Amazing Grace
Chapter 4
By the time I got back to my apartment I was uncapable of holding myself together. I leaned against the closed door and sunk to the floor, pounding my first against the hardwood. I cried without worrying about who would hear me. I cried for my past, for my present, but most of all I cried for Harry. I don't know what I had expected by going to see him today because nothing would change. I was still Ava Smith, I still had a boyfriend, and Grace Abbot didn't exist. I cried even harder.
"Hey now, what's wrong?" Helene's high voice spoke from above me. I looked at her through bloodshot eyes. She had brushed her mass of blonde curls back into a bun and her hazel eyes were flooded with worry.
"H-Harry" was all I could utter between sobs that shook my body. Her eyes widened in fear and recognition as she moved from her kneeling position above me to sit cross legged in front of me.
"Tell me everything," she said without hesitating, so I did. I told her about the supermarket and the meeting on the street, and what had happened at the apartment. I even told her about Harry's demand that I be there tomorrow, and like the kind person she is, she just listened.
"Oh Helene, what am I supposed to do?" I said in distress, searching her face pleadingly for some kind of answer. She just looked at me sadly, and shook her head. I sighed, defeated.
"How about this? Tomorrow you go to Harry and tell him everything, tell him how you feel, give him closure. But then you must tell him that you need to stay in witness protection for both of your safety and he needs to go on with his life. And for now, we'll stay here and watch movies and talk about how much we hate boys." she smilled, rubbing my shoulders encouragingly. I half smiled and nodded. She always knew what to say.
We spent the whole day chatting and watching TV, and for a while I forgot that I couldn't have the one thing I really wanted. At around 9 things had begun to wind down, and I got up to shower and get ready to go to bed early. Before I settled into bed I checked my phone to see a missed call and text from Zak.
'Ava - want me to come over for dinner tonight? Miss you :( - Zak xx' The time on the text said 5:30.. oops. I quickly texted back that I was sick and would be sleeping for the next couple of days. I couldn't bare to face him until this whole thing with Harry had blown over. I tossed and turned for the remainder of the night, anxious butterflies wrenching my stomach. When daylight broke I finally found a couple hours of sleep, but al I dreamt of was Harry. By the time 11:30 came I was fully showered, dressed in a pale tan sweater dress, leggings, and boots, and staring at the clock on the cable box in the living room.
Helene came out of her room and sat down next to me, smiling knowingly. "Everything will fine, you know that right?" she said. I nodded and grabbed my jacket and headed out for the apartment. I repeated the same actions as yesterday, and when I got into the apartment there he was, wearing that courdoroy jacket, a rolling stones tshirt, and of course, those Converse. He was sat on the counter where we were yesterday and he patted the spot next to him.
I treaded across the room, watching him watch me, and hopped up next to him.
"Well I'm here," I said boldly.
"I see that" he said his mouth pulling up into that crooked smile, deep dimples springing up on his cheeks.
"So exactly why am I here" I asked, unable to hold back the curiousity that I held. Harry turned to me, his eyes holding the same look they did two years ago in my bathroom. His green eyes searched mine softly,
"I want you to tell me you still love me" he said calmly.
"I can't do that Harry, you know that" I said taken off guard by his comment. Did he expect me to here and just throw myself at him? Cause he was sadly mistaken.
"I know you did back home, and I know you do now, otherwise you wouldn't be here" he said in the same calm voice, knowing he was right. I just looked at him blankly, biting my lower lip out of nervousness. It was now or never and I knew that. I took a deep breath, and looking him straight in the eye.
"I do love you Harry, not just the best friend kind of love, but I'm IN love with you. I'm in love with you and there's not a damn thing I can do about it." As I said it I felt like the world had lifted it's weight off my chest, like I could breathe. 19 years of holding that in and it felt so good to let it out. There was a long silence as Harry got up from the counter and paced around the large empty dining room.
"Are you in love with him?" he asked suddenly angry turning to face me. I knew he was reffering to Zak. I couldn't let him know that I wasn't, so instead of saying yes and lying I opted for no answer. Harry nodded because he already knew the answer. "That's what I thought" he said beginning to pace the floor again.
"Harry stop pacing please" I said getting annoyed by his nauseating repetitive movements across the cherry wood floor. He stopped pacing finally and walked toward me, very seriously he asked me
"What's your name?" I smiled, I knew this game.
"Ava Smith"
"How old are you?"
"21"
"Where do you work?"
"I don't have a permanent job, I'm an artist" He laughed at that one, knowing I had not one artistic bone in my body.
"You're good" he said between laughs. It seemed as if the tense situation between us had past and we sat on the floor in my apartment asking eachother questions, playing catch up for hours. I realized it was nearly 4 pm and that Helene would be home in about an hour. I stood up, saying my goodbye slowly, not wanting it to end. "Will I see you tomorrow?" Harry asked, eyes pleading. How could I say no to that face?
"I don't know Styles" I said, calling him by the nickname I'd always had for him since we were little. As I turned to leave, I felt his long fingers grab mine, intertwining them softly. I turned back around to face him, and he took a step closer, pressing my back against the cold wood of the door. I looked up at him, the same desire I felt but was afraid to show was written all over his face. He raised his other hand to my face, gently cupping my chin, drawing it up to his face in a steady gentle way. "Please Gracie" he pleaded with me.
His dangerous closeness to me overwhelmed me, his tall stature was somewhat intimidating, his beauty turned my knees into absolute jelly, and his scent clouded my thoughts. I couldn't speak, let alone give him an answer. He moved in closer, our noses touching again, moving his hands to the back of my neck. I closed my eyes, letting go, and waiting, but the kiss never came.
He closed his eyes, and bit his lower lip in frustation. "Not yet" he whispered, his sweet breath filling my senses, "Not like this" he said stepping back. "Tomorrow?" he asked again. I nodded weakly, still in shock, and left. I decided to say nothing to Helene about agreeing to see Harry again, and instead went straight to cooking dinner for when she got home from work.
Through dinner and throughout the night all I could think of was tomorrow, seeing him, being with him, and maybe the chance to be that close to him again...
"Hey now, what's wrong?" Helene's high voice spoke from above me. I looked at her through bloodshot eyes. She had brushed her mass of blonde curls back into a bun and her hazel eyes were flooded with worry.
"H-Harry" was all I could utter between sobs that shook my body. Her eyes widened in fear and recognition as she moved from her kneeling position above me to sit cross legged in front of me.
"Tell me everything," she said without hesitating, so I did. I told her about the supermarket and the meeting on the street, and what had happened at the apartment. I even told her about Harry's demand that I be there tomorrow, and like the kind person she is, she just listened.
"Oh Helene, what am I supposed to do?" I said in distress, searching her face pleadingly for some kind of answer. She just looked at me sadly, and shook her head. I sighed, defeated.
"How about this? Tomorrow you go to Harry and tell him everything, tell him how you feel, give him closure. But then you must tell him that you need to stay in witness protection for both of your safety and he needs to go on with his life. And for now, we'll stay here and watch movies and talk about how much we hate boys." she smilled, rubbing my shoulders encouragingly. I half smiled and nodded. She always knew what to say.
We spent the whole day chatting and watching TV, and for a while I forgot that I couldn't have the one thing I really wanted. At around 9 things had begun to wind down, and I got up to shower and get ready to go to bed early. Before I settled into bed I checked my phone to see a missed call and text from Zak.
'Ava - want me to come over for dinner tonight? Miss you :( - Zak xx' The time on the text said 5:30.. oops. I quickly texted back that I was sick and would be sleeping for the next couple of days. I couldn't bare to face him until this whole thing with Harry had blown over. I tossed and turned for the remainder of the night, anxious butterflies wrenching my stomach. When daylight broke I finally found a couple hours of sleep, but al I dreamt of was Harry. By the time 11:30 came I was fully showered, dressed in a pale tan sweater dress, leggings, and boots, and staring at the clock on the cable box in the living room.
Helene came out of her room and sat down next to me, smiling knowingly. "Everything will fine, you know that right?" she said. I nodded and grabbed my jacket and headed out for the apartment. I repeated the same actions as yesterday, and when I got into the apartment there he was, wearing that courdoroy jacket, a rolling stones tshirt, and of course, those Converse. He was sat on the counter where we were yesterday and he patted the spot next to him.
I treaded across the room, watching him watch me, and hopped up next to him.
"Well I'm here," I said boldly.
"I see that" he said his mouth pulling up into that crooked smile, deep dimples springing up on his cheeks.
"So exactly why am I here" I asked, unable to hold back the curiousity that I held. Harry turned to me, his eyes holding the same look they did two years ago in my bathroom. His green eyes searched mine softly,
"I want you to tell me you still love me" he said calmly.
"I can't do that Harry, you know that" I said taken off guard by his comment. Did he expect me to here and just throw myself at him? Cause he was sadly mistaken.
"I know you did back home, and I know you do now, otherwise you wouldn't be here" he said in the same calm voice, knowing he was right. I just looked at him blankly, biting my lower lip out of nervousness. It was now or never and I knew that. I took a deep breath, and looking him straight in the eye.
"I do love you Harry, not just the best friend kind of love, but I'm IN love with you. I'm in love with you and there's not a damn thing I can do about it." As I said it I felt like the world had lifted it's weight off my chest, like I could breathe. 19 years of holding that in and it felt so good to let it out. There was a long silence as Harry got up from the counter and paced around the large empty dining room.
"Are you in love with him?" he asked suddenly angry turning to face me. I knew he was reffering to Zak. I couldn't let him know that I wasn't, so instead of saying yes and lying I opted for no answer. Harry nodded because he already knew the answer. "That's what I thought" he said beginning to pace the floor again.
"Harry stop pacing please" I said getting annoyed by his nauseating repetitive movements across the cherry wood floor. He stopped pacing finally and walked toward me, very seriously he asked me
"What's your name?" I smiled, I knew this game.
"Ava Smith"
"How old are you?"
"21"
"Where do you work?"
"I don't have a permanent job, I'm an artist" He laughed at that one, knowing I had not one artistic bone in my body.
"You're good" he said between laughs. It seemed as if the tense situation between us had past and we sat on the floor in my apartment asking eachother questions, playing catch up for hours. I realized it was nearly 4 pm and that Helene would be home in about an hour. I stood up, saying my goodbye slowly, not wanting it to end. "Will I see you tomorrow?" Harry asked, eyes pleading. How could I say no to that face?
"I don't know Styles" I said, calling him by the nickname I'd always had for him since we were little. As I turned to leave, I felt his long fingers grab mine, intertwining them softly. I turned back around to face him, and he took a step closer, pressing my back against the cold wood of the door. I looked up at him, the same desire I felt but was afraid to show was written all over his face. He raised his other hand to my face, gently cupping my chin, drawing it up to his face in a steady gentle way. "Please Gracie" he pleaded with me.
His dangerous closeness to me overwhelmed me, his tall stature was somewhat intimidating, his beauty turned my knees into absolute jelly, and his scent clouded my thoughts. I couldn't speak, let alone give him an answer. He moved in closer, our noses touching again, moving his hands to the back of my neck. I closed my eyes, letting go, and waiting, but the kiss never came.
He closed his eyes, and bit his lower lip in frustation. "Not yet" he whispered, his sweet breath filling my senses, "Not like this" he said stepping back. "Tomorrow?" he asked again. I nodded weakly, still in shock, and left. I decided to say nothing to Helene about agreeing to see Harry again, and instead went straight to cooking dinner for when she got home from work.
Through dinner and throughout the night all I could think of was tomorrow, seeing him, being with him, and maybe the chance to be that close to him again...
5/31/13