Amazing Grace
Chapter 14
I stared at the TV blankly, nursing my third cup of coffee for the night. I was trying so hard to stay up till at least 3 AM, that way I could just sneak over to the apartment and grab my things without Harry knowing. He'd be fast asleep by 3.. who isn't? It'd been a week since the scene with Taylor and I'd done a very good job of avoiding Harry. No calls, no texts, not even going to the apartment, but I had to go back.. I'd run out of clothes at Helene's. I had thought that I'd be devestated after I'd walked away from Harry, but I didn't feel anything. I was an empty shell of myself. I reminded myself over and over again that everyone is the same, everyone will hurt you eventually... I just never thought it'd be Harry.
Finally the clock hit 2:45, so I quietly slipped out of the apartment, opting to walk the distance so as not make too much noise with my car or a cab. I fumbled with the key in the dim lights of the hallway and slid inside, closing the door as quietly as possible. I didn't turn on any lights, I knew the apartment so well. Just as I suspected Harry was fast asleep, his heavy breathing echoing across the room. I wanted nothing more than to slide into bed next to him, but that wasn't an option now.
I grabbed a suitcase out of the closet in the hall and went to my dresser to pack my things. So far so good. Harry hadn't stirred at all, his breathing sitll obnoxious, and his soft snores still muffled by the comforter. After I'd grabbed what was in the dresser I moved to the closet to take down my dresses and coats. As I began to slide the door across a coat fell from one of the hangers, hitting the ground with abnormally loud thud. Fuck. Since when were coats so noisy? I froze in my spot, waiting for Harry to wake up, but he didn't move, merely shifted in his sleep and continued on with his snoring.
As I was busy trying to determine which coats were mine in the dark, I never noticed Harry get up from bed. I didn't hear him tread sneakily across the floor. I didn't notice anything until he abruptly grabbed the back of my neck, forcing me to the ground.
"Who are you? What do you want?" Harry grumbled, his voice still raspy sleep and deep with anxiety and anger. I giggled in spite of the situation and how bad Harry's hand hurt, squeezing my pressure points on the back of my neck. He really thought I was an intruder?
"It-It's me Harry, Grace" I whined. Instantly his vice grip was gone, and his hands moved to my arms to help me up off the floor.
"Oh Grace, I'm so sorry I thought you were.. nevermind. I'm just so happy you came back"
"I'm not coming back. I just came to get my things." the hopeful light in his eyes faded at my words and he took a step back from me. I picked up the suitcase and grabbed the coats I'd found in the closet as I turned to make my exit from the room.
"I just want you to know I'll love you forever Gracie" he whispered in the darkness of the room. I stopped walking, his words catching me off guard. It always felt like the first time, everytime he said it and this time was no different. His words struck chords on my heart strings and I felt like crying. What was I doing? I was doing the right thing, my subconcious reminded me. I sighed heavily and picked up my bags, continuing into the living room.
Harry followed me out, apparently expecting an answer.
"So what? You're just going to leave like that? After 19 years you can't even have the decency to look at me and say goodbye?" he laughed bitterly. "Well what should I expect, it's not like you said goodbye the first time you ran away either."
"You think I ran away? After everything I've told you and everything that happened, you think I just ran from my problems, like I had a choice?" I snapped. How dare he?
"That's exactly what I think Grace. You could have let me protect you, I was fully capable of keeping you safe, of loving you the way you deserved. After everything I did for you, you just left me, not a note, not a word, just gone in the middle of the night. And look where we are 2 years later. You were just going to run away from me again, when you know I can keep you safe."
"Yeah well what about my heart Harry? You can keep ME safe, but you can't keep my heart safe. That was the one part of myself that had always been yours, that you could have always protected but you didn't. So call it running away, call it whatever you want, but I'm leaving."
I stormed out, my blood boiling. It was like he'd changed into someone I didn't even recognize in the matter of a week. My sweet, playful, loving Harry was gone and an absolute monster had taken his place in bed. Hot tears spilled down my cheeks and I sobbed uncontrollably the whole elevator ride down. My best friend, my whole world, my only true love, was a lie. At this point I'd rather be Ava Smith than Grace Abbot, because honestly, Grace Abbot has a shitty life.
I walked out on to the sidewalk, letting my feet carry me, but my thoughts were far away. I saw Harry and I eating sandwiches, sitting on the swingset, sitting on the counter, swimming in the lake. I saw my life go by and I cried even more for all the memories that were now laid to rest. I was walking without being aware of my surroundings, until the usual London rain started to fall slow and steady on my shoulders. Good, I thought, it'll mask my tears.
"Grace wait damnit" I heard Harry call distantly, but I didn't turn around. I knew if I stopped now I'd never make it home, I'd end up in bed with him again and that wouldn't be right after what he'd done. "Grace!" this time it was louder, closer, like he was breaking through the barrier of my thoughts. Suddenly there he was, standing in front of me. When did he get there?
He stood a couple feet away from me, the rain pouring now, the dim streetlight illuminating his features under his dripping hair.
"Listen to me for a minute ok? And if you still want to leave after, then I won't stop you. But I need you to know how much I need you to come home. You are my home Grace. The only thing about Holmes Chapel that I could stand was you, and once you were gone well I pretty much went insane. You made every day worth while. I could live without money, and if everyday was sunny I could live without the rain, as long I have you. I need you to come home Grace because... damnit because I can't lose you again, I WON'T lose you again. I love you Grace so please, please just give me another chance."
I stood frozen in my place, the rain pelting my skin with cold bullets but I couldn't care less. I felt cliche.. standing in the middle of the street, in the rain, under a streelight, fighting for the love of my life, but it was my life. I didn't know what to say, or rather how to say it. How do you tell someone that you were terrified of being consumed by the black hole in your life, without them there to hold you up? I didn't know what to say at all, I just stared at him in all his handsome beauty staring at me. How could someone like him love someone like me?
Harry took a step closer to me, reaching his hand out.
"Stop. Stop right there" I warned, my voice shaking uncontrollably as I fought back the tears.
"Why" he asked me, his voice straining.
"Because if you come any closer to me, I will never let you go" I whispered.
In one stride he had me in his arms, lifting me off the ground, kissing me like his life depended on it. He was warm in contrast with the blistering cold of the rain, and I loved it. I soaked in the moment, feeling whole again.
"That's perfectly fine with me love."
Finally the clock hit 2:45, so I quietly slipped out of the apartment, opting to walk the distance so as not make too much noise with my car or a cab. I fumbled with the key in the dim lights of the hallway and slid inside, closing the door as quietly as possible. I didn't turn on any lights, I knew the apartment so well. Just as I suspected Harry was fast asleep, his heavy breathing echoing across the room. I wanted nothing more than to slide into bed next to him, but that wasn't an option now.
I grabbed a suitcase out of the closet in the hall and went to my dresser to pack my things. So far so good. Harry hadn't stirred at all, his breathing sitll obnoxious, and his soft snores still muffled by the comforter. After I'd grabbed what was in the dresser I moved to the closet to take down my dresses and coats. As I began to slide the door across a coat fell from one of the hangers, hitting the ground with abnormally loud thud. Fuck. Since when were coats so noisy? I froze in my spot, waiting for Harry to wake up, but he didn't move, merely shifted in his sleep and continued on with his snoring.
As I was busy trying to determine which coats were mine in the dark, I never noticed Harry get up from bed. I didn't hear him tread sneakily across the floor. I didn't notice anything until he abruptly grabbed the back of my neck, forcing me to the ground.
"Who are you? What do you want?" Harry grumbled, his voice still raspy sleep and deep with anxiety and anger. I giggled in spite of the situation and how bad Harry's hand hurt, squeezing my pressure points on the back of my neck. He really thought I was an intruder?
"It-It's me Harry, Grace" I whined. Instantly his vice grip was gone, and his hands moved to my arms to help me up off the floor.
"Oh Grace, I'm so sorry I thought you were.. nevermind. I'm just so happy you came back"
"I'm not coming back. I just came to get my things." the hopeful light in his eyes faded at my words and he took a step back from me. I picked up the suitcase and grabbed the coats I'd found in the closet as I turned to make my exit from the room.
"I just want you to know I'll love you forever Gracie" he whispered in the darkness of the room. I stopped walking, his words catching me off guard. It always felt like the first time, everytime he said it and this time was no different. His words struck chords on my heart strings and I felt like crying. What was I doing? I was doing the right thing, my subconcious reminded me. I sighed heavily and picked up my bags, continuing into the living room.
Harry followed me out, apparently expecting an answer.
"So what? You're just going to leave like that? After 19 years you can't even have the decency to look at me and say goodbye?" he laughed bitterly. "Well what should I expect, it's not like you said goodbye the first time you ran away either."
"You think I ran away? After everything I've told you and everything that happened, you think I just ran from my problems, like I had a choice?" I snapped. How dare he?
"That's exactly what I think Grace. You could have let me protect you, I was fully capable of keeping you safe, of loving you the way you deserved. After everything I did for you, you just left me, not a note, not a word, just gone in the middle of the night. And look where we are 2 years later. You were just going to run away from me again, when you know I can keep you safe."
"Yeah well what about my heart Harry? You can keep ME safe, but you can't keep my heart safe. That was the one part of myself that had always been yours, that you could have always protected but you didn't. So call it running away, call it whatever you want, but I'm leaving."
I stormed out, my blood boiling. It was like he'd changed into someone I didn't even recognize in the matter of a week. My sweet, playful, loving Harry was gone and an absolute monster had taken his place in bed. Hot tears spilled down my cheeks and I sobbed uncontrollably the whole elevator ride down. My best friend, my whole world, my only true love, was a lie. At this point I'd rather be Ava Smith than Grace Abbot, because honestly, Grace Abbot has a shitty life.
I walked out on to the sidewalk, letting my feet carry me, but my thoughts were far away. I saw Harry and I eating sandwiches, sitting on the swingset, sitting on the counter, swimming in the lake. I saw my life go by and I cried even more for all the memories that were now laid to rest. I was walking without being aware of my surroundings, until the usual London rain started to fall slow and steady on my shoulders. Good, I thought, it'll mask my tears.
"Grace wait damnit" I heard Harry call distantly, but I didn't turn around. I knew if I stopped now I'd never make it home, I'd end up in bed with him again and that wouldn't be right after what he'd done. "Grace!" this time it was louder, closer, like he was breaking through the barrier of my thoughts. Suddenly there he was, standing in front of me. When did he get there?
He stood a couple feet away from me, the rain pouring now, the dim streetlight illuminating his features under his dripping hair.
"Listen to me for a minute ok? And if you still want to leave after, then I won't stop you. But I need you to know how much I need you to come home. You are my home Grace. The only thing about Holmes Chapel that I could stand was you, and once you were gone well I pretty much went insane. You made every day worth while. I could live without money, and if everyday was sunny I could live without the rain, as long I have you. I need you to come home Grace because... damnit because I can't lose you again, I WON'T lose you again. I love you Grace so please, please just give me another chance."
I stood frozen in my place, the rain pelting my skin with cold bullets but I couldn't care less. I felt cliche.. standing in the middle of the street, in the rain, under a streelight, fighting for the love of my life, but it was my life. I didn't know what to say, or rather how to say it. How do you tell someone that you were terrified of being consumed by the black hole in your life, without them there to hold you up? I didn't know what to say at all, I just stared at him in all his handsome beauty staring at me. How could someone like him love someone like me?
Harry took a step closer to me, reaching his hand out.
"Stop. Stop right there" I warned, my voice shaking uncontrollably as I fought back the tears.
"Why" he asked me, his voice straining.
"Because if you come any closer to me, I will never let you go" I whispered.
In one stride he had me in his arms, lifting me off the ground, kissing me like his life depended on it. He was warm in contrast with the blistering cold of the rain, and I loved it. I soaked in the moment, feeling whole again.
"That's perfectly fine with me love."
5/31/13