Skye

I slowly pulled my knees up and cradled them in my arms. I rested my head on the top of my knees and just stared at the wall that was the opposite the bed.

“Do you guys’ want anything?” A voice asked. I barely had the energy to recognise it. I did hear Harry’s voice reply though.

I felt the bed sink and move as I took a deep breath and Harry’s cologne filled my senses. I held my breath slightly as his hand reached and lightly touched my waist. I flinched and inched away from the contact.

How could he bare to touch me? I was disgusting. I had killed our child. I deserved to die as well. I certainly didn’t deserve Harry.

“Do you want a drink?” I heard Harry ask. I didn’t answer. I didn’t deserve a drink. I heard him sigh from next to me before more wriggling on the bed. I assumed he made himself more comfortable.

We sat in silence for what felt like an eternity as people came and left the room, constantly checking on us.

Eventually Anne arrived with Gemma and Robin. I flinched and jumped back as Gemma’s arms wrapped around me. I saw the look of shock on her face but I turned away.

As I turned away, the sight I saw practically ripped my body to pieces.

Anne was holding Harry as his body shook from the cries leaving his mouth. His cries of pure anguish as he cried about the fact that I had killed our baby. I wanted to leave; I wanted to stop hearing the noises of pain coming from him. The pain that I had caused him. But I stayed because this was my punishment, to sit here and listen to him cry and scream and sob because I did this. I turned away but sat there and stared at the wall continuing to listen to him, no tears feel. I was not given the pleasure of crying.

After a while, his cries died down and I felt his hand touch my waist. I allowed him this because it would help him. I allowed him to touch me knowing it comforted him. In some sick way it comforted him to touch the only person that had killed his unborn baby. So I allowed him too.

“You two need to eat. I’ll go get some food.” Anne said softly, leaving us both with Gemma and Robin following close behind. I didn’t move, I didn’t acknowledge them as I continued to stare at the blank wall in front of me.

“Skye.” I heard Harry’s voice but I was incapable of answering him. I was incapable of doing anything; I couldn’t comfort him because this was my fault. I didn’t deserve the comfort he was giving me. I had no idea what I needed to do.

The worst part about it all is that I wasn’t even hurting. My baby had just died and the doctor told me that my body would merely correct itself. It would fix itself and move on. I could have another baby. There was no medical reason for the miscarriage. It just happens.

My body decided to kill this baby and now as I sit here, it makes the necessary repairs to eventually forget about the baby.

There was no physical pain aching through my body. I wasn’t even in emotional pain. I was numb. I was so numb I couldn’t even feel my own heart beating. It was like everything had stopped and I couldn’t move forward. I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t talk. I didn’t want to be touched.

I hadn’t cried since I reached the hospital. There were no tears of mine to shed, I did not scream from the pain of losing a child. I didn’t run or throw things. I didn’t yell at anyone. I didn’t even acknowledge anyone. I just sat here numb and painless. This was not my punishment. I wished that I could feel all these emotions; I wish that I were in total agony because at least then I was feeling something. At least then I was hurting. I would be getting what I deserved.

Anne came back with food for both of us. She placed the sandwich in front of me but I didn’t want it.

“You should eat something,” I heard Gemma’s voice. I didn’t want to.

“Skye please just eat some of it,” Harry said softly pushing the plate to me. I pushed it away. I heard Harry’s sigh before giving the plate to his mum along with his own. I watched as both untouched plates left the room.

I glared at the plates annoyed. He should have eaten. Why didn’t he eat? Did he want to starve himself just to hurt me more? I turned my glare to him causing him to flinch.

“Where were you?” I blurted out lowly. His face turned into confusion. This wasn’t the question I wanted to ask but I wanted him to hate me, he should hate me.

“What took you so long to get there? I sat there waiting for you for ages!” I hissed at him. I saw the fresh tears fall from his eyes; he wiped them away barely caring.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! I got there as soon as I could but we were in an interview...” I cut him off.

“Of course you were in an interview because the band comes first right?!” I said my voice getting louder. I didn’t mean this; I didn’t mean any of this. But my body was numb and I couldn’t feel the pain. And I wanted to stop talking; I wanted to stop hurting him. But the moment I started talking I couldn’t stop.

“That’s not true Skye. Don’t think that, please don’t think that.” Harry said quickly, pain lacing his voice as he moved towards me trying to wrap his arms around me. I moved back and jumped off the bed, out of his reach. I saw the pain on his face as I avoided his touch.

“How can you touch me?” I shrieked at him. He stood up wordlessly. I knew he didn’t know what to say. I wanted to stop talking, but I couldn’t stop what I was about to say.

“How can you touch me when I killed your child! I killed our child Harry. I am disgusting and horrible! How can you look at me like that? I know you hate me! So stop pretending!” My voice carried itself around the room and probably down the stairs but I didn’t care.

“I don’t hate you Skye!” Harry said shocked and moved towards me, I took steps back away from him. “You didn’t kill our child, there was nothing that we could do to help it.”

“Yes there was! I could have been a better mother!” I screamed at him. “I couldn’t even protect my child when it was inside of me!”

“Skye,” Anne whispered from the doorway behind me. I spun around as she reached out a hand to my arm. I snapped it out of her reach.

“Don’t, don’t touch me.” I hissed at her lowly before storming out of the room and down the stairs.

“Skye, you need to calm down.” I heard Anne’s voice as I reached the bottom of the stairs. I spun around to see her and Harry rushing to catch up with me.

“Don’t tell me what to do! You are not my mother!” I screamed at her. Her face turned shocked slightly.

“I killed your grandchild! Don’t treat me like you care!”

“You didn’t...” I cut her off.

“Stop lying to me!” I screeched. I turned to see everyone else had appeared in the doorway to the foyer. I could see the tears on each and everyone of their faces and in their eyes. I stared around at them all. I couldn’t even cry over the death of my own baby and yet all these people could. I was a monster.

“Skye.” Harry chocked out my name, holding onto my hand. I jumped in surprise at his closeness before pulling my hand harshly out of his and moving away from him. The look of hurt seemed to be permanently etched onto his face.

“How can you touch me? Do you even care that our baby is dead? How can you touch me after what I did?” I asked him quietly as my arms wrapped around my body. I felt the disgust bubble under my skin. I glanced up at Harry to see him staring at me helplessly.

“See you do hate me. I do disgust you, you can’t even say anything against it because you know I’m telling the truth.” I whimpered to him. He shook his head at me.

“Skye this isn’t your fault.” A voice came from behind me. I saw Lacey standing there, stepping forwards towards me. My glare narrowed in on her. “I know you’re hurting Skye, but this isn’t your fault. You didn’t do this.”

“Don’t use your psychological bullshit on me!” I hissed at her. She looked at me in surprise. “I’m not stupid!”

“I didn’t say you were Skye.” Lacey said calmly to me. This just angered me more. How could she be so calm?

“Skye, Lacey is right. This wasn’t your fault.” Dani said softly stepping forward to stand next to Lacey.

“And how would you know? How would either of you know!” I screamed at them.

“We’re just trying to help Skye.” Zayn said softly, stepping forward as well. My anger flared up.

“Of course you would stick up for your fuck buddy.” I stated. I saw the shock pass across Lacey’s face. “Oh that’s right I know! We all bloody well know that you’ve been fucking him! So don’t stand there all righteous with you psych crap when you’ve been fucking him behind your fiancé’s back!” I screeched at her. I watched as her face turned to shock before the tears built up.

“Skye that’s not fair.” Louis said softly, stepping forward.

“Oh here comes the mature Louis right? Well I don’t want you. I want the immature Louis who doesn’t care about anyone, who doesn’t care about consequences. Who thinks life’s such a great laugh. I’ll take him please because I would love to be able to laugh at this. I would love to be able to laugh about the fact that I fucking killed my baby!” Louis stayed frozen mouth gaping open at me.

“ENOUGH!” Harry yelled from next to me. I spun around to stare at him my eyes wide in surprise. He stared back at me glaring harshly. His breathing was hard and his nostrils flared. I watched him in astonishment, never had I seen Harry this angry before in my life. But I wanted to push him, I wanted to test him because maybe if I lost him I could feel the pain then.

“You’re right. This is enough. I have had enough of us. We are just kidding ourselves into believing that we can be together. Ever since we got together we constantly fight. We were in a car crash, Tate and Niall were shot because of us. You left me for a whole fucking year and then this. I killed our baby! So enough is right Harry because I think the universe is trying to tell us something!” I yelled at him. There was no hurt or shock that crossed his features this time. He stayed angry as he listened to me rant.

“We’ve had our crap moments.” Harry growled at me lowly. “But you don’t get to call this off. You don’t get to stand there and tell me that the death of our baby was the universe’s way of telling us we can’t be together. That is a load of crap and you know it.”

I stared at him frozen not knowing what to say as his eyes captured mine and I was unable to look away.

“Stop trying to hurt us all because you think you deserve it. You’ve had your outburst. Now stop this. You didn’t kill our baby. These things happen. They just, happen. It was horrible and every fibre in me is screaming and in pain and right now you are making it worse. All I want to do is hold you right now so my body knows that you are okay. I need you in my arms so I know that even though we lost our baby, I still have you. So stop walking away from me.” I gasped at his words as I finally felt the tears prick at my eyes.

“I couldn’t cry.” I said quietly to him. Still feeling everyone’s eyes on the both of us. “I couldn’t feel the pain. Our baby just died inside of me and I can’t even feel it. My body is not even in pain. The one thing I can do is cry, but I can’t even do that.” I said wrapping my arms around myself.

Harry stepped towards me. This time I didn’t step back.

“I wish I had died too.” I said loud enough for everyone to hear. Harry froze in his tracks, eyes wide as he stared at me in shock. Before I knew what was happening someone else arms were around me. I turned in shock to have my face pressed into Liam’s chest. His arms wrapped around me tightly and I felt pain. I felt the pain as his arms tightened slightly causing pain on my arms and my spine. I gasped in relief as the pain washed through my body and I slumped against Liam.

I allowed him to hold me up as the tears fell from my eyes as he continued to hold me tightly. My eyes glanced towards Harry as he continued to watch me.

“Help me.” I whispered to him brokenly. This snapped him out of his trance and with one step he was by my side and pulling me out of Liam’s arms and into his. The moment his arms wrapped around me I felt the pain. I felt the terrible heart aching pain course through my body. My body began to shake in his arms as the sobs and cries left my mouth and the tears flowed freely.

“I’m sorry, I am so sorry.” I whispered to him over and over again as he gently swayed me in his arms whispering words to me then my mind couldn’t process but the sound of his voice was enough.

I felt the pain in my lungs as I had trouble breathing. I felt the pain in my head pounding from the crying and the screaming. I felt the pain in my hands from being clenched in a fist too tightly for too long. I felt the pain in my ears from the loud noises that were leaving my mouth.

And I felt the pain rip through my heart. I felt the ache rip through my chest as my heart beat wildly. I felt the pain from my heart spread through my whole body as my mind and body registered that I had lost something worth loving.