid of my own shadow. I got used to being alone and not having anyone there except the crazy thoughts inside my head. But then he came along and I wasn't alone anymore.

My heart beats faster when I'm near him. My palms get sweaty and my knees shake when I see him. And when we touch, my heart flutters and I get a million butterflies in my stomach. I feel safe and protected like nothing can hurt me when I'm with him.

He calls me Rose, because apparently I'm beautiful like one. I consider him my angel, because he saved me, not only from myself but from the world around me. I can't live without him. It's like I'm addicted to him, like a drug. He's got me so high that I don't ever want to come down.

I have never felt more loved in my entire life. He makes me feel like I am on an impossible high that I am never going to come down from. He's my heroin and I can't get enough. The way he looks at me with his mesmerizing green eyes, the way he smiles when he looks at me, the way his soft lips part right before they're about to meet mine. For God sakes, even the way he smells! He always makes me want more than I can actually have. He has this hold on me that is unexplainable and indescribable. He doesn't even know how much control he truly has. No matter how hard I try to fight it, I just can't.

I would step on broken glass or walk through fire for him. Anything he wants, I'll give it to him. I would do absolutely anything for him. But these feelings that I have for him, scare me. He always manages to make me feel beautiful, but then again, I always feel this intense heartache when I'm not with him. Sometimes I feel all of this doubt, like this is too good to be true.

You know him and I are more alike than I thought. He's lost in this world, just like me. Having your guards up and afraid of falling in love. Him being in pain just as much as I am with both of us suffering and drowning in our horrible lives, and us needing each other more than we like to admit.

Though, I didn't think that everything would come crashing down so fast. The only innocence that I had left was completely destroyed when I first saw him.

It was simple, I shouldn't have fallen in love with him. I knew better. I should have known that in the end there would be heartbreak, even death. I had a feeling that nothing good could ever come out of it.

He was the death of me and the death of my innocence.

He's my weakness.

My lifeline.

He is what you would consider to be a monster. He's the type of monster that you only see in nightmares. A monster that hides in your closet or under your bed, making you be filled with fear and anticipation, just waiting for the time that he can get you alone and sink his teeth into your flesh and blood. He's a cold stone killer. A murderer that has demons running his life and highly dangerous. But there's a light in his heart. A light that only I saw.

I guess that's what infatuation is. Curiosity, fascination, attraction.

The essence of his flawless beauty drew me in. I didn't understand.

How can something so evil, be so beautiful?

Everyone called him a monster, because that's what they saw. But me, I saw a lost, scared, broken man that just wants to be love. I wasn't afraid.

He wasn't the type of man that I thought I would fall for. I usually steer clear of guys like him. I never expected to meet him, let alone fall in love with him. I gave him everything. I loved him more than I loved myself.

But the warning signs were all there. Everything told me to not get involved. None of that mattered because the first time that I looked into his eyes, I knew then that I was in trouble. Because that's what he was, trouble.

But I was so naive. So innocent. I was hypnotized and captivated. I fell under his spell no matter how hard I tried to fight it. It was such a great game he played because whenever I pushed him away, he came right back and managed to make me fall even more in love with him every single day.

He brought me into a world that I never thought existed. He lied and made me believe things that weren't true. He deceived me. He played a good game. A game that I wasn't willing to play. A game that I didn't even know I was playing.

He won.

Even though he lied and deceived me, he still made good memories in my heart that I will cherish forever. The times that I spent with him were good and bad. I'd like to say that there was more good then bad. He made me feel things they I never knew I could feel. He showed me that not only could I love someone, but someone could love me.

The love that I felt for him was exquisite. It was a never dying love that stays forever. It was as big as an ocean and as strong as a hurricane.

The dark rain clouds over my head became non existent after he came into my life. He turned my world upside down. Whenever I looked back on us and all the memories that I had, my heart was warmed and I couldn't help but get the biggest smile on my face.

But now?

I fear evanescence.

That's how much he has affected me.

For anyone reading this right now, this isn't just a story about how the angel fell for the demon. This is about how the innocent angel lost herself within every inch of the darkness that consumed the demon and managed to lose her purity and surrendered to all the evil ways of the fiend.

People told me to stay away, that it would only end in disaster.

I should've listened.

Notes